Depression and what it's really like

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There's a lot of talk on this board about depression. Everything is relative, of course. Antidepressants are panaceas with only 5% medical benefit. Most just feel low, or more accurately frightened and confused about what may or may not happen on this planet in months/weeks to come.

But depression.

Short, productive, alert periods punctuated by long bleak stretches of nothingness. Inability to communicate. Stay in bed. Long periods just sitting numbly, blankly, waiting for the tabula rasa to fill magically. Of course it never can. Can't speak, can't write, can't concentrate apart from endless agony induced by what has happened.

Discovering the true meaning of heartache - the ribs on the left side actually produce a dull stress-induced pain, right underneath the heart. It is literally broken.

Wondering how many more fucking days I can tolerate waking up, feeling this cold, pointless emptiness, thinking only "I could have gone last night. No need to have suffered through another of these hellish days."

(N.B.: for newcomers, read the "Marcello and Laura" set of threads on this board for the whole story. Brief summary: widowed almost seven weeks ago, imminently to become homeless)

Dora Carrington only lasted seven weeks after Strachey died.

No one left to be hurt by anything I do or don't do. Joke family keen that I let them know when I move so that they can have the coffee table.

Nothing more to say about music, certainly not on ILM. It's all been said/done/pastiched/analysed. Served its purpose.

Not sure if I have anything more to say about anything. Work continues; providing sole structure in my life at the moment.

House-hunting. What a joke. Like applying for a fucking job. Crap about "fitting in" and "selling yourself." I haven't got the energy or the will to do either. I just want it out of the way.

You try your best, get brief incandescent flashes, but are ultimately flattened by the complete fucking pointlessness of it all.

Mentally I can't cope with this for much longer. Nor physically.

I could have pressed the return key 30 times and just left a big blank space. That would have said it all equally well.

Depression, people. That's what it's like.

An effort even to type this.

Yeah but it's just post-bereavement grief Marcello. Everyone goes through it. You're not losing it. It's natural. Six months from now you'll

No I won't. I know me too well for that.

Self-pity man. Wallowing in it. There's a



Can anybody think of a reason why I should go on?

Not Dead Yet, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

depression for me was waking up and thinking "can i go please go back to sleep again?"

reason to go on living? to remember things, to be with others, to do the things that you need to do.

marianna, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

I'm very sorry you're feeling this way. I empathize. Around a year ago I was at my lowest depths with this disease and asked myself the same question you are every day: why bother? i can't give you an answer, everyone has to find it for themselves. But I can urge you to keep looking for it. Isn't that a reason in itself?

Get some help. Do you have a therapist or doctor you can go to? A good friend? Ask for help from someone. An excellent therapist who has really become more friend was the only person/thing in my life to keep me going at times. I'm eternally grateful to her. I hope you can find a similar life raft.

Remember above all else, no matter how unlikely it may seem now, you can live through this. One day you will feel better. Make that your goal, to see that day, and you have your reason to keep on going.

Samantha, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

No one can tell you why you should go on. It's up to you to decide why you should go on - anything anyone else says will come off as empty or cold or unfeeling or just not "sympathetic" to what you are feeling, no matter what the intention was.

I mean, listen, I am so not trying to be cold, but I've been there. I mean, good god, the night I met my fiance I went on a complete bender, and ended up sobbing on the floor trying to slash my wrists with the first knife I could find (thankfully for me now, a butter knife - I was really piss drunk. Those things do damage though, surprisingly). And there's really nothing anyone can say or tell you is good about your life that is going to stop you from feeling that way, that's the way depression is, real hardcore depression at least.

The only thing I can tell you is that it's too soon into it to judge. If you keep telling yourself hang on for another day over and over, you might eventually find for yourself your reason to keep going. You just have to take a deep breath and say, "One more day. I will pretend to be normal for just one more day". And then say that tomorrow. And the day after. So on and so forth.

This might not help you or save you or stop you from doing what you currently seem to believe is inevitable. But it might just stay you long enough to find your way out of what's going on in your head right now.

You might want to go seek some sort of help, be it professional or otherwise, but being as I always refused to, I am being hypocritical to suggest it. I do hope you can find the strength to ask someone for help though, because once you do it really DOES help.

Ally, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

"Can anybody think of a reason why I should go on?"

I'm not going to give a reason why you should go on Marcello, it'll be difficult to give a reason that you won't immediately dead-bat anyway. But, of course, you must go on and I can't think of a reason why you shouldn't.
But have you spoken a bereavement councellor at all? There are people who will understand and can help you. You have a family, have you spoken to them? It sounds trite but you aren't alone and you needen't feel alone. You just need some help Marcello, and no-one could blame you for how you feel but you must try to seek and accept help.
Thing's change. They always change.

DavidM, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Sure. Here's a damn good reason to go on:

There's all schools of thought about what happens when you die. There's all schools of thought about why there's "good" and "bad" in the world. Depressed people are usually fixated on "good", "bad" and "death", basically due to desires unfulfilled or seemingly unable to be fulfilled.

There's a bunch of people that believe a "perfect" God would somehow create a perfect entity that would turn "bad" (Satan) and convince people to doubt God's perfection (namely, by eating from the tree of good and evil), and, thereby causing this world of misery... Let's think about this for a second: perfect beings, according to this old lore, choose evil.

Why would that be?

Let's talk about reality, now, not old stories:
When everything is great, people still find much to complain about, sometimes more than people who lead miserable lives of poverty. This is because this is how the mind works. For instance, how long can you concentrate on one good thing and have it remain "good"? Everything's "goodness" and newness wears off because we live from moment to moment and it is impossible to freeze one moment of goodness in time, while continuing to move forward with our lives. Our minds label a thing as "good" or "bad" and has the tendency to move on, eager to label the next thing "good" or "bad". If you make a million dollars, you will quickly get used to the idea, rather than being fixated on how "good" it is to be rich, and you will start focusing on other desires. Whether the desire is for another million dollars or for finding someone who really "loves" you is not important. You follow your desires, and are neither fulfilled before you achieve your goals or after you achieve your goals.

Why is this?

Imagine that you attained perfection. How long would it last? Only for the moment. The rest of the time you would be trying to "freeze" this perfect moment in time forever, remembering how great it is to be perfect. But, it couldn't last and it wouldn't last. This is the way the universe works: everything is in flux.

So, then, imagine you kill yourself. Is that really the end to your misery? Science has many new ideas regarding creation of life, how the universe works, etc. One thing that sticks out is the fact that the universe has proven itself to be an intelligent system. Evolution occured, most likely, not out of chance, but by intelligent choice. The fact that the universe is nonlocal proves that everything is interconnected through some mysterious and invisible force (dark matter, perhaps?)

So, then, let's say you blow your head off. You are gone, in the mind of who you are. But, the greater intelligence of the universe still exists, and, in some way, you are part of it, you return to it. There really is no escape, except maybe from your minute perspective that currently resides in the shell of your head. Better to enjoy the individual perspective your body can provide while you have the opportunity. If you are striving to be happy, you will never be happy. You will always be striving to be happy. If you simply are happy in every moment, there is nothing to strive for... and that is the difference, as trite as it seems. Each shitty moment will pass, but it is only considered "shitty" if you choose to label it as such. So, let's say you're girlfriend dumped you... or you are ugly as sin... these are things you can dwell on or use as an opportunity to explore new things... like, dating or, if nobody finds you attractive in the least, there are many things that can fill the seeming void of companionship. After all, many people are dissatisfied with the companionship they aquire, even if they're get lots of it from lots of different people every week.

If nothing is interesting to you, seek out things you can identify with, like books on existentialism. It sounds like you are reeling from the futility of existence. But, existence is not futile. That's what it does. It just keeps existing... and there really is no escape from existence, there is only different perspectives about existence. Note: I am not suggesting you will be reincarnated, but whatever comes after death (and nobody really knows), one thing the universe shows us is that everything is the same and there is no "good" and "bad". There will always be suffering, change, etc. Be glad you are not living in worse circumstances, in the filth and ignorance of the dark ages, for instance.

Nude Spock, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh yeah, and I'd like to add that everyone is in the same boat. It just seems like other people are different, when, in reality, their experiences, attitudes and decisions have led them to be the people they are, for better or worse. Everyone pretty much starts out an innocent, ignorant little diaper-wearer and goes through a life-long process of having problems, one after another, that they deal with and learn from. People who fixate on the same problems day after day haven't learned to deal with or learn from these problems and it's usually due to an inability to accept the fact that they can't be who they want or get what they want, etc., rather than working toward goals and focusing on worthwhile emotions related to what you have or what you will have in the future... or just simply being happy that you see things your own way. I get lots of enjoyment out of realizing miserable, offensive people don't have the ability to see things like I do, rather than letting their misery rub off on me. I'm not happy they're miserable... or shallow or fake or ignorant... I'm happy I can identify their problems, rather than be concerned about what they think my "problem" is. For instance, why should it make any difference to me if some snooty bitch asks me if I shop at Walmart? Or if some bohemoth asks me if I'm a fag or somethin'? Or if some miserable fuck tells me I'm a complete moron? It doesn't matter.

Nude Spock, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

just one.

because death is for wussies.

okay, two.

because you'd be insulting laura.

(when alexis was taken from, suddenly, with no build up, just...alive, vibrant, calling me on her cell on the way to the airport at the beginning of the week and then...cold, in a box, made up by some ghoulish mary kay girl to recapture that flush she got when she was excited or turned on or laughing or angry or...alive...but that light had now gone felt as if nine years had been eradicated from my life...i spent months feeling as if i was being cotinually...raped...mentally...and...i cant count the number of times i stood in front of a mirror...and thought...very big had never seemed slip away...

what stopped me?

imagining me doing something so stupid and fucking have a fucking GIFT, have the years she better fill them...every minute...with as much LIFE as you can...cuz like a baby you're eating for two now...and even if i ever find someone to make me feel the...unfettered joy...that she brought...i'll still be living the rest of my life FOR her in so many ways.

so don't do it.


jess, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

That's a wonderful reply Jess. Marcello, I'm sorry for the inadequacy of my reply. It's based on my experience with depression but obviously your depression springs from an experience I haven't shared. Either way I think the ultimate advice is the same: find some help. It is worth it to keep going and you will find the strength in yourself again. Take care of yourself.

Samantha, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

i just wanted to point out that the above wasn't intended to be crass at all. it was all totally genuine and heartfelt. marcello, i don't know how many years you and laura shared together and frankly, it doesn't matter. i understanding (if i can't know how you feel) of what it's like to lose...your soulmate...since i know how i felt/feel...since it happened to me. but death begetting more death is just that, an insult. i know that you know this; i know. because, deep down, i knew it too. which is why i am typing this and not in my own box. why would i want to spread the feeling which had crippled my mind and shattered my heart to my own loved ones? you're...not going to feel better. for a long time. why should i lie? but...the pain does fade. the pain will fade. in time. slow, agonizing time. but fade nonetheless. i still wake up often having dreamed of her and weep like a child until morning. i still get caught up short in my daily activities when i recall just...her looks, her smell, the sound of her voice saying certain words... but i no longer long for death. and i feel like you'll eventually feel the same.

jess, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Jess, I was being sincere. I thought your reply and advice were very good.

Samantha, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

(whoops, samantha, i started posting that before i even saw your reply. no harm no foul.)

jess, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

During depressive episodes, the normal logical mind is "hijacked" by thoughts and emotions of negativity and hopelessness. The depressed person lives ina cloud of self delusion. Life is not without its beauty and triumph, and if you can't see that you are being blinded from it. Suicide is futile.

Mike Hanle y, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

My god jess, I wouldn't apologise. That sounded so sincere that I felt it all for myself to the point of being in tears, and still now choked up. The burden of the living - I know another story too, just two weeks ago my friend's young neice died just a few days before her fourth birthday. I have a photo of her here on the table, she looks so sweet, like any other little kid - not sick at all. My friend is absolutely heartbroken - but she's been so incredibly strong and graceful ever since it happened, that it's almost beautiful, if you take my meaning. As if she knows that the only way her neice can live on is if the people left behind remember her, not so slight a thing. Marcello, all I can add is that what jess said rings true. Try to be patient and brave - in a world so complex that the unthinkable can happen, there are a lot of other unknowns out there too. Stick around.

Kim, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

My sadness/despair/depression seems so little compared with yours. For a couple of hours on the weekend I was immobilised by the thought "There is no point" - due to the fact that I am single, no one loves me, no one visits me, no one rings me up, no one emails me. Except my dad (and he lives over the ocean). What have I achieved in 28 years? Nothing. My dad loved me from the day I was born - I have never progressed from that and he loves my mum more than he loves me anyhow, so I am not the most special person in the world to anyone. I have made no impact. I am meaningless. There is no point.

I still think there is not point but I'm not immobilised now. I can't tell you any reason to go on, just as I can't think of one for myself - except maybe hope and because it's easier to do nothing.

And by looking at the sky or touching a tree or digging in some dirt or lying on the grass, I am reminded that, even though there is no point, I might as well hang around and have momentary pleasurable experiences.

Shiatsu massage is one of those pleasureable experiences. Despite costing $50 and only lasting for an hour or so it may well be worth going on for.

toraneko, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

My own POV of course...

Go on, not because there's a point, but because eventually you'll learn to enjoy living again. I've never believed there's a point to life, but when you're not enjoying it either then it seems like you're just doing time.

I stopped wanting to do anything because no activity was enjoyable, so I had no inclination to do things. the inactivity was killing me and made it worse.

Regaining interest in things takes much healing time, but soon you become human again -- WANTING to do things. something I'd forgotten i ever did.

when you want to do something, and that thing is enjoyable, that's a feeling worth living for.

Alan Trewartha, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Koanshi = clinically depressed. I can't seem to get on with my life. I can't... Plus I feel like I will go insane through religious paranoia.

Kodanshi, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

The mere fact that you've posted this suggests that you want to. Everyone, no matter how far back in their mind positivity has been pushed, has that positivity. That's not saying it won't be a struggle to find it. But with time (and maybe help) things will get better. Things got better for me when I didn't think they would which only suggests it can happen to everyone.

Bill, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Nude, I'm really impressed with your stepping-outside-the-box observations... thank you. seriously.

Brian MacDonald, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (nineteen years ago) link

six years pass...

Want a hug so bad and the man won't be home for three hours. Fucking THESE DAYS. These fucking days.

Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:20 (thirteen years ago) link

::HUGZ:: come to ilx chatz is a happy fam

chaki, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:20 (thirteen years ago) link

i give abbott hug & will not stab her man tonight even tho i want to

deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:21 (thirteen years ago) link

yes! come to chatz abbott there's lotsa love there

Rubyredd, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:22 (thirteen years ago) link

This book has helped me a lot.

Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:22 (thirteen years ago) link


Aimless, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:23 (thirteen years ago) link

ILX thinks yr great, Abbs. Take that for whatever it's worth to you, you can totally pwn the next three hours.

Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:24 (thirteen years ago) link

I'd give him a call but like he needs to spend 15 minutes of work hearing me in choking sobs over the phone.

Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:25 (thirteen years ago) link

Why don't you give him a call and ask him to tell you a story, instead? That way you get to hear his voice and feel closer to him but won't feel like you're dumping on him...?

Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:27 (thirteen years ago) link

Also it will prob be a better story than the one about your dad and the birds. Because THAT'S not depressing or anything.

Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:27 (thirteen years ago) link


I've been thinking about that one for the past few days. Why?

Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:30 (thirteen years ago) link

Hope the time passes quickly for you; depression is awful - I've so been there (not too badly lately, thankfully).

Hang in there. (And yeah, I'm sure that doesn't help much from a perfect stranger, but unless you're in southern Minnesota, it will be hard for me to invite you over for brownies or something!)

Sara R-C, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:07 (thirteen years ago) link

what kind of brownies

deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:10 (thirteen years ago) link

megabus is only a dollar and i'd pay a dollar for brownies.

chicago kevin, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:15 (thirteen years ago) link

omar little, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:15 (thirteen years ago) link

See? An hour has already passed! How you doin?

Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:21 (thirteen years ago) link

Damn this accursed MACHIIIIINE!

robertwolf8080, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:27 (thirteen years ago) link

Just plain brownies! They are kind of fudgy - no nuts - very simple, with chocolate icing (really just chocolate chips melted with some butter). I made them because I was feeling low today.

Megabus sounds like something from My Neighbor Totoro. I must find out about it!

Sara R-C, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:30 (thirteen years ago) link

no weed, no visitation.

just kidding, id kill for any kind of homemade brownie right now.

and how is abbott doing now?? apparently no longer at her computer surfing ilx, which means: way better off than any of us.

deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:42 (thirteen years ago) link

I went and got a baked potato at Wendy's. Some good songs came on the radio that made me nostalgic. The nostalgia took me places I shouldn't have gone, but the potato was good. And, uh, pulling through, You guys 'r' swell.

Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:46 (thirteen years ago) link


chicago kevin, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:49 (thirteen years ago) link

the bacon cheddar baked potato is the only baked potato worth having

deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:51 (thirteen years ago) link

you're crazy deeznuts. the bacon cheddar may be at the top of the baked potato hierarchy but by no means is it "the only baked potato worth having".

chicago kevin, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:54 (thirteen years ago) link

I am actually a fan of the potato skins with cheddar and bacon, with a side of sour cream and chives. Hit all the bases that way.

Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:56 (thirteen years ago) link

ok, fine. excuse me for being hyperbolic. the sour cream & chive is a delicious steal, & i would recommend it to anyone short of $2.49.

xp i didnt know this was possible?? i dont have a wendy's within 45 mins of me anymore tho

deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:58 (thirteen years ago) link

i know admitting it is like admitting that i enjoy the slaughter of kittens, but i have to say that i find baked potatos fairly nasty

remy bean, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:59 (thirteen years ago) link

Oh, not at Wendy's. They're awesome in diners or at home, though.

Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:01 (thirteen years ago) link

theyre mainly a starchy delivery device for cheese/sour cream/butter/etc

jhøshea, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:02 (thirteen years ago) link

remy, do you eat them with like, stuff on them? cuz baked potatoes are disgusting, which is why you coat them w/ butter & sour cream & cheese & bacon, all of which are wonderful things that i fail to understand how anyone could not love.

xp tru!

deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:03 (thirteen years ago) link

fighting w/ my fiancee because i do what the psychiatrist + therapist tell me to do and she stubbornly fights them every inch of the way (we have different psychiatrists + therapists).


moonship journey to baja, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:04 (thirteen years ago) link

Remy has v cultivated tastes, he probably likes more imaginative potato forms. I'm a simple person, though, and I like mine with lots and lots of salt and dairy product.

Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:05 (thirteen years ago) link

oncoming traffic and loved ones
although i will mention that i usually was more of a telephone pole ruminator

but i'm there are fuckups (Karl Malone), Saturday, 9 March 2019 20:28 (two years ago) link

Karl do you mind sharing what you went on, re: antidepressants? we can take this to 77 if you prefer (as soon as I get access lol)

Simon H., Sunday, 10 March 2019 06:59 (two years ago) link

don't mind sharing at all - i'm on effexor. i guess one thing you'll quickly learn is that everyone's experience with all this is very different. it has been very good for me, but not so good for others. and effexor has a reputation for being very hard to get off of. what emperor 8 said above - (I was on Effexor for many years and coming off it was brutalizing, I'm convinced it irreversibly re-jiggered my nervous system) is what i'm kind of terrifed of. however, i'm on a relative low dose (75/mg a day), whereas my psychiatrist told me that the antianxiety affects don't really kick in until the 150 mg/day threshold is passed. so i'm hopeful that it'll be a little easier for me to wean off, eventually. honestly, right now i don't want to come off of it - i just feel pretty good, not in an artificially imposed fake-happy thing (which is what i was worried about when i started), but just in a really nice "i don't give a fuck" way. like, when something bad happens and it's definitely not my fault, i don't worry about it so much more. i used to really dwell on things like that all the time, even when it wasn't my fault. now i can just say "oh, well that wasn't my fault", even when other people (like my boss or whatever) might be blaming me. that doesn't feel "fake" happy to me, it just feels like a better way to respond to things. i don't know if effexor is somehow helping me make that happen, or if it's the therapy, or both, and i don't care. i'm just in a better place now. obv i have no fucking clue what's going on with the different med options, but it's very much worth the effort to find someone to talk to that can help you navigate all that shit.

77 access thread is here btw: Request Access to 77 Borad
i assume you know but maybe others haven't seen it or aren't aware of it

but i'm there are fuckups (Karl Malone), Sunday, 10 March 2019 07:41 (two years ago) link

i used to really dwell on things like that all the time, even when it wasn't my fault. now i can just say "oh, well that wasn't my fault", even when other people (like my boss or whatever) might be blaming me.

btw, just to inception this shit, i also recognize that sometimes i do still get overly irritated about things, sometimes on ilx. just getting frustrated over little things. but i don't feel so bad about it afterward anymore. i'm just like "well i just freaked out on the internet again, whoops. i'm going to try not to do that again" and move on. it's nice

but i'm there are fuckups (Karl Malone), Sunday, 10 March 2019 07:43 (two years ago) link

Yes, getting older and also realizing why I am the way I am(waves at mommy): I'm way more chill (thanks sipralexa) ab things. I'm less stressed. Sometimes I want to stop w sipralexa but even now I get anxiety. And I never wanna get back to wanting to (literally) jump off a cliff.

nathom, Sunday, 10 March 2019 08:53 (two years ago) link

Yes, getting older and also realizing why I am the way I am(waves at mommy): I'm way more chill (thanks sipralexa) ab things. I'm less stressed. Sometimes I want to stop w sipralexa but even now I get anxiety. And I never wanna get back to wanting to (literally) jump off a cliff.

― nathom

accepting there are actual reasons why i have certain reactions to things, being able to, at least in my own head, criticize (without necessarily _blaming_) certain other people, rather than being "lol depression idk" has been helpful to me, i have found.

i feel like i still have a lot of room to grow as a person, and being on the meds i'm on makes that process easier.

the scientology of mountains (rushomancy), Sunday, 10 March 2019 12:05 (two years ago) link

Yes! It took me 2 decades of self-analysis. Tbh if it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm not blaming anyone. Useless and waste of time/energy.

nathom, Sunday, 10 March 2019 13:00 (two years ago) link

KM, about Effexor, it may have saved my life and I don't regret going on it...but in weaning off after ten years (most at 187.5 mg) I found that my nervous system had to be completely recalibrated, and that absent its insulatiion my system "forgot" how to respond appropriately to life's disappointments. Like I started taking shit way harder than what was appropriate. So now I'm on a course of re-sensitizing, which is not a lot of fun.

Anyway I'm glad it's working for you, and in general—and w/r/t Simon's laundry list of treatment attempts—I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no silver bullet. I had longed hope for the *one* thing that would do the trick but I know now it's going to be a combination of little things that will keep me afloat, if in fact I ever come up for air.

logged out (Emperor 8), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:27 (two years ago) link

I feel you guys on vacation, too. I have a history of this and was brutailzed around the holidays this year in trips to see family—people I love, in MI and FL. I think vacations are particularly hard just because they upset the prospect of improvement due to a change of scenery. I know that when I am suffering a heavy bout I'll come to lament my circumstances and surroundings, only to learn over and again that depression DGAF about where you take it. To deplane in a sunny clime, or to be greeted by old friends, and realize that you STILL feel like dying is somehow doubly bad.

logged out (Emperor 8), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:34 (two years ago) link

may i ask what the relation between your berlin vacation - next time you come we could meet if you are interested - and the realization of your depression is, brad? or is that too private andi am too curious?

― Ich bin kein Berliner (alex in mainhattan), Saturday, March 9, 2019 11:10 AM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

wasn't the city itself, berlin is wonderful and i would live there if i could, but i went with one of my best friends and spending a week with your best friend in one-bed airbnb, and also going everywhere together... she got tired and annoyed with me during the last few days of the trip (fair! i guess) and i just started spiraling from there bc i did not believe i deserved anything good and this was just new evidence. went off the deep end a month later during another vacation in ocean city maryland after taking molly that prob was mostly coke, but idk how much i should share about that particular breakdown on ile

anyway i'm much better now and genuinely believe i deserve good things. still need a therapist! but doin' ok without one for now

jolene club remix (BradNelson), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:44 (two years ago) link

I was travelling with a friend of mine, and several of her friends, with most of us staying in a tiny airbnb, so I felt like I had to constantly exile myself so as not to poison anyone else's good vibes

in fact, my berlin trip was a lot like this

jolene club remix (BradNelson), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:45 (two years ago) link

oh, i love my family too, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier for me to visit! my new rule is, i have a house now, people who want to see me can come visit, i'm not going back to fucking indiana.

the scientology of mountains (rushomancy), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:48 (two years ago) link

I just wanna say thx to everyone for sharing, genuinely helpful and interesting for me personally.

Also I have to share the fact that when I was in the deepest, darkest throes of my breakdown I messaged the group to be like "hey sorry I'm all fucked up, it's no one's fault, don't take it personally" etc and in response the girls I was traveling with *and the tourists they'd found to have sex with* sent a group selfie of them making Care Bear style heart signs, and even in the moment I was able to appreciate how blackly hilarious it was

Simon H., Sunday, 10 March 2019 22:30 (two years ago) link

I am struggling bec my husband is depressed. I don't how not to get sucked into the vortex. :-(

nathom, Monday, 11 March 2019 12:45 (two years ago) link

six months pass...


Beating head against brick wall


a hoy hoy, Sunday, 6 October 2019 22:33 (one year ago) link

what's going on? :(

It is my great honor to post on this messageboard! (Karl Malone), Monday, 7 October 2019 00:36 (one year ago) link

hope u feel better sam:)

flopson, Monday, 7 October 2019 00:56 (one year ago) link

It was just a bad day. I have since bought a puppy (a black labradoodle), so I'm pretty smiley atm.

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:16 (one year ago) link

But thanks for checking in guys

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:17 (one year ago) link

in my experience some varieties of labradoodle are absolutely huge and some are quite small - which have you got?

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:25 (one year ago) link

I met the parents, I think it will grow to be quite big. Bloody tiny for now though, it basically fits in my hand.

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:27 (one year ago) link

my black lab has his first birthday next week, he's huge now ... absolutely huge - they soon grow up!

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:30 (one year ago) link

Yeah we are already talking about moving in May when our contract is up in case our place isn't big enough! I'm bloody petrified tbh

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 08:09 (one year ago) link

on a depression tip the thing with dogs is that they are generally superior to humans and they nag you to go out of the house when you don't feel like going out which can be a very good thing.

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 08:20 (one year ago) link

i caught this amazing blood red sunrise yesterday all thanks to my dog

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 08:22 (one year ago) link

two months pass...

Just got started on my first SSRI (Lexapro aka Cipralex) on Friday. Mostly it's caused me to sleep a lot. A friend was surprised I was able to get prescribed some on the spot at a clinic (in Canada), but I guess I got lucky and/or said the magic words. I'm surprised we don't have a dedicated SSRIs thread tbh!

I've also noticed my sense of time is slightly more accelerated and techno sounds slightly more absorbing...

bold caucasian eroticism (Simon H.), Sunday, 5 January 2020 19:12 (one year ago) link

There’s an antidepressants thread

Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby), Sunday, 5 January 2020 19:14 (one year ago) link

ah thx I used all the wrong search terms

bold caucasian eroticism (Simon H.), Sunday, 5 January 2020 19:15 (one year ago) link

The SSRIs take a while to really kick in so try and be patient with them!

revenge of the jawn (rushomancy), Sunday, 5 January 2020 20:28 (one year ago) link

good luck with it buddy, hope it helps

hot nuts (small) (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 5 January 2020 20:38 (one year ago) link

There’s an antidepressants thread

― Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby)

there's also a frequently bumped 77 thread that often discusses antidepressants

But guess what? Nobody gives a toot!😂 (Karl Malone), Sunday, 5 January 2020 22:04 (one year ago) link

one month passes...

Hi folks, my brain is busily being my enemy again. Halp. (Also, many thanks to those of you who have already contributed your support via FB.)

We Live as We Dee, Alone (deethelurker), Monday, 2 March 2020 18:29 (one year ago) link

hey dee. if you aren't on the '77' board, most of the personal discussion about depression has moved to a newer thread there, because '77' isn't accessible to search engines or random internet strangers. The usual method to gain access to '77' is to request it here: Request Access to 77 Borad

if you'd prefer to discuss it here, that's OK, too

A is for (Aimless), Monday, 2 March 2020 22:48 (one year ago) link

LOL, I've requested twice before but apparently I don't pass muster or something, sigh.

We Live as We Dee, Alone (deethelurker), Monday, 2 March 2020 23:59 (one year ago) link

I did the same long ago iirc, no dice

bold caucasian eroticism (Simon H.), Tuesday, 3 March 2020 00:02 (one year ago) link

must have been an oversight by the mods, it's not selective (well maybe if you were a totally new poster they might question it but that would be the extent of it)

frederik b. godt (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 3 March 2020 00:03 (one year ago) link

dee, you're in.

― mod, Monday, March 2, 2020 2:36 PM (four hours ago)

mookieproof, Tuesday, 3 March 2020 00:10 (one year ago) link

one year passes...

very confused lately. i'm a melancholic person by nature, but i can't say i usually experience loneliness or sadness too often; i'm too optimistic, content in my own company, well-spirited... though i feel really stuck, of late. i suspect it's mostly alienation surrounding how technology has changed, how the internet has centralized, alongside a sense of community becoming marginalized, ofc w covid, too.

i spent much of my teens and early twenties living in the past, with my head in the clouds - but i'm lucid and present, these days. i don't look to the past anymore. my memories are a bit of a haze, and i have c-ptsd, but i dunno. i wake up every day with energy and zeal, but it's hard to feel like anything is moving, anymore. it's hard to make connections when you don't watch netflix, play sports, use your smartphone... it's like i don't even know where people are hanging out online, anymore (shout out ilxors for keeping the dream alive). growing up, it felt like online community was vibrant, exciting, but now we're in this post-net malaise... it makes me sad to think about. i really do feel like i can't take much more of the internet. all i seem to do is fill in captchas, passwords, verifications, see junk emails, advertisements... it's just no fun anymore. i open my browser and think... huh, really, where is there to go, anymore...?

mark fisher expressed it well enough, and i know he too was optimistic about it - but i dunno. i feel so much art now is clouded in nostalgia. everyone i know has this feeling of the 90s being "when everything was okay". it's strange to have such instantaneous, constant connection yet feel like nobody is really conversing. nobody likes phone calls anymore. where do i even find a pen pal? how can you talk to a stranger with their airpods in?

growing up online, i was able to freely explore my identity, sexuality, gender, personality, music taste, and reach community with anonymity, relative privacy and a sense of fun. i feel like it's been all but completely revoked, yet nobody seems to be concerned, and virtuality is increasingly enmeshed with daily life. i kinda want out, but i know it's more of a inconvenience to live without than to live with. i've been getting offline more, i guess, but it's strange - to be switched off when everybody else is wired.

idfk anymore

maelin, Wednesday, 28 April 2021 19:55 (one month ago) link

I feel ya. Sendin good vibes

brimstead, Wednesday, 28 April 2021 20:35 (one month ago) link

I was just reading about the explosion of chatbots in China and found the idea really depressing... there are like millions of people that sneak off to the bathroom for a few minutes to chat with somebody who doesn't exist. Seems so dystopian.

Today's WWW is pretty darn soulless and really exists only to monetize ever dwindling attention spans.

Andy the Grasshopper, Wednesday, 28 April 2021 20:41 (one month ago) link

very glad i grew up before cell phones.
maybe try a personal and self-imposed device purge for a month, see what cold turkey does.

Draymond is "Mr Dumpy" (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 29 April 2021 14:53 (one month ago) link

two weeks pass...

didn't think I was one of those "dreading the end of the COVID era" ppl but then I got one dose on friday and now it's just a barrage of crying jags, very cool, love to be alive

intern at pelican brief consulting (Simon H.), Monday, 17 May 2021 16:09 (one month ago) link

three weeks pass...

it's a bad time right now

sorry forks

Heez, Monday, 7 June 2021 13:28 (two weeks ago) link

I don’t know if you can share much about what’s happening, forks, but you know you can always vent (at extreme length! that’s what I do) here of you need to. You’re a good person, hang in there.

Karl Malone, Monday, 7 June 2021 14:19 (two weeks ago) link

<3 forks

brimstead, Monday, 7 June 2021 14:47 (two weeks ago) link

(or shoot me an email if you want, forks, too. just know there's people for you)

Karl Malone, Monday, 7 June 2021 14:55 (two weeks ago) link

Ya same forks, reach out if you need an ear <3

Much love, forks.

keen reverberations of twee (collardio gelatinous), Tuesday, 8 June 2021 15:23 (two weeks ago) link

♥️ u forks

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