Homemade Jokes

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Sorry yet another new joke thread, but it's a slightly different request. My mate just sent me this, he made it up. I think it's bloody awful.

An unemployed Pheasant goes home to his wife to tell her he's got a new job
"How much will you bring home?" she asked
"Eleven thousand Pounds a year." he replied
"Is that Net?"
"No, it's Grouse."

so your post your homegrown jokes please.

Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:15 (fifteen years ago) link

Q. Why did Col Saunders cross the road?
A. To get to all the chickens.

Rob M (Rob M), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (fifteen years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (fifteen years ago) link

My sister had a great one at like 6. How did the giraffe climb the tree? With a ladder.

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (fifteen years ago) link

If you play pinball in an arcade for a given length of time, a small child will stand to the left of you and breathe on your flipper playing hand...

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (fifteen years ago) link

A man walks into a bar...

And buys...

A GLASS OF MILK!!

(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)

Sarah (starry), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:20 (fifteen years ago) link

Not min e but a friend's..."did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon? It was a tie"

winterland, Friday, 5 March 2004 10:43 (fifteen years ago) link

A single digit joke:
- What did the swiss cheese say to Jesus?
- I'm holy just like you.

In the last couple of years:
- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.
- Virgin?
- No, GNER

Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:49 (fifteen years ago) link

I find my halfassed joke about their name being 'And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Jizz' pretty funny, which it isn't really

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:51 (fifteen years ago) link

they're called Placebo

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:55 (fifteen years ago) link

Amber (4 at the time)
"Dad, you know a dog that rounds up sheep is a sheepdog?"
"Yeah?"
"and a dog that helps blind people is a guide dog?"
"Mmm Hmm?"
"Well, if there was a dog that rounded up other dogs, would that be a dogdog?" (starts laffing at her own...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:59 (fifteen years ago) link

That's pretty clever! We have a dogdog

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:01 (fifteen years ago) link

When I had a single-digit age I came up with "why did Jesus keep falling apart? Because he was holy." My mother told me off severely for being blasphemous.

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:02 (fifteen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question.

CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:04 (fifteen years ago) link

Amber again, her first christmas she'd be old enough to understand (getting presents at least...) age two I guess..
"I know a song about Jesus"
"OK go on..."
"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"
(puzzled look from me...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:05 (fifteen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:06 (fifteen years ago) link

What did James Brown say when he had finished his dinner but wanted to keep some to eat later on, in case he got hungry?


Take it to the fridge.

hmmm, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:59 (fifteen years ago) link

I like this thread.

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:36 (fifteen years ago) link

I posted this on the other joke thread, but didn't mention that it was my own:

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 5 March 2004 17:26 (fifteen years ago) link

two weeks pass...
What did the Civil Rights activists say when they got an invitation to a dinner party?

"We shall come over!"

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (fifteen years ago) link

My favourite (own) joke:

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (fifteen years ago) link

Have I been in a coma?

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (fifteen years ago) link

That joke is not as funny to read, really. Actually, it's not really funny at all. Maybe Ally's face is just funny when he tells it.

kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (fifteen years ago) link

No, it's shit. But somehow....great.

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (fifteen years ago) link

never admit the shit!!!!!!!

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (fifteen years ago) link

My brother made this one up when he was only just old enough to speak but it still cracks me up:

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.


One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (fifteen years ago) link

admit the shit.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (fifteen years ago) link

Man this thread rules. Ally's joke is awesome.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (fifteen years ago) link

My feher-in-law just sent me a great joke:

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (fifteen years ago) link

When my son was about 6 or 7, he made up the following:

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (fifteen years ago) link

four years pass...

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (eleven years ago) link

one year passes...

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (ten years ago) link

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (ten years ago) link

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (ten years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (ten years ago) link

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (ten years ago) link

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (ten years ago) link

five months pass...

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (nine years ago) link

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (nine years ago) link

your mom

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (nine years ago) link

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (nine years ago) link

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (nine years ago) link

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (nine years ago) link

two months pass...

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they dragon.

RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (nine years ago) link

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (nine years ago) link

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (nine years ago) link

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (nine years ago) link

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (nine years ago) link

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (nine years ago) link

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (nine years ago) link

you must have a pH of 7 or greater, because you're basic

(i'm sure i didn't come up with that but i don't get out much)

rip van wanko, Wednesday, 3 April 2019 13:25 (ten months ago) link

two months pass...

The young playboy was always running up debts, gambling and such, but this time it was looking severe. They were threatening to break his leg -- or even his handsome nose.

One fine afternoon, he picked up his elderly aunt from her country estate to take her for a drive in his sporty new roadster. Before they got far, though, the motorcar went off the road at top speed and struck a boulder.

When the police arrived, they found the lady lying several yards from the crash with a broken neck. The lad, though, was securely buckled into his seat and perfectly unscathed apart from a scratch or two. Indeed, he was smiling benignly, and in his right hand he held a clump of high-denomination banknotes that was slowly dripping spunk.

What happened, asked the constable?

"Oh dear," replied the lad. "Terribly shocking, but when poor Auntie died, I seem to have come into a bit of money."

mick signals, Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:08 (eight months ago) link

Q: What's a vegetarian's favourite breakfast cereal?
A: Quorn flakes

van dyke parks generator (anagram), Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:15 (eight months ago) link

mick signals

flamboyant goon tie included, Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:40 (eight months ago) link

Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".

fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (eight months ago) link

The grizzled detective took in the bizarre, gruesome scene. From the deceased man on the blood-drenched motel bed, whose groin appeared to have been suddenly torn apart from within, to the incongruous piece of antique harvesting machinery lying halfway across the room.

"His date was pinned under that thing, leg broken," reported the patrolman who had responded to the neighboring room's report of a crash and scream. "Ambulance just left. What is it, anyway?"

"I don't know what the hell he thought he was trying to do," sighed the detective, "but it looks like he came a cropper."

mick signals, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 13:21 (eight months ago) link

mick I am enjoying these

d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 13:42 (eight months ago) link

Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".

― fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is p much ideal

godfellaz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 14:46 (eight months ago) link

bit odd that my gf only listens to music by richey edwards, bob geldof's daughter and tv physicist brian cox. guess you could say she's a manics, pixie, d:ream girl

devvvine, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 15:15 (eight months ago) link

:D

Uptown VONC (Le Bateau Ivre), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 15:42 (eight months ago) link

Ahhhhhh that last one, yesssss.

emil.y, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:04 (eight months ago) link

lol that got zero traction on twitter but several people confronting me to groan irl

devvvine, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:05 (eight months ago) link

"My boyfriend is crazy about poetry, but I find I have a hard time getting into it."

"Oh my god, mine too! He keeps a whole book of cummings by his bed but when I borrowed it I couldn't open a single page!"

mick signals, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 12:52 (eight months ago) link

- D34thdr0ne

Uptown VONC (Le Bateau Ivre), Wednesday, 19 June 2019 12:55 (eight months ago) link

sometimes a cigar box is just a cigar box

pplains, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 13:09 (eight months ago) link

mick you shld elaborate w/ shaggy-dog windup, that is the best part abt this series imo

d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 19 June 2019 14:40 (eight months ago) link

LL Cool J walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a shot of Wild Turkey with a beer chaser. The bartender happens to be a lifelong fan of LL Cool J, and in fact finds him extremely sexy, but plays it cool: "Whiskey, beer back, there you go. And just allow me to say I'm a big fan."

The next night, LL Cool J returns to the bar, and the bartender is very excited. "Sir, sir, if you'll allow me to suggest one of our house specialties you might like! It's a shot of Wild Turkey with a shot of pickle juice. It's called a pickle back! Sounds a little weird, I know, but if you don't like it it's on the house. I mean, it's on the house anyway!"

Gamely, LL Cool J tries the drink, and finds it pleasantly bracing.

The following night, when LL Cool J walks in and sits down, the guy already has a shot of Wild Turkey poured and waiting for him. But by now the bartender's been excitedly touching himself under his apron all day with anticipation and, unable to contain himself, he ejaculates and it squirts all over LL Cool J's drink, face, and hoodie. The bartender stammers, trying to apologize or explain, but LL Cool J coolly holds up his hand.

"Don't call it a come back," LL Cool J says.

mick signals, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 15:40 (eight months ago) link

My friend (12):

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To talk to the asshole.

Knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
The chicken.

flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 29 June 2019 05:24 (eight months ago) link

Never mind we googled it and it’s on Reddit, my friend (12) is a LIAR

flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 29 June 2019 05:26 (eight months ago) link

one month passes...

Why do plaice tend to suffer from obesity?

It's the sedimentary lifestyle.

Thank You (Fattekin Mice Elf Control Again) (Noel Emits), Saturday, 10 August 2019 17:54 (six months ago) link

one month passes...

what do bison parents say when their little boy goes to school?
"bye, son!"

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Friday, 4 October 2019 09:35 (four months ago) link

it’s true i do say that

What does a buck say to his wife when he comes down for breakfast?

"Morning, deer"

Hideous Lump, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:23 (four months ago) link

step it up guys

The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Saturday, 5 October 2019 17:06 (four months ago) link

Let me tell you something, pal, I know a thing or two about baseball. There are bats, and the players wear clown wigs.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 16 October 2019 19:37 (four months ago) link

my pet doe, francine, got terribly sick after eating nothing but cured meats for seven months. the vet said it was vitally important that i feed her oats and grain instead. the problem is she has become so used to her meat diet that she refuses to eat anything else, no matter how many times I tell her “frankie, my deer, I won’t give a ham"

devvvine, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 19:25 (four months ago) link

"Can you explain this lengthy gap in your CV?"
"Yes. That's when I was carrying you."

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:49 (four months ago) link

lol

☮ (peace, man), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (four months ago) link

loooool

jmm, Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (four months ago) link

wow

hee

kinder, Monday, 28 October 2019 15:11 (four months ago) link

Brilliant!

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 28 October 2019 15:47 (four months ago) link

two weeks pass...

I invented a new format of joke:

What do you call it when you steal something from a store?
Shoplifting.
And what do you call it when you’re in the market for an elevator?
Liftshopping.

What do you call it when you abduct somebody?
Kidnapping.
And what do you call it when you are only pretending to sleep?
Napkidding.

that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 15 November 2019 21:25 (three months ago) link

ah the inverted "what's the difference between...?"

deems of internment (darraghmac), Friday, 15 November 2019 21:30 (three months ago) link

‪“So babe what you in the mood for tonight”‬
‪“You know the singer Lana Del Rey”‬
‪“Ya”‬
‪“You know what her name is backwards?”‬
‪“What”‬
‪“Yer Led Anal”‬

that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 28 November 2019 05:48 (three months ago) link

three weeks pass...

It really annoys me that I have to carry around a large furry paw with a chitinous exoskeleton. It's a bit of a bugbear of mine.

never knowingly otm (Noel Emits), Monday, 23 December 2019 15:22 (two months ago) link

What did the time traveler say to Mozart after returning from a hip-hop concert in the year 2010?

“Odd future, Wolfgang”

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Sunday, 29 December 2019 03:32 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

What's Jean-Paul Sartre's least favourite Irish county?

Wiiicklow

Number None, Thursday, 13 February 2020 06:52 (two weeks ago) link

My nephew's horrible at playing violin!

As soon as he starts practicing, I curl up into a fiddle position.

pplains, Friday, 14 February 2020 03:46 (two weeks ago) link

marvelous

majority whip, majority nae nae (m bison), Friday, 14 February 2020 04:20 (two weeks ago) link

Had to read that one out to myself in an American accent

Wuhan!! Got You All in Check (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Friday, 14 February 2020 09:13 (two weeks ago) link

I wasn’t too impressed with the latest Keanu action flick; all in all, it’s just another wick in a brawl.

wee jim o’conor (wins), Friday, 14 February 2020 10:52 (two weeks ago) link

Whoa!

☮️ (peace, man), Friday, 14 February 2020 12:01 (two weeks ago) link

haaa

Suggest Banshee (Hadrian VIII), Friday, 14 February 2020 12:31 (two weeks ago) link

I take my hat off to you

kinder, Friday, 14 February 2020 12:50 (two weeks ago) link

Ha, and I had to read wins' in a Yankee accent too.

pplains, Friday, 14 February 2020 21:36 (two weeks ago) link

Q: What did Elton John say when he put a ten cent piece on a railroad track?
A: I think it’s gonna be an oblong dime.

epistantophus, Sunday, 16 February 2020 14:47 (one week ago) link

A+

o. nate, Tuesday, 18 February 2020 01:12 (one week ago) link

Last three are all keepers


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