in a lonely place

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Early this year, I was in a fantastic relationship with a man I loved very very much. Due to a series of misadventures, we broke up, as is wont to happen in relationships, and though we tried to keep in touch, it was painful, so we don't anymore.

I miss him. I miss him like a limb that has been severed. I miss his smile, his laugh, the way his voice cracks, just a little, when he's about to say something to make himself vulnerable to me. I miss the way he says my name and the way his hands feel on my skin. I miss the sound of him breathing in the night, and the slow smile that creeps across his face when he wakes up.

I can't breathe. Everyone is telling me I need to get over him. I need to move on, "he obviously has." Maybe it's sensible, but it hurts too much to think about life without him in it. I don't call, because I don't want to hurt him. I don't write. But I want to. Especially around this time of year when everyone (except people fighting for parking at the shopping centre) is so kind and loving; all I want to do is be with him.

I'm sad, crying, lonely, and he is always the person I turn to when I'm sad, crying and lonely. How do you deal with it when that one person isn't there anymore? I just don't know if I'm strong enough right now. I want to be. I know I should be. I know I sound like a whining child. But my heart is shattered. People say I should go out, get out with friends, out of the house, and I do that. It's not helping. I exercise, go dancing, go to movies, do things to occupy my time. But it isn't helping.

What do I do now?

sadlittlegirl, Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:13 (seventeen years ago) link

Keep getting out of the house. If you drink, stop drinking or cut it down to the bare minimum.

Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:17 (seventeen years ago) link

he is always the person I turn to when I'm sad, crying and lonely.

I think this is telling. Are there other people you can turn to? I feel like it's easier to get over a romantic relationship if you're still getting love and support from friends and family.

jaymc (jaymc), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:25 (seventeen years ago) link

Write poetry. I know this sounds seriously dodgy but sometimes acute pain can create some pure gold. Turn your pain into creativity, it is a positive way to redirect your energies.

Use your lasting memories of this man to uplift you rather than depress you. Some people NEVER ever knew what you had. Yes, it's over, but think of him and smile, not weep.

I've been there you see.



Rik E Boy (Rik E Boy), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:27 (seventeen years ago) link

On a sidenote: I love New Order. Maybe you should go dig out their albums.

Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:29 (seventeen years ago) link

i'm sorry honey. it took almost 8 months for me to get over my last breakup. I understand exactly how you feel. When my ex broke up with me it was like a piece of my heart and literally been cut out.

All I can say, no matter how trite it may seem, is that it takes time. That's the only thing that will really heal you. Hang in there and one day you'll be past the place where you are now.

A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:40 (seventeen years ago) link

It's my experience that the best way to get over someone is to fall for someone else.

Berkeley Sackett (calstars), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:54 (seventeen years ago) link

You could try reading Sense and Sensibility, which is a good novel about heartbreak.

isadora (isadora), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:57 (seventeen years ago) link

Listen to this. Might cheer you up.

Aja (aja), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 02:59 (seventeen years ago) link

earlier this year, i was in a fantastic relationship with a girl whom i loved very much. due to the massive physical distance forced upon us, as is wont to happen, given the particulars of our lives, we grew fatally apart. we did not "break up". nobody "dumped" anybody. we tried to keep in touch. but i won't any more.

i missed her. i missed the sweet smell of her breath. i missed holding her head in my hands when i came. i missed her tomboy t-shirts, i missed her sandals and her little feet. i missed the way i made her laugh. i missed the way we would gently wake up together, gazing into each others' eyes, slowly starting to smile. i missed these flickers in my soul.

and then, after a while, i thought i was actually going insane.

but now, i feel more or less fine.

i know exactly what you're going through. this happens to everyone. and see the people it doesn't happen to? they're cunts.

the most important thing is this: don't think that going out exercising, or, even worse, throwing yourself at someone else, will make you feel any better. it won't. these things are fool's gold. so do exactly what you want to do. if you feel like it, sit at home and weep for days and days. that won't make you feel any better either, but at least it won't be so forced and contrived.

you will move on from this in time. for some people it takes weeks. for others, years. it will happen eventually -- you will feel normal and happy once more. please believe me. just don't be naive enough to think that there is anything you can do to speed up the process. it will finish in its own time.

Danny Quintana (danny quintana), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 03:08 (seventeen years ago) link

It's my experience that the best way to get over someone is to fall for someone else.

I've heard it put, The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. But yeah, either way.

Prude (Prude), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 03:33 (seventeen years ago) link

apparently it doesn't always work.

the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 03:35 (seventeen years ago) link

Time is going to be key here. Until you reach the point where it doesn't hurt so much, I strongly exho the advice of being around other people and cultivating those relationships with the caveat that although you are using human contact to ease your pain, you want to be very careful about using others as mobile emotional dumping receptacles. The key here is that you really want to connect with others so that one person doesn't have to bear the full burden of being your emotional support network.

Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 04:13 (seventeen years ago) link

Get rid of these feelings of want and desire for something that will never be. You can only grow and flourish if you shed like a stale husk your old dependances and un-adapted paws, clinging to the cliff to stop from falling into the lava! But the lava is life, and I shall melt your mind away with refrshed verve!

Mike Hanle y (mike), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:00 (seventeen years ago) link

un-adapted paws!! I kiss you Mike.

Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Danny's right, allow yourself to grieve as deeply and madly as you need to for as long as you need to. Don't postpone grief.

the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:06 (seventeen years ago) link

also, calling the guy up to tell him how sad and lonely you are is a really really really bad idea and should be avoided totally, indeed wiped from your mind as a consideration.

the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:09 (seventeen years ago) link

Yes, you need to talk to yourself right now, not him.

the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:10 (seventeen years ago) link

well.... maybe she should be with him, then.

dyson (dyson), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:29 (seventeen years ago) link

what does the guy think about this though? if he has "obviously moved on"?

the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:30 (seventeen years ago) link

what danny said

donna (donna), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:40 (seventeen years ago) link

In the span of a week, get with ALL your g/fs' b/fs. You can't be lonely with THAT much drama!

DarrensCoq, Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:48 (seventeen years ago) link

I don't really drink, so that isn't s consideration.

I have been around other people a lot, but none of them really know how deeply this affecting me; mainly because I don't ever want to place that kind of emotional burden on anyone else. They know it hurts, but I don't burst into tears at the drop of a hat or anything. (When I'm around them).

That said, there ARE other people I could turn to, but he's the one I always did. I never dumped it all on him; more like he always made me feel better. I don't want to sound like a wet dishrag girl, I'm not.

I wouldn't call him to tell him how lonely I am - I've had it done to me, and I fully understand the toll it takes. I think the friends who have said he's 'obviously moved on' are assuming so because he hasn't contacted me, not from knowledge of any affairs he's having. (They don't really know him).

Thank you all so much for your advice - I'm doing my best.

(Also Danny, thank you - it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. If you ever need an ear...)

sadlittlegirl, Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:55 (seventeen years ago) link

I've been there, too. Much love to you through this.

luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:57 (seventeen years ago) link

yes, pretty much everything danny said is otm.

this is much easier to say than to put into action mind. ("into action" = not feeling guilty for sitting in your underpants for the third day in a row feeling sorry for yourself.)

(p.s. i am in the "actually going insane" stage right now.)

(p.p.s. this too shall pass.)

fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 05:58 (seventeen years ago) link

(ha ha actually i'm not 100% convinced it will, but experience has taught me [set the override command for my own mind for a minute] that in six months i will either feel "better" or be dead. and either way i won't feel as bad/the same as i do now. [experience hasn't proven me dead yet either, though the lab reports are still pending.])

fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 06:01 (seventeen years ago) link

I kind of feel that way too, jess. Either it will be better or I won't last long enough to care.

sadlittlegirl, Tuesday, 16 December 2003 06:03 (seventeen years ago) link

You need a lot of friends who will reciprocate to you for what you want to give to someone who isn't there any more. A good way to get lots of attention and make lots of people happy is to be creative, and nothing pleases more people faster than sharing a good meal with them, so be creative in the kitchen. Learn to cook something really good, and invite lots of people over for dinner all the time and you will soon be a lot closer to them and be happy with yourself for your talents.

sucka (sucka), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 06:20 (seventeen years ago) link

I already do cook and people are always coming round for dinner. (Breakfast and lunch too, for that matter). I'm getting out, I'm around a lot of people, I'm being happy and bright and cheerful, but underneath it all, it fucking hurts.

sadlittlegirl, Tuesday, 16 December 2003 06:24 (seventeen years ago) link

you know, there really isnt a cure other than time, no matter how much we may wish there was.
it IS true that in some months time you will probably feel less crappy about it all. i hope this comes quickly for you, but in the meantime just talking about it ( even on places like this or maybe especially on places like this ) does help the healing move on a little wee bit.

i do feel for you, been there myself and man it sucks! i hated seeing happy couples, couldnt stand the thought of watching a 'tear-jerker- movie ( well they arent my thing anyway but even if they were i would have wanted to kill someone before the end ), all i wanted to do was lie on the floor in a dark house and feel like utter shit. so i did.
it helped i guess, cause i ran out of tears eventually and even though at first i was just going through the motions of living, bit by bit it caught me up again and i realised i was actually ok.

i hope you can take some ease in the knowledge that many of us have been in it and survived.

@ ( thats a hug )

donna (donna), Tuesday, 16 December 2003 07:15 (seventeen years ago) link

seventeen years pass...

I was hoping this thread was about the novel

calstars, Thursday, 14 October 2021 01:00 (one week ago) link

so was I

Lily Dale, Thursday, 14 October 2021 01:10 (one week ago) link

The novel is great, better than the movie imo, more of a gut punch. Joy Division/New Order song great too. The demo they did just days before Curtis died is one of the most haunting things ever.

Zelda Zonk, Thursday, 14 October 2021 02:38 (one week ago) link

The pov is so brilliantly managed; you're immersed in this serial killer's brain to a degree that's terrifying, but at the same time you're noticing all the little details of his mistakes that of course his narcissism keeps him from seeing.

I first read it when I had moved to a new town six months before and didn't know anyone, so the immersiveness was extra creepy; I started feeling like maybe I secretly wandered the streets of Seattle by night committing horrific crimes and just didn't know it.

Lily Dale, Thursday, 14 October 2021 02:51 (one week ago) link

It's a really interesting period in crime fiction where the tables turn and we start to get the POV from the psychopath killers: the Ripley novels, Jim Thompson's The Killer Inside Me, Margaret Miller's Beast in View...

Zelda Zonk, Thursday, 14 October 2021 03:15 (one week ago) link

I don't know Beast in View, but I couldn't make it through The Killer Inside Me, and I think I tried the Ripley books and put them down for similar reasons; too much gleeful sadism for me. But here there's no glee, no voyeurism; this isn't just a monster whose eyes you're looking through for thrills, it's a human being who does monstrous things to try to fill some kind of emptiness in him, some need that feels very human even if it's been horrifically amplified and distorted.

Lily Dale, Thursday, 14 October 2021 03:55 (one week ago) link

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