Homemade Jokes

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Sorry yet another new joke thread, but it's a slightly different request. My mate just sent me this, he made it up. I think it's bloody awful.

An unemployed Pheasant goes home to his wife to tell her he's got a new job
"How much will you bring home?" she asked
"Eleven thousand Pounds a year." he replied
"Is that Net?"
"No, it's Grouse."

so your post your homegrown jokes please.

Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Q. Why did Col Saunders cross the road?
A. To get to all the chickens.

Rob M (Rob M), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (seventeen years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (seventeen years ago) link

My sister had a great one at like 6. How did the giraffe climb the tree? With a ladder.

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (seventeen years ago) link

If you play pinball in an arcade for a given length of time, a small child will stand to the left of you and breathe on your flipper playing hand...

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (seventeen years ago) link

A man walks into a bar...

And buys...

A GLASS OF MILK!!

(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)

Sarah (starry), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:20 (seventeen years ago) link

Not min e but a friend's..."did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon? It was a tie"

winterland, Friday, 5 March 2004 10:43 (seventeen years ago) link

A single digit joke:
- What did the swiss cheese say to Jesus?
- I'm holy just like you.

In the last couple of years:
- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.
- Virgin?
- No, GNER

Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:49 (seventeen years ago) link

I find my halfassed joke about their name being 'And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Jizz' pretty funny, which it isn't really

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:51 (seventeen years ago) link

they're called Placebo

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:55 (seventeen years ago) link

Amber (4 at the time)
"Dad, you know a dog that rounds up sheep is a sheepdog?"
"Yeah?"
"and a dog that helps blind people is a guide dog?"
"Mmm Hmm?"
"Well, if there was a dog that rounded up other dogs, would that be a dogdog?" (starts laffing at her own...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:59 (seventeen years ago) link

That's pretty clever! We have a dogdog

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:01 (seventeen years ago) link

When I had a single-digit age I came up with "why did Jesus keep falling apart? Because he was holy." My mother told me off severely for being blasphemous.

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:02 (seventeen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question.

CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:04 (seventeen years ago) link

Amber again, her first christmas she'd be old enough to understand (getting presents at least...) age two I guess..
"I know a song about Jesus"
"OK go on..."
"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"
(puzzled look from me...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:05 (seventeen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:06 (seventeen years ago) link

What did James Brown say when he had finished his dinner but wanted to keep some to eat later on, in case he got hungry?


Take it to the fridge.

hmmm, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:59 (seventeen years ago) link

I like this thread.

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:36 (seventeen years ago) link

I posted this on the other joke thread, but didn't mention that it was my own:

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 5 March 2004 17:26 (seventeen years ago) link

two weeks pass...
What did the Civil Rights activists say when they got an invitation to a dinner party?

"We shall come over!"

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (seventeen years ago) link

My favourite (own) joke:

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (seventeen years ago) link

Have I been in a coma?

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (seventeen years ago) link

That joke is not as funny to read, really. Actually, it's not really funny at all. Maybe Ally's face is just funny when he tells it.

kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (seventeen years ago) link

No, it's shit. But somehow....great.

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (seventeen years ago) link

never admit the shit!!!!!!!

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (seventeen years ago) link

My brother made this one up when he was only just old enough to speak but it still cracks me up:

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.


One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (seventeen years ago) link

admit the shit.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (seventeen years ago) link

Man this thread rules. Ally's joke is awesome.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (seventeen years ago) link

My feher-in-law just sent me a great joke:

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (seventeen years ago) link

When my son was about 6 or 7, he made up the following:

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (seventeen years ago) link

four years pass...

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (twelve years ago) link

one year passes...

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (eleven years ago) link

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (eleven years ago) link

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (eleven years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (eleven years ago) link

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (eleven years ago) link

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (eleven years ago) link

five months pass...

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (eleven years ago) link

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (eleven years ago) link

your mom

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (eleven years ago) link

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (eleven years ago) link

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (eleven years ago) link

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (eleven years ago) link

two months pass...

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they dragon.

RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (ten years ago) link

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (ten years ago) link

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (ten years ago) link

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (ten years ago) link

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (ten years ago) link

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (ten years ago) link

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (ten years ago) link

global capitalist exploitation

trans-panda express (m bison), Tuesday, 22 December 2020 16:56 (four months ago) link

(i irl lol'd at the fgti santa fwiw)

trans-panda express (m bison), Tuesday, 22 December 2020 16:56 (four months ago) link

Q: Why did the Grim Reaper return his Amazon order?

A: Wrong scythe

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Friday, 25 December 2020 03:22 (four months ago) link

Did you hear that Pharrell and Chad Hugo are trying to help their kids get started in the music business?
It's a real case of Nepotunism.

peace, man, Friday, 25 December 2020 17:13 (four months ago) link

Hearing that 1980s popular music group ABC are calling for a national lockdown on the grounds that tiers are not enough.

Noel Emits, Sunday, 3 January 2021 17:23 (four months ago) link

Meanwhile Tuxedo Moon are reported as saying they believe zoos should remain open in the evenings.

Noel Emits, Sunday, 3 January 2021 17:26 (four months ago) link

Some Radio 4 topical comedy level content there.

Noel Emits, Sunday, 3 January 2021 17:30 (four months ago) link

My lols are dry

flamboyant goon tie included, Sunday, 3 January 2021 17:48 (four months ago) link

Folks, I'm no antivaxer or conspiracy theorist, but I'm a little concerned about Bill Gates' involvement in the COVID vaccine. What if it automatically reformats our DNA?

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 6 January 2021 06:45 (four months ago) link

will we need a patch every month?

StanM, Wednesday, 6 January 2021 13:06 (four months ago) link

My wife doesn't want me to get the vaccine. She says, "I like you better in a mask."

The other day, I thought I had Covid. I got dressed up for my wife and she said, "You have no taste."

I had some Covid symptoms the other day. I asked my doctor, "Are you worried?" He said, "Yeah, there's a chance you'll survive."

dinnerboat, Wednesday, 6 January 2021 16:05 (four months ago) link

^ makes me want to try the veal

StanM, Wednesday, 6 January 2021 16:22 (four months ago) link

what did james murphy call his home security setup of dogs with lights strapped to their heads?

the LED houndsystem

trans-panda express (m bison), Sunday, 10 January 2021 16:22 (four months ago) link

I think I might be immune to Covid. Every time my wife sees me naked, she says, "You have an antibody."

This lockdown's been tough on us. My wife redecorated the bedroom — she put up a "Keep 6 feet apart" sign.

Work's been tough, too. I asked my boss if I could work remotely. He said, "Not even close."

dinnerboat, Thursday, 14 January 2021 16:22 (three months ago) link

you are inching closer to a tight borscht-belt five

early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 14 January 2021 16:24 (three months ago) link

Keep it up, you might be able to put together a whole set

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 January 2021 16:25 (three months ago) link

lol xp

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 January 2021 16:25 (three months ago) link

Sometimes I feel like my wife isn't even listening to me anymore during our conversations. In fact, I suspect she has me on mute.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 January 2021 16:27 (three months ago) link

I hear you. I’m so ugly, I tried to Facetime my wife — she thought it was a butt dial.

I’m too ugly for Zoom, too. Every time I call someone, they complain about my webcam. That it’s on.

dinnerboat, Thursday, 14 January 2021 18:48 (three months ago) link

wakka wakka wakka

map, Thursday, 14 January 2021 19:17 (three months ago) link

You're right. This pandemic's no joke. A friend asked if I can handle social distancing. I said, "I'm married, ain't I?"

dinnerboat, Thursday, 14 January 2021 19:59 (three months ago) link

take my wife... mask

exist in theory (esby), Thursday, 14 January 2021 20:11 (three months ago) link

two weeks pass...

Using reconciliation to get the bigger package? Sounds like when I sleep with my ex!

Joses Chrust (map), Tuesday, 2 February 2021 22:44 (three months ago) link

Reach around the aisle

flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 3 February 2021 02:18 (three months ago) link

and continuing the "jokes overheard in p-town" theme:

I started a substack. Come by tonight and I'll add you to the pile!

Joses Chrust (map), Wednesday, 3 February 2021 20:02 (three months ago) link

Tried putting some bits of those CGYOOMH films into a Prophet 2000 sampler and all that came out was silence. Those Curtis filters work really well!

Noel Emits, Sunday, 14 February 2021 17:39 (two months ago) link

So you've heard Linkin Park, but have you ever heard my Instagram band, Linkin Bio?

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 15 February 2021 23:10 (two months ago) link

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"cos u don't wash ur ass"

he said that you son of a bitch (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 16 February 2021 02:50 (two months ago) link

And Neanderthal said unto the Lord,

Fuck washing an ass

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Tuesday, 16 February 2021 05:01 (two months ago) link

what do you call it when you point and laugh at someone else's climate disaster? no-shade-enfreude

lord of the ting tings (map), Tuesday, 16 February 2021 20:51 (two months ago) link

two weeks pass...

Donna Summer went to a bar one night in the 70s, hoping to meet a nice man. She met a dashing, peculiar man in a trenchcoat. He seemed sweet, but something was off about him that she couldn't put her finger on. After a few dates, her heart was broken when the man removed his trenchcoat and revealed he was not a man at all, but four eels stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat.

Her heart was broken. She felt so deceived. She stopped dating for a while. Her friend was worried about her and invited her out to go to a bar a few months later.

She talked to a few guys, but didn't really hit it off. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a dashing man wearing a trenchcoat. She started to get up, and her friend smiled, but Donna then hesitated and sat back down, laughing to herself.
"Donna, why didn't you go talk to that man?", he asked. "You two might have hit it off!"
Donna replied - "This time, I know it's four eels."

Red Nerussi (Neanderthal), Thursday, 4 March 2021 21:49 (two months ago) link

I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy

— joshh O))) (@JNalv) February 20, 2013

Terrific joke

flamboyant goon tie included, Friday, 5 March 2021 16:10 (two months ago) link

lol ledge yesterday I spent all day wondering why my 'joek' felt so derivative and a friend shared that with me and I remembered I'd seen it years earlier.

Red Nerussi (Neanderthal), Friday, 5 March 2021 16:27 (two months ago) link

Picasso great artists etc, great job with the shaggy dog lead up.

i felt really bad for donna summer in neanderthal's telling, and then really happy that she didn't fall for it a second time.

map ca. 1890 (map), Friday, 5 March 2021 16:34 (two months ago) link

When the jester was thrown in jail, his wife was permitted to make funjuggle visits

Party With A Jagger Ban (dog latin), Friday, 5 March 2021 16:44 (two months ago) link

Q: How do you catch a unique impala?

A: Unique up on him!

Q: How do you catch a tame impala?

(audience: “The tame way, shurely?”)

A: No!
You drown him in reverb.

"The Pus/Worm" by The Smiths (hardcore dilettante), Tuesday, 9 March 2021 18:26 (two months ago) link

Wye Oak?
Because Acorn

map ca. 1890 (map), Tuesday, 16 March 2021 16:30 (one month ago) link

Tom Hanks dies and goes to heaven.

As he sit in the waiting room, he hears his name called by an archangel who invites him into a private room. All is white marble, lit from within, extending outward endlessly.

"Thomas J. Hanks?" asks the archangel.
"That's me," says Tom Hanks

"Mister Hanks, you are a blessed individual, a rare specimen among all that we in heaven call human."
"Me?"
"You. You have attracted the attention of the almighty with your mastery of the craft of storytelling, mendacity of emotion and wizardry of impersonation. Mister Hanks, it is my glorious duty to let you know that you are God's favorite actor."
"Oh my gosh."
"Indeed. Mister Hanks, what I am about to ask you is unprecedented in my many millennia as a servant of our Lord God but it comes directly from the Unknowable itself. God has requested a private audience with you."

"Wow!"
"Will you accept this request from your creator?"
"Well! Yeah!"
"We are pleased to hear this. Mister Hanks, I am sure you have much experience meeting with fans in your mortal life."
"Certainly."
"So I imagine you understand that fans have a picture in their minds of how they would like those meetings to go."
"Sure...?"
"We hope you will also understand the request that God Almighty, as a fan of you and your work, has asked me to convey to you today."
"Okay."
"God wants to take an audience with you whilst wearing the shared mortal garb of your greatest role."
"I don't understand."

"Mister Hanks, God has taken the most enjoyment from the role you played in Bosom Buddies."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"The 1980's ABC prime-time sitcom Bosom Buddies. It is the Almighty's favorite television program."
"Seriously?"
"An angel never lies, Mister Hanks. It is considered, in heaven, to be the greatest human drama ever created."
"But that was... I mean, it was a paycheck. I was doing it for a paycheck and I was young and-"
"Mister Hanks, the ways of God and man are unknowable. Much of what we think matters is nothing in the eyes of the universe. The plight of the smallest sparrow can move our Lord with all the impact and pity of a hundred years of human war. The Divine is as truly Unknowable and so are its ways."
"I was nominated for six Oscars."
"Nevertheless! It is unwise to question Divinity!"

The face of the archangel shimmers, revealing a vulpine visage rising from some impossible depth, teeth dripping ichor and blood, eyes like embers of fire...

"No! Wait!" screams Tom Hanks. "I'm sorry! I didn't... of course! I'll do it! I would be overjoyed to be in his presence!"
"Its presence."
"ITS presence, of course! Anything! Anything for a fan!"

The angel reassumes its previous form.

"We are pleased to hear this Mister Hanks. And we trust you would be willing to... indulge this particular fan?"
"Without question! Anything! It's an honor!"
"Excellent. So as I was saying, God loved you in Bosom Buddies."
"Right. Great... great show."
"And as a fan, the Almighty would like to meet with you in character."
"I... well, sure!"
"Wearing the costume you wore in that program."
"The, the dress? The wig and the dress?"
"As you say, the wig and the dress. And then the Unknowable will appear in the mortal garb of your costar."
"...okay?"
"And the two of you will be, in visage and in heaven, truly Bosom Buddies."
"Okay."
"It's for a selfie."

Well, thinks Tom Hanks, why not? He has been to thousands of funders' brunches, industry meet and greets, press tours, red carpets. What's one more now? And so what if it's in a dress and a wig? The years have not been kind to the outdated drag caricature he played so many years ago and it has never set quite right with Tom Hanks in his heart that he rose to prominence on his strength playing a sexist stereotype. Perhaps this meeting is an equalling to some cosmic scale, a final opportunity to repay a cultural debt on behalf of millions of men and women for whom passing was not comedy, but survival.

"You know what, let's do this!" says Tom Hanks.
"Excellent," says the archangel.

And suddenly a dressing model appears next to Tom Hanks with a floral print blouse, a pink pantsuit and a chartreuse silk scarf. Hanks changes into the costume.
From on high, as if on gossamer thread, an auburn wig of curly hair and a thick string of costume jewelry pearls descends. Hanks puts them on.
The marble floor silently opens up, like a toothless mouth, to reveal a makeup mirror and a selection of blushes, lipsticks, eyeliners, mascara. Hanks expertly applies his face.

Tom Hanks is alone in the room of infinite marble now, reaching into his past and resurrecting Kip Wilson, Manhattanite graphic artist in his twenties. Or wait! Did God expect to meet Buffy? Was he meant to be in character as his character or as his character in character? There is no time to decide.

A supernova flash explodes before his eyes, leaving everything white on white, incomprehensible and stunning. Hanks' vision slowly starts to clear and he sees before him, only a few feet away, a creation of pure and exquisite light, draped over with the very same dress and wig that he has just put on himself.

There is a voice that's not a voice. It sounds to Tom Hanks like that of his mother and father and self and the ocean all wrapped into one.
The voice says: "TOM HANKS!"

And then again, this time discernibly querulous:
"TOM.... HANKS?"

Tom Hanks says "Yes God?"

There is a grumble like a volcano.
"ARE YOU... THOMAS JEFFREY HANKS?"
"Yes God."

A pause like that after a lightning bolt.
"... THE ACTOR?"
"I.. I like to think so God."

The grumbling again now, but it is less volcano and more throaty and impersonal, more a voice from a drive-thru loudspeaker.
"OH. OH DEAR. THIS IS EMBARRASSING."

Tom Hanks squints into the light. "Lord? Is everything alright?"

"I AM SORRY MY SON. IT'S JUST THAT... WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE OTHER ONE."

"The other one?"

"THE LITTLE ONE. THE BLONDE. WHAT WAS HIS NAME?"

"You mean Peter? Peter Scolari?"

"RIGHT! RIGHT, RIGHT. SCOLARI. I ALWAYS FORGET HIS NAME. SO THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT YOU THEN."

"Um. No?"

"GOT IT. MY BAD. AND YOUR NAME WAS...?"

"I'm... I'm Tom Hanks."

"TOM HANKS! OF COURSE! TOM HANKS! GIVE ME A MOMENT HERE..."

There is the sound of a hundred thousand abaci beads clicking, a million keystrokes, the scratch of quill on parchment, books cracking open, accounts being read.

"TOM HANKS, TOM HANKS, TOM HANKS. AH YES! TOM HANKS!" says God.

"YOU GO TO HELL."

G.A.G.S. (Gophers Against Getting Stuffed) (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 16 March 2021 19:46 (one month ago) link

i have a lengthy joke about tom hanks going to heaven if anyone wants to hear it in person.
― Steve 'n' Seagulls and Flock of Van Dammes (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, November 4, 2014 8:41 PM (six years ago)

G.A.G.S. (Gophers Against Getting Stuffed) (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 16 March 2021 19:46 (one month ago) link

two weeks pass...

stole this from someone else so idk but it fits the general vibe

if you were a child when "red red wine" was released ub40 ish now

John Cooper of Christian rock band Skillet (map), Friday, 2 April 2021 21:55 (one month ago) link

lol oof

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Friday, 16 April 2021 15:52 (three weeks ago) link

lmao

P-Zunit (Neanderthal), Friday, 16 April 2021 15:53 (three weeks ago) link

what is the name of the female-fronted goth band in game of thrones?
the misters of cercei

John Cooper of Christian rock band Skillet (map), Wednesday, 21 April 2021 17:59 (two weeks ago) link

"Thank you for calling Faith No More's billing department. How may I help you?"

"I have a $12 charge on my monthly invoice that I don't recognize. What is it?"

"It's it."

"What is it?"

"It's it."

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Filibuster Poindexter (Neanderthal), Monday, 26 April 2021 13:36 (two weeks ago) link

Just now reading Forks' shaggy dog story. Wonderful attention to detail; I'm still chuckling at "less volcano and more throaty and impersonal, more a voice from a drive-thru loudspeaker." Kudos.

Three Rings for the Elven Bishop (Dan Peterson), Monday, 26 April 2021 15:52 (two weeks ago) link

thanks. it took most of my day to write that fuckin thing out!

Draymond is "Mr Dumpy" (forksclovetofu), Monday, 26 April 2021 15:52 (two weeks ago) link

it's brilliant. excellent work. i also learnt the word "ichor"

Urbandn hope all ye who enter here (dog latin), Monday, 26 April 2021 16:00 (two weeks ago) link

The dissident Chinese artist decided it was time to drop some pounds when he looked in the mirror one morning and thought "Ai Wei Wei too much."

Hideous Lump, Tuesday, 27 April 2021 03:37 (two weeks ago) link


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