Homemade Jokes

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Sorry yet another new joke thread, but it's a slightly different request. My mate just sent me this, he made it up. I think it's bloody awful.

An unemployed Pheasant goes home to his wife to tell her he's got a new job
"How much will you bring home?" she asked
"Eleven thousand Pounds a year." he replied
"Is that Net?"
"No, it's Grouse."

so your post your homegrown jokes please.

Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:15 (eighteen years ago) link

Q. Why did Col Saunders cross the road?
A. To get to all the chickens.

Rob M (Rob M), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (eighteen years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (eighteen years ago) link

My sister had a great one at like 6. How did the giraffe climb the tree? With a ladder.

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (eighteen years ago) link

If you play pinball in an arcade for a given length of time, a small child will stand to the left of you and breathe on your flipper playing hand...

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (eighteen years ago) link

A man walks into a bar...

And buys...

A GLASS OF MILK!!

(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)

Sarah (starry), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:20 (eighteen years ago) link

Not min e but a friend's..."did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon? It was a tie"

winterland, Friday, 5 March 2004 10:43 (eighteen years ago) link

A single digit joke:
- What did the swiss cheese say to Jesus?
- I'm holy just like you.

In the last couple of years:
- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.
- Virgin?
- No, GNER

Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:49 (eighteen years ago) link

I find my halfassed joke about their name being 'And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Jizz' pretty funny, which it isn't really

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:51 (eighteen years ago) link

they're called Placebo

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:55 (eighteen years ago) link

Amber (4 at the time)
"Dad, you know a dog that rounds up sheep is a sheepdog?"
"Yeah?"
"and a dog that helps blind people is a guide dog?"
"Mmm Hmm?"
"Well, if there was a dog that rounded up other dogs, would that be a dogdog?" (starts laffing at her own...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:59 (eighteen years ago) link

That's pretty clever! We have a dogdog

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:01 (eighteen years ago) link

When I had a single-digit age I came up with "why did Jesus keep falling apart? Because he was holy." My mother told me off severely for being blasphemous.

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:02 (eighteen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question.

CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:04 (eighteen years ago) link

Amber again, her first christmas she'd be old enough to understand (getting presents at least...) age two I guess..
"I know a song about Jesus"
"OK go on..."
"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"
(puzzled look from me...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:05 (eighteen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:06 (eighteen years ago) link

What did James Brown say when he had finished his dinner but wanted to keep some to eat later on, in case he got hungry?


Take it to the fridge.

hmmm, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:59 (eighteen years ago) link

I like this thread.

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:36 (eighteen years ago) link

I posted this on the other joke thread, but didn't mention that it was my own:

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 5 March 2004 17:26 (eighteen years ago) link

two weeks pass...
What did the Civil Rights activists say when they got an invitation to a dinner party?

"We shall come over!"

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (eighteen years ago) link

My favourite (own) joke:

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (eighteen years ago) link

Have I been in a coma?

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (eighteen years ago) link

That joke is not as funny to read, really. Actually, it's not really funny at all. Maybe Ally's face is just funny when he tells it.

kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (eighteen years ago) link

No, it's shit. But somehow....great.

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (eighteen years ago) link

never admit the shit!!!!!!!

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (eighteen years ago) link

My brother made this one up when he was only just old enough to speak but it still cracks me up:

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.


One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (eighteen years ago) link

admit the shit.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (eighteen years ago) link

Man this thread rules. Ally's joke is awesome.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (eighteen years ago) link

My feher-in-law just sent me a great joke:

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (eighteen years ago) link

When my son was about 6 or 7, he made up the following:

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (eighteen years ago) link

four years pass...

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (fourteen years ago) link

one year passes...

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (twelve years ago) link

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (twelve years ago) link

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (twelve years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (twelve years ago) link

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (twelve years ago) link

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (twelve years ago) link

five months pass...

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (twelve years ago) link

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (twelve years ago) link

your mom

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (twelve years ago) link

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (twelve years ago) link

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (twelve years ago) link

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (twelve years ago) link

two months pass...

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they dragon.

RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (twelve years ago) link

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (twelve years ago) link

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (twelve years ago) link

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (twelve years ago) link

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (twelve years ago) link

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (twelve years ago) link

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (twelve years ago) link

For your FPs Only

sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 2 March 2022 23:20 (four months ago) link

three weeks pass...

Said to my dog while walking in the rain:

"It's that time in your life when you're going through muddypaws."

change display name (Jordan), Thursday, 24 March 2022 18:41 (three months ago) link

woof

peace, man, Thursday, 24 March 2022 18:51 (three months ago) link

two weeks pass...

A few years ago I started a bedmaking business. Unfortunately, it folded in the downturn.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Friday, 8 April 2022 19:46 (two months ago) link

Reminds me of the time I almost invested in a local fast-casual sushi chain. I pulled out when it turned out to be a ponzu scheme.

budo jeru, Friday, 8 April 2022 22:07 (two months ago) link

Why isn't Tampa International Airport called Tampa-X ? Think of the sponsorship opportunity!

StanM, Sunday, 10 April 2022 15:48 (two months ago) link

Reminds me of the time I almost invested in a local fast-casual sushi chain. I pulled out when it turned out to be a ponzu scheme.

― budo jeru, Friday, April 8, 2022 5:07 PM (two days ago) bookmarkflaglink

I was briefly partners in a Japanese-Italian fusion restaurant with one of the guys from Los Lobos. Made a great no-soy marinara.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Sunday, 10 April 2022 16:36 (two months ago) link

^ lol

StanM, Sunday, 10 April 2022 16:53 (two months ago) link

I started a condom business but I pulled out

Otto Insurance (Boring, Maryland), Monday, 11 April 2022 00:01 (two months ago) link

My novella publishing imprint filed chapter 11

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 02:20 (two months ago) link

I invested in a company designing mausoleums in a faux ancient egyptian style... never mind.

ledge, Monday, 11 April 2022 08:57 (two months ago) link

My part-synthetic pillow business is down 60%

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 12:35 (two months ago) link

Not saying it's sloppy work, but you can definitely tell where my Barcelona team has been cutting corners.

pplains, Monday, 11 April 2022 12:50 (two months ago) link

Basketball players do make a lot of money, but it's only the net income that gets attention.

pplains, Monday, 11 April 2022 12:52 (two months ago) link

lotta lols

flow, my crimson tears (flamboyant goon tie included), Monday, 11 April 2022 13:08 (two months ago) link

Doula business is already tough in this tight labor market, and now we're expecting a contraction

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 13:11 (two months ago) link

I tried offering tours of the bazaar, but the market was too crowded. And my porcelain factory couldn't compete with China.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 14:20 (two months ago) link

lol

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Monday, 11 April 2022 15:02 (two months ago) link

Are you all making these up? These are suspiciously actually funny.

o. nate, Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:36 (two months ago) link

ILX0RS can be quite funny, despite what you may read on the EXCELSIOR! threads.

Anita Quatloos (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:45 (two months ago) link

lol, p sure I mine up. I'm actually a pretty prolific dadjoke writer, to my kids' dismay. The day I posted those, I actually came up with dozens of other variations in a kind of coffee-fueled fugue state.

However it's not impossible I absorbed some of them from somewhere else a while back.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:49 (two months ago) link

*p sure I *made* mine up

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:49 (two months ago) link

Others from the same streak:

My earthquake damage assessment company went into default
I lost my hairline restoration career to the recession
Scuba instruction business went under
Funeral parlor is dead
Tried day trading but I'm almost out of options
I lost my bowling alley after the strike
Barely keeping the lights on at my solar-powered chandelier store
Bungee jumping business fell off a cliff
Lost the cookware store in the pandemic
volcano purchase finance company went bankrupt
tried to get into the extra-tall fence and gate business, but the barriers to entry were too high
grain silo is barley surviving
lost a lot of money in shipwreck exploration, but it's a sunk cost
my tennis pro shop got smashed after I didn't pay into the protection racket. These guys really went over the line. It would have been a net loss either way, so I can't fault myself for having the balls to say no.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:56 (two months ago) link

You can still shoehorn a 'love' into that last one

Andy the Grasshopper, Thursday, 14 April 2022 21:07 (two months ago) link

My boomerang company also fell off a cliff, because I totally forgot about it. But then it all came back to me.

The Sarsgaard-Skarsgård Scotchgard (weatheringdaleson), Thursday, 14 April 2022 21:23 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

What is the black bloc anarchist's favorite appetizer of olives and cheeses?

Antifapasto

Muad'Doob (Moodles), Friday, 27 May 2022 01:49 (one month ago) link

Yngwie Malmsteen walked into a concert hall for sound check one night. As he practiced his stage banter, pontificating on why he was so much better than everyone else, he saw a man in a bunny costume, slumped over, covered in parasitic worms all over his face, yelling in pain..

Eschewing his trademark solipsism for one moment, he called out for help to free the man from the worms.

Yngwie held the man's hand, moved by his predicament. Nobody came.

About a half hour passed, and it looked like nobody would arrive. Finally, a sound engineer came in, ran over, and safely detached the worms from the man's face

Yngwie looked to the man and exclaimed "Now you've unleeched the fucking Furry!!"

Gymnopédie Pablo (Neanderthal), Friday, 3 June 2022 18:46 (one month ago) link

They started an Olympics specifically for child carers— events include baby herding, extreme diaper changing, speed literacy teaching

It’s called the Au Pair Olympics

a legible shriek (flamboyant goon tie included), Sunday, 5 June 2022 02:53 (one month ago) link

two weeks pass...

Stop making NFT's happen, they're not a thing.

StanM, Wednesday, 22 June 2022 09:05 (one week ago) link

My company put on a half-day workshop on imposter syndrome for all employees. After the first ten minutes I realised I didn't suffer from it, so spent the rest of the session feeling like I didn't deserve to be there.

fetter, Wednesday, 22 June 2022 09:40 (one week ago) link

you're not even a real imposter

StanM, Wednesday, 22 June 2022 09:46 (one week ago) link

Not a joke but a Cher song I just sang to my bf:

🎶 If I could turn back time
🎶 If I could find a way
🎶 I’d go back and murder Hitler
🎶 As a baybay

flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 22 June 2022 13:17 (one week ago) link

y'all gotta quit giving sic his batsignal

Doop Snogg (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 22 June 2022 13:57 (one week ago) link

I didn't know what to leave out, sorry

StanM, Wednesday, 22 June 2022 14:02 (one week ago) link

everything after https://

dear confusion the catastrophe waitress (ledge), Wednesday, 22 June 2022 14:05 (one week ago) link

ha!

StanM, Wednesday, 22 June 2022 14:15 (one week ago) link

ftr I don't really care but y'know how it be :)

Doop Snogg (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 22 June 2022 14:20 (one week ago) link

Fwiw, fb links are tricky because you have to use the whole link, utm tags and all, to see the correct page.

Same thing with photo links too.

All part of their AOLesque "Internet – On the Internet!" style.

So yeah, ledge OTM. :-)

pplains, Wednesday, 22 June 2022 14:24 (one week ago) link

cartoon would be funnier if the second guy had a hitler moustache.

dear confusion the catastrophe waitress (ledge), Wednesday, 22 June 2022 14:27 (one week ago) link

Which Fall album do tennis fans like most?

I Am Kyrgios, Oranj!

Grandpont Genie, Saturday, 2 July 2022 19:43 (three days ago) link

When Jay-Z got engaged, what was the headline in the paper?

FEYONCÉ!

Grandpont Genie, Saturday, 2 July 2022 19:47 (three days ago) link

I have a homemade Far Side cartoon joke in my head, called something like "Clown Cemetery", which shows a row of burial plots and gravestones, except each plot has a pair of long clown shoes poking out of the earth (because the clowns are buried in their clown shoes, but not deep enough underground, haha?)

(I assume some variation of this exists as a gag somewhere)

Chuck_Tatum, Saturday, 2 July 2022 21:05 (three days ago) link

My wife and I started a shofar transportation business, but she kept getting the horn for the rabbi

Chuck_Tatum, Saturday, 2 July 2022 21:15 (three days ago) link

you should post the clown cartoon to Drawing Practice: Give me a total of 100 ideas to draw to see if I get any better by the 100th drawing.

budo jeru, Saturday, 2 July 2022 21:20 (three days ago) link

there's a Grimaldi park in Islington named because he's buried there (not sure about any other clowns)

'Twin casket-shaped installations made up of bronze floor tiles are designed to be walked on and react to the pressure of footfall by playing musical notes. The tiles are tuned so that it's possible to play "Hot Codlins", a song popularised by Grimaldi.'

i think the idea was that you dance on his (not-actual) grave and it plays a tune

koogs, Sunday, 3 July 2022 03:45 (two days ago) link

something can be done with cemetery + "grave danger"

StanM, Sunday, 3 July 2022 11:56 (two days ago) link

August 26, 1958 - April 5, 1924

"Oooh, someone has made a grave mistake!"

pplains, Sunday, 3 July 2022 15:04 (two days ago) link

^^^hell yeah

terence trent d'ilfer (m bison), Sunday, 3 July 2022 15:05 (two days ago) link

I guess I never posted this but maybe it’s time to rack up the fps:

In traditional Judaism, there is a a well-known taboo against tattoos.

The actor Patrick Warburton is not Jewish.

Still there was something questionable about his decision to get several lines of Jewish scripture inked in Hebrew on his back: at best a lapse in judgement, at worst a deliberately sacrilegious provocation.

When rumours started to spread online of his dubious stamp, the kronk’s new groove star attempted to get ahead of the story and stave off cancellation by tweeting categorically that no such tattoo existed and the whole thing was an obvious fabrication, posting photos of a plausible blank back as proof.

Unfortunately for him, internet sleuths managed to track down the tattooist alleged to have done the job, and though he tried to hold out and deny it for his client’s sake, under immense pressure he finally broke down and sang like a canary:

”I did! I did! I did Torah Puddy tat!”

Wiggum Dorma (wins), Sunday, 3 July 2022 16:49 (two days ago) link


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