Homemade Jokes

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

And buys...

A GLASS OF MILK!!

(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)

In the last couple of years:
- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.
- Virgin?
- No, GNER

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

Take it to the fridge.

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

"We shall come over!"

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.

One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

your mom

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
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Because they dragon.

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

aww i just got it

first I hated it, now I love it

Thanks all, this is pretty much the only place for it so I'm glad it worked ...

Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?

Triteraflops

Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.

"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"

Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???

No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]

i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it

actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke

q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
a: a letter of marque

That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .

Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?
A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.

What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?

Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness

Your Gods so omnipresent...

"How omnipresent is he?!?"

Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house

I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...

No one could understand it  when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

Lol H.P.

xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!

For your respects neando, have another.

Have you heard how poor the Christians are?

"How poor are they?!?"

The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!

If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume

who was Christian Vander's favourite grunge artist?
Curt Kobaiian

There used to be a secret penis hidden in Rembrandt's The Night Watch until he was ordered to paint over it by its central figure.
He was Banninck Cocq

My son said last night right before bed, "I'm going to be like the Republicans and GO P."

Hardly a new one I'm sure but he was happy to have come up with it

I think that’s original to your son actually

What do you call an astrophysicist with a BDSM daddy fetish in your front lawn?

Kneel de grass, tie son

oh my god

knock knock
who's there?
ewan
ewan who?
ewan your mate can both fuck off

Lol at "GO P" ... that's great!

Lol doorag,
Reminds me of this YouTube great

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMh5VFdpShQ

This is for people wanting to get any easy junk joke on someone

You: So what are you putting in your coffee these days?
A: *Answer doesn't matter*
You: Yeah, I've been trying to watch my weight these days - you know about those sugar substitutes?
A: *Answer doesn't matter*
You: There's this new one I've been using that removed the sucrose from sugar. So they call it UGAR.
A: UGAR?
You: As in you gargle on *insert whatever you want*

"I'm just back from a birdwatching holiday in Bordeaux."
"Sauternes?"
"No, just a load of gulls."

Have you seen the Jennifer Love Hewitt teen movie about road tripping across England?

Kent Ardsley Wight

They say Dublin is growing fast.

But you know what city is growing even faster?

Quadruplin

thats good stuff

Sometimes when I go to the gym, I see Eddie Vedder there, working out with a few of his buddies. They were there last week, and I guess Eddie must have been trying to break his Personal Record for the bench press, the way he was grunting and growling and straining himself.

Well, he got through one rep, but then there must have been some miscommunication with the guys who were spotting him about whether he wanted to keep going. One of the guys turned away for a second, right as Eddie lost his grip on the bar, and it came crashing down on top of him. Fortunately he wasn't injured, but he jumped up real angry and yelled "Don't maul me, spotter!"

idgi, but then I don’t know any Pearl Jam song except “Jeremy”

Did you see Eddie Abbew joined Metallica on stage?

He sang "EGGS TO-NIGHT! IT'S YOUR DI-EEEET"

Q: What did little Antony Kiedis say when he went to the zoo and all the monkeys were gone?
A: Gibbon away, gibbon away, gibbon away now.

that's good but gibbon's are apes, not monkeys

oof

i heard he set a world record in sex crimes.

oh, diddy?

What's the opposite of Richard Scarry?

https://i.ibb.co/W0646Wt/MV5-BMj-Ew-Mzgy-NTI0-MF5-BMl5-Ban-Bn-Xk-Ft-ZTYw-MTQ0-OTI4-V1-1.jpg

Baaaahahahhaa

So I was in my glassblowing workshop, eh? And I was getting ready to make some Pyrex, when I realized I was out of raw materials. So I went down to the glassmaker's supply shop, but when I went to pay for my stuff, I was a loonie short, and that hoser wouldn't sell it to me. But I got a buddy who also blows glass, so I went to his house. When he opened the door, I asked him, "Can I borrow silicate?"

I was beside myself when I heard that not only was Van Morrison a huge fan of classic 80s rap, but that he was reconvening his original band to cover some of the classics of the era! But as thrilled as I was to learn about it, I was just as deflated to find out that it was a one off and they're not releasing the recordings. Now I'll never know what it sounded like... I guess Them's The Breaks

Nice

which French philosopher is also a liminal closure?
Jacques Dooridoor

Them's The Breaks could be the crossword answer for "Van Morrison Covering A Kurtis Blow Classic?"

i guess that's the joke...

indeed but perhaps it is better as a crossword clue than a joke. hmm...

cashier at the bodega got me real good with one today. can't confirm that it's homemade, but it did come free with a pack of cigarettes

cashier: you hear about that famous actress? somebody tried to kill her this morning. can't remember her name, think it was Reese something.

me: Witherspoon?

cashier: no, no, with a knife

Amazing

Q. What do you call a camel that's lost its humps?
A. Humphrey

Came up with that one while drifting off to sleep last night and woke myself up

excellent