If you were Tal Bachman, singer of "She's So High" and son of Randy Bachman, what would be the best way to get key lime pie back on a chain restaurant menu?

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turns out there are many! I present to you all the most divorcee dad story of all time (or of recent memory):


"And so, my war began right then and there. I called the manager over. Told him the replacement dessert - some ultra-sweet monstrosity - was literally inedible (which it was). The manager agreed it was a huge mistake to ditch the key lime pie ("one of our biggest sellers", he said). The various servers agreed, too. They said they'd pass on the feedback to the executives in Vancouver. I believed them. Before we left, I gathered up customer feedback cards and asked the rugby guys – always game for some new crazy adventure – to demand, in writing, the return of the key lime pie. They all committed to continuing to bombard customer service with phone calls, emails, etc. I believed them, too.

But this was only the beginning. That night, I went on Facebook and began recruiting confederates from around North America for a "secret mission". I then devised a calling schedule for each volunteer (so the calls would be spread out evenly), and had them call Cactus Club's Vancouver headquarters (from untraceable Google numbers) at staggered times throughout each day to demand the return of the key lime pie. I also made an email and Facebook messaging schedule for sending feedback to the Cactus online team.

"Project I HAVE NO OTHER REASON TO LIVE RIGHT NOW" was up and running in no time, with me directing a growing number of volunteers like Leopold Stokowski conducting the Philadelphia Orchestra, hammering away at every facet of the Cactus Club customer support team every day. I couldn't lose yet another battle. I'd already lost everything else; I couldn't lose The Great Key Lime Pie Battle of All-Time, too. That key lime pie was one of the last joys of my life. To lose it, as I had everything else, would be one cruelty too many in an already too-cruel couple of years. No – I needed victory, no matter what. And when Cactus customer service kept insisting the decision had been made, and there was no going back, all I heard was an internal voice shouting "ramp it up!".

So next, I started a special Facebook page – something along the lines of a "Bring Back the Cactus Club Key Lime Pie!" group – and made sure to let the Cactus customer service people know that "this thing was really gathering steam", and that "mainstream media people" were starting to look into the story, wondering why Cactus Club would demonstrate "such indifference to the pleas of their loyal customers". Then I started yet another Facebook page. And then another. And another.

Along the way, I began calling Cactus Club headquarters myself. It was what I had tried in 1994 with White Spot, except multiplied by a hundred. I now made seven or eight calls a day from various Google phone numbers, friends's cellphones, landlines, etc., attempting new accents with each call. Standard British English, something vaguely Bulgarian, Pakistani, Italian, Mexican, various North American voices, Cockney, Chinese, Irish, French, every accent I could think of, every vocal characterization I could do, every angle I could come up with or story, I deployed. The message from all the fake characters was: "Bring back the key lime pie so we don't have to go to Romeo's or Brown Social House" (Cactus competitors), etc."

Poll Results

Jerky Boys 2
Key lime pie or none, we hope you'll consider joining Tal along with Mark Steyn and other special guests like Douglas M 2
ask the "rugby guys" to pester corporate HQ 1
start multiple Facebook pages 0
do all those things but have some real estate agent friend lie on your behalf which got the job done 0

self-clowning oven (Murgatroid), Sunday, 18 July 2021 17:14 (one week ago) link

Key lime piiiiie-eeeeiiii
Bring it back to me
I'm so hungry

Marty J. Bilge (Old Lunch), Sunday, 18 July 2021 17:20 (one week ago) link

lock thread

I honk along darkened Bobo-doors (Doctor Casino), Sunday, 18 July 2021 19:02 (one week ago) link

I'm so glad I bought a Trader Joe key lime pie last night so I can go from this thread directly to the fridge.

Lily Dale, Sunday, 18 July 2021 19:37 (one week ago) link

My daughter works in a bakery, and she is always bringing home slices of the most incredible key lime pie.

Also, I once had dinner with Tal Bachman, which I just remembered.

Josh in Chicago, Sunday, 18 July 2021 20:31 (one week ago) link

i forgot tal bachman is an ex-mo. which is nice, it means i'm not very attached to my identity as an ex-mo. people who are really into being ex-mo know about every celebrity ex-mo.

Linda and Jodie Rocco (map), Sunday, 18 July 2021 20:43 (one week ago) link

key lime pie is trash, sorry just trying to get folks riled up. if chocolate lava cakes were banned all of a sudden, that would be a tragedy.

Linda and Jodie Rocco (map), Sunday, 18 July 2021 20:45 (one week ago) link

Name pronunciation

Despite German-Canadian custom, Bachman says his surname is pronounced /ˈbækmən/ (with a short 'a' sound as in "back"), and he uses this pronunciation when referring to himself. The more common pronunciation of "bock-mən", especially on American radio, became so widespread however, that he did not bother correcting people after BTO became popular.[citation needed]

so does Tal also pronounce his last name /ˈbækmən/ (with a short 'a' sound as in "back")? that's what i really want to know.

Linda and Jodie Rocco (map), Sunday, 18 July 2021 20:50 (one week ago) link

Key lime pie may technically be made of trash, but there's something about that combo of butter, sugar, salt, cream and citrus that sets off a very specific craving, like my brain has receptors in it that are just for key lime pie and nothing else.

Lily Dale, Sunday, 18 July 2021 21:48 (one week ago) link

When I was in college and had papers to write, sometimes I'd go to the corner store late at night when nothing else was open and get a bottle of lime juice and a can of condensed milk, mix them together into a slightly chemical-tasting lime pudding, and eat it slowly over the course of the night as I struggled to stay awake. Weirdly this has not ruined key lime pie for me.

Lily Dale, Sunday, 18 July 2021 21:53 (one week ago) link


anyway, can we talk about how Tal Bachman had enough time and energy to call Cactus Club Cafe's corporate HQ several times a day under different fake accents

self-clowning oven (Murgatroid), Sunday, 18 July 2021 21:58 (one week ago) link

That's what key lime pie is, though, condensed milk and lime juice. It just seems more respectable when you put it in a pie crust.

Lily Dale, Sunday, 18 July 2021 22:23 (one week ago) link

My wife pronounces some words with a serious Baltimore accent, so "Tal Bachman?" has been my dad-joke punchline whenever she asks me for a towel.

peace, man, Monday, 19 July 2021 01:25 (one week ago) link

Tall Backman

Linda and Jodie Rocco (map), Monday, 19 July 2021 01:52 (one week ago) link

The most irritating thing about this story is that it's on Mark Steyn's website

Karl Havoc (DJP), Tuesday, 20 July 2021 15:40 (one week ago) link

so are you joining me on the Mark Steyn cruise or nah

self-clowning oven (Murgatroid), Tuesday, 20 July 2021 15:59 (one week ago) link

I'm not voting, but he seems to be a weirdly obsessional person. I remember he went on a rant in an essay or interview about how all songs released by record companies should be evaluated by focus groups, and only released if they appealed to these listeners. He was quite vehement that the failure to do this was destroying the record industry.

Halfway there but for you, Tuesday, 20 July 2021 16:13 (one week ago) link

A weirdly obsessional person on ilx, say it ain’t so

Yours in Sorrow, A Schoolboy: (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 20 July 2021 16:29 (one week ago) link

Tal Bachman was doompatrol

Karl Havoc (DJP), Tuesday, 20 July 2021 16:30 (one week ago) link

I was comparing this to his obsessional pursuit of key lime pie.

Halfway there but for you, Tuesday, 20 July 2021 16:31 (one week ago) link

so are you joining me on the Mark Steyn cruise or nah

the concept of a Mark Steyn cruise is filling me with the strong desire to rip all the skin from my face

so... nah

Karl Havoc (DJP), Tuesday, 20 July 2021 16:36 (one week ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

System, Saturday, 24 July 2021 00:01 (six days ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

System, Sunday, 25 July 2021 00:01 (five days ago) link

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