Hemorrhoids Must Go

Where the sun don't shine -
Overdue, and a terrible fine ...

You should probably see your doctor about them. Even if he pretty much reiterates the same as above, he probably should know about them. My ungrounded suspicion is that Hemorrhoids may signal the onset of other MINOR digestive problems.

WATCH OUT, THIS IS THE REALLY DISGUSTING PART!

Suppositories will definitely relieve the pain; unfortunately, they can be extremely problematic. First of all, using them involves sticking things up your butt. Your rectum will try to expel the things -- either before or after they melt away -- through ordinary excretion or flatulence, and hence can be messy. Plus they smell foul.

a pretty good health forum re: all things bowel:

http://www.healthboards.com/cgi/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=16

Ha! I started getting them at 21.

Sorry, I was busy.

...and if the icepick hits you just so then maybe, just MAYBE, the phrase "ass grapes" will erase itself from your memory

Oh, “where the sun don't shine” -
Overdue, and a terrible fine!
Avoid all haemorrhoidal bleeding –
Take your books back after reading;
Take them back, renew your loan!

A lump emerged, as big as the bone
That protrudes at the base of my spine;
With blood, so bright, almost pink;
A lump the size of the missing link -
The size of the bone where a primate’s tail
Had tethered itself to a hay bail,
Rather than climb
Beyond the time
When we evolved and borrowed books.
The monkey’s hay bail looks
So comfortable in my mind
(My books were late and I was fined) –
I, too, leap from Darwin’s tree:
Let something else evolve, not me!
Let me sit on this bail -
My brain like the bone where a primate’s tail
Once wagged,
As its hands dragged
On the floor;
Leave me behind, my bottom is sore.

http://www.electromancer.com/artist.php?id=42

is lancing an option for an external hemorrhoid? I asked my ex-girlfirend to ask her dad (who's a doctor) but I'm still waiting on a reply.

ex-gf says no, as one might "hit a subcutaenous river of unpleasantness" (her words). I am inclined to think "maybe", as it would reduce swelling -- but as I don't have health insurance right now i'll proabably just chicken out.

(oh! I thought you said "i'll probably just chicken it out" and I didn't even want to know how that was going to work but anyway)

when u get health insurance again, treat yrself to a colonoscopy

thanks all for the honest, non-trollish advice, it shall be heeded.

usually accompanied by enough Demerol to fell an elephant. that's some people's idea of a treat, anyway.

Unfortunately they don't give you a copy to take home...

1. The Fist. Not that I've ever been down that road, but this is how I imagine it might feel like to have someone's hand up your bum. And people do that for pleasure?

2. The Screwdriver. More of a sharp, twisting, stabbing thing. Sometimes a Fist will convert into a Screwdriver - when this happens, the change in sensation actually comes as a strange sort of relief. A change being as good as a rest, I suppose.

3. The Spasm. The most feared of the lot, these only occur rarely, but their after effects can last for hours. The Spasm usually happens just when you're feeling OK, having sat still and relaxed for several hours. There is a build-up of about three seconds, which is when you realise that a Spasm is on the way and there is nothing you can do about it. Life goes into slow motion, as you freeze in your seat with a sense of mounting dread. The Spasm itself is quick but deadly. It feels like a cramp, or like having a shit in reverse. The entire contents of your arse undergo some sort of tectonic shift. The new alignment of elements will leave you in pain for the rest of the day.

For thrombosed hemorrhoids, this is what is done. I've been lanced and it was a pretty fucking awesome.

I lay on my side with a bare ass while the nurse sprayed me with freezing spray. Then she pulled out a rather large needle full of anisthetic which she shot in a few spots around my delicate rosebud. During this part of the procedure I screamed and thrased and cursed loudly; the nurse and doctor had to hold me down.

Next the actual lancing took place and it hurt as badly as the needle (again, I was restrained). After that they put a maxi pad on me and gave me a glass of orange juice. I couldn't stand up for a while because I was too shaky.

I bled for a few days.

Caption: Picture 1. Thrombosed hemorrhoid. This hemorrhoid was treated by incision and removal of clot. (You don't want to click this link http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/images/246hemm.jpg)

Anyway, WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot emphatically seconded. If the pile is sufficiently big and juicy (your doctor will advise), then an injection is the way to go. Alternatively, you might be offered a "banding", where a little gun shoots a little rubber band around the base of the pile, cutting off the blood flow and hence allowing the pile to die. Neither method is 100% guaranteed to work, but you can always make a repeat appointment.

I also recommend prescription-only suppositories, which are stronger than Anusol etc. The doctor might also prescribe a really good anti-inflammatory gel called Lignocaine, which you keep in the fridge. You can also use the Lignocaine to lube up the suppository, so that it slips in more easily.

Style tip: haemmorhoids are better worn "in" than "out". Soap yourself up in the bath or bidet, then gently pop 'em back inside. They hurt less that way.

If they thromobose, then you have my heartfelt sympathy. I've experienced nothing worse than the continuous nagging pain of a thrombosed haemmorhoid.

Oh yeah - if your 'roids are up, then DON'T SMOKE. It inflames them like hell. Same goes for any misguided notions on "medicinal" jazz fags. I tried that once, and just ended up in the same amount of pain as before, only stoned. It wasn't a good combination.

What?

omfg these things are ruining my life, i am 23 how did this happen :(

Could be cancer.

Yeah, cheer up!

Have you recently started sitting more? Like, you just got an office job where you sit on your ass a lot more than before?

ok, fair, i am maybe blowing it out a smidge of proportion.

re: sitting more, not really, i've gotten these bad boys on and off for about two years. my entire life i've had a bum (har har) digestive tract my whole life... a stomach ulcer at age 10, no less! i think it doesn't help that i have a bad habit of hanging out on the can too long, even when I'm done doing what I'm doin'. Also, my fibre intake is pretty variable so sometimes i'm god but at other points i am a real dick about eating healthy.

and if you clicked this thread please don't bitch about TMI.

my entire life i've ... my whole life

oops

my rhoids became psychedelically painfull not long after this thread and I had to see a butt surgeon. turned out I had some other condition, basically some crazy dryness/PH imbalance that I corrected with prescribed cream and slight diet change. doc told me lots of people who think they have hemorroids actually have this thing I can't remember the name of and don't want to think about anymore. when you ASSume LOL

also he said preparation H was useless and throw it out, but you know how doctors are

my rhoids became psychedelically painfull not long after this thread and I had to see a butt surgeon. turned out I had some other condition, basically some crazy dryness/PH imbalance that I corrected with prescribed cream and slight diet change. doc told me lots of people who think they have hemorroids actually have this thing I can't remember the name of and don't want to think about anymore. when you ASSume LOL

This and other things can lead to rectal fissures, which SUCK.

Fissures makes 'em sound like they fathoms deep. I can see why more commonplace terms aren't used, tho, since complaining about a rectal crack might be misinterpreted by some.

http://www.cathedralwindchimes.com/Gone%20Fission.jpg

Been fishing and didn't catch anything.
http://www.scielo.br/img/revistas/ag/v43n3/16f1.jpg

fuck you

what?!?

I feel like I've got the Daggers of Megiddo skewering my arse. Have been having warm 15 min shallow baths, have imbibed Epsom salts in water, have loaded up a few torpedoes. This is so unbearable I actually broke down into tears last night when my son was having a meltdown. He was quite amused and started laughing at me! I have took tons of Co-dydramol and still couldn't sleep and was just shifting about restlessly all night.

at least you have a new strategy for tackling meltdowns

I was having an important meeting with a social worker earlier, and couldn't concentrate, couldn't sit down and kept re-directing the topic to how bad my piles were!

i don't think i've ever had the full on Nobby experience but anything painful in that area is uncomfortable enough to shatter yr concentration

'Eat less and make it mostly fibre' usually does it for me. Running helps too.

I'm just eating some dried Chilean Orchard Prunes for dinner #cureworsethandisease

'haemorrhoids must go' is my favourite manics single

Arse grapes of wrath. Nightmare.

CLOV: I can't sit.

Why is turrican still here tho

well done, sir.

Get one of those add-on bidets for your toilet and skip the paper for a while.

Nip it in the bum

the best toilet roll to use is obv that fibre glass stuff with flint chippings and swarf integrated into its fabric. You'll be out-dancing Nureyev in no time!

I'm in hell. Sitting in a sitz bath during work.

It's either roids or really irritated skin but man it sucks.

Need to get a special pillow to sit on

put one of those hemorrhoid suppositories into my butthole and i did not like the sensation at all.

also my mother walked in without knocking midway. that'll be an awkward Christmas dinner convo

I don't like using those torpedoes, my arse is so catholic it keeps trying to pop it back out again! Not that it is any less horribly uncomfortable than squeezing a tube of zinc oxide up there with that intimidating looking applicator .. lol

my previous experience was only w/ the applicator but apparently they don't sell that version near me anymore.

lol welp....hopefully a week of this gross sensation is all i need