Homemade Jokes

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Sorry yet another new joke thread, but it's a slightly different request. My mate just sent me this, he made it up. I think it's bloody awful.

An unemployed Pheasant goes home to his wife to tell her he's got a new job
"How much will you bring home?" she asked
"Eleven thousand Pounds a year." he replied
"Is that Net?"
"No, it's Grouse."

so your post your homegrown jokes please.

Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:15 (sixteen years ago) link

Q. Why did Col Saunders cross the road?
A. To get to all the chickens.

Rob M (Rob M), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (sixteen years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (sixteen years ago) link

My sister had a great one at like 6. How did the giraffe climb the tree? With a ladder.

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (sixteen years ago) link

If you play pinball in an arcade for a given length of time, a small child will stand to the left of you and breathe on your flipper playing hand...

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (sixteen years ago) link

A man walks into a bar...

And buys...

A GLASS OF MILK!!

(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)

Sarah (starry), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Not min e but a friend's..."did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon? It was a tie"

winterland, Friday, 5 March 2004 10:43 (sixteen years ago) link

A single digit joke:
- What did the swiss cheese say to Jesus?
- I'm holy just like you.

In the last couple of years:
- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.
- Virgin?
- No, GNER

Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:49 (sixteen years ago) link

I find my halfassed joke about their name being 'And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Jizz' pretty funny, which it isn't really

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:51 (sixteen years ago) link

they're called Placebo

the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:55 (sixteen years ago) link

Amber (4 at the time)
"Dad, you know a dog that rounds up sheep is a sheepdog?"
"Yeah?"
"and a dog that helps blind people is a guide dog?"
"Mmm Hmm?"
"Well, if there was a dog that rounded up other dogs, would that be a dogdog?" (starts laffing at her own...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:59 (sixteen years ago) link

That's pretty clever! We have a dogdog

Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:01 (sixteen years ago) link

When I had a single-digit age I came up with "why did Jesus keep falling apart? Because he was holy." My mother told me off severely for being blasphemous.

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:02 (sixteen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question.

CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:04 (sixteen years ago) link

Amber again, her first christmas she'd be old enough to understand (getting presents at least...) age two I guess..
"I know a song about Jesus"
"OK go on..."
"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"
(puzzled look from me...)

mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:05 (sixteen years ago) link

I made up a joke when I was about 8 where the punchline was "an elephantom". I'll leave it up to you, Jeopardy-stylee, to work out the question

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:06 (sixteen years ago) link

What did James Brown say when he had finished his dinner but wanted to keep some to eat later on, in case he got hungry?


Take it to the fridge.

hmmm, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:59 (sixteen years ago) link

I like this thread.

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:36 (sixteen years ago) link

I posted this on the other joke thread, but didn't mention that it was my own:

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 5 March 2004 17:26 (sixteen years ago) link

two weeks pass...
What did the Civil Rights activists say when they got an invitation to a dinner party?

"We shall come over!"

The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (sixteen years ago) link

My favourite (own) joke:

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (sixteen years ago) link

Have I been in a coma?

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (sixteen years ago) link

That joke is not as funny to read, really. Actually, it's not really funny at all. Maybe Ally's face is just funny when he tells it.

kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (sixteen years ago) link

No, it's shit. But somehow....great.

Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (sixteen years ago) link

never admit the shit!!!!!!!

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (sixteen years ago) link

My brother made this one up when he was only just old enough to speak but it still cracks me up:

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.


One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (sixteen years ago) link

admit the shit.

RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (sixteen years ago) link

Man this thread rules. Ally's joke is awesome.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (sixteen years ago) link

My feher-in-law just sent me a great joke:

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (sixteen years ago) link

When my son was about 6 or 7, he made up the following:

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (sixteen years ago) link

four years pass...

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (twelve years ago) link

one year passes...

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (ten years ago) link

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (ten years ago) link

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (ten years ago) link

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (ten years ago) link

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (ten years ago) link

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (ten years ago) link

five months pass...

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (ten years ago) link

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (ten years ago) link

your mom

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (ten years ago) link

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (ten years ago) link

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (ten years ago) link

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (ten years ago) link

two months pass...

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they dragon.

RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (ten years ago) link

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (ten years ago) link

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (ten years ago) link

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (ten years ago) link

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (ten years ago) link

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (ten years ago) link

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (ten years ago) link

What does a buck say to his wife when he comes down for breakfast?

"Morning, deer"

Hideous Lump, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:23 (eleven months ago) link

step it up guys

The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Saturday, 5 October 2019 17:06 (eleven months ago) link

Let me tell you something, pal, I know a thing or two about baseball. There are bats, and the players wear clown wigs.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 16 October 2019 19:37 (eleven months ago) link

my pet doe, francine, got terribly sick after eating nothing but cured meats for seven months. the vet said it was vitally important that i feed her oats and grain instead. the problem is she has become so used to her meat diet that she refuses to eat anything else, no matter how many times I tell her “frankie, my deer, I won’t give a ham"

devvvine, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 19:25 (eleven months ago) link

"Can you explain this lengthy gap in your CV?"
"Yes. That's when I was carrying you."

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:49 (eleven months ago) link

lol

☮ (peace, man), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (eleven months ago) link

loooool

jmm, Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (eleven months ago) link

wow

that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Monday, 28 October 2019 00:16 (eleven months ago) link

hee

kinder, Monday, 28 October 2019 15:11 (eleven months ago) link

Brilliant!

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 28 October 2019 15:47 (eleven months ago) link

two weeks pass...

I invented a new format of joke:

What do you call it when you steal something from a store?
Shoplifting.
And what do you call it when you’re in the market for an elevator?
Liftshopping.

What do you call it when you abduct somebody?
Kidnapping.
And what do you call it when you are only pretending to sleep?
Napkidding.

ah the inverted "what's the difference between...?"

deems of internment (darraghmac), Friday, 15 November 2019 21:30 (ten months ago) link

‪“So babe what you in the mood for tonight”‬
‪“You know the singer Lana Del Rey”‬
‪“Ya”‬
‪“You know what her name is backwards?”‬
‪“What”‬
‪“Yer Led Anal”‬

that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 28 November 2019 05:48 (ten months ago) link

three weeks pass...

It really annoys me that I have to carry around a large furry paw with a chitinous exoskeleton. It's a bit of a bugbear of mine.

never knowingly otm (Noel Emits), Monday, 23 December 2019 15:22 (nine months ago) link

What did the time traveler say to Mozart after returning from a hip-hop concert in the year 2010?

“Odd future, Wolfgang”

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Sunday, 29 December 2019 03:32 (nine months ago) link

one month passes...

What's Jean-Paul Sartre's least favourite Irish county?

Wiiicklow

Number None, Thursday, 13 February 2020 06:52 (seven months ago) link

My nephew's horrible at playing violin!

As soon as he starts practicing, I curl up into a fiddle position.

pplains, Friday, 14 February 2020 03:46 (seven months ago) link

marvelous

majority whip, majority nae nae (m bison), Friday, 14 February 2020 04:20 (seven months ago) link

Had to read that one out to myself in an American accent

Wuhan!! Got You All in Check (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Friday, 14 February 2020 09:13 (seven months ago) link

I wasn’t too impressed with the latest Keanu action flick; all in all, it’s just another wick in a brawl.

wee jim o’conor (wins), Friday, 14 February 2020 10:52 (seven months ago) link

Whoa!

☮️ (peace, man), Friday, 14 February 2020 12:01 (seven months ago) link

haaa

Suggest Banshee (Hadrian VIII), Friday, 14 February 2020 12:31 (seven months ago) link

I take my hat off to you

kinder, Friday, 14 February 2020 12:50 (seven months ago) link

Ha, and I had to read wins' in a Yankee accent too.

pplains, Friday, 14 February 2020 21:36 (seven months ago) link

Q: What did Elton John say when he put a ten cent piece on a railroad track?
A: I think it’s gonna be an oblong dime.

epistantophus, Sunday, 16 February 2020 14:47 (seven months ago) link

A+

o. nate, Tuesday, 18 February 2020 01:12 (seven months ago) link

Last three are all keepers

He’s the Listener DJ, I’m the Listener Rapper (James Redd and the Blecchs), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 01:31 (seven months ago) link

two months pass...

America is still using imperial measurements...but not furlong

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 25 May 2020 04:49 (four months ago) link

Q: What's a policeman's favorite fossil?

A: Coprolite!

peace, man, Wednesday, 27 May 2020 20:24 (four months ago) link

Folks, my wife is really not messing around this time. She just declared marital law.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 1 June 2020 04:42 (three months ago) link

peace man's joke works on two levels

Hackers (1995) (Will M.), Monday, 1 June 2020 14:50 (three months ago) link

With an emphasis on number two!

peace, man, Monday, 1 June 2020 14:58 (three months ago) link

If i ever need cheering up I think of the lead singer of Kajagoogoo.
Limahl?
No, lmao.

( X '____' )/ (zappi), Tuesday, 2 June 2020 03:09 (three months ago) link

As told to me, just now:

I thought of a new DJ name for you.
Ready?
DJ Fiona Apple Genius
You get it?
There are so many layers.
First: she's a genius, obviously
Also, "Apple Genius" hahaha
Then there's also a reference to Perfume Genius
And lastly
Read the acronym
It's perfect for you

flamboyant goon tie included, Thursday, 4 June 2020 03:24 (three months ago) link

1. What is an astronaut’s favorite food?
Dog shit.

2. Why did the astronaut see a piece of dog shit on the ground, and then pick it up and eat it?
Because astronauts lack anything that could be described as class, taste, or sense.

3. Why will no one kiss an astronaut?
Because their faces are ugly and their bodies emit a foul odor at all times.

4. Why does everyone think astronauts are intelligent?
Because the Federal Government has socially engineered us to believe it, despite the fact that it is not true.

5. Why, in January 1986, did the Space Shuttle Challenger violently disintegrate moments prior to exiting our Earth’s atmosphere, resulting in the death of all seven crew members on board?
Because astronauts are inept.

6. Why, in February 2003, did the Space Shuttle Columbia violently disintegrate upon reentry to our Earth’s atmosphere, resulting in the death of all seven crew members on board?
Because astronauts are too ignorant to learn from their mistakes.

7. Why, in February 2007, did NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak drive 900 miles from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida while wearing a diaper and carrying a box of latex gloves, a black wig, a BB gun, a can of pepper spray, a hooded trench coat, a two-pound drilling hammer, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags, $585 in cash, and an eight-inch folding knife, all with the intention of confronting and assaulting Air Force commander Colleen Shipman regarding her suspected romance with Nowak’s ex-boyfriend and fellow NASA astronaut William Oefelein?
Because astronauts are emotionally unstable.

8. On Halloween evening, what type of treat does an astronaut prefer to distribute to trick-or-treaters?
Probably disgusting raisins, instead of actual candy.

9. Why was the astronaut so excited to find a decaying animal on the side of the road that he stopped to pick it up and play with it while making idiotic vocalizations and even going so far as to put parts of the rotting animal’s corpse in his mouth?
Because astronauts have the intellect of a child and are incapable of making rational decisions or demonstrating socially-appropriate behavior.

10. Why was the astronaut unable to do one single push-up, even while balanced on their knees (aka woman’s push-ups)?
Because astronauts are physically weak.

11. Why does the nation of Costa Rica not have a space program?
Because Costa Ricans are reasonable people, and so their government prefers to spend its taxpayer’s money on more practical endeavors such as infrastructure projects, which provide economy-strengthening benefits, unlike frivolous expenditures such as outer space exploration.

12. Why is dehydrated food so popular with astronauts?
Because they are dumb.

13. What is the astronaut’s favorite movie?
Toy Story, which is a simple child’s movie.

14. Why is it that when an astronaut and their extended family sit down for a traditional meal together on Thanksgiving Day, that the predominant mood of the gathering may undoubtedly be characterized as a silently expressed but nevertheless entirely perceptible feeling of anxiety, contempt, and discomfort?
Because the personality of an astronaut is inherently unlovable, and so their presence during the customary holiday festivities automatically creates an irreparable emotional rift within the group that is psychologically traumatizing to all other family members unfortunate enough to be seated near them during the meal.

15. Why, in July of 1969, did astronaut Edwin Eugene “Buzz” Aldrin Jr. walk on the moon?
Because he thought he might find some dog shit there that he could eat.

16. Why, in September of 2002, did astronaut Edwin Eugene “Buzz” Aldrin Jr. punch a journalist in the face?
Because astronauts possess an unstable temperament frequently manifested through unprovoked violent outbursts.

17. How, as of May of 2020, is 90-year-old astronaut Edwin Eugene “Buzz” Aldrin Jr. still alive?
Because he is determined to find and eat all of the dog shit on the planet Earth before he dies.

18. Why does the Federal Government continue to fund space exploration programs, including exorbitant salaries, benefits packages, and retirement plans for astronauts?
Because the Federal Government does not respect the financial interests of the average non-astronaut American.

19. Why, when visiting the zoo, did the astronaut attempt to have sexual intercourse with each and every animal it encountered?
Because astronauts are sexually perverted.

20. Why did the Queen of England immediately vomit upon first meeting an astronaut?
Because the natural stench produced by the astronaut’s body was overwhelmingly nauseating to the Queen.

21. Why is taking out the trash an astronaut’s favorite household chore?
Because astronauts are trashy people, and therefore they relate to trash on a personal level and genuinely enjoy spending time near it.

22. Why, in June of 1963, did USSR cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova become the first woman in space?
Because no man on Earth would marry her on account of the fact that she, like all astronauts, was physically unattractive.

23. Why, in June of 1983, did NASA astronaut Sally Ride become the first American woman in space?
Because like all astronauts, Sally Ride was petty and small-minded, and so she had become obsessively jealous of USSR cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova’s accomplishment twenty years prior. Also, no man would marry her on account of the fact that she was physically unattractive.

24. Why do astronauts prefer shoes with velcro straps instead of laces?
Because astronauts have difficulty with lace-style shoes on account of the fact that they do not possess the mental capacity for spatial reasoning that is necessary to tie shoelaces into a proper knot.

25. Why did the astronaut set fire to the diploma they had received after completing a degree program at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University?
Because the degree was worthless, and the astronaut needed fuel for the bonfire they were using to stay warm while living in an abandoned industrial warehouse on the edge of town, because the astronaut’s life is pathetic and sad.

26. Why did congress raise taxes again?
Probably to increase funding for NASA so that astronauts can sit around jacking each other off while another formerly successful American manufacturing company goes out of business.

27. Why do astronauts feel superior to the American small business owner?
Because astronauts are so irresponsible and naive that they think playing around in outer space while wearing funny-looking suits and eating dog shit all day should be a higher priority than sustaining healthy economic growth through the creation of well-paying jobs that support our nation’s families.

28. Why do astronauts dream of travelling to the planet Mars?
Because astronauts are so dumb that they believe the planet Mars is literally composed entirely of the Mars brand candy bar, even though it is not.

29. Why did John Glenn put ketchup on his spaghetti?
Because like all astronauts, John Glenn was mentally retarded.

30. Why did the United Nations officially declare April 12th to be the International Day of Human Space Flight?
Probably because Idiotic Moron Day was already taken.

31. Why, as a young man, did USSR cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin dream of escaping the confines of Earth by voyaging deep into the uncharted voids of outer space?
Because his breath was so bad that no one on Earth wanted him around.

32. How many seasons of Lost (television series on the ABC network from 2004-2010) did the astronaut watch?
The astronaut attempted to watch a few episodes from the first season, but due to the astronaut’s low intelligence level, he had difficulty comprehending the program’s complicated plotline, and subsequently lost interest.

33. In 1969, what did astronaut Neil Armstrong mean when he said, “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
Nobody knows, because Neil Armstrong was a rambling, absent-minded moron.

34. In 1970, what did astronaut John “Jack” Swigert mean when he said, “Houston, we have a problem?”
He meant that the crew of the Apollo 13 had accidentally eaten too many cans of refried beans and was suddenly overwhelmed with a painful urge to fart but was too stupid to remember how.

35. In 1996, what legal crime drama did Kevin Bacon, who the year before had starred as John “Jack” Swigert in the popular motion picture “Apollo 13,” star in?
Sleepers, directed by Barry Levinson, and co-starring Brad Pitt, Robert De Niro, and Dustin Hoffman.

36. Why are astronauts never thirsty?
Because they are constantly drinking their own piss.

37. Why was there no air filter installed on the cabin of the command module of the Apollo 11 spacecraft?
Because Neil Armstrong and Edwin Eugene “Buzz” Aldrin Jr. enjoyed smelling each other’s farts.

38. Why did the astronaut lie to his or her mother?
Because astronauts are unconscionably selfish people, and the only thing they enjoy more than making false statements is intentionally hurting the feelings of the few people in this world that actually care about them.

39. Why did the astronaut follow Kylie Jenner on Instagram?
Because astronauts are basic.

40. Why do astronauts enjoy listening to AM talk radio?
Because the sound of human voices being emitted from a speaker fascinates the simple-minded astronaut.

41. Why, in December 2015 was Eric Kretz, drummer of the Grammy award winning alternative rock group The Stone Temple Pilots, sad upon receiving the news that the group’s singer, rocker Scott Weiland, had died of a drug overdose?
Because Eric was disappointed that an astronaut had not died instead.

42. Why do astronauts prefer Yahoo! Mail to Google Mail (aka Gmail) for their personal email address?
Because they simply think that “yahoo” is more fun-sounding than “gmail.”

43. Why did the astronaut have eight children?
Because astronauts are incapable of practicing self-control, which leads them to act impulsively upon their sexual urges without the slightest regard for the potential consequences of their inability to support such a large number of children – children who, no doubt, will become John Q. Taxpayer’s financial burden to bear.

44. Why did the astronaut join NASA and not the United States Navy?
Because astronauts are cowards.

45. Why aren’t astronauts interested in safeguarding our nation against illegal immigrants?
Because astronauts would prefer to dream about befriending imaginary space aliens instead of defending our nation from the threat of real aliens (who, by the way, are far more likely to ruin our economy and/or commit violence).

46. Why is Arby’s Beef ‘n Cheddar sandwich not as popular with astronauts as Arby’s regular roast beef sandwich?
Because astronauts are so stupid that they don’t even know that the layer of melted cheddar cheese that is added to the roast beef, in addition to the griddled onion bits placed on top of the bun, make Arby’s Beef ‘n Cheddar sandwich vastly superior to Arby’s regular roast beef sandwich.

47. Why don’t astronauts ever order the jamocha shake when dining at Arby’s, even though it is a delicious treat?
Because the cowardly astronaut is afraid that the shake machine might make a loud noise, even though it is commonly understood that a shake machine does not operate at an unreasonably loud volume and would likely not cause physical harm to a customer even if it did.

48. Why do astronauts insist on ordering regular french fries from Arby’s, when the Arby’s menu offers vastly superior seasoned curly fries for just thirty cents more?
Because astronauts are cheap.

49. What is the maximum g-force that an astronaut can sustain prior to loss of vision, loss of consciousness, or death?
It depends how much partially-digested dog shit the astronaut has in their stomach at any given time.

50. Why did NASA establish a $19 billion spending budget for Fiscal Year 2018?
Because astronauts are wasteful, ignorant bureaucrats who believe that money grows on trees.

51. Why does the Mars rover Curiosity (cost: $2.5 billion) have a pathetic top speed of 0.01 miles per hour, whereas my Dodge Durango (cost: $30,000) has a much more impressive top speed of 142 miles per hour?
Because the engineers at Dodge are much smarter and work much harder than any astronaut engineer at NASA, even while being paid much less.

52. Why did NASA astronauts decide to name their Mars rover “Curiosity”?
Probably because they were curious about having sex with a dog.

53. What is it exactly about the flavor of dog shit that astronauts just can’t seem to get enough of?
Scientists have determined that the reason astronauts go absolutely crazy for the flavor of fresh dog shit is most likely a combination of two key psychological factors: (1) insanity from the deeply-rooted trauma of their fathers all having sexually abused them, and (2) their innate dumbness.

54. Why do astronauts enjoy the phenomenon known as “zero gravity” that occurs during space flights?
Because during “zero gravity” conditions, all the bits of old dried-up dog shit that had been lodged within cracks and crevices on the spacecraft floor begin to dislodge and float around inside the cabin, making it easy and fun for the astronaut to weightlessly consume the dog shit particles that are so tasty to them.

55. Why do astronauts file their taxes using a tax preparation software program such as TurboTax® instead of hiring a Certified Public Accountant?
Because astronauts want to take jobs away from hard-working skilled Americans and give their money to the shadowy Chinese mafia.

56. Why do astronauts prefer Newman’s Own brand salad dressing to Albertson’s brand salad dressing, even though Albertson’s brand salad dressing is much more affordably priced, yet every bit as zesty as Newman’s Own?
Because astronauts are elitists.

57. How many astronauts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but NASA will spend millions of taxpayer dollars training him to do it, when a lightbulb replacement specialist from the private sector could replace one hundred lightbulbs in half the time for a fraction of the cost.

58. Why, during his June 1961 Vienna summit meeting with Soviet Premier Nikita Krushchev, did John F. Kennedy suggest that the United States and the Soviet Union should form a collaborative partnership for a proposed lunar landing effort?
Because John F. Kennedy was a man of weak character who kowtowed to communists, and he deserved his untimely fate.

59. Why did Mark Kelly, the astronaut husband of former Arizona congresswoman and assassination attempt survivor Gabrielle Giffords, attend the memorial service for the other six individuals who were killed during his wife’s assassination attempt, even going so far as to hug President Barack Hussein Obama at the end of the service?
Because like all astronauts, Mark Kelly uses senseless tragedies for disgusting political opportunism.

60. Why did President Hussein Obama posthumously award the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Sally Ride after she passed away in 2013?
Because prior to her death, Hussein Obama had been too busy singing anti-American hymnals with his church’s so-called “Christian” pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

61. Why did Ellen Ochoa, the first Hispanic woman in space, consume a turkey sandwich, an apple, and a watermelon flavored Capri Sun soft drink pouch for her first-ever zero-gravity space lunch as an STS-56 crew member on board Space Shuttle Discovery in April of 1993?
Because NASA food scientists had not yet created dehydrated tacos.

62. Why did Guion Bluford, the first African-American in space, attend Penn State University?
Because he is a pedophile.

63. Why, for his first mission as a crew member aboard Space Shuttle voyage STS-8 in 1983, did NASA task Guion Bluford with assistance in deploying the Indian National Satellite (INSAT-1B), testing the Shuttle Remote Manipulator System (SRMS), conducting experiments on live cell samples with the Continuous Flow Electrophoresis System (CFES), and taking medical measurements to understand the biophysiological effects of space flight on human beings?
Because they needed to keep him busy so that he did not have to time to molest children.

64. Why did President Donald J. Trump appoint Air Force General John W. "Jay" Raymond as the first Chief of Space Operations for the brand new United States Space Force military branch?
Because President Trump and General Raymond are both tough, intelligent, principled conservatives who have what it takes to make important decisions whether they need to be made here on Earth during peacetime, or deep in space during wartime.

65. Why did the astronaut inject toothpaste into his own urethra?
Because the astronaut was exploring his body and wished to know what sensations it might cause.

66. Why do some people say the moon is made of cheese?
Because the only people boring enough to care about what it’s really made of are astronauts.

67. What did the astronaut do when he found out that some people say the moon is made of cheese?
He forced congress to spend millions of dollars training him so that he could take a fun billion-dollar trip to the moon where he could unload all his cool expensive sampling equipment on the lunar surface and then spend several days crawling around on his knees in the moon dirt giggling like a child while scooping it all up using thousand-dollar titanium scoops and spending hours meticulously organizing it into little baggies and labeling them all using special hundred-dollar chrome-plated pens that can write upside-down and then eventually climb back into the rocket ship and fly back home to his trillion-dollar lab where he can sit around leisurely sipping espresso and running fancy scientific analysis tests on the moon samples in order to finally determine, many budget-draining years later, that moon rocks are actually made of the exact same rock chemicals that we have here on Earth, as if anyone didn’t already know that, and as if anyone actually cared in the first place.

68. What did the astronaut say when they found out that the moon is not really made of cheese?
The astronaut remarked that he was sad that the moon was not really made of cheese because he was looking forward to cutting the cheese, and then laughed at an obnoxiously loud volume for an obnoxiously loud time before clarifying that he meant he was looking forward to farting.

69. Why is Justin Bieber not allowed in outer space?
Because the male astronauts there will immediately abandon their duties to try and have sex with him, but the woman astronauts will probably not because all woman astronauts are lesbians and are therefore not sexually attracted to Justin Bieber like how normal women are.

70. What did the astronaut do when he was out walking his dog and saw the dog begin to squat on the grass and have a bowel movement?
The astronaut immediately knelt down next to the dog’s rear end and cupped his hands beneath the dog’s anus so that he could collect and eat the fresh dog shit that was being produced.

71. What did the astronaut say upon biting into the fresh dog shit he had just obtained directly from the dog’s anus?
The astronaut was heard to remark, “mmm, I love the delicious taste of fresh dog shit.”

72. What did Jaleel White, the famous actor who from 1989-1998 portrayed nerdy teen Steve Urkel on the hit TV series Family Matters, say when asked about his opinion of astronauts by Access Hollywood correspondent Maria Menounos in a 2006 interview?
Mr. White opined that astronauts are “brilliant scientists and hardworking people, truly some of the greatest American heroes of the modern era.”

73. Why does the International Space Station (ISS) contain fourteen pressurized modules, an expandable activity module, an international docking adapter, various unpressurized elements such as the Integrated Truss Structure (ITS), four Express Logistics Carriers (ELCs), multiple Orbital Replacement Units (ORUs), and a Solid Fuel Oxygen Generation (SFOG) canister in addition to six robotic arms, three external stowage platforms, several double-sided solar arrays, and countless pumps, antennas, storage tanks, cargo cranes, and battery units?
Because those clowns in congress decided it was a better idea to spend money on these things than give tax breaks to struggling small businesses on Earth.

74. What sorts of homosexual activities do the male astronauts on board the International Space Station (ISS) regularly participate in?
Mostly handjobs and blowjobs, but also occasionally analingus and/or full-on anal intercourse.

75. What sorts of homosexual activities do the female astronauts on board the International Space Station (ISS) regularly participate in?
Cunnilingus, analingus, strap-on dildo play, and of course scissoring.

76. What sorts of heterosexual activities do the astronauts on board the International Space Station (ISS) regularly participate in?
There are no heterosexual activities occurring on the International Space Station (ISS).

77. Why did the astronaut knock an elderly woman to the ground?
Because he saw a colorful balloon that he very much wanted to hold, and she was standing in the way of it.

78. With three NFL franchises currently located within the state of Florida (the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the Miami Dolphins), how do astronauts working at the NASA Kennedy Space Center in Brevard County know which team to root for?
Astronauts prefer to watch soccer instead of real football.

79. Why, during the 2013 Soyuz TMA-11M expedition to the International Space Station (ISS) did the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) allow astronaut Koichi Wakata to bring with him Kirobo, a custom-made humanoid robot companion developed for JAXA in conjunction with robotics engineers from the University of Tokyo?
Because Koichi had programmed Kirobo to jack him off, and he knew the Russian and American astronauts on board the International Space Station would also enjoy being jacked off by Kirobo.

80. What is an astronaut’s favorite Steve Miller Band (SMB) song?
One would think it would be “Fly Like an Eagle” due to the song’s obvious lyrical connections to space flight. However, owing to their abject cluelessness and tastelessness, an astronaut would likely choose a lesser-known and objectively worse SMB single such as “Cool Magic” from their poorly-received 1982 album Abracadabra.

81. Why did technology entrepreneur Elon Musk create the private aerospace manufacturing and space transportation services company SpaceX, with hopes of eventually enabling the colonization of planet Mars?
Because Elon Musk is a goofy-brained marijuana addict born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and he has nothing better to do than waste his father’s money.

82. In the Bible’s book of Genesis, where it is written that God created the Heavens and the Earth, and the Earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters, and God said, “Let there be Light,” and there was Light, and God saw that the Light was good, what did God forget to mention?
God forgot to mention that he intended to eventually create a bunch of annoying astronauts that would constantly fly around his awesome Heavens while hauling around a bunch of ugly scientific equipment and obsessively analyzing his beautiful creations even though it is quite obvious that we mere mortals cannot even begin to understand it.

83. Why did the astronaut cry when he found out his favorite McDonalds restaurant was closed and he had no choice but to visit a nearby Burger King restaurant instead?
Because the Burger King restaurant did not have the colorful ball pit and friendly clown imagery that so delights the astronaut.

84. Was the astronaut interested to learn that the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) recently launched a new online assistant designed to help small businesses easily determine the right amount of federal income tax to withhold from their employees' pay?
No, because astronauts prefer to remain completely ignorant about the complicated tax responsibilities of small businesses.

85. Why did Canadian Space Agency astronaut David Saint-Jacques earn advanced degrees in engineering, astrophysics, and medicine, develop fluency in five languages, secure a highly fecund wife of good social standing with whom he would produce three healthy children, all while training to obtain a commercial pilot’s license?
Because no amount of achievement will ever quench the thirst of David’s grotesquely bloated ego.

86. Why did the astronaut cower in fear?
Because he saw a common honeybee.

87. What do Kazakh astronauts Viktor Patsayev, Salizhan Sharipov, Yuri Lonchakov, Aidyn Aimbetov, Vladimir Shatalov, and Aleksandr Viktorenko like to order when they sit down to have lunch together in the cafeteria of the Baikonur Cosmodrome facility in southern Kazakhstan?
Beshbarmak, which is a traditional Kazakh dish consisting primarily of boiled horse meat.

88. Why don’t Kazakh astronauts Viktor Patsayev, Salizhan Sharipov, Yuri Lonchakov, Aidyn Aimbetov, Vladimir Shatalov, and Aleksandr Viktorenko prefer eating dog shit to beshbarmak?
They are so stupid that that think beshbarmak tastes better.

89. Before working at NASA, why was the astronaut fired from his job at Wal-Mart?
Because a customer had asked the astronaut a simple question about whether or not the store had a popular brand of fishing tackle in stock and the astronaut was unable to assist the customer with their query, and also the astronaut’s personal hygiene was not in accordance with the standards expected of a Wal-Mart employee.

90. Why were astronauts saddened to learn of the assassination of communist sympathizing Catholic president John F. Kennedy in 1963?
Because they don’t know what really happened.

91. Why do some conspiracy theorists insist that the Apollo 11 moon landing was faked?
Because the two men who comprised the crew of the mission, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Eugene “Buzz” Aldrin Jr., are incompetent horse’s asses, and also gay.

92. Why does the United States Postal Service’s (USPS) Spirit of St. Louis postage stamp, which was printed in 1928 in honor of the historic airplane flight that American aviation hero Charles Lindbergh had accomplished the year before, sell for an average price of $12 each on eBay.com, whereas the First Moon Landing postage stamp printed by USPS in 2019 to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the overrated Apollo 11 mission retail for a pathetic 55 cents each?
Because the true worth of a product is always determined by its market value.

93. What are the astronaut’s five favorite beverages from the soda fountain machine at the Arby’s restaurant?
Mountain Berry Blast Powerade, Hi-C Flashin’ Fruit Punch, Orange Fanta, Mello Yello, and Minute Maid Lemonade.

94. Why did the astronaut throw a temper tantrum at the Arby’s restaurant?
Because it was the astronaut’s birthday and so the astronaut demanded to be served a fully-decorated chocolate birthday cake complete with 37 lit candles (one for each year of the astronaut’s life); however, Arby’s only serves potato cakes, and although they offered to prepare the astronaut a special potato cake featuring one lit candle inserted into the center of the cake and gather the entire staff together to sing the astronaut a special birthday song, this was extremely upsetting to the astronaut.

95. Did the astronaut think it was a good idea or a bad idea for Arby’s to bring back its fish sandwiches for a limited time only?
The astronaut thought this was a good idea.

96. Why did the astronaut cross the road without looking both ways?
Because the astronaut arrogantly assumed that any approaching vehicle would stop for them, but as it happens, it couldn’t, and it resulted in a gruesome head-on collision involving two fatalities: the astronaut, and the driver of the vehicle who was an elderly cancer survivor driving thirty miles to attend Sunday morning church service, and only had a quarter mile more to go.

97. Why did a 2019 study by the Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology conclude that although exposure to space radiation could temporarily hinder the formation of new memory cells in the brains of astronauts, it would not significantly affect their intellectual capabilities?
Because astronauts have no intellectual capabilities to affect.

98. Why did the astronaut decide to try sucking on an old dried-up dog turd instead of biting into a soft fresh dog turd as usual?
Because the astronaut thought it might be fun to try something new.

99. Why did the astronaut choose to invest his 401(k) into risky aggressive-growth funds instead of safe, conservative government bonds?
Because the astronaut’s dog shit rich diet had utterly corroded the part of the brain that permits an individual to make sound financial decisions.

100. Why, when gazing out the space shuttle window and looking down upon Earth, does the astronaut perceive outer space as an atmospheric vacuum of electromagnetic radiation filled with a low-density plasma of hydrogen and helium particles instead of what it really is: the infinite expanse of Heaven created as an eternal repository for the souls of mankind by an omnipotent, omnibenevolent and omniscient God?
Because modern society, with its lack of faith-based core values and its abundance of permissive liberal culture, has transformed the astronaut from a child, once born pure, into a cold and calculating atheist, blinded by science and its preoccupation with the physical realm, forsaken of the Lord, and doomed to live a meaningless life devoid of spiritual enlightenment.

101. Why did the astronaut drink his own diarrhea?
Because he thought it was chocolate milk.

the burrito that defined a generation, Thursday, 4 June 2020 03:26 (three months ago) link

so many questions

i will FP you and your entire family (rip van wanko), Thursday, 4 June 2020 04:55 (three months ago) link

(wait, I just made a joke, didn't I?)

i will FP you and your entire family (rip van wanko), Thursday, 4 June 2020 04:57 (three months ago) link

lol wtf

Ste, Thursday, 4 June 2020 09:23 (three months ago) link

I understand that someone hates astronauts for some reason, but must they also continue this ridiculous anti-raisin campaign?

Anti-Cop Ponceortium (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Thursday, 4 June 2020 09:39 (three months ago) link

I heard the entirety of this in Neil Hamburger's voice, replete with phlegm hacking

Yanni Xenakis (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 4 June 2020 13:07 (three months ago) link

someone put some time into that. yet it has no real value even as an absurdist or surrealist endeavor. I wanna meet this person

i will FP you and your entire family (rip van wanko), Thursday, 4 June 2020 13:19 (three months ago) link

this person is a true nihilist

i will FP you and your entire family (rip van wanko), Thursday, 4 June 2020 13:20 (three months ago) link

Why is there a high risk of catching the rona on a pirate ship?

Cos the arrr rate is well high innit.

Noel Emits, Saturday, 6 June 2020 13:16 (three months ago) link

heheh

methinks dababy doth bop shit too much (m bison), Saturday, 6 June 2020 17:00 (three months ago) link

This is bad and weird but I haven’t been able to get it out of my head for months so here it goes

Me: what’s your favorite lou barlow song?
Person: ...
Me: mine’s Walk Like An Egyptian
Me: oh wait that’s the bengals

crystal-brained yogahead (map), Monday, 8 June 2020 04:47 (three months ago) link

one month passes...

So it’s Jim the guitarist’s birthday. Jim’s girlfriend comes home and says “I’ve got something really special for you.” He can’t wait. So she lifts up her skirt and pulls off her underwear and reveals a piece of sandwich bread wedges into her vagina.

“Um, babe, why is there a piece of bread in your vagina?” Jim asks.

She replies: “I thought you said you were a big fan of Rye Cooter!”

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Tuesday, 21 July 2020 04:35 (two months ago) link

man alive

pplains, Tuesday, 21 July 2020 12:28 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

A Duck Joke

Him: there’s a duck.

Me: ok there’s a duck.

Him: the duck isn’t a normal duck. He eats bread and fights with other ducks, but he can also, like, talk.

Me: the duck can talk?

Him: yes, and engage and conversation and wear clothes.

Me: oh, I know this duck. We dated for a while, but that was before I knew he was a duck.

my god, it's full of bugles (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 27 August 2020 05:29 (one month ago) link

I know a duck

WHAT DUCK?

He's number one

NUMBER ONE?

muntjac wagner (Neanderthal), Thursday, 27 August 2020 05:36 (one month ago) link


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