Favorite lines from Seinfeld?

"I think that milk's gone bad"
"I don't care."

[Kramer and Jerry discussing whether their accountant is using drugs]

Jerry: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.
Kramer: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?
Jerry: No, he didn't use 'man'.
Kramer: I mean when he was leaving did he say "I'm splittin' "?
Jerry: No, but at one point he did use the bathroom.
Kramer [freaks out]: Whoh!

It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife, the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sunup. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted chambray nightshirts.

♥

George trying to be funny:
"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the
day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast."

lol

"And it's called the World Wide Web, you can email anybody!"
"What are you a scientist?"

"so attractive one day, not attractive the next?"
"yeah, have you come across this?"
"I'm familiar with this syndrome. She's a two-face"
"Like the batman villain?"
"If that helps you"

"Stop crying and fight yer father"

Jerry: No, but at one point he did use the bathroom.
Kramer [freaks out]: Whoh!

newman: SOUTH AMERICA? what kind of snowblower'd you get us mixed up with?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz0jkktVfJ8

Man: Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

George: Yeah. No problem.

Jerry: Let's go.

George: Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.

Jerry: For how long?

George: I'm sure he'll be back in a second.

Jerry: Come on.

George: Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

Man 2: Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back?

Jerry starts to leave.

George: Where are you going?

Jerry: I'm going to be this guy's friend.

ojo otm

starting at about 1:30 in, once jerry gets off the phone (it's the "he took it out" bit)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f57YDEsyNSc

"oh it be..." love that scene

tippytoe

I was handcuffed to the bed, in my underwear, where I remained... She certainly seemed interested in me and though she was attractive, she was also in fact, a Nazi... The water I had been swimming in was very cold, and when I dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage... Her parents were looking at me. So there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.

In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man. Thank you.

Oh, also: my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. Thanks again.

The whole scene with Jerry in the confession booth, which unfortunately i couldn't find full on YT sorry.
And the end part with George appearing through the curtain

"That what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?"

xp - that's one of my favorite scenes, particularly the part with George where he says something like "I had a feeling you'd be here"

I always had a soft spot for "The Library", especially everything that Lt. Bookman says:

"Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again."

George just appears through the confession booth curtain and asks jerry a random question. It was a follow on gag from a previous scene in the same episode where George just randomly appears whilst Jerry is sat in the dentist chair.

personally I loved when the show started getting all weird and meta

The whole scene where George and Jerry "meet" each other after x number of years, so George can confirm that Jerry didn't get a head start in The
Big Race. Their whole exchange, from Jerry pretending not to recognize George, to their jabs at each other ("Boy, you really went bald there," "Do you do a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' stuff?") kills me.

Yeah that whole scene is gold

GEORGE: Oh, the big race.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Yes, yes,.

LOIS: You were there?

GEORGE: Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher.

DUNCAN: Miss Stafford?

GEORGE: Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . .

JERRY: George!

GEORGE: But I digress.

also pretty much everything Jackie Childs says is gold. pretty incredible how many great secondary and one-shot characters this show had.

yeah, i always loved the 'guy who loved the Desperado song' who elaine went out with. His strange attitude to Jerry in every scene was priceless, always thinking jerry was poor, and talking about Carl Farlman the furniture designer.

And then he meets jerry in the pissing rain, the guy is driving an expensive sports car and jerry has no umbrella and all his cheques for 12 cents are ruined by the rain.

"I'd give you lift, but I've got Carl Farlman with me"
"Thanks for stopping"

hahaha and i just remembered the scene straight after that

"he said you ran away from his like he was the boogedy man"
"i'm pretty sure its boogey man"

Just saw one with Puddy/Putty in it--the way he stares off into space, a man with absolutely no inner life, is really funny

And when Kramer has an intern, and gets hauled in by the intern's manager:

"As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise consists of a solitary man in a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken."

Did Seinfeld invent "C/D?"

Also, this makes me laugh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKoq6ZdRxJc

haha James, i watched that one last night too.

"so you're just gonna sit there, staring at the back of that chair?"
"yeah that's right"

"The Fix-up" was on last night, love the part where George is asking Jerry increasingly weird questions about this girl - "does she have a good cheek? I need a good cheek..."

i love jerry's responses in that scene. "good cheek. very nice cheek." or w/e

"Really very good and nice."

^^^^^^yessssssss

OTM

George: "Is she smart? Is she smarter than me? I don't want her to be smarter than me"
Jerry: "How could she be swarter than you"

smarter

it's notable that Jerry made a joke about her bulimia, and George kinda brushed it off, when we already know from a later episode that George is totally not okay with that.

Pipe down chorus boy.

and not a line but this will never not be hysterical

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg-TqEFYcfM

My two science classes were working on a handout today about the proper names for various kinds of life scientists. Marine biologist was on there, so we took a little 45-second detour as I described George and that woman walking along the beach.

i have a bad feeling whenever a lesbian look at me they think "that's why i'm not a heterosexual"

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2012/06/dingo-really-did-eat-the-baby-australia.html

IT'S JUST ORIGINAL, JERRY

"Jiffy Dump" haha

Is this a joke?!

That's what I like to know about it.

During hockey season I probably said "gotta support yr team" ala Puddy 50 times

I used the phrase "hot and heavy" last week and immediately flashed back to the entire "hot and heavy" plot with Elaine and the jazz musician.

I know my alleys

"Jerry, this is Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here, George is dead, call me back."

kramer: you let out one emotion, all the rest will come out with it. it's like endora's box!
jerry: that was the mother on "bewitched." you mean "pandora."
kramer: yeah, well...she had one, too.

xp from the same episode, when steinbrenner is telling the constanzas about george's death... frank is silent throughout until he let's loose with:

"What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for an arm, you don't know what the hell you're doin'!!"

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right!"