Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

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🙃🙃🙃 wassup y'all? i'm so happy we're all here. lots of years between the lot of you. friends, lovers, cuties welcome. 🐙🐙🐙

Swen, Friday, 18 March 2022 19:19 (two years ago) link

Bump.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Friday, 18 March 2022 20:17 (two years ago) link

feeling mighty real tbh

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:20 (two years ago) link

great title swen, can i call you swenny henny?

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:21 (two years ago) link

y'all I just spent 4 days in Boston w my new "friend" and it was soooo nice, we seem to really enjoy each other's company and he was v cuddly and affectionate and it just felt v lovely to have like easy uncomplicated intimacy, also while I was there I bought a golden fork to keep in my office for work lunches and I am irrationally excited abt it, it is truly so cunt

this weekend I am performing in a Kate Bush revue thing called N1ght of 1000 K4tes, it is going to be v fun (it's in its 8th year and I have attended all but the v first one and this will be my 2nd time performing!!!), it is one of my v favorite things abt Philly, every year is like going to summer camp and seeing all your friends

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jK7dW8Jf74

Stevie D(eux), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:21 (two years ago) link

lmao at having a golden fork, it's completely perfect and now i want one. kate bush community theater sounds lovely.

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:28 (two years ago) link

it's got like a sanded matte finish instead of a high-gloss sheen, I really love it

Stevie D(eux), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:31 (two years ago) link

it's actually my friend's performance/idea and I'm just one of the performers, but it's like, about covid??? (which I'm not thrilled abt but I love my friend and am happy to contrib), it's like a sound collage based on "Aerial" (which I tbh am thrilled abt) and there's like, dancers in the audience, and mirrory things on the stage reflecting back on the audience, and there's like, contemplation and one-ness and survival and stuff I think

Stevie D(eux), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:32 (two years ago) link

that's sooo cool and I'm jelly. I just listened to Aerial the other day. my introduction to ILX!

Swen, Friday, 18 March 2022 20:35 (two years ago) link

so I have had my own idea for YEARS that I have told several ppl abt and have gotten a good response to and I think I am going to finally finally try to pull it off next year, I think I have maybe even talked abt it on here somewhere, but the song is this v inexplicable house remix of "Rubberband Girl" and the performance is a complete ripoff of UNZIPPED (1995) where it will be a fashion show and there will be all sorts of zany chaos and hijinks backstage but w like perfect immaculate runway walks the second they come out from behind the curtain, the performance has nothing to do w the music but maybe I'll get some LIVESTRONG bracelets made and throw them into the crowd idk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KII-OXV86c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFBc4rXKkTU

Stevie D(eux), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:37 (two years ago) link

AERIAL is honestly the best Kate Bush album

Stevie D(eux), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:38 (two years ago) link

also it is a bit $$$ (20 of them to be exact) but they are selling tickets for the livestream tomorrow night at 8:30! https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Night-of1000Kates/470113?afflky=UndergroundArts

Stevie D(eux), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:39 (two years ago) link

stevie i still have that KB shirt you sent me! it's a lil snug on me atm but whenever i wear it ppl always ask about it

donna rouge, Friday, 18 March 2022 20:39 (two years ago) link

omg mine too is a lil snug, I forget which one I sent you but the one I have has her face on it and my belly makes it fold in half so that it makes her look like that one picture of Aphex Twin

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/da/Aphex_Twin_-_Syro_main_press_photo.jpg

Stevie D(eux), Friday, 18 March 2022 20:43 (two years ago) link

you sent me the glow in the dark one (which amazingly still works after probably dozens of laundry cycles)

donna rouge, Friday, 18 March 2022 20:49 (two years ago) link

I just watched unzipped recently and it was so good. also did you know there's a sister documentary called catwalk that basically follows Christy Turlington all over the world?
pretty awful what's going on with Linda Evangelista. she just released the first body pics of her condition due to coolsculpting. unimaginable.

Swen, Saturday, 19 March 2022 17:47 (two years ago) link

I was sad to miss Kates. Heard my friend Anna blew it outta the park, and saw the wacky inflatable Cathy and Heathcliff blow-up piece on film. Looked like a really fun time, but we had planned a dinner months ago with our gay friends, one of whom is going through a health scare...so it seemed more important to hang out with them.

I finished "Detransition, Baby," yesterday, and while I thought it ended much too quickly, I thought it had some really lovely moments.

we need outrage! we need dicks!! (the table is the table), Monday, 21 March 2022 14:57 (two years ago) link

hope your friend is hanging in there <3

Swen, Monday, 21 March 2022 20:01 (two years ago) link

xp y0ung?? she fuckin KILLED it (as per usual). I hope they post a recording of the livestream.

Stevie D(eux), Tuesday, 22 March 2022 02:46 (two years ago) link

I've been listening to a lot of RuTH lately 🌄🌄🌄

Swen, Tuesday, 22 March 2022 04:20 (two years ago) link

yes Stevie, that Ann4

we need outrage! we need dicks!! (the table is the table), Tuesday, 22 March 2022 14:15 (two years ago) link

o boy what a life we lead really

Swen, Wednesday, 23 March 2022 23:14 (two years ago) link

so I'm not sure when the next time I'll "meet" someone is, let's call it, due to extenuating circumstances

do i care?

will i ever go out to a bar and pick someone up again? i had occasional game. all of a sudden I'd love to meet someone younger than me. i usually don't gravitate to that realm. i wonder what that's about

Swen, Wednesday, 23 March 2022 23:35 (two years ago) link

you will absolutely go out to a bar and pick someone up again, it is so inevitable

Stevie D(eux), Saturday, 26 March 2022 16:53 (two years ago) link

Date tonight. At a (rooftop) bar. I shoulda asked if he's jabbed.

So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, 26 March 2022 18:22 (two years ago) link

first date? how did you meet? brown hair, big heart, bat eyelashes?

you know Stevie it's just at first it was pandemia, and then health stuff that's going to take another 6 months to settle. just didn't realize I'd be singing the same tune for the goddamn 3-year dark ages. but whatever i'm going to get so many beauty treatments when this is all through I plan on looking like Princess Jasmine meets Bella Hadid. mark my words.

also i quit smoking forever and it's truly something else. going on 6 months.

Swen, Sunday, 27 March 2022 14:15 (two years ago) link

my new issue of BUTT just arrived!!!!!!!!!

Stevie D(eux), Wednesday, 30 March 2022 21:57 (two years ago) link

omg i already read some of the poems
how is it at large?

Swen, Thursday, 31 March 2022 17:23 (two years ago) link

is it large?

So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Thursday, 31 March 2022 17:23 (two years ago) link

C'mon Simone, let's talk about your big "but."

Max Hamburgers (Eric H.), Thursday, 31 March 2022 17:28 (two years ago) link

I haven't read it yet bcz I got it at work and then *brag alert* went straight to my fuck buddy's house for a cute date and only just got home a few hours ago!!!

Stevie D(eux), Thursday, 31 March 2022 18:58 (two years ago) link

butts all around

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:17 (two years ago) link

butts rule everything around me

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:17 (two years ago) link

OK SO
I'm not a butt man and i keep feeling more and more alone
like American men are just obsessed with them
i feel like there's something wrong with me

Swen, Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:25 (two years ago) link

Stevo you're killin it these days

Swen, Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:27 (two years ago) link

don't care about the outside, it's what's inside that counts imo

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:28 (two years ago) link

like the way it feels?

Swen, Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:34 (two years ago) link

yeah! i mean not to get too tmi or too cliche i guess but i just think anuses are this incredible part of us lol and i really like experiencing them.

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:40 (two years ago) link

So! My Saturday night date sold me out. I suspected trouble when I had to text him 15 mins before meeting: he was running late thanks to a "minor emergency" at his parents', whatever that means (what's a "minor" emergency?). Luckily a friend kept me company at the bar.

An hour later, date texts: "On my way, send location address plz?" That's the last I heard of him. For a while I thought he died -- until I saw a an Instagram post Sunday morning.

He's 24, a former student who emailed me four years after class to ask about getting a beer or coffee. On determining he was queer he gushed: he praised my self-assurance, brains, looks, etc. We might've met that night had I not plans already. It's worth noting I barely remember this kid in summer 2018.

I wonder if simply not showing up is a phenomenon of the young?

So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:41 (two years ago) link

Anusii are a cliche?

Max Hamburgers (Eric H.), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:41 (two years ago) link

that sucks. definitely hit next. it's been a phenomenon of the young and old as long as i've been dating tbh. xp

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:44 (two years ago) link

Yeah, I wanted to avoid generational generalization, but a few viejos noted The Vanishing has been more prevalent in the last four years.

I've ghosted more than my share, I should note.

So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Thursday, 31 March 2022 19:47 (two years ago) link

I have never done this, to my knowledge?

we need outrage! we need dicks!! (the table is the table), Thursday, 31 March 2022 22:30 (two years ago) link

me eiths it's dumb
I'm too polite though

Swen, Friday, 1 April 2022 01:32 (two years ago) link

wassup homieslice

Swen, Saturday, 2 April 2022 18:01 (two years ago) link

good morning!

So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, 2 April 2022 18:02 (two years ago) link

Mornin' sunshine!
What's on the platter?

Swen, Saturday, 2 April 2022 18:03 (two years ago) link

I'm vegetarian tonight.

So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, 2 April 2022 18:21 (two years ago) link

sexually or culinarily?

Swen, Sunday, 3 April 2022 00:00 (two years ago) link

Lady Bracknell : Well, both, if necessary, I presume!

So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Sunday, 3 April 2022 00:11 (two years ago) link

I had an enormous crush on Joshua Jackson when he played Pacey on Dawsons

― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, March 19, 2024 4:50 PM (five hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

omg agree so hard
the only guy who could rock a tommy bahama shirt every day of the week and still be totally dreamy, like instead of awful it's endearingly awful

Deflatormouse, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 02:34 (one month ago) link

hawaiian shirts are like tv shorthand for "loveable sidekick" right? but also they made him talk like george clooney

the thing with a lot of these tv heartthrob guys is they look great with their mouths closed but as soon as you hear them talk thr str8 dude energy is such a turn off... but josh is actually very quick witted and charming

Deflatormouse, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 02:37 (one month ago) link

ugh he's almost a real one you're right

Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 06:58 (one month ago) link

so i might need to add a semi colon to this thread - at the beginning of the thread title - that ok with everyone?

Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 16:38 (one month ago) link

strike that it might not be necessary

Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 18:35 (one month ago) link

he went so deep it was semi colon

he/him hoo-hah (map), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 21:51 (one month ago) link

oh jesus

Swen, Wednesday, 20 March 2024 22:02 (one month ago) link

lol

Cemetry Gaetz (DJP), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 23:23 (one month ago) link

:]

he/him hoo-hah (map), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 23:57 (one month ago) link

err ;]

he/him hoo-hah (map), Wednesday, 20 March 2024 23:58 (one month ago) link

i was complaining to my lesbian friends about there being no word that's equivalent to "sapphic" (a woman who's attracted to women)

and one of them was all "Surely there is a man who was living on a Greek island who wrote lots of poetry about loving men we can use for the word"

i'm not super knowledgeable about ancient greek history but the word "alexandric" came to mind

what are y'all's thoughts

Kate (rushomancy), Thursday, 21 March 2024 19:16 (one month ago) link

The word is Uranian, but it’s historically associated with pederasty iirc, co-opted by some English poets

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uranians

Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 21 March 2024 20:34 (one month ago) link

yeah, uranian is... a complicated one. the pederasty thing particularly.

---

One of my friends was moving her old stuff out of storage and she came across some quarter-century old letters from her best friend at the time. He was bi, but mostly casually hooked up with other guys... in one of his letters he complained about "faggy divas on estrogen". (He's dead now, of course.) A couple of years ago I might have been offended at being described, by extension, as a "faggy diva". These days I mostly wish I'd been faggier. Before I started estrogen, I wasn't into guys the way I am now. I crushed on guys a lot, but I never knew what to do with those crushes. There was always this implicit expectation of sex.. which for me is something... like, I remember wishing when I was younger that fellatio was acceptable as a common courtesy, something one did to be polite. Like a handshake. I wasn't ever really involved in spaces where I was able to suck off guys in that way. Plus there was the whole comphet thing. Guys were into me and I wasn't able to admit to myself or communicate to them that I kinda liked them, I thought they were cute. In my head it was "Jeez, I wish I was gay, then I'd really be into this guy." On top of that there was the whole self-esteem thing, where I couldn't imagine anybody possibly finding me attractive.

-

That's the past, though... I got enough problems dating now. It's mostly the suicide thing. Like, I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm able to manage my chronic suicidality better than I've ever been able to. My last bout of suicidality, I was able to manage that without, like, doing serious damage to any of my relationships. That's always been a sticking point in my relationships... what happens when I get suicidal? And I've finally reached a point where that fear isn't hanging like a shadow over every relationship I have, every relationship I consider. Nah, it's more that everybody in my dating pool is suicidal.

It just makes things rough. It just seems endemic. Like, not even as a queer thing. Even straight people I know are suicidal a lot of the time. I definitely get it. Things are pretty bad right now, very nearly hopeless, and everyone I know talks about... being determined to love in spite of that. It's brave, it's defiant, and it's just... fucking hard. When everybody is like that, hookups, hookups are possible. Casual sex. That's very doable. I'm also just really not into that. Serious long-term relationships...

My girlfriend keeps telling me that she's interested in doing things with me, that she's attracted to me, that she's looking forward to the BDSM, uh, thing we have tickets for next weekend. And also she hates her body, and she hates herself, and I'm not sure how intimacy beyond cuddling is going to happen while she feels that way about herself. For me to be attracted to her doesn't do anything to change that. We're both at a point where we know that other people finding a person attractive is no substitute for that person finding themselves attractive.

It just complicates a situation that's already pretty complicated. I can't make any plans with anyone. I've got the cold that's going around or they've got the cold that's going around or they have to take care of the kids or the real estate company is fucking them around, and if it's not that, then they're having a bout of SI.

I'm honestly thinking about getting into more long-distance stuff. Like, online only. Intimacy with another person... physical acts are a very small part of that. I get a rush from talking to people with similar kinks to mine online that I don't really get from dating people in person. Maybe a couple times a year they could visit or I could visit and we could do some hot stuff for a weekend and then go back to yearning. I really like yearning. I can't imagine being in a relationship that isn't bittersweet, in some sense, if only because the way I think about myself, about my own life, is bittersweet. I've been watching this anime based on an old dating sim called "Sentimental Journey", and it's really interesting. It doesn't follow the story of the visual novel at all - the protagonist isn't in the anime. Instead, it's just twelve self-contained stories of who I assume are the girls in the dating sim, each one talking about their first love, the person they loved before the protagonist of the dating sim came into their life. Those are the kinds of romance stories I like. The ones that don't end with "happily ever after".

Maybe that's part of why I have so much trouble dating. Even when things are just beginning, I'm always anticipating the ending.

Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 22 March 2024 11:30 (one month ago) link

Kate, do you save these posts after cobbling them together over the course of a day, afternoon, or evening? Your pace astounds me.

poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Friday, 22 March 2024 11:51 (one month ago) link

these days everything i write starts out as a journal entry

i started a journal around the beginning of '19, do something long enough and it sort of becomes second nature i guess. the dialectical behavior therapy thing i just finished has helped me a lot. i got a lot of shit to work through and writing helps me do it

a lot of the stuff i write doesn't wind up getting posted... i find that when journaling about my experiences writing for an audience helps me express myself better. the best way of learning something is to try and explain it to others, that's what i've found. and if i'm doing that, i figure, you know, if something interesting comes out of that, it's only fair to share what i come up with with the audience i have in mind, even if ultimately i'm writing for myself

i know it seems like a lot, but sam pepys did, like, a million words over the course of ten years... i'm not even close to that pace, even with the stuff i don't post

a lot of it is probably also that i do spend a lot of time by myself. i'm hardly a hikikomori, but i live by myself, i work from home, i don't drive... even with a reasonably full social schedule i probably don't spend more than about 10 hours a week in the social company of other people

writing helps fill the void, as it were. helps keep me comfortable in my own head.

Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 22 March 2024 12:13 (one month ago) link

word

poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Friday, 22 March 2024 12:54 (one month ago) link

one of my friends says the word is "achillean" btw

just makes me think of that bob dylan song lol

hungry like a man in drag

you know i want your lovin'
honey, but you're so hard

but probably most people wouldn't have that reaction

Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 22 March 2024 13:54 (one month ago) link

oo i like 'achillean'

he/him hoo-hah (map), Monday, 25 March 2024 19:51 (four weeks ago) link

i finished a song!

Swen, Thursday, 28 March 2024 05:27 (three weeks ago) link

tell us about it!

butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Thursday, 28 March 2024 11:05 (three weeks ago) link

like i think it's not that bad. i'm going back to a light rock thing, which i left like in high school but am feeling much more than poppy sounds these days. i've been listening to a LOT of grunge (it's not a grunge song lol, just saying.) that's my story! what have you been listening to t3ddy

Swen, Thursday, 28 March 2024 15:43 (three weeks ago) link

that’s cool! i love grunge.

i have been listening to Poco, Slikback, old goa trance mixes, and a lot of Karen Dalton

butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Thursday, 28 March 2024 18:04 (three weeks ago) link

spring makes my listening habits deeply weird, every year

butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Thursday, 28 March 2024 18:05 (three weeks ago) link

spring is a very special season. so much opportunity, it feels like. can you tell me more about karen dalton?

Swen, Friday, 29 March 2024 06:21 (three weeks ago) link

i feel really bad about this kink convention i'm supposed to be going to. trying to... process some complex emotions. and what's coming up for me right now is disgust

and i mean it's not the kind of disgust people usually talk about in terms of kink. i mean no i'm fine with that. more than fine, really, a lot of this stuff is stuff that i would like to do, like, a lot

nah what disgusts me is... like, people say over and over again "kink is not abuse", and after what i've seen in the last year... a lot of the people who say that, they don't actually know what abuse looks like. _i_ don't actually know what abuse looks like. like, if i want my ass beat and somebody beats my ass, _that's_ not abuse. some people think it is, and in that sense, it's important to say that it's not. if those people are disgusted with me, that's their problem

it's the same thing with me, the disgust i feel towards the way people behave in the kink scene here is my problem

i'm experimenting with using kink as a form of self-harm. a lot of people around me use sex as a form of self-harm. i don't do that personally. pre-transition i guess sex was a form of self-harm for me. everybody told me it was supposed to feel good and it did, but it also felt _very bad_ because of the dysphoria. but i felt, like, biologically compelled to do this thing that i hated and that made me feel bad. if i didn't, i kept thinking about things that disturbed me (like, femme shit, that stuff's actually normal but i didn't feel that way at the time), and i would also get irritable and angry from the testosterone. it felt like purging. like cumming felt like vomiting out of my cock. (is there a hardcore band called "cock vomit"? i guess there is now.) i guess that's how i'd describe my experience, i mean, on some level vomiting feels good, you know? but it's not _pleasant_.

anyway when i talk about kink as a form of self-harm, i mean it in the same way that people use sex as a form of self-harm. like sex isn't _bad_, clearly, just like kink isn't _bad_. i've learned that there are all kinds of ways to do self-harm that... people get concerned about you when you do certain things, but if you don't do those things... i guess people are still concerned, but they're disempowered. self-harm is basically a hostile act, when i do it at least. i feel a lot of disgust towards other people, other people whose behavior hurts me, whose behavior serves as a really significant barrier to me getting what i want, and my response to that is fuck you, i can hurt myself way worse than you can hurt me.

i've had people talk about, like, when they have the urge to self-harm snapping their wrist with a rubber band, and like it's not a question of whether one self-harms or not, it's about _how_ one self-harms, right? wrist-cutting isn't socially acceptable; snapping my wrist with a rubber band is. if i fuck up my bobos (i'm gonna leave that typo), if i honk on my bobos with a cane, that's acceptable, right? because i can just say "i like pain".

that's the complicated thing. i _do_ like pain. and sometimes that's healthy, and sometimes that's not. and it's not easy for me to tell the difference, always.

and these motherfuckers out here saying "kink is not abuse", like it's that fucking simple.

Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 29 March 2024 10:33 (three weeks ago) link

ok there's not a band called "cock vomit", but there's an act that put out a cassette called "cock vomit", and of course it's some fucking power electronics bullshit. god, i hate power electronics. edgelordy bullshit.

Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 29 March 2024 10:36 (three weeks ago) link

swen, you would love Karen Dalton. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsYHN7eCCtU

butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Friday, 29 March 2024 11:02 (three weeks ago) link

I definitely had a "power bottom" phase, lasted about a year. I don't know where it came from. I've always enjoyed bottomming but this was ridiculous. Getting fisted, getting DP'd, I was all in. I had (and still have) a ridiculous dildo collection, some real doozies. I kept my anus pliant and whistle-clean. I could take any cock, anywhere, "no loads refused", as they'd say.

It was not really an expression of self-harm, but it was a kind of a severance package for the end of an abusive relationship. I'd been being pressured for 2.5 years into "being OK" with a boyfriend who was sexually abusive. Suddenly being out of that awful relationship made me just want to get fucked into the ground. So I got fucked into the ground. And then I started dating somebody who wasn't abusive. And my life is blissful and, comparatively, boring. (That's the problem with abusive boyfriends, they're always so... interesting.)

Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 29 March 2024 14:16 (three weeks ago) link

wish i could still get fucked but i also bounced on a lot of dick back in my day so i feel okay about it

butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Friday, 29 March 2024 17:47 (three weeks ago) link

i am also, tbh, a great top

butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Friday, 29 March 2024 17:47 (three weeks ago) link

I know there are some people who are into those... I couldn't remember what the brand is called, so I had to google "bad dildos" and sure enough it came right up. Bad Dragon.

I see a lot of trans women go through what a lot of us call our "slut era". I tried, by God. I really tried. I don't know how it is for other people, but yeah, for me, it does have a lot to do with getting out of an abusive relationship. My ex-wife emotionally and sexually abused me, and it's taken a _long_ fucking time for me to accept or come to terms with that as much as I have. When we broke up, I'd never _been_ in a relationship with someone else.

It took me a year to get with anyone else and when I did it kind of became this folie a deux thing. I guess if I really want to get into it it's this relationship that overshadows everything else. She's a great person and all but holy fuck she is _not_ a low-drama person. She spent the first few months of our relationship getting fucked by anybody she could in order to try and prove to herself she was _worth_ fucking. It doesn't seem to have worked. She resents me for not meeting her intimacy needs. I don't meet her intimacy needs because one of my boundaries is that she needs to _ask_. I refuse to mind-read, particularly not when it comes to sex, particularly given that she has a really really hard time saying "no". I'm not going to be intimate with someone who lacks the self-confidence to say "no". To me, that's not really consensual.

She keeps pressuring me to find another partner because she keeps feeling "pressured" sexually by me. We haven't been intimate in six months. We cuddle. That's it. We barely even see each other once a week. I'm beyond "desperately thirsty" and am into full-on spinster, and now I'm supposed to go to this kink convention and... it just reminds me. Reminds me of all the love I want, all the love I deserve, all the love that I have never had for more than, like, a weekend, a honeymoon. She hates herself. She hates her body. She's at a weight where she can barely get around. I'm genuinely worried that she could have a myocardial infarction any day now. I gave her $20,000 to get off my couch in the hopes that it would, I don't know. Allow her to have the stable, healthy life I felt like she deserved. It didn't. No amount of money could. The money means nothing to me. The disappointment in watching her flail over and over and over again... that does hurt. A lot.

Most of the time being with her lets me avoid thinking about how painful it is for me, not having the support and care that comes with a loving intimate relationship. She gets upset when I talk about how lonely I am, and she's not _there_ for me, hasn't been _there_ for me for more than the occasional cuddle for six months now.

Well, if not her, than who? I went to this new years' eve party with all of the people I used to know before my folie a deux relationship with my GF burned those bridges and it's not like... they're not actually doing any better than I am. I stood there, sober and lonely, while I watched a bunch of people fucked up on all kinds of drugs desperately making out with each other. They were all extremely hot and extremely miserable. It was awkward. I'm just fucking trying to not be miserable. When it comes to relationships, I don't know how to do that. I'm 48 years old and I've _never had a healthy relationship in my entire life_. I love myself. I think I'm a wonderful person who has a lot to offer in a relationship. Where do I find people who have something to offer _me_?

Kate (rushomancy), Friday, 29 March 2024 18:18 (three weeks ago) link

That breaks my heart, Kate!! I want you to have a healthy relationship!!

I am lucky, most of my exes are amazing people. Even actually the shitty awful ex, he is shitty and awful but he’s kinda amazing in other ways, I don’t ever wanna see him again but I don’t hate him in any respect.

Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 29 March 2024 19:01 (three weeks ago) link

idk i'm having kind of a shit weekend

i feel like going out with my friends would really help me get my mind off my breakup with my girlfriend, really lighten my mood

i try talking to my friends though, and they're all dealing with so many different crises

i feel like shit and if i could, you know, just hang out with some folks and have a conversation where nobody else talks about wanting to kill themselves, where people can just be encouraging and tell me "it's ok, you'll get over her, it sucks but in the long run you'll be better off for it, you're a great person and there are tons of people who like you, here c'mon let's go for a night out on the town, shake those blues away"

instead it's like "you know what would cheer you up, you should get an onlyfans"

i'm all in favor of sex work but no. no, i'm pretty sure getting an OF would not cheer me up. i'm pretty sure taking psilocybin and undergoing "ego death" would not cheer me up. people say i'm "oppositionally defiant" but i'm gonna be honest with you i've gotten a lot of really bad advice

i mean it's not always bad advice. sometimes it's clown memes.

-

breakups are _normal_, it's _normal_ to be sad when i go through a breakup even if it's not really a breakup, more a recognition something that's already happened, even if it's not a bad thing

resilience is... like what i would _like_, where i would _like_ to be is to feel really sad and cry and recognize this is hard and painful without being in a position of...

i'm _supposed_ to get out and do the normal things, check my mail, pay my bills, do the laundry, go out with friends, and that's how i'll get to feeling better, that's how i'll get back to being a healthy, functioning human being

i'm terrified of going on dates. i'm terrified that i'll go out with someone and they'll fall in love with me because i'm the first person who's shown them human kindness in six months and they'll tell me all their darkest secrets, things they've never told anybody else

and they'll think that's romantic

i work really hard to try not to be like that anymore. i put so much effort into it. i like other people, it's just hard for me to _trust_ people i like.

and it's even harder to not blame myself. to not essentialize it, to not joke about "being attracted to red flags". to. like. acknowledge that i have this deep-seated _need_ to be hurt, _need_ to be abused, that those things are _normal_ to me, and to figure out some way to... get in relationships that recalibrate what "normal" means. i've worked so hard to believe that i'm a good person who's worthy of love, and one sort-of-breakup and here i am back really wanting to seek out people who will abuse me. those people are _so easy to find_. they are so _exciting_. they are so _hot_.

well. i guess i can write instead. it feels good to be able to write this and share it and not feel guilty about sharing it, not feel like i'm doing something wrong or being inappropriate by sharing it. it's nice. and i did go for a walk today, by myself, and i felt terrible, and i still feel terrible, and it helped.

god, dbt skills ftw

Kate (rushomancy), Monday, 1 April 2024 02:43 (three weeks ago) link

so glad i did a round

i like the vernaculzar these days tbh

ppl did actually wake up in a lot of waya and i'mb here for it

i would recommend the promise of civilization during these days of early to mid twenties and i yearn to hear some more.

Swen, Monday, 1 April 2024 05:32 (three weeks ago) link

dear swen, i have no idea what you are talking about lol

i am a gloomy gus by nature and my primary partner's sense of humor does not always do it for me. young pine, on the other hand, brings us all together in riotous laughter quite often. we have victorian lady alter-egos with falsetto voices, i am beatrice, young pine is priscilla and j is gwendolyn. we also do crazy eyed joe redneck voices and joke about fucking rotisserie chickens. j is always straining to come up with the worst puns. most everything else right now is kind of shit but laughter is a refuge. it's medicine i usually usually won't take but my fellas are kind of forcing it on me and it's really helping.

he/him hoo-hah (map), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:47 (three weeks ago) link

So! Two Victorian ladies walk into a gay bar and...

poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:48 (three weeks ago) link

fuck a rotisserie chicken?

he/him hoo-hah (map), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:48 (three weeks ago) link

the kind of kink I can get behind and in front of

poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:49 (three weeks ago) link

mmm chicken grease watch out for them bones though

he/him hoo-hah (map), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:50 (three weeks ago) link

never!

poppers fueled buttsex crescendo (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, 1 April 2024 15:59 (three weeks ago) link

So, need a read on something: got into a little tiff with another poet/writer over some of the drama revolving around the closing of this independent literary distribution. We quashed it, but one of the reasons why I was wary of this person beforehand is because they seemed to often target queer dudes in their online haterade-spewing. Sometimes I have agreed with the haterade— there is a lot of very mediocre work that happens to be made by queer dudes out there— but sometimes I have wondered: why does this person target queer dudes and trans people from NYC so much? Nothing conclusive, so just a thing in the back of my mind.

Yesterday, he posted a “joke” that reads as very supportive of the work of Tom Clark. Background info:

In Dorn's (and his wife Jennifer Dorn's) magazine Rolling Stock, #5, there appeared, written in collaboration with Tom Clark, an item called "The 1983 AIDS AWARDS FOR POETRY--In recognition of the current EPIDEMIC OF IDIOCY on the poetry scene." The page featured a large illustration of a test-tube of reddish liquid, presumably infected blood, which was the "prize."

The recipients of this "award" were Dennis Cooper ("for writing the most AIDS-like line of the year: "Mark's anus is wrinkled, pink, and simplistically rendered, but cute"); Clayton Eshleman (for "attacking a dead--and thus harmless--poet, Elizabeth Bishop" in a review in the LA Times Book Review); Robert Creeley (for writing extravagant blurbs for books by Stephen Rodefer and Joanne Kyger); Steve Abbott ("for accusing everybody who doesn't like him or his poetry of 'rabid homophobia'"); Allen Ginsberg (for claiming he wrote some lyrics for the rock group The Clash, when supposedly he hadn't); and finally, "WRITE-IN CANDIDATE" ("Fill in the name of your favorite POETRY IDIOT here.").


Basically, the “joke” made reference to Clark’s being shunned by a load of people, but the joke didn’t make reference to WHY he was shunned.

Is this guy a homophobe, or am I just reading too much into it?

butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Saturday, 6 April 2024 13:14 (two weeks ago) link

I don’t follow, but I don’t know who Tom Clark is, or why he was shunned. That AIDS award is really bleak!

I have a few gay friends who go full misanthropy in their online exhibitions. I don’t love it. They’ve crossed lines far too many times. “A few gay friends” actually just one, really, the others who do this I tend to keep distance

Premises, Premises (flamboyant goon tie included), Saturday, 6 April 2024 14:35 (two weeks ago) link

omg lol what was i talking about above

Swen, Sunday, 7 April 2024 17:46 (two weeks ago) link

that was def a post brought to you by the party bus

Swen, Sunday, 7 April 2024 17:47 (two weeks ago) link

ok here i am trying to parse:

"so glad i did a round" = OF DBT THERAPY

"i like the vernacular these days /
ppl did actually wake up in a lot of ways and i'm here for it" = the kids are woke have and instituted a cultural vernacular surrounding identity, sexual expression and gender that i admire

"i would recommend the promise of civilization during these days of early to mid twenties and i yearn to hear some more." = civilization actually does have some promise in the 2000s lol

ok that's the best that i can do

Swen, Sunday, 7 April 2024 17:51 (two weeks ago) link

Thanks!!!

he/him hoo-hah (map), Sunday, 7 April 2024 18:13 (two weeks ago) link

how are you lovey?? what's the day today?

Swen, Sunday, 7 April 2024 18:46 (two weeks ago) link

<3 <3 <3 :)

Swen, Sunday, 7 April 2024 18:46 (two weeks ago) link

i'm good! breathing easy because of an unexpected tax break :). about to go for a run in the sun.

what's going on w u?

he/him hoo-hah (map), Sunday, 7 April 2024 18:55 (two weeks ago) link

omg taxes

well i had a unexpectedly loud wknd, like met all kinds of people and stayed up til 6 making out with my friend last night i mean what am i 16

exhaustion central!

Swen, Sunday, 7 April 2024 19:12 (two weeks ago) link


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