A Delicate Dilemma

Message Bookmarked
Bookmark Removed
(This scenario is gender neutral, but I've inserted 'she' instead of the awful 's/he.')

So you've met a wonderful girl through a mutual friend, and agreed to have a date. The date is thoroughly delightful - dinner at a very nice Spanish restaurant, followed by drinks at a scrappy piano bar. She's just amazing: you have so much in common, she's smart and hilarious, and absolutely gorgeous. You think to yourself throughout the night: "Where has this girl been the last three years?"

She invites you back to her awesome loft apartment, where you finish off a bottle of zinfandel. It's getting late, she invites you to stay, and you do the deed. You normally wouldn't go this far on a first date, but everything feels so right. The sex is not perfect - it's your first time together - but it's warm and affectionate, and to prove it wasn't a drunken fluke, you do it again in the morning.

She kisses you and goes off to have a shower. You lay in the bed sipping coffee and feeling complete bliss. You can hear her singing in the shower. As you reach for the TV remote, you accidently crap the bed - you're naked, and there's shit all over your ass and legs and all over both sheets, and some on the duvet cover.

She's still in the shower... what do you do now?

andy, Friday, 6 February 2004 18:01 (fifteen years ago) link

I've seen this movie.

Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Friday, 6 February 2004 18:03 (fifteen years ago) link

Set yourself on fire.

TOMBOT, Friday, 6 February 2004 18:04 (fifteen years ago) link

Yeah, game over man.

ModJ (ModJ), Friday, 6 February 2004 18:06 (fifteen years ago) link

And while you're laying there covered in flaming shit, blame it on the media.

Begs2Differ, Friday, 6 February 2004 18:06 (fifteen years ago) link


Spud opens his eyes. With his fingers, he feels crusted liquid around his mouth.

Abruptly he turns around: the bed is soaked in vomit.

He looks under the cover and drops it again in revulsion.


Spud wipes the vomit from his chest with a pillowcase, which he dumps in the middle of the sheets before gathering the whole lot up as a bundle.


The door swings open to reveal the kitchen. Gail, her Father, and Mother are seated around the table, eating breakfast. They look towards Spud, who carries the knotted bundle of sheets as he approaches the table.

Good morning, Spud.

Morning, Gail. Morning, Mrs. Houston, Mr. Houston.

Morning, Spud. Sit down and have some breakfast.

Sorry about last night -

It's all right. I slept fine on the sofa.

I had a little too much to drink. I'm afraid I had a slight accident.

Oh, don't worry, these things happen. It does everyone good to cut loose once in a while.

This one could do with being tied up once in a while.

I'll put the sheets in the washing machine just now.

No, I'll wash them. I'll take them home and bring them back.

There's no need.

It's no problem.

No problem for me either.

Honestly, it's no problem.

I'd really rather take care of it myself.

Spud, they're my sheets.

She takes hold of the bundle.

Spud does not yield.

She pulls harder. Spud holds on. She tugs powerfully.

The bundle bursts open with an explosion of vomit and excrement that covers everything in the kitchen.

Only Spud remains untouched.


I guess this means I'll never get to have sex with Gail.

gygax! (gygax!), Friday, 6 February 2004 18:08 (fifteen years ago) link

Oh, man.

Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 6 February 2004 18:08 (fifteen years ago) link

Take off your mask to reveal that you were really Old Man Withers from the haunted amusement park the whole time.

nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 6 February 2004 18:08 (fifteen years ago) link

Well Andy, you got that far that fast so maybe see if she's into it.

Bryan (Bryan), Friday, 6 February 2004 18:09 (fifteen years ago) link

was it the chicken?

kephm, Friday, 6 February 2004 18:10 (fifteen years ago) link

Maybe the problem was that you were drinking Tim Horton's coffee. I've spontaneously shit myself drinking that stuff before.

Bryan (Bryan), Friday, 6 February 2004 18:12 (fifteen years ago) link

young grasshopper- if you were truely in da bliss you would of never reached for the remote!lesson # two

obiwan, Friday, 6 February 2004 18:17 (fifteen years ago) link

fifteen years pass...

ever get this sharted?

ɪmˈpəʊzɪŋ (darraghmac), Monday, 11 February 2019 02:05 (five months ago) link

one expects that, providing the whole scenario was real rather than fictitious, that the mere passage of fifteen years would provide some kind of a resolution, however unsatisfactory it may have been to the parties involved.

A is for (Aimless), Monday, 11 February 2019 02:23 (five months ago) link

revive of the year

macropuente (map), Monday, 11 February 2019 03:42 (five months ago) link

If I'm roughly the same age as Alyssa Milano, is it okay for me to think she's hot on old episodes of "Who's The Boss?" Granted, she was only like 12 at the time, but I was 12 as well.
― andy, Friday, January 2, 2004 9:42 AM (fifteen years ago) Bookmark

velko, Monday, 11 February 2019 05:49 (five months ago) link

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.