Abraham Lincoln and Jack the Ripper: One and the Same?

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After fifteen painstaking minutes of research, I have come to the following conclusion: Good 'ole "Honest Abe" Lincoln, thought to have been asssassinated, actually survived. He was put in a witness protection program, so he surgically shortened his legs, shaved most of his beard to disguise himself and moved to England. After getting an infection in his leg from the leg-shortening surgery, he became dreanged and delusional. When a prostitute happened to look at him funny he thought she recognized him from his previous life. He killed her on the spot and murdered five more prostitutes over the next few months. Finally John Wilkes Booth (also secretly still alive) was hired by the US and British governments to finish off the job he had failed at more than twenty years earlier. And that was that. Abe's corpse was brought back to America and cremated. The ashes were scattered over Lincoln, Nebraska by incompetent Secret Service agents in the mistaken belief that it was Abe's hometown.

I cannot confirm any of this, but I am absolutely, positively 100% correct.