Here transcribe the most awkward conversations that you have had with relatives

And every FUCKING time I remind him it was actually my brother (not the groom) who took off his clothes in the lobby, not me!

Honestly the man gropes every second of silence so badly you can hear it squeal.

A "workout merchant" is Harold's phrase for someone who jogs and goes to the gym, thus in his lingo an "[x] merchant" is someone who indulges frequently in "[x]". It's kind of a cockney thing, I guess.

I didn't like my gradnmother very much, though she did finally mellow a bit in her 80's.

*I refuse to use the actual name I would have called her.

i never knew any of my relatives.

i go to my grandmothers funeral and i feel like a stranger almost, the mob is there and everything

it hasn't changed any. i speak with my brothers japanese wife and she GIGGLES and Giggles. a grown woman.but, there was one time she asked me if i liked the rezillos. i don't know, the holidays break me.

few months after wedding, wife's elderly (in 80s or 90s) friend of the family:
her: so are you guys having babies yet?
me: uh, no, not for a while now.
her: you do know how right?

what was she gonna do, pull me into the bedroom and teach me? yikees

(Only I didn't say that last bit. Just shuffled off into my room and cranked up some crappy pop-punk record, I think.)

(Answers on a postcard...)

I once had a conversation with my grandfather, a doctor, about a little something healthwise that was worrying me. I remember thinking at the time that I should just be grown-up and matter of fact with him, though afterwards, when it turned out I was just being a hypochondriac, I felt really really embarrassed about talking about my penis to him.

(NB the medical question I had was nothing to do with my penis. I just used it for, uh, orientation)

I also had the Unapologetically Racist Uncle conversation. Then he died.

Uncle: what about apartheid though?
great aunt: oh, they keep them in their place
16 year old me walks out incredulous causing scene

she died last year

(by the way, DISTANT uncle on my wife's side - that none of us are too proud of) He lives in rural PA, which will be evident by the end of the dialog.

B: So, you've got a nice place here.
U: yep.
B: Must be nice living out in the country.
U: yep.
B: Lots of space...
U: yep.
B: So, what's it like having Amish neighbors?
(long contemplative pause, drags off cigarette)
U: it's just like living with niggers.
(speechless)

Dad: YEH YEH YEH, HE LOVES ME YEH YEH YEH YEH.......
Me: dad, are you gay?
Dad: YES. NO. JUST CELEBATE
Dad: GUYS SMELL BAD
Dad: ARE YOU BI?
Me: and their beards hurt when you kiss em
Dad: HA. I HAVE YOU THINKING

uhhhhhhhhh

Anyway, my aunt is talking about the holidays when her kids and my family were growing up, and how she always enjoyed making the holiday dinners. My cousin chimes in in a pissed off tone, "Ah ma, what could you possibly remember? You were always smashed off your ass, face down in the potatoes."

We all did our best to sort of go "Ch-ch-chhhh" and let that landmine pass us by.

Chuck: (Upon first meeting girlfriend's dad at his farm) Hi, I'm Chuck!
Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)
Chuck: Hi!
Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)
Chuck: It's nice to finally put a face to a name!
Girlfriend's Dad: Would you like to see my kittens in the barn?
Chuck: Sure!
Girlfriend's Dad: There's only a couple left. Some of 'em slept in the tractor last night, and I been scraping 'em out the wheels all morning

Aunt Jean: I'm not Aunt Jean, who are you?

Penelope: Yes you are Aunt Jean, how are you?

Aunt Jean: I don't care who you are, did you bring me fruit jellies?

GRANDMOTHER: If it weren't for Bill Clinton and those liberals, you'd have a better job than working in a bookstore. Did you know that they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?

EVERYONE ELSE: ...

AUNT: Mother, you're disgusting. (storms out)

He also had me hold lambs while he clipped off their tails:

Him: son, hold this
Me: uh-huh
Him: *sound of cauterization, horrible squeal, and smell of burning lamb*
Me: aw, fuck
Him: blowflies eating out their assholes is worse, son

HAHAHAHA i'm going to fill every lull in conversation with this.

Elderly relative (waking up from snooze in hot car) : What did you say?

Me: Traffic's bad today.
E.R : Who are you?
Me: I'm Dave, we're just going to the hospital?
E.R : Where's XXX (my elder sister)? Why isn't she taking me?
Me : She's at work, I expect.
E.R : Where's YYY (another sister)?
Me: I don't know.
E.R : Where's ZZZ (3rd sis)?
Me: Er.....on holiday.
E.R : Where's AAA (youngest sis)?
Me: Oh she's definitely at work today. Definitely at work.
E.R : None of you can be bothered with me, now I'm old.
Me : Oh they'd love to see you, I'm sure.

Me: Did you remember your appointment card?
E.R. Are you a homosexual?
Me: No, I'm not. I'm married to NNNN, remember?
E.R. Who?
Me: NNNN?
E.R : Oh her.
Awkward silence.
Me: Did you bring your appointment card?
E.R : Mind your own business, young man

Me : Are you too warm, would you like me to open your window a little?
E.R : The problem with him is....the problem with that doctor is...he's a darkie.
Me: Is that a problem?
E.R : Yes. I should very much think that it is.
Me : We're nearly there.

E.R : GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU BLACK BASTARD!
Me: Oh god, I'm sorry. She's...you know. Look, sorry.
(I drag E.R to nearest seat)
Me: Look, I think that was very offensive. Please don't do that again!
E.R : Get stuffed.

E.R : Where's XXXX (eldest sister)?

and we go around again. Roll on this year's visit.

:(

once went to my uncle's pub for a family/local alcoholics xmas get tohether. about 2/3rds of the folks in there started a churus of 'Who Let The Wogs Out'.

By this time I'm attempting to disappear into my seat.

He then turns to a black girl across the carriage.
Uncle: So d'you like that reggae music then doll?
Me: This is my stop!

there was silence then for the next hour. Sometimes I really don't like my father.

dad caught me on the couch with a girl one school lunchtime and the next day he put a heavy hand on my shoulder as i was trying to make a sandwich and i thought

please no

and he said i just have to say one thing

please im thinking please dont start into some fuzzy when two people love each other shite im fifteen and its the ninet-

fiercely, into my ear: you dont have to come in her to make her pregnant

and hes gone, like the fuckin batman of shockingly undadlike filth, leaving me catatonic over a slice of white pan