God bless the goddamn Onion

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It suddenly occurred to me that they were finally going to update today, so I went. Jesus H., I do love those clowns.

Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

sexy answer to put this in the sexy dirty sex sex sex new answers.

Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Favor ite one from past

Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

I'd wondered how they would address this, and I have to say they got it right. It comes at the perfect time, too, when the feelings are still raw but laughter is possible. More than anything, it brings to light how instructive their humor is.

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

Mark, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Quite right. It's a hard thing to pull off, but I think they did it very well indeed. Taking the week off was the right thing to do, and it made everything just come across that much better, methinks.

Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Surprisingly unfunny. Or not surprisingly, I think. Seems so... average... in light of news coverage of minutae of recent events and span and style of already extant coverage.

Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

For the first time in a long time it is actually funny, even if they are wheeling out some of the tired old forl\mulas again. very well handled I think. Still not private eye though.

Ed, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

I thought it was v.good. Esp. the cake one - strangely poignant. And the 'Hell sources' phrase.

Nick, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

One of the best pieces of commentary I've seen. Somehow, even while being totally tasteless and tacky and completely hypocritical (the Gen X bit), somehow it's the most spot on thing I've seen. I sent the bit about God clarifying His no-kill policy to my priest mum.

Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

I LOVE the ''Terrorists surprized To Find Selves In Hell'' one. The Onion is genius.

rezna, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What is "private eye"?

Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

five years pass...
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (fifteen years ago) link

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (fifteen years ago) link

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (fifteen years ago) link

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (fifteen years ago) link

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (fifteen years ago) link

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (fifteen years ago) link

I remember going through that phase

Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (fifteen years ago) link

we get print versions in la now btw!!

chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (fifteen years ago) link

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (fifteen years ago) link

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (fifteen years ago) link

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (fifteen years ago) link

one year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (fourteen years ago) link

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (fourteen years ago) link

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (fourteen years ago) link

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (fourteen years ago) link

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (fourteen years ago) link

a hrarf!

G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (fourteen years ago) link

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (fourteen years ago) link

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (fourteen years ago) link

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (fourteen years ago) link

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (fourteen years ago) link

okay that is awesome

HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (fourteen years ago) link

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (fourteen years ago) link

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (fourteen years ago) link

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (fourteen years ago) link

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (fourteen years ago) link

two weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (fourteen years ago) link

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (fourteen years ago) link

One of my more flattering caricatures.

Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (fourteen years ago) link

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (fourteen years ago) link

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (fourteen years ago) link

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (fourteen years ago) link

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (fourteen years ago) link

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (fourteen years ago) link

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (fourteen years ago) link

two months pass...
two weeks pass...

Is The Onion machine generating headlines or something now? They keep having weird grammatical errors (or typos)

Woman Adopts Second Cat For First One To Terrorize While She At Work https://t.co/R0nqjKufTH pic.twitter.com/496lxnB7Ig

— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 10, 2020

Greta Van Show Feets BB (milo z), Tuesday, 10 March 2020 22:17 (two years ago) link

You mean the "she at work" bit? That's not an error, that's just cod headline-ese.

the grateful dead can dance (anagram), Wednesday, 11 March 2020 07:42 (two years ago) link

one month passes...
one month passes...

Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First https://t.co/rbdfMJOiQ8 pic.twitter.com/YHY3sZaxAU

— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 28, 2020

mookieproof, Thursday, 28 May 2020 19:08 (two years ago) link

one month passes...

harking back to the op

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/onion-911-issue-oral-history

mookieproof, Wednesday, 1 July 2020 20:05 (two years ago) link

Thanks for posting that, a really interesting read

kinder, Wednesday, 1 July 2020 20:49 (two years ago) link

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.
― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, October 10, 2006 7:11 PM (thirteen years ago) bookmarkflaglink

Andrew Farrell, Wednesday, 1 July 2020 22:46 (two years ago) link

Chad Nackers, The Onion graphics editor/writer 1997 to 2017; Editor in Chief, 2017 to current:

Is that really his name? Really?

trishyb, Wednesday, 1 July 2020 23:28 (two years ago) link

It is a very good article.

trishyb, Wednesday, 1 July 2020 23:31 (two years ago) link

I just cackled way too loud after reading that rejected "America Stronger Than Ever" headline.

pplains, Thursday, 2 July 2020 01:55 (two years ago) link

well worth reading, thanks!

Doctor Casino, Thursday, 2 July 2020 02:15 (two years ago) link

two months pass...

New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11 https://t.co/SXZwp3tkxe pic.twitter.com/QJjHj6KGRr

— The Onion (@TheOnion) September 8, 2020

calzino, Tuesday, 8 September 2020 18:43 (two years ago) link

That's a classic.

Spencer Chow, Tuesday, 8 September 2020 18:54 (two years ago) link

omg

kinder, Tuesday, 8 September 2020 20:01 (two years ago) link

one of their best

Number None, Tuesday, 8 September 2020 20:23 (two years ago) link

Right up there with:

Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend
https://www.theonion.com/horrified-subway-execs-assumed-people-were-buying-footl-1819595719

Spencer Chow, Tuesday, 8 September 2020 20:42 (two years ago) link

i think theres just something inherently funny about subway. i cant explain it.

methinks dababy doth bop shit too much (m bison), Tuesday, 8 September 2020 21:25 (two years ago) link

Did the 9/11 one originally have Jared?

Donald Trump Also Sucks, Of Course (milo z), Tuesday, 8 September 2020 21:33 (two years ago) link

no it was always that dude

Number None, Tuesday, 8 September 2020 22:24 (two years ago) link

There are amazing Jared posts like this one DATED MAY 2017
https://www.theonion.com/subway-drops-jared-fogle-as-spokesperson-1819579883

Spencer Chow, Wednesday, 9 September 2020 19:52 (two years ago) link

Stephen Miller Enraged After Discovering Cantaloupe He’s Fucking From Mexico https://t.co/9IUvSBGQ76 pic.twitter.com/mkCAeBx4EN

— The Onion (@TheOnion) September 17, 2020

error prone wolf syndicate (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 17 September 2020 22:19 (two years ago) link

two weeks pass...
one month passes...
two months pass...

Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S. https://t.co/9OrohtoKAu pic.twitter.com/3oXoTfLbIE

— The Onion (@TheOnion) January 6, 2021

Josh in Chicago, Wednesday, 6 January 2021 22:52 (one year ago) link

🐦[Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S. https://t.co/9OrohtoKAu🕸 pic.twitter.com/3oXoTfLbIE🕸
— The Onion (@TheOnion) January 6, 2021🕸]🐦


That’s a rerun from 2000! I remember the Onion’s coverage from that well.

Boring United Methodist Church (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 6 January 2021 23:44 (one year ago) link

Lol. because I was working there back then!

Josh in Chicago, Wednesday, 6 January 2021 23:52 (one year ago) link

two months pass...

jfc these folks do not pull any punches

Sympathetic Police Know What It’s Like To Have A Bad Day And Kill 8 People https://t.co/O6MCzgA4Ii pic.twitter.com/agbbcv3S1h

— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 17, 2021

Atlanta Police Rule Out Mass Shooting As Cause Of Death After Suspect Says He Didn’t Shoot Anyone https://t.co/0J5FzYSxtb pic.twitter.com/xTqhFme4eK

— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 17, 2021

frogbs, Wednesday, 17 March 2021 21:15 (one year ago) link

three weeks pass...
eleven months pass...
one month passes...
two weeks pass...

Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman https://t.co/nngdJBrsN1 pic.twitter.com/t9ajmIhgmo

— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 26, 2022

frogbs, Thursday, 26 May 2022 20:46 (four months ago) link

they've been going hard lately

Texas Passes Mandatory 24-Hour Waiting Period Before Police Can Engage Active Shooters https://t.co/UVZeprK1vp pic.twitter.com/26vK7Ie4Pf

— The Onion (@TheOnion) June 3, 2022

frogbs, Saturday, 4 June 2022 04:03 (three months ago) link

At the risk of outing myself as a snowflake who can't handle "edgy" humor: the new Kelly comic ('Pay Palm Bomb') is kinda gross & I'm not feeling it.

Attached by piercing jewelry (bernard snowy), Thursday, 23 June 2022 12:20 (three months ago) link

Seemed rather benign to me?

pplains, Thursday, 23 June 2022 13:09 (three months ago) link

I guess what's tasteless about it is the reference to the famous photo of Phan Thi Kim Phuc, even if it is "ironic"? It's say it's too offensive to be funny, but not offensive enough to be "offensive".

Halfway there but for you, Thursday, 23 June 2022 14:04 (three months ago) link

lol fuck

Whiney G. Weingarten, Thursday, 23 June 2022 15:16 (three months ago) link

Ok, that went past me.

But now in context with Kelly's commentary in the corner, it is a little much.

pplains, Thursday, 23 June 2022 15:22 (three months ago) link

stuff like this is what makes it so brilliant though, it's a reflection of the mindset that causes people to show up wearing yellow Stars of David to city council meetings to protest vaccination requirements

frogbs, Thursday, 23 June 2022 15:23 (three months ago) link

Pay Palm... ok, ok.

why even draw the barrel then.

pplains, Thursday, 23 June 2022 15:24 (three months ago) link

Kelly is another one of the Onion's self-deluded editorial characters. He's a bitter self-absorbed old fuck who's driven his family and friends away and treats everything that's even a slight inconvenience to him as if it's a major outrage.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Thursday, 23 June 2022 15:31 (three months ago) link

if you're in the mood for livid sarcasm the homepage is pretty remarkable right now

rob, Friday, 24 June 2022 20:15 (three months ago) link

Supreme Court Votes 5-4 To Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night

6-4 actually, Kavanaugh voted twice.

nickn, Friday, 24 June 2022 20:19 (three months ago) link

two months pass...

Oops, meant to post as a title:

Dying Polar Bear Has To Admit Owning A Private Jet Would Be Fucking Sick

nickn, Tuesday, 20 September 2022 22:04 (one week ago) link


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