Depression and what it's really like

Excellent news, Ross

Congrats, Ross. It's good to get of a crisis.

I need to find a new job myself, pronto. I'm working with a bunch of predatory, psychopathic creeps. One dude threatened to beat and murder me, in a really terrifying, chilling way, and he lured me into that by being super charming and friendly (yup... that's how it goes). My co-worker who witnessed it is still freaked out by it ... and I was the target of it!

All that stuff I posted above about being raised as a murder victim, that shit is real. I don't know how I'll ever escape from this fate. If I don't find a new job fast, I am done for. Not even murdered, but homeless, because these people are fucked up creeps who I'm pretty sure hired me to fuck with me, because that's pretty much the only life I've ever known.

It sucks. It sucks that this had to be my fate in life ... I was robbed of everything. I haven't had an enjoyable day in my life, and every day has been pure torture filled with life-threatening danger. And there's no end in sight. My fate would've been better if I had died a long time ago.

And there's no help out there, that I can afford, at least. I have no idea how the hell I'm even going to find a new job fast, because I've been freelancing and contracting for about a year and a half, and I left my last job because it was a similar deal, just big corporate vs. small business, so that bridge is burned.

I'm pretty much fucked here. I put up a good fight, but I think I'm done for now. I can just see my family now laughing their asses off at this. And people like my family. There are sick fucks out there who get off on stuff like this.

It's strange to reflect on how utterly devoid of value and worth my life has. That's one of the harder parts of this all, realizing how society really is just totally cool with me just being tortured and murdered.

Definitely gives you a different perspective on life when you face stuff like that. Whatever. I get gutted, I end up eating out of the garbage, I find a new job. It all seems pretty surreal at this point anyway.

What I find laughably tragic is how easy it is to help me out of this life-threatening situation I'm in, considering I'm a motivated and relatively rational and self-aware person. But our social system simply does not provide that help.

Our society (US) is built around greed, selfishness, comfort, and profit. The easy help that could save my life is simply not a feature of this country. What a farce.

If this guy doesn't murder me, I'm probably just going to kill myself anyway, because this really is a dead-end for me. If anyone wonders why I'm so angry about the conditions in America, it's because it's cost me my life, when it was so ridiculously easy to help me. And the only thing that could ever help me was other people.

Eh whatever, my only other option is to become a mean, psychopathic dickhead. I've got to survive in the jungle of this fucked up country 100% alone, and I'll probably always be 100% alone.

Key problem here is people fucking hate my guts for who I am. I'm not saying this to blow my dick all over the place, but when I was 4 years old I took this national aptitude test. After that, I had to see a state psychologist in this metal van on school grounds who did all these tests on me for a few months.

After that everyone made a huge deal out of me and I started skipping grades. That was my first death sentence. And whatever that was, it keeps following me throughout my life, pissing people off, doing "impossible" things from marketing to law and beyond.

Just making it this far in my life is something impossible, I didn't even write about the worst shit I lived through growing up, and Sarahel said what I did write was way out there in her experience. The real bad stuff would make you throw your fucking guts up.

When people find out "what" I am, people want me dead. Because people have stupid, fragile egos and it's all about competition, greed, and domination in our culture. I didn't ask to be this. I just want a normal life like everyone else. I act like an idiot, I'm a target. I act like my real self, I'm a target. Fuck this world.

OK. I'm done with my drunken rants. Carry on...

the rug doctor has logged on

Carpet - you're not done my friend. Fuck Anyone who is trying to mess with you. You're good, neglect the deception voices that tell you you need to compete with others. Fuck Em whole heartedly. You're not an idiot, drop
That shit because it's not serving you. You're a good person. Ignore anything that tells you otherwise

I love you and I will fight for your life my friend

Thanks for the good words, Ross. There are good people out there who have cared about me, thanks for reminding me of that. I've just chosen to surround myself by god awful people, because that's what I grew up with.

Right now, today, immediately, I need to learn how to avoid danger, and get myself out of it, because I'm neck-deep in it currently. I have to somehow make NOW a turning point in my life.

Am changing medication, wish me luck

Upping the dose of my new one today. Good luck to all medsurfers itt

hope you're all well. i'm sad to say that i may have to stop talking to one of my best friends. I haven't been well lately and i'm just about to return to work, but he criticizes the way i live day in and day out. I already feel like a burden to him and everyone else, not sure why he has to make me feel bad for my struggles. I've seen counsellors etc. but i'm getting anxiety from the cruel stuff he's saying. sucks when it's your best friend.

Has he ever experienced mental illness himself? A lot of people just don't get, and refuse to try.

Things have evened out for me - no more massive mood swings. I tried going back on a small dose of Zoloft at my dr's urging but it felt terrible so I only took one dose. Now I just feel my normal level of misery and angst and resignation, i.e. No worse than while medicated.

Ross and Just1n3, my condolences, that's awful.

Am currently having SWOOSHING NOISES IN MY HEAD every time I move my eyeballs, plus exciting WAVES OF NUMBNESS IN MY FACE so really enjoying these new pills let me tell you

Dude :( that's fucking rough. Any idea how long the side effects will last?

up to 2 weeks, apparently

i feel like a functioning alcoholic of late. i don't know what it's like to be a functioning alcoholic, but my despair just seems like, i don't know, an indulgence, played out in endless lost weekends. anxiously anticipating the results of the stage iii ketamine trials. it's stupid to put one's hopes on drugs but i've got nothing else left to hope for, and i've taken all the other drugs.

i guess i can get by like this as long as i need to, though.

yea just1n3 - he has had some depression.

best wiehses to just1n3 and James at this time

rush - yeah there's a big part of addiction that's functional - a good book on the subject is "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate. I'm a functional addict, and it definitely does get you by while robbing a whole lot from your existence IMO. peace to ya man

do other people really have that much more, is what I’m saying

That's a good point. At my job I was bugged out I was going to get fired ... I'm actually getting new assignments now. The person who was fired was my co-worker.

She's 30 and her entire life she's been taken care of by her parents. Free to pursue all her dreams and whims. She has no idea how to work hard, and despite living in NYC for a decade, seems unaware of how the real world works. It's the hunger that teaches us the way of the world.

So yeah. It's funny to think even in my own crap life, I've found value, and those who've had the opposite lives, have found deficiencies.

Xps I'd be very interested to hear how the ketamine works for you. I've been looking into it - I'm with Kaiser and they're running trials but you have to have tried at least 4 different ADs from 3 different classes to get into the program. My husband's psych offers ketamine treatment but it's like $650 a pop, minimum of 6 sessions plus boosters so *shrugs*

"In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate.

This looks very interesting, but I'm afraid it could be a very... depressing read? :-/

I've bookmarked it as something I shd probably read but wd prefer to read something less close to home

i will definitely check out that hungry ghosts book. everything i read or listen to is depressing to me to the point of despair these days, so i'm not too concerned about it being a downer.

started it already - it's very well written

I'll take your word for it (same fear of too close for comfort)

LBI - will say regarding the book that reading about addiction sometimes makes me prone to substance abuse but I think it can also help explain those impulses. Though it's not an easy read

most things make me tempted to get drunk one way or another so

I only get drunk in company tho

and it's more in control than ever, but when I control it I can feel the steam hissing out everywhere else until

had a mental health assessment today, had referred myself because things have been accelerating downhill. most mornings lately when i get to work i have to spend a minute in the bathroom composing myself because i'm on the brink of tears, a consequence of the voice rattling round my head on the walk in. this morning i got locked into this "i hate myself i hate myself" mantra, didn't think i'd be able to hold it back. weirdly dealing face to face with my customers tends to snap me out of it for a little while.

have been referred back for CBT. have been unsure of the value of it, because i'm bad at disciplined self-management and i keep telling myself i don't know what the root of my fucking problem is. but i dunno, i had a good cry tonight just reviewing the list of my failures and mistreatments of friends and loved ones. not cathartic exactly but i think i see a part of what i need to work on.

:( hang in there. i think it's great that you were able to take those steps yourself, that's a good sign.

Yeah, really good work NV, referring yourself and trying to take it head on. Desiring change, 'wanting' to work on it, is absolutely key imo. Hugs.

best wishes NV, hope the referral brings you what you need (and not too long a waiting list)

in the realm of hungry ghosts is a decent enough read although one big caveat - there is a section when he talks about his addiction to buying classical music (from sikora's, a very well-stocked store which is a couple of blocks from where i am right now) which i can't help but find quite hilarious (obviously all addictive behaviours have common sources but i just find it a bit of a stretch)

obv the 2017 version is "compulsively buying digital releases on boomkat"

that's actually kind of interesting to know and makes me more inclined to seek out the book

obviously my inability to walk past a charity shop without buying a couple of £2 paperbacks I will probably never read (I have many others which I've bought over the years and mostly never read yet) isn't really an addiction in any meaningful intervention-requiring sense, but I def have a bundle of bad addictive/compulsive/impulsive habits that are probably all tied together

(so yes, seeking out the book doesn't mean I'll read it, obv, but maybe I should)

Love ya nv

I just got a promotion today, and got hit up by three internal recruiters for legit jobs. Oh man. Looks like the darkness is ending. Have to keep remembering I only ended up in the abyss because my piece of shit family tried murdering me again -- last time I'm going to let that happen!

<3 nv

i don't know how things are going with my therapist. i think she thinks i'm psychotic since i mentioned i was on atypical antipsychotics for a while. i've never been in a position to dump a therapist before, and don't know how long to give her before doing it.

good luck rushomancy <3

and NV

Yeesh, I hope it wasn't me talking about my whack ass life that helped make you paranoid ... I keep forgetting that what's normal to me isn't normal to other people. I'm probably going to keep this shit to myself from now on, now that I've finally figured it all out.

Your therapist should take your case as a whole, not just what medicine you were on since they're prescribed for a million off-label reasons.

There's an inherent power imbalance in mental health that I think is pretty dangerous, too...

obviously my inability to walk past a charity shop without buying a couple of £2 paperbacks I will probably never read (I have many others which I've bought over the years and mostly never read yet) isn't really an addiction in any meaningful intervention-requiring sense, but I def have a bundle of bad addictive/compulsive/impulsive habits that are probably all tied together

this ties to one of the more interesting things I spoke to my therapist about before I dumped him; his day job was working with addicts and it was his main interest, and he was talking about the difficulty of defining addiction and how much compulsive behaviour basically everyone exhibits which shares a lot of the same features as addicts but never really gets discussed or thought about in those terms unless it's deened unhealthy or w/e. i've definitely been pretty cynical about the things a lot of nominally healthy & fine ppl i know fill their lives with; exercise, religion, raising kids, working on yr career etc. fill an escapist function for lots of ppl, it's all that fearful running away from death and meaninglessness, and they all seem too hollow to invest a sense of self worth in

I feel much the same about that, but of course it depends on my mood.

thanks for kind thoughts everybody, have a kinda satisfying sense of trying to stay wise to my own brain's shenanigans, today at least

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhh Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

you alright James?

Arrrgh just am coming of one antidepressant, was given a second to reduce the withdrawl effects, and then transitioned onto a 3rd, am having constant nausea, shivering, pain, plus sudden attacks of despair. Want to just shrink away to nothing.

It sounds as if your doctors are determined to fix you up, even if it kills you. I wish to god I had something to say that could help, but the best I can do is to urge you to hang in there and tell your fucking doctors to stop torturing you.

i obviously don't know what's going on, but i enjoy your posts (and blog) and am envious/pissed at the fact that you've read damn near everything. anyway, best wishes