Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

Boss:"Ronan could you comb your hair next time you come to work"

Me:"eh in fairness the contract doesn't say anything about me having to comb my hair"

Boss:"yeah but I mean you're a student now yeah? this job isn't so bad. they look after you well, it's a good wage, I'm happy with my lot"

Me:"I don't think there's any chance of me ever working here for a living, long term"

Boss:"Yeah and they pay your health insurance, it's not too difficult a job either"

Me:"Yeah no I'm never going to want to work here, to be honest I was planning on quitting as soon as I start college, or maybe even sooner, you needn't tell the main boss that"

Boss:"Oh don't worry, whatever is discussed here stays here. *long David Brent style lecture* I know what it's like to work WITH people and AROUND people, and I know that this station is not being run as effectively as possible, it's a clique, and I'm sure you can see that too Ronan. But quitting isn't going to change that. You quitting will not make this a smoother operation.

Me:"Eh I don't care about this job, I'm not sure what your point is"

Boss:"All I'm saying is, think about what I've said to you yeah? Just think about it"

Me:"............ok"

CEBCWTJCW: Morning Rachel!!! Oooh! What have you done to your NOSE??

Me: What? Oh yeah, it's a spot.

CEBCWTJCW: No! You've cut yourself or something! It's really RED.

Me: No, really, it's just a big, shiny, noticeable spot.

CEBCWTJCW: It looks really BAD!

At this point I gave up all hope of having a good day.

Woman At Next Desk: Oh, you used to live in London? So did I. I moved back after my daughter started school and, to be honest, I'm really glad I did. The education you get in London is terrible.

Madchen: I've heard inner city schools are, er, challenging.

WAND: Oh yes. I mean, she was one of only three white faces in the class.

Madchen: Oh. (Mutters something under her breath about 1 in 4 Scots).

Office twats who preface statements with 'I'm not being funny' should recognise that everything following the phrase comes with its own virtual kill file.

My other suggestion would be to canvass other coworkers for a pizza delivery one Friday and exclude her blatantly.

I work in a room with two people. Person 1 said to me all the stuff I wrote above. She thought nothing of saying it to a stranger (the assumption, I guess, being that I would think the same). Person 2 laughed along merrily. Also, I have come across numerous people in Glasgow who tell me they get scared in London because there are so many black people around. Again, the way they express themselves implies they feel no sense of shame whatsoever - they just don't see there's anything wrong in expressing obviously prejudiced opinions.

I'm not denying for a second that racism doesn't exist elsewhere (and I'm not forgetting that the survey found 3 in 4 Scots aren't racist) but this is the only place I've encountered bigots who have the expectation that my opinion must be the same as theirs.

reply from me: "actually, on Friday we both determined that we had the wrong CD and would have to special order a new copy. On Monday."

reply from my boss: "There must have been some miscommunication here."

yeah, between your ears and your brain. moron!

What the fuck?

Despite the fact that she's obviously still pregnant.

However, I AM authorized to purchase them, however I want, whenever I want.

What does that even mean?

SUBJECT LINE: I gotta get outta this place
...if it's the last thing I ever do (feel free to hum along.)

After a delightful morning spent discussing why someone:
1. Shouldn't open a printer paperfeed drawer, while the printer is printing;
2. Shouldn't send emails to everyone on their mailing lists about Church-related emails;
3. Should let others know when they need the printer instead of deleting documents in the queue;
4. Shouldn't tell someone "this is urgent" so they work really late to get it finished, when really, it isn't urgent at all and in fact, doesn't need to be done at all; and
5. Shouldn't take someone else's lunch from the refrigerator and leave it on the counter to make room for "extra drinks in case we have visitors,"
I have now experienced the conversation to top them all (and really, you have to laugh at this one. I did. Once I calmed down, imbibed chocolate and nicotine, and thought "well, at least it's not quantum physics?). So....here it is:

A Dialogue between "M" (yours truly) and "S" (Otherwise known as Scarett/Princess/Arch Nemesis/The Scarf Lady/etc.)
S: Hey "M"!
M: Yes?
S: You know how to work that digital camera yet?
M: Yeah, figured it out last week.
S: How long does it take to get those photos developed?
M: What?
S: I need some photos really fast, so I can photocopy them and make notes on the back. And get duplicates too, in case they get messed-up.
M: What? What pictures do you need taken?
S: I need to you take pictures of my computer.
M: Why?
S: I need to know what's on my computer.
M: (sigh) You are looking for a file?
S: No, I need to know what is on my screen thing.
M: (dawning awareness) You need screen captures?
S: No, I need pictures of my computer.
M: For....?
S: I need to know what's on my screen, 'cause these instructions don't make sense and I want to make notes.
M: Okay, then you need a picture of the information on your screen, that you can print and add notes to?
S: Yes.
M: Okay, we don't need the camera for that. We can just do screen captures. It's easy.
(M walks over to other office, taking deep and soothing breathes all the while, and explains how to "CTRL+ALT+PrtScn" - runs into trouble with explanation of holding down all keys at the same time. Eventually resolved and screen is captured.)
M: Now open Word and set the page to ?Landscape.?
S: My computer won't do that.
M: What? Yes it will.
(M goes through brief discussion of "portrait" vs "landscape" and how to perform operation in Word. Discovers part of problem is that S doesn?t know how to open Word because the icon isn?t on her desktop.)
M: Now just hit "Shift+Insert" and your screen shot will be inserted.
M: No, you need to hold down both keys at the same time.
M: I don't know, that's just the way the program is designed.
M: Yeah, it is find of frustrating.
M: Okay, now you have it. Just insert a new page for each of the next screen captures and then print the file.
(M returns to own desk and gets back into rhythm of formatting proposal.)
S: M! It isn't working. I want you to take the pictures for me.
M: I don't have time to take the pictures right now, I have to get this back to _____.
S: Well, I don't have the time to use the camera, so I guess this won't get done and _____ will be mad.
M: Yeah, I guess ___ will be mad, but I'll explain the problem to him.
S: Can't you do these thingys for me?
M: No, not right now. I have to get this done.
S: You know, it's your job to do this.
M: No, actually it isn't. I am sorry, but I really can't do it right now. If I have time later I'll come over and see what we can do. In the meantime, why don't you look under the "Help" menu to see if those instructions are better.
S: Oh, my computer doesn't have any "Help" on it. I keep telling ____ he needs to fix it, but he won't.

(M decides, for sake of sanity, to not try and figure out what that last comment means and returns to her editing, swearing all the while.)
End of original email.

And here are additional interesting tidbits about ?S?:
She claimed on her resume to be ?Microsoft Certified,? but was unable to explain what that meant;
She wrote all of her correspondence in Excel, because she didn?t know how to open Word (the icon wasn?t on her desktop);
When she came into work each morning, she made herself a pot of tea and sat in her cubicle reading household decorating magazines and drinking tea for the first two hours: and, best of all
She was once asked to provide a file that she had finished working on to another co-worker. The file was not on her hard drive for, as she explained, she ?didn?t want to fill it up with things? (and it was a 20 G HD!) File was eventually determined, by her, to be on a floppy. But floppy was blank when co-worker opened it. Eventually ?S? showed supervisor where she stored all of her floppys containing important info. She was attaching them to the metal parts of her cubicle with large magnets, so she ?could always find them.?

~ Laura (who is thankful that she can claim to be a happy rat, that abandoned the sinking ship in time to move to a much cushier and affluent ship, and is now ridiculously happy with things)

I've met a few people who have done basic "computer literacy" courses at colleges and Adult Ed. places who do this. What seems to happen is: the college says "don't store your files on the hard drive [of our lab computers], use a floppy" and the person absorbs this without understanding *why* they're being told it.

These sort of courses always seem to produce people who can't do anything except exactly what was on the course, and then only if their computer is set up exactly like the college ones were. Hence, not being able to start Word if it doesn't have a desktop icon.

(of course, the other stuff shows that this person seems to be a fuckwit regardless of that)

The ex-receptionist at my office once printed out an email so she could type it up in Word.

it's a sappy day.

1. "What does agriculture mean?"

2. "I was so annoyed. Someone threw themselves under my tube yesterday. People that do that must be mad."

3. Me: "Just tell them to put the web address in and it will take them straight into the site."

Her: "What address? Their address?"

Other things he did: worked at his cube standing up (making everyone around him very tense), unbuttoned his shirts halfway down his chest, commented on every phone conversation I had (work related or not), talked to himself, and played horrible CD-Rs of cabaret tunes he wrote and produced. I think the whole experience inoculated me against ever being annoyed by co-workers again.

Unfortunately something this stupid is uttered in my office at least once a day...

xp sorry I thought you wanted that, but play on, play on

I have a lot of information about what devices are installed at a certain mouse-governed theme park due to their continued confusion and have yet to determine what to do with it.

Please note that utility data for the entire campus is also included. This was the only data made available with the application, and in order to accurately estimate and verify savings, individual building meter data will need to be obtained from the campus.

I have quite a common name and get a lot of Gmail meant for other people: medical details, flight tickets etc., which I guess is often the result of people entering their own email addresses wrongly when they place the order. Who does that?

loads of people it seems

I get gmails for some guy in Wisconsin who buys a deer-hunting license every year, some guy in Ireland who does something to do with horse racing, timesheets for a temp worker in the midlands (that was a bit of a weird one, since I am from the midlands and my namesake was working not far from where I grew up)

I used to reply telling them but it doesn't make any difference, they just keep on coming.

So I work in the nonprofit division of a company that, by and large, handles for-profit business. The primary email address I monitor consists entirely of the word 'nonprofit' before the @. Not a lot of ambiguity there. So when I regularly receive emails that are like 'yeah hi would you be interested in this retail auto parts franchise' I have to wonder what people think 'nonprofit' means. Or if they've ever given it any thought. Or if they think. Gag me. With a spoon.

i get a lot of misdirected emails to my personal address and when I reply to say "you've got the wrong email address" the usual response is "well this is the one you/your colleague/Todd gave to me, which one am I supposed to use???"

― kinder, Friday, December 20, 2019 3:27 AM bookmarkflaglink

Lol "don't you tell me you're not the right person!" always blows my mind. i have a dude at work whose name is exactly the same as mine, sans three letters (first and last) so the same would sometimes happen to me.

So they'd email me when they wanted him and I'd say "you really mean this guy" and give them the right contact and they go WELL MY BOSS TOLD ME YOU WERE THE PERSON.

"I think i know who I am, athankyou"

You think. Which means you can't say for sure.

C'mon. Stop fuckin' with me, Neondirtpal.

My boss is trying to convince my coworker to buy the business bc she wants to retire

She wants $250k

The company hasn’t made a profit in years

She has been loaning the business money each year for years

How does she think my coworker could get a loan to buy a unprofitable business?

A couple weeks ago coworker told me she had a meeting set up with boss so she could present a business proposal (let coworker run the business for a year, split profits, pay boss a salary*, boss doesn’t have to do anything, see if coworker can make the business work before committing to purchase). Coworker is surprised bc boss says she also has a business proposal.

Coworker comes back from meeting and when I ask what boss’ proposal was she says 0_o boss suggested a new way of merchandising the stores 0_o

That was her bUsinESs pRopOsaL

*boss has not been paying herself a salary for years. We recently got audited.

Boss has somehow kept this v badly run business afloat for 40 yrs
NB her side hustle is landlord to several properties in the Bay Area and New Zealand

Some people have weird ass vanity businesses. it's so strange. I had a friend that asked if I would take her daytime shifts in a small, typical trendy boutique in the east village for two weeks ( I did not work there at all and supposedly the owner was fine with her asking whoever for two weeks). There were some days not a single person would come in. I think I sold 4 things the entire time I was there. The owner did not seem bothered.

Oh my boss goes hard out with this business and is v invested in it, she’s just not good at it

I know there are a myriad of reasons those businesses exist, especially ones that are very boutique and sell $$ over short periods to moneyed clients or are a hobby for a rich person, but my go-to thought is always money laundering

She could never work for anyone so she had to go into business for herself. She has a v scatterbrained approach to everything and constantly contradicts herself. The only reason she’s managed this long (apart from injecting more outside money into it every year) is bc we have little competition

I always think it's a money laundering front too. xpost

I always liked how Rice to Riches was set up to launder money and then it unexpectedly became a successful business. That was rice pudding was really good. I think there was a pizza place front in blyn too that unexpectedly became really popular too.

I did not know that about Rice to Riches.
Should've guessed something was dodgy; they serve COLD rice pudding.

I only like cold rice pudding!

cold rice pudding is extremely common ime

especially if not made at home, like nearly any Greek or Turkish or Lebanese takeaway place will have tubs of it in the drinks fridge to grab and go

I'm like 94% convinced that our CEO is some sort of warlock who feeds on the cognitive capacity of anyone who works for or with us. As if my dumb ass alone isn't evidence of that theory.

― i was so hungry that i ate a hole cake entirely to myself (Old Lunch)

on december 19, 2019, old lunch discovered the secret of capitalism

PLEASE stop your loud + impassioned discussion about the panoply of delicious foodstuffs on the McDonald's menu. PLEASE. Can you seriously not see my soul wrenching itself free from my body?

moving to a new even-more-open office next week— like i think we’re just sitting next to each other at tables or something

stoked for the intimacy

I hate it. I hate it so, so much. Like I don't care what point I am in the process, if I'm ever interviewing for a different job and discover that they've been infected with this open office insanity I am OUT.

And almost as if on cue, desk drumming begins from two rows behind me, with an unrestrained force + volume that might almost be comical under other circumstances.

How about instead of an open office we go for soundproofed cages. How about that.

don't move to the UK, pretty much all offices are open offices. I've never worked in one that wasn't. at my current job not even the CEO has their own office. they just sit at a bank of desks next to the one my team sits at

I'm sure there are more interactive work circumstances where such a layout is beneficial and makes sense but a workspace where people are largely just trying to concentrate on their own shit while contending with a smattering of hosebeasts with inadequate self-control is not among those circumstances.

I doubt it tbh. it's about cost-saving, not making work better. office space costs money

(Apologies, did not realize the antiquated slang term 'hosebeast' is apparently a gendered insult. Mine is an equal opportunity ire directed at anyone across the spectrum who logs into their work station and proceeds to behave as if they're at a foam party.)

Came in today to teach a 13 person class..five showed up. Seems six of the eight no-shows were pulled from the class (with nobody telling us), two that were terminated (with nobody telling us).

The only reason we had two classes today was because mine was supposed to have 13. We could have just folded this into one class.

So the class is now down to two people because they found out four of the six had already taken the class (how nobody figured this out before now is beyond me). Two is below the minimum requirements for a class.

The only reason I'm salty about it is it's 8 hours of talking, but if they'd told us in advance, we could have had one class and two of us could have shared it, giving me a break now and then.

Also who schedules training around New Years ffs

moving to a new even-more-open office next week — like i think we’re just sitting next to each other at tables or something

fucking loud in here, and not because anyone in particular is being loud, but just that there are so many people and so little to absorb the sound

at least there's free selzer on tap i guess

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FUCK OFF EPIC GAMES.

...sorry this was better for the missent email thread I guess lol

sending out emails with a Keep Calm and Carry On theme, what year is this?

where does neighboring co-worker refusing to use a mousepad rank on the list of crimes?

CLACK.... CLACK... CLAAAAACK

I don't think I've seen a mousepad in about 15 years, do they even exist any more??

Deicide sells one

I'm using a mousepad right now - its filthy

Someone was trimming their nails in a bathroom stall this morning. Whether fingers or toes, I couldn't say, but at this point I just assume whatever makes the least goddamn sense.

so ppl just scrape the mouse on their desks all day? what a world.

I actually use a little blackboard for a mousepad, and have a little tiny nail affixed to the bottom of my mouse. Works beautifully!

i have a mousepad with a picture of a puppy on it and i have a cordless mouse. much better mouse situation than in any of my previous jobs

These are only 8 euros!
https://www.seventhrecords.com/en/various-collectibles-37/magma-mouse-pad-1285.html

https://www.seventhrecords.com/en/upload/magma-rouge-noir-print-f54zty.jpg

sorry bit big there

I use the trackpad cos i have a lapper

Jesus Christ thats huge!

Thanks I use Extenz

lol, stop

Tho at first for some reason I thought it was the mark of the Empire from STar War