Thank you
― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Monday, 9 October 2017 22:04 (six years ago) link
best wishes James
― Week of Wonders (Ross), Tuesday, 10 October 2017 02:26 (six years ago) link
Am going back on old, original antidepressant. It wasn't great, but so much better than this. Just hope it doesn't take weeks to kick back in.
― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Wednesday, 11 October 2017 01:09 (six years ago) link
May your efforts be blessed with success.
― A is for (Aimless), Wednesday, 11 October 2017 02:50 (six years ago) link
Sending good vibes to James, and everybody itt
― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous), Wednesday, 11 October 2017 03:43 (six years ago) link
^^
J M is a great poster and every time i see him update this thread i hope it is with good news. hang in there man. i don't know why bad things happen to good people, but please just keep trying.
― Karl Malone, Wednesday, 11 October 2017 03:44 (six years ago) link
whenever i get suicidal these days it's because i'm just so tired of being human. does anybody really like this shit? i mean for real?
― bob lefse (rushomancy), Friday, 13 October 2017 22:34 (six years ago) link
not suicidal but more passively wondering that all the time. what is this for? i'm tired.
― assawoman bay (harbl), Friday, 13 October 2017 23:01 (six years ago) link
same. sometimes i try to list the things that keep me from doing it, in the midst of otherwise normal thoughts. i need to change the oil. it's past the mile marker and the light keeps going off. synthetic oil. not today. next week. i can't leave my partner alone. i need to buy an iphone holder for my car for navigation purposes. also i need to buy a cd for this cd player. i need to at least make an effort to get better. exhaust all the other options first. i am a roughly average driver. i am not as good at i driving as i once thought i was. when i used to think about it it would be in the midst of a terrible period of time, kind of the low point, and it would be intense. now it's something that just comes up in the middle of other things, more mild and passing, not dayrupturing like it used to be. maybe this is improvement?
― Karl Malone, Friday, 13 October 2017 23:17 (six years ago) link
It sort of seems like an improvement? But this whole thing is so exhausting. And boring to experience. It must be the most boring disease to suffer.
― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Friday, 13 October 2017 23:49 (six years ago) link
I hope that made sense. Not very. Articulate Atm
― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Friday, 13 October 2017 23:50 (six years ago) link
What I've learned is life is a ridiculous joke... laugh or die are the only options here, cuz there's no better alternative.
― carpet_kaiser, Saturday, 14 October 2017 00:21 (six years ago) link
I choose laugh, because non-existence is waiting for me no matter what sooner or later.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you...
― Week of Wonders (Ross), Saturday, 14 October 2017 01:38 (six years ago) link
Eh, I think we make too much of ourselves and our lives. It's just a bunch of myths and illusions, and many of them aren't even for our own good or benefit.
The pain of seeing real life versus the illusions, so much of that is the world taking advantage of us... a world that could care less about our pain in realizing the truth isn't anything like the fantasy.
― carpet_kaiser, Saturday, 14 October 2017 01:47 (six years ago) link
i tried wellbutrin one day, in addition to the zoloft i'm taking (which is working ok, still lots of yawning but w/e). it was ... not good. near full-on meltdown in the supermarket. i feel lucky i'm mostly functional these days. but echoing the passive thoughts of suicide... i would never do it, but i mean it makes sense all things considered.
― The times they are a changing, perhaps (map), Saturday, 14 October 2017 03:28 (six years ago) link
For what I suspect are multiple reasons, some of them obvious (finally finding anti-depressants that happened to work for me); others less obvious (paying lots of attention to my body and its desire for movement; making myself more available and open to my kids), others a mystery even to me, this past year has been the least depressive in my life that I can ever remember. I find myself in disbelief about it. I've grown so used to terror, dread, and self-hatred, that not to have these encroaching on my every thought is disorienting. I also know that I'm really always just a step sideways from the edge of the abyss. I don't expect this to last, so I try to savor the fresh air (that's what it feels like) while it does.
I feel guilty even to be posting this, because so many others itt are in the thick of it, and each of your posts breaks my heart a little.
Much love to all. Srsly.
― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous), Saturday, 14 October 2017 04:40 (six years ago) link
― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison)
otm. mental illness is one of the most boring things i can imagine. even beyond being insufferably whiny it's why i tend not to talk about it. "today i didn't get out of bed. the end." i spent five years doing nothing but watching reruns of '90s cop shows. they weren't even the worst years of my life - they were pretty good cop shows.
collardio, my philosophy is to never feel guilty about not being miserable (feel guilty enough about it and you can probably get to miserable pdq). people should enjoy whatever they have while they have it.
― bob lefse (rushomancy), Saturday, 14 October 2017 05:52 (six years ago) link
the catch-22 I've never been able to figure out is that I don't particularly care if I'm happy, which is certainly a sign that something is wrong, but I can't will myself to fix it, 'cause...I can't will myself to care.
― a serious and fascinating fartist (Simon H.), Saturday, 14 October 2017 06:04 (six years ago) link
in the realm of hungry ghosts is a decent enough read although one big caveat - there is a section when he talks about his addiction to buying classical music (from sikora's, a very well-stocked store which is a couple of blocks from where i am right now) which i can't help but find quite hilarious (obviously all addictive behaviours have common sources but i just find it a bit of a stretch)― -_- (jim in vancouver)
― -_- (jim in vancouver)
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Saturday, 14 October 2017 11:42 (six years ago) link
^ Madame Bovary in a nutshell
And yes, moi aussi.
― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous), Saturday, 14 October 2017 14:40 (six years ago) link
when he gets to the parts where he starts talking about his classical music addiction i started reading it looking for recommendations.
i understand he's trying to make it relatable, "we're not so different" etc etc, but the analogy doesn't quite fit. everybody has their own addictions and vices (if it wasn't for the ease and ubiquity of streaming i'd be in big trouble), but i don't know anybody who has a cocaine collection.
― bob lefse (rushomancy), Saturday, 14 October 2017 14:59 (six years ago) link
i spent five years doing nothing but watching reruns of '90s cop shows. they weren't even the worst years of my life - they were pretty good cop shows.
how many of us are there out there, I wonder
― mh, Saturday, 14 October 2017 16:02 (six years ago) link
i'm sitting here in a daze because an online quiz is asking me which of the seasons is my favorite and i keep thinking "i don't like any of the seasons"
― Karl Malone, Saturday, 14 October 2017 19:16 (six years ago) link
baseball season
― mookieproof, Saturday, 14 October 2017 19:22 (six years ago) link
otm
― Karl Malone, Saturday, 14 October 2017 19:25 (six years ago) link
3 weeks of a new job, feel happy when i'm at work and try my best to succeed. weekends are a nightmare, just resort to self-destructive and destabilizing behaviours. Feel guilty to be happier but it's not exactly a complete success these days
― Week of Wonders (Ross), Monday, 16 October 2017 02:20 (six years ago) link
I think the old medication is starting to kick in; feels as though the cancer of the soul is going into remission for now, thank fuck
― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:01 (six years ago) link
My own job situation has gotten a little weird. I was actually able to save this failing product the owner gave me ... now I'm making a shit ton of money for another product he put me on. Of course I'm not making any additional salary or commission.
Now the owner wants to "exchange ideas" with me tomorrow ... basically steal my shit because it's making him a boat load of cash, while I see none of it. This dude would have no problem throwing me out on the street once I tell him my little secrets.
What the hell do I do here? In my corporate jobs, I always become an enemy to the bureaucrats for what I'm able to do... because of who I am I'm always an enemy to people. Hated. Always hated or exploited. I downplay it, I become a human joke.
I'm probably going to jump off a bridge this weekend. In the United States, there's no place for a person like me. The only way I see me making it out of this is if I become a blood-thirsty, brutal scumbag willing to stomp my boot down on your throat, because I'm an orphan and lack the family capital necessary to survive in 2017 United States.
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:20 (six years ago) link
So, to survive in a strictly biological sense, I will crush your throats the best I can, because it's what you all want when you support everything that surrounds you. That's the only choice that's left to me here, and trust me, I've explored them all.
I think my ancestors made a deal with the devil centuries ago... I even look 15 years younger than I am. I know that's fantastical, but it makes more sense than anything else out there.
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:22 (six years ago) link
cut it out with the grandiose paranoid shit, just tell dude you want decent compensation for your work and figure out how to stop tying your perception of professional success to your mood swings
― mh, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:31 (six years ago) link
Yeah, but if it fails, then I could lose my job, become homeless, and get beaten to death on the streets. And that's a realistic possibility for me.
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:32 (six years ago) link
I'd prefer that not to happen, so I have to become a brutal scumbag. I wish I didn't have to take this course, but it's for my own survival in the United States. Ever wonder why things are like this here?
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:34 (six years ago) link
You don't have to be a brutal scumbag to make a living.
― Treeship, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:45 (six years ago) link
You know that's a lie treezy give it to em straight
― Gary Synaesthesia (darraghmac), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:49 (six years ago) link
carpet, not easy to say this man, but it can go down a dark path when paranoid delusions become reality, i know from experience and i would suggest getting help.
― Week of Wonders (Ross), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 01:49 (six years ago) link
These aren't paranoid delusions, this is experience from the business world. How is it a "paranoid delusion" to know you could be let go with no safety net to catch you? That's how things actually are!
Is it a "paranoid delusion" to see the Excel spreadsheets with my results, and the owner wanting to know how I did it? No. I'm not a moron. I grew up in a family filled with entrepreneurs. I'm not an idiot, man.
Instead of saying "it's paranoid delusions!" a better thing to say would be, "take care of yourself better in a harsh, unforgiving, brutal world."
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:00 (six years ago) link
How many throats would u see yourself brutally crushing this time around
― Gary Synaesthesia (darraghmac), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:03 (six years ago) link
Plenty. My life was way better, and people liked me way better, when I was called "Mr. Burns".
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:04 (six years ago) link
well, i'm not saying you're an idiot, carpet.
i was struck by seeing you say you've always been an enemy to people, like you vs. the bureucrats...dunno man, is this the case?
jobs suck and sometimes most of the co-workers suck, but i doubt you as a person are worthy of such disdain, and that's why it seems paranoid to me
i respect you as a person, man
― Week of Wonders (Ross), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:04 (six years ago) link
I don’t know how useful of a sounding board this thread can be for you, carpet k, at this point, because I don’t get the sense that you’re depressed or even dealing with “depression “, really . I’m not psychologist enough to know what you’re dealing with, but whatever it is it feels ‘above the pay grade’ of a group of internet depressives. You’re likely to get counter-productive advice, no matter how well -intentioned. Hell, this post could be ill-advised, for all I know. So: expect nothing from this thread; and get yourself some pro help, as Ross suggests, ASAP.
― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:09 (six years ago) link
Yeah, it is the case, I'm working way below my potential, and my potential meets a barrier of the ossified American class system. I just also happen to come from the classes higher up on that system, just kicked down because my own family were pricks.
Listen, if ya want to understand my situation, you have to throw out old frameworks and take it as a totally unique situation ... so I'm probably wasting my time detailing it here anonymously on a friggin' messageboard. I just got nothing right now, so I'm bah balhalbahing about it all.
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:09 (six years ago) link
Probably the case, collardio.
i admitted myself 7 years ago and have been on a recovering path since. have to make it clear i have nothing but hope for anyone itt
― Week of Wonders (Ross), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:10 (six years ago) link
Thank you for the kindness, though Ross, it is much appreciated
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:10 (six years ago) link
<3
― Week of Wonders (Ross), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:11 (six years ago) link
I mean, people in my family won Emmys, invented things we all use every day, things we see on TV everyday, it's not a surprise I can do the crazy shit I can, because it comes with the territory. I'm just way, way further down than I should be, and I have no idea what my place is in the world, cuz I'm alive when I should be dead.
No, this isn't the right board for me, and there are no therapists, methodologies, or answers for what I'm dealing with. I'm inhabiting a different dimension here, because I cheated my fate, and now I gotta figure it out on my own.
Note for all you lolzers, yeah, I should be dead right now. That's why I'm here making an ass out of myself, because fate had me in a grave at this point, and I escaped it. Now I don't know what the fuck to do.
― carpet_kaiser, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 02:19 (six years ago) link
“no one understands my shit” is second only to “my problems aren’t that bad, I should be able to deal with them on my own”in the hierarchy of excuses we tell ourselves for not getting help
― mh, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 03:10 (six years ago) link
I have no great advice for anyone here, can't even sort myself out really, but all i can offer is take care of yourself and don't become cruel
― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Wednesday, 18 October 2017 04:27 (six years ago) link
― mh, Wednesday, 18 October 2017 12:46 (six years ago) link