Homemade Jokes

what is a crack heads favorite nursery rhyme

A: the crack came back the very next day

― Ross, Tuesday, October 16, 2018 5:01 PM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

can i take back everything bad i've felt or said about ross

Excellent joke and I miss Ross

About an hour ago my 12 year-old almost pushed me down the stairs. I told if I had died that's called patricide. And if she murders her sister, that's fratricide, and so on. She asked:

"And if I kill (her stepfather)? Is that step-aside?"

v decent effort that

does my tweet count as a homemade joke? i just want to put it somewhere because i'm very proud of it

lol I enjoyed that

and I'm pretty sure "...and ixnay on the hombre tonight" is something I will never be able to excise from my brain

Not really a joke, but: I saw a comedian last night who did a bit about how weird it was that the height of horses was measured in "hands". He talked about how rich people (i.e. horse owners) must be crazy for not just measuring horse height in meters.

Meanwhile, I was sitting there thinking "if human height is measured in feet, then horse height should be measured in hooves, not hands"

Makes more sense than meters.

Did you hear that Duplo Valley is threatening to leave Legoland?

They're calling it Brickzit.

Not a homemade joke of my own, but an anecdote that I think is so funny that I wanted to post it somewhere:

My ex-boyfriend is Filipino, and I sometimes attempted to cook Filipino food for him. A few years ago, I made him leche flan. (Typically it is steamed on stovetop, but I, like many other cheaters, cooked it in the oven.) You make a syrup and put it on the bottom of the muffin tins. You make a curd and you stir it slowly and put it on top. You cook it and it should come out just fine.

Not having a candy thermometer, I heated the syrup a touch too hot and it settled hard instead of soft. As a result, the top of my flans were kind of jagged and didn't have anything more than a veneer of caramel-ly sweetness. It turned out OK nonetheless.

My ex-boyfriend was always very stingy with praise in private, and made a big deal about how the flans were "ok, whatever" but ate several of them.

We were visiting his family a week or so later. He has an aunt named Tita Dan who was very, very funny, and an excellent cook. "fgti made leche flan," my ex-bf bragged to her. She made a beeline over to me. "You did, did you?" Yes, Tita Dan. "Did you stir the curd slowly?" Yes, Tita Dan. "You need to stir the curd very slowly so as not to get bubbles in it." Yes, I know, I had no bubbles. "How slow did you stir it?" Very slowly, Tita.

She came close and she said, "In the Philippines, I learned a trick to leche flan. You think you're stirring it slowly enough, but you never are. So what you do is you say one rosary for every time you turn the spoon around the pan. You take your time and say the rosary. That's how you know you're making it right."

She stepped back and pointed accusingly at me and my boyfriend. "And that is why non-believers like you will NEVER make a good leche flan!!"

ok i laughed out loud

Mathematician: Somebody keeps biting the tips off my triangles!
Ecologist: Sounds like an apex predator.

Q: What is Tigra and Bunny's favorite of the standard spars on a classically rigged sailing ship?

I don't know, what is Tigra and Bunny's favorite of the standard spars on a classically rigged sailing ship?

We are Tigra and Bunny and we like the gaff

(this one will start a fight)

When someone is being a jerk:

Hey, do you think humans are alone in the universe?

(Hopefully they say "Yes" here, otherwise run away)

Okay, try to make a better impression when they get here.

holy shit i typed that completely fucking wrong. maybe that was the joke?

that was THREE HOURS AGO?

sorry everyone.

this was REALLY funny. for me and me and me alone.

oh, boy.

I get what you were trying to say, Austin. I'm going to use that.

you must have a pH of 7 or greater, because you're basic

(i'm sure i didn't come up with that but i don't get out much)

The young playboy was always running up debts, gambling and such, but this time it was looking severe. They were threatening to break his leg -- or even his handsome nose.

One fine afternoon, he picked up his elderly aunt from her country estate to take her for a drive in his sporty new roadster. Before they got far, though, the motorcar went off the road at top speed and struck a boulder.

When the police arrived, they found the lady lying several yards from the crash with a broken neck. The lad, though, was securely buckled into his seat and perfectly unscathed apart from a scratch or two. Indeed, he was smiling benignly, and in his right hand he held a clump of high-denomination banknotes that was slowly dripping spunk.

What happened, asked the constable?

"Oh dear," replied the lad. "Terribly shocking, but when poor Auntie died, I seem to have come into a bit of money."

Q: What's a vegetarian's favourite breakfast cereal?
A: Quorn flakes

mick signals

Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".

The grizzled detective took in the bizarre, gruesome scene. From the deceased man on the blood-drenched motel bed, whose groin appeared to have been suddenly torn apart from within, to the incongruous piece of antique harvesting machinery lying halfway across the room.

"His date was pinned under that thing, leg broken," reported the patrolman who had responded to the neighboring room's report of a crash and scream. "Ambulance just left. What is it, anyway?"

"I don't know what the hell he thought he was trying to do," sighed the detective, "but it looks like he came a cropper."

mick I am enjoying these

Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".

― fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is p much ideal

bit odd that my gf only listens to music by richey edwards, bob geldof's daughter and tv physicist brian cox. guess you could say she's a manics, pixie, d:ream girl

:D

Ahhhhhh that last one, yesssss.

lol that got zero traction on twitter but several people confronting me to groan irl

"My boyfriend is crazy about poetry, but I find I have a hard time getting into it."

"Oh my god, mine too! He keeps a whole book of cummings by his bed but when I borrowed it I couldn't open a single page!"

- D34thdr0ne

sometimes a cigar box is just a cigar box

mick you shld elaborate w/ shaggy-dog windup, that is the best part abt this series imo

LL Cool J walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a shot of Wild Turkey with a beer chaser. The bartender happens to be a lifelong fan of LL Cool J, and in fact finds him extremely sexy, but plays it cool: "Whiskey, beer back, there you go. And just allow me to say I'm a big fan."

The next night, LL Cool J returns to the bar, and the bartender is very excited. "Sir, sir, if you'll allow me to suggest one of our house specialties you might like! It's a shot of Wild Turkey with a shot of pickle juice. It's called a pickle back! Sounds a little weird, I know, but if you don't like it it's on the house. I mean, it's on the house anyway!"

Gamely, LL Cool J tries the drink, and finds it pleasantly bracing.

The following night, when LL Cool J walks in and sits down, the guy already has a shot of Wild Turkey poured and waiting for him. But by now the bartender's been excitedly touching himself under his apron all day with anticipation and, unable to contain himself, he ejaculates and it squirts all over LL Cool J's drink, face, and hoodie. The bartender stammers, trying to apologize or explain, but LL Cool J coolly holds up his hand.

"Don't call it a come back," LL Cool J says.

My friend (12):

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To talk to the asshole.

Knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
The chicken.

Never mind we googled it and it’s on Reddit, my friend (12) is a LIAR

Why do plaice tend to suffer from obesity?

It's the sedimentary lifestyle.

what do bison parents say when their little boy goes to school?
"bye, son!"

it’s true i do say that

What does a buck say to his wife when he comes down for breakfast?

"Morning, deer"

step it up guys

Let me tell you something, pal, I know a thing or two about baseball. There are bats, and the players wear clown wigs.

my pet doe, francine, got terribly sick after eating nothing but cured meats for seven months. the vet said it was vitally important that i feed her oats and grain instead. the problem is she has become so used to her meat diet that she refuses to eat anything else, no matter how many times I tell her “frankie, my deer, I won’t give a ham"

"Can you explain this lengthy gap in your CV?"
"Yes. That's when I was carrying you."

lol

loooool

wow

hee

Brilliant!