i didn't see that. maybe i did. i'm aware intrusive thoughts are fairly normal even with people who don't have depression, i've gone through periods in the past but not really like this. it's such a perfect mixture of morbid depression and death anxiety -- viewing death and being viewed in death in a way that is obviously death with no room for error (gore), the moment it's first seen, the confusion. it's really mostly anxiety, which is worse somehow.
― a commentary on self-absorbed youth culture in the social media age (zachlyon), Monday, 10 March 2014 04:38 (ten years ago) link
Yeah, that's kind of it. I think the really short version of that guy's first steps out of the compulsive thoughts is something like, this doesn't mean you want to harm your children. In fact, it means that hurting your children is THE ABSOLUTE WORST thing you can imagine, and I can't remember what happened after that.
― Orson Wellies (in orbit), Monday, 10 March 2014 04:40 (ten years ago) link
i've dealt with the intrusive thoughts thing, most recently when i was staying at my dad's 52nd floor apartment and couldn't sleep because i kept imagining what it would be like to fall from that height. it's the worst thing ever and i hope you are able to move past this zachlyon.
― Treeship, Monday, 10 March 2014 04:54 (ten years ago) link
io: haha. i know! i wish i knew what happens after that. to clarify, the thoughts are never me doing things, it's always just things happening without explanation. or things having already happened without explanation. opening a door and finding a body in a certain way etc. or general car crash anxiety which i've never had before. it is essentially the worst things my mind can think of right now (they're never regarding people i don't give a shit about). i need a doctor and i need pills, as i've known for a long time, but i won't be able to see him for a couple weeks and my insurance is going to run dry in a few months anyway sooooo. but it probably won't be this bad tomorrow, and talking about it tends to help (instead of thinking about the horrible things, i think about talking about the horrible things, at least for a few days)
thanks treezy
― a commentary on self-absorbed youth culture in the social media age (zachlyon), Monday, 10 March 2014 05:06 (ten years ago) link
brains are the fucking worst, but the pills make me slow at least
hey sunny, please check in so i know that you haven't butchered your family or anything. that would be a disappointing turn of events
― Nhex, Monday, 10 March 2014 07:04 (ten years ago) link
That's a really fucking stupid thing to say.
― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Monday, 10 March 2014 14:51 (ten years ago) link
I just restarted Zoloft after two years off. Last week when I was being treated for diverticulitis I seriously considered eating half a bottle of Oxycodone. I really need a therapist.
― bi-polar uncle (its OK-he's dead) (Phil D.), Monday, 10 March 2014 14:54 (ten years ago) link
I think diverticulitis is enough of an excuse for bad feelings!
― have a nice blood (mh), Monday, 10 March 2014 15:04 (ten years ago) link
yeesh. obviously i'm speaking out of camaraderie here
― Nhex, Monday, 10 March 2014 15:19 (ten years ago) link
It just seemed really insensitive and idk it just rubbed me the wrong way.
― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Monday, 10 March 2014 15:23 (ten years ago) link
Ugh. Life just fucking sucks, right?
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 19:50 (ten years ago) link
always
― Nhex, Monday, 17 March 2014 19:51 (ten years ago) link
I don't know that I'd go with "always", but 98% of the time. Happiness, though, is a bullshit lie that people make up when things always go their way.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 19:52 (ten years ago) link
Ease is a mite bit easier than happiness, but it requires some stretches of time when you aren't stressed out or buried under expectations, and those can be hard to come by.
― Aimless, Monday, 17 March 2014 20:00 (ten years ago) link
I suppose that makes sense, sort of. Stress, pressure, expectations have been my entire life for the past 14 months thanks to this ridiculous work project that is all-consuming. Add that in to having absolutely no social life and no friends, well, it's easy to believe that happiness is absolute bullshit.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 20:02 (ten years ago) link
I hope you're clocking crazy dollars, so someday you'll have your pile of fuck-you cash.
― Aimless, Monday, 17 March 2014 20:04 (ten years ago) link
Riiight. I'm an architect, so, basically no. I mean, I have my wife and son and I'm ever thankful for them, but I'm tired of not having any other outlet. It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with when my wife and son are visiting relatives or have other plans, instead of sitting home along all the time. But, whatever, I'm apparently a huge fucking freak or asshole or something since no one ever wants to hang out with me.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 20:08 (ten years ago) link
you just gotta say 'i'm an architect' with a different attitude
http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101107204132/himym/images/thumb/2/25/Ted_mosby_architect_-_ted_flirts.png/500px-Ted_mosby_architect_-_ted_flirts.png
― j., Monday, 17 March 2014 20:12 (ten years ago) link
Ted Moseby: role model for nobody
― Nhex, Monday, 17 March 2014 20:13 (ten years ago) link
Riiight. I'm an architect, so, basically no. I mean, I have my wife and son and I'm ever thankful for them, but I'm tired of not having any other outlet. It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with when my wife and son are visiting relatives or have other plans, instead of sitting home along all the time. But, whatever, I'm apparently a huge fucking freak or asshole or something since no one ever wants to hang out with me.― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, March 17, 2014
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, March 17, 2014
i think i understand this. really hope you feel better jon.
― Daniel, Esq 2, Monday, 17 March 2014 20:19 (ten years ago) link
Eh, doubt it. It just comes and goes in waves that are stronger. Sometimes I'm able to ignore the crushing depression, but I'm in a slow week after three insanely hellish weeks so its really hitting me hard now. It's been this way for years, don't see how it'll every change.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 20:21 (ten years ago) link
jfc I cannot shake this at all.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 21:34 (ten years ago) link
I'm in a slow week after three insanely hellish weeks so its really hitting me hard now.
I have felt this a lot - I think of it like an emotional hangover, you have exerted so much energy and adrenaline into fulfilling your professional obligations with the premise that "it will be over soon and things will be better" and then when the period of frenetic exertion is over, of course, things aren't magically better -- you are just left with yourself without all that work to distract you so you contemplate what's wrong with your life even more because that energy has to go somewhere ... maybe that's not what you're feeling at all
― sarahell, Monday, 17 March 2014 21:39 (ten years ago) link
No, actually I think that pretty much nails it, for the most part. I'm just surprised that I can't shake this at all.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 21:41 (ten years ago) link
Half of my income comes from income tax preparation, so I am in the "insanely hellish weeks" portion of this right now
― sarahell, Monday, 17 March 2014 21:42 (ten years ago) link
idk if you've tried this and god knows this is advice that's been given before i'm sure but when i'm feeling blue i like to go out at the crack of dawn for a solid 90 minute hike or 45 minute run, for me at least it gets things moving again and the hellos and smiles i get from folks (bc everyone at that time is in a good mood for some reason) tend to brighten me up a bit.
― christmas candy bar (al leong), Monday, 17 March 2014 21:43 (ten years ago) link
I just make an effort to have realistic expectations about "the slow times" and to take steps so that they won't be as bad, like make plans to do a handful of things in the upcoming months that I can look forward to -- whether it's with friends or just things for me that i haven't had time to do for the last month or so when i've been slammed with work
― sarahell, Monday, 17 March 2014 21:46 (ten years ago) link
The "plans" thing is what's got me down today. I don't have any and won't have any. I have no friends, so it's just sitting alone time. I was looking forward to this craft beer event next month, but I was shut out of getting tickets. So no, nothing at all ever to look forward to, socially.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 21:51 (ten years ago) link
i know we've discussed this before a year or so ago, so I'm not going to give "helpful" advice, because I'd probably just be rephrasing what I said back then -- so I just want to say "I'm sorry, I remember what that feels like and it sucks"
― sarahell, Monday, 17 March 2014 21:54 (ten years ago) link
Thanks. Not intended to fish with that. More just a statement of fact than anything else. I'm hoping if I can just eventually wrap my head around the fact that I'm a deeply, deeply unlikable person and that I will never have friends, maybe someday I'll be happy again.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 21:57 (ten years ago) link
I'm hoping if I can just eventually wrap my head around the fact that I'm a deeply, deeply unlikable person and that I will never have friends, maybe someday I'll be happy again.
you appear to have a good marriage, so there is at least one person who finds you likeable. And if one person does, then statistically it is likely that others would as well.
― sarahell, Monday, 17 March 2014 22:09 (ten years ago) link
One would think. But all evidence seems to indicate otherwise.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 17 March 2014 22:10 (ten years ago) link
man that is depression talking
― lord of the files (Crabbits), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 00:38 (ten years ago) link
Yeah, probably is. But it's also true. I'm scrolling through my Facebook "friends" and realized that only two people on my entire list, that I'm not related to, have made any attempt to contact me or even say "hi" in the past two years. I'm tired of reaching out and not hearing any responses.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 00:46 (ten years ago) link
I don't want to sound belligerent, but that is depression talking. That and maybe some flaky frenz which is just unavoidable ime, unless you have friends who are powerfully motivated by some activity like slot car racing or watching TV marathons not alone or getting fucked up on drugs. SOunds like your brain is trying nonstop to send the shitty message that you are bad and hated – so anything you experience will work as evidence for that message; very little as evidence against.
― lord of the files (Crabbits), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 01:07 (ten years ago) link
Is there anything that could get you out of the house for a bit? Change of scenery? Take that first step to NOT gazing into a self-loathing internetting abyss (game recognize game here)
― lord of the files (Crabbits), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 01:08 (ten years ago) link
Leave your phone behind btw if/when you do step out for a minute
also, if you convince yourself that it's not worth it to reach out anymore because none of your friends ever reach back, they really will stop reaching out. so don't stop.
― j., Tuesday, 18 March 2014 01:15 (ten years ago) link
If I had somewhere to go or someone to talk to, I would totally do that. Think I'll curl up into a ball and die instead.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 01:57 (ten years ago) link
ok no one is talking to you I am totally imaginary
this imaginary person cares about you
― lord of the files (Crabbits), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 02:06 (ten years ago) link
otoh if I were feeling emotionally warped that statement would exacerbate things
it's ok to have any feelings and I hope the darkness passes soon
― lord of the files (Crabbits), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 02:09 (ten years ago) link
I meant that as in more of an actual irl person that knows me and can help me through some shit.
― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 02:23 (ten years ago) link
give your wife a hug :)
― lord of the files (Crabbits), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 03:12 (ten years ago) link
it's definitely the depression talking bro
― Nhex, Tuesday, 18 March 2014 03:15 (ten years ago) link
Talk to a dude at a bar
― have a nice blood (mh), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 03:46 (ten years ago) link
I'm worried about sunny :/
― the Bronski Review (Trayce), Wednesday, 19 March 2014 01:43 (ten years ago) link
She posted on I Hate Apple thred today
― Myth or it didn't happen (Jon Lewis), Wednesday, 19 March 2014 01:49 (ten years ago) link
a little while back, I was so bad off and had to work so early, I just took off and walked around. I had an idea I could find an open breakfast place and coffee instead of sleeping. I never found a place to eat, but i did gradually run into joggers and dog walkers and walked through sprinklers and then sat on a bench until my co-workers showed up.
I was in a version of the real world for a while and I had a good day after I overcame the delirium.
― Zachary Taylor, Wednesday, 19 March 2014 02:21 (ten years ago) link
I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world. This is kind of a different feeling from the ones I had before. I've invested so much of my life in music and art but today I feel like it's all stupid and worthless compared to the problems humanity is facing. The good news is that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of April. I might end up cancelling that appointment and switching to a different one, though, because I found one that looks more promising/accommodating.
― coops all on coops tbh (crüt), Thursday, 20 March 2014 22:57 (ten years ago) link
I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world. that's weltschmerz! i know it well.
― we slowly invented brains (La Lechera), Thursday, 20 March 2014 23:08 (ten years ago) link