God bless the goddamn Onion

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

roffle

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

a hrarf!

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

okay that is awesome

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

One of my more flattering caricatures.

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyKlassicMujahideen.article.jpg

At the risk of outing myself as a snowflake who can't handle "edgy" humor: the new Kelly comic ('Pay Palm Bomb') is kinda gross & I'm not feeling it.

Seemed rather benign to me?

I guess what's tasteless about it is the reference to the famous photo of Phan Thi Kim Phuc, even if it is "ironic"? It's say it's too offensive to be funny, but not offensive enough to be "offensive".

lol fuck

Ok, that went past me.

But now in context with Kelly's commentary in the corner, it is a little much.

stuff like this is what makes it so brilliant though, it's a reflection of the mindset that causes people to show up wearing yellow Stars of David to city council meetings to protest vaccination requirements

Pay Palm... ok, ok.

why even draw the barrel then.

Kelly is another one of the Onion's self-deluded editorial characters. He's a bitter self-absorbed old fuck who's driven his family and friends away and treats everything that's even a slight inconvenience to him as if it's a major outrage.

if you're in the mood for livid sarcasm the homepage is pretty remarkable right now

Supreme Court Votes 5-4 To Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night

6-4 actually, Kavanaugh voted twice.

This is quite far down the page but oof

https://www.theonion.com/kavanaugh-thomas-champion-creating-better-future-for-n-1849106105

https://www.theonion.com/dying-polar-bear-has-to-admit-owning-a-private-jet-woul-1849435124

Oops, meant to post as a title:

Dying Polar Bear Has To Admit Owning A Private Jet Would Be Fucking Sick

So, @TheOnion filed an amicus brief before the Supreme Court in defense of parody under the First Amendment… and it’s exactly what you’d expect. https://t.co/1JFfSqUJFA pic.twitter.com/efapgFF7dx

— Anthony Michael Kreis (@AnthonyMKreis) October 3, 2022

Brett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare

I feel like this is one headline that will keep coming up again and again:

Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings https://t.co/TacilAGlyC pic.twitter.com/jUhmf2hRV9

— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 26, 2022

The Onion > ClickHole. I said it, fite me.

https://www.theonion.com/best-bios-from-the-conservatives-only-online-dating-sit-1849642523

I’m gonna go ahead and walk that back a lil bit.

It’s Women Of Color Visibility Month! And Even If It Isn’t, It Should Be, And Let’s Be Real, Are You Gonna Try To Argue It’s Not? https://t.co/mITLjGZEQa pic.twitter.com/SOkdExDIxf

— The Onion (@TheOnion) December 1, 2022

No the second one is good, whereas the first is just more evidence that they're better the shorter they are, and it keeps going past the point where you think it might loop back around to good - but it never does.

https://www.theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997

Boiling the piss of the right people.

It’s a source of wonder to me that this guy once made a living out of writing comedy. Now he’s… this. Transphobia rots the brain, kids. pic.twitter.com/DHmSxABvoo

— Paul Duane 🏳️‍⚧️ (@paulduanefilm) February 17, 2023

https://www.theonion.com/evangelical-leaders-announce-j-k-rowling-finally-bigot-1850129128

loll

A meme from somewhere that I saw on discord.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/886401332460793896/1081998660407136380/IMG_4542.png

https://www.theonion.com/texas-bans-consensual-sex-1848631845

https://www.theonion.com/j-k-rowling-announces-she-no-longer-transphobic-after-1850432981

kelly reaching the stars

https://www.instagram.com/p/CvIsExgu4RJ/

Is that on the Onion, or somewhere else publicly viewable?

https://www.theonion.com/curbed-emissions-1850673988

Kelly watch the stars

It’s great that through all the ownership and editorship changes of the Onion he is still there. Ward Sutton did a great cartoon (Ward’s Cleaver) under his real name for alt weeklies when those existed. And he went to my Alma Mater!

https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-stands-with-israel-because-it-seems-like-yo-1850922505

good shit

https://www.theonion.com/report-free-dead-bodies-buried-underground-seemingly-f-1850942454

no clue what's happening here but "Global Tetrahedron" has been The Onion's default fake name for generic corporations for a quarter century now https://t.co/U8kn5HN4vD https://t.co/6hlnVa65QS pic.twitter.com/7uwtqymc6J

— Eric Harvey (@ericdharvey) April 25, 2024

The new owners include tech guy Jeff Lawson and former NYT writer Ben Collins.

“Our goal is to be stewards for this thing,” he said. “We’re keeping all the writers, we’re going to work with the union, we’re going to make it so they can hopefully get paid a little bit more money, and we’re going to give them the room to grow.”

The new owners said they planned to improve user experience on the website and expand into multimedia, but otherwise wanted The Onion’s staff members to continue to do the work they’ve been doing.

Mr. Lawson and Mr. Collins, who were in Chicago Thursday to meet The Onion’s editorial staff, declined to disclose the deal price. Noah Shachtman, the former editor in chief of Rolling Stone, has advised on the project, according to two people with knowledge of the deal.

“The Onion is just an institution,” Mr. Lawson said, adding: “It should be preserved and it should be great.”

Wow. Collins was at NBC, not NYT, but really curious how a youngish journalist ended up in that position.

NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO.

We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and share the wealth with staff.

Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited.https://t.co/CQtWzFHn4A

— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) April 25, 2024

“Our goal is to be stewards for this thing,” he said. “We’re keeping all the writers, we’re going to work with the union, we’re going to make it so they can hopefully get paid a little bit more money, and we’re going to give them the room to grow.”

thought this was an Onion article at first

but really curious how a youngish journalist ended up in that position.

Turns out he skeeted his way into it:
https://bsky.app/profile/bencollins.bsky.social/post/3kr2kcufdxf2t

i've noticed a lot less bite in their insta posts lately?

well this acquisition might ruin my online 'handle'. at least they're clearly superfans as global tetrahedron is almost completely a reference in articles from 1999

Lost it at the photo

https://www.theonion.com/annoying-teen-on-train-has-girlfriend-s-whole-face-in-m-1851439456

https://www.wired.com/story/plaintext-give-this-rich-dude-jeff-lawson-dollar-the-onion/

Things that sound like an Onion article

Returning to print (on a subscription basis):
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/16/business/media/the-onion-print-paper.html

https://static01.nyt.com/images/2024/08/16/multimedia/16onion-vmzc/16onion-vmzc-mobileMasterAt3x.jpg?quality=75&auto=webp&disable=upscale&width=600

https://web.archive.org/web/20240816131415/https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/16/business/media/the-onion-print-paper.html

the knives are out today

FACT CHECK
TRUMP: “People don’t leave my rallies.”
TRUE: They’re carried out in body bags.

— The Onion (@TheOnion) September 11, 2024

Comedy news outlet the Onion — reinvigorated by new ownership over this year — is bringing back its once-popular video parodies of cable news. But this time, there’s someone with real news anchor experience in the chair.

When the first episodes appear online Monday, former WAMU and MSNBC host Joshua Johnson will be the face of the resurrected “Onion News Network.” Playing an ONN anchor character named Dwight Richmond, Johnson says he’s bringing a real anchor’s sense of clarity — and self-importance — to the job.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/style/media/2024/09/30/the-onion-news-network-joshua-johnson-host/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUb0JnEsOHQ

Wow, local guy (would love to see Kojo Nnamdi lend his soothing voice to the onion too.

xpost: just below that clip, there's "The Onion is back in print. Get the paper. Become a member.