Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

"You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know." just for the mental imagery of it.

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute, but it seems so bizarre in the context of the guardian website - who on earth is reading these headlines and then actively clicking through for the article?

https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video_thumb/C8hjZTXXkAAKHtt.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video_thumb/C8hjZTXXkAAKHtt.jpg

Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?

Yeah, that's the one I went for.

He's said to be in a relationship with Katharine Viner, editor of The Guardian, which might explain the column inches.

Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion?

xp

oo-er missus fnnarr fnnarr!

smh at

It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me.

this man's job is to interview people on tv and radio!

I mean the dartboard one defies expansion so i went for that

Torn between I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine and I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one.

Which is worse: letting Adrian Chiles write the paper vs letting MI5 write the paper

These are like the opposite of clickbait, so mundane you couldn't possibly want to know more than what the headline makes obvious. Video games aren't satisfying if you're not good at playing video games. Who would've thunk it? Dartboards aren't that much fun if you're not good at throwing darts. Let's read the entire column and learn why...

When the curiosity gap becomes an unfathomably vast chasm

he might be a secret MI5 operative, like when he climbs a tree he's not looking for conkers he's spying on Aaron Bastani or something.

Chapter Seven: In which my obsession with West Browmich Albion goes too far!

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1811189628/pooter_400x400.jpg

These are all works of art in their own right, but I can’t ever look at the teeth cleaning one without laughing (100% success rate), so that.

I find that one actually touches on something vaguely interesting about the mind

Very very difficult choice, but it’s the dishwasher one for me.

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited). Can’t believe he hasn’t written about it yet.

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited).

Would 100% vote for this.

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute,

Physical G2 still exists and has to be filled!

if chiles wrote every non-guest column in that paper it would be an improvement

has it really been more than a year since he didn't want brits to have to resort to fanny?

i was thinking about the impossible platonic perfection of our Adrian's blokeishness only this morning when i heard him on the radio for a minute, and can only conclude that somehow, in some sense, he has become a bit, destroyer of worlds

He wont end well

he's already beyond ending, he's the universal unconscious

These all each perfectly map to an "and thats ok/and heres why" entry

Chilesbot grows

It's gotta be 'My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.' One for the Real England thread.

My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - my dad would be world champion.
I'm glad to be back in church - and I should know.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix - is it because they are unpronounceable?
You’re never too old to climb a tree - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - grow a lemon tree.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life - grow a lemon tree.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations - A bargain bag of beauty.
I panic-bought a dartboard - even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
You’re never too old to climb a tree - So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking - I found it in a chore I used to hate.
Searching for solace in lockdown - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
With the kids locked down and not on the town - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Seven weeks in - A bargain bag of beauty.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
Searching for solace in lockdown - Here's how to do it.
What will I do when travel restrictions lift - until the warning light flashed.
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Lockdown has slowed me down - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Searching for solace in lockdown - but lockdown has made my life much simpler.
I am the world's nicest driver - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.

make your own here:

https://codepen.io/ledgr/full/rNWreeM

Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on - turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.

Ah looks like a Ross Barkley one got in there by mistake

omg ledge

Dishwasher Dad all day long for me, Clive

Chileswriter is oddly addictive, thanx ledge.

It makes a handy display name generator.

I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.

What is it like to be a Adrian Chiles

Looool

One must imagine Adrian Chiles happy

lol

another vote for the dishwasher here

he should post on ILM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EVrYsq1XYAIFYyc?format=png&name=small

flashback to when some of us had a silent track called AAA by aaaa on our ipods.

A Toby jug full of piss - Stewart Lee

I've beefed up the chileswriter with graphics and all new genuine Chiles content.

Huge

You see, the lockdown has its good points.

"Croatia has enchanting words for genitalia. Shame no one's asked for mine."

So many quotable though.

It doesn't matter how clever you are - That’s why I love Birmingham

Would not have predicted Chiles as being the breakout star of the one-off New Year edition of Taskmaster

I think Adrian Chiles is acutely aware of how surreally mundane he is, and it makes him all the funnier for it. He's like a performance piece on how weird normality can be. #Taskmaster

— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) January 1, 2022

I feel like seeing him consciously play up the surreally mundane thing just brings it to the point of curdling into schtick, it's only funny when you can at least half-believe it might be ingenuous

Disagree in this one instance tho normally id probably cosign

Cant even say why, the man has a dull power

maybe what makes Chiles surreal is that he's trying to tread this well trodden path of John Peel's Home Truths style 'self-consciously banal in a quirky way' vibe, but there's something *off* about it, so he comes across not as charming eccentric but as genuinely mental, in which case it was always a combination self-conscious and oblivious?

Oh hes a genuine threat, its like seeing boris on HIGNFY in 2004 or whatever

damn right! when he gave that right-wing QC free rein on his show to state blatant falsehoods about Hillsborough some might say that is part of his guileless persona - I just think it makes him a class A cunt tbh.

Tim Dowling seems to cornered the 'self-consciously banal in a quirky way' market in the Guardian. I'm astounded that he regularly gets 700 - 600 comments a column.

it was the last thing I cared about, and the squirrel ruined it

it would probably work as a Chiles column heading but when you see Tim's insufferably smug looking byline pic you immediately feel he's trying too hard and fuck off!

Reader, I clicked

https://i.imgur.com/Ujcmqcf.jpg

Perfect.

Next week's column:

"Does anyone
have tips about
how to unblock
a toilet?
Adrian Chiles

As someone who suffers from IBS I approve of comrade Chile's solidarity on this matter.

I'm in Kyiv and awake at the darkest hour - do you need to use my toilet?

I have a question for Russian tank drivers...

Fascinating

having a good dump after a Chile

Piles of Chiles: The collected columns

Chiles has really excelled himself this time:

I have a urinal in my flat and it has changed my life – so why are people appalled?

tbf this is like the anti-pooter

👑

Undefeated. Undefeatable. pic.twitter.com/bukRbsWEEr

— Elvis Buñuelo (@Mr_Considerate) May 4, 2022

just getting into this guy, such a life

not only did my mum have a favourite wooden spoon, but it was so chipped and ancient and gnarly that HER mum wd refer to it (with affection) as "e coli"

I've got one.

i do too, coincidentally the cheapest one we have. here's 8 paragraphs about it.

I still haven't forgotten the time Chiles just sat there while some right-wing barrister cunt was talking barefaced lies about Hillsborough victims on his R5 show, and he didn't challenge him at all. When he's not being ingratiatingly Chiles he's just basically another BBC cunt.

I've got a stainless steel Prestige saucepan that is probably from the 1950's. It was given to my mum by my grandmother when she was still living in Ireland in the early 60's. It doesn't even look old, no dents, can still tighten the handle tight with a driver, the thread and screw still fine. It's more of a design miracle than any NASA project.

Kevin came bursting into my office this morning, asking if I'd read today's Chiles column... because "that's me, that's me, I have a favourite spoon too!"

(He doesn't read Private Eye, so knows nothing of the Me And My Spoon column.)

Gotta admit I kinda resent my wooden kitchen implements for having to be handwashed.

tbh i dishwash my wooden spoons (all of which were my mum's before me and are decades old and in fine fettle)

(not e coli tho, my sister says that went on the bonfire when we closed up mum and dad's house: she was less of a fan than my grandma)

Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man pic.twitter.com/15HvMl1gM5

— HMP Groverhaus (@EssexFront) July 6, 2022

"Many men can look good wearing a codpiece. I am not one of them."

Wise words. I went one step further than Chiles and downloaded a fauna-identifying app and deleted it as soon as it started aggressively prompting me for bank details before I'd even tried it out.

I downloaded a couple of mushroom identification apps but they completely failed to tell me the one thing I wanted to know about mushrooms

it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

"yes, it's definitely a pebble"

lol "it's a fucking cob"

I got a back-to-front West Brom tattoo - and I love it

Column doesn't say much more than the title so no real purpose in linking to it.

calzino at 9:14 6 Jul 22
it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

In the nation’s hour of need

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/21/i-recently-saw-something-in-a-petrol-station-toilet-southbound-on-the-m1-that-i-can-never-unsee

Misread the last sentence as Adrian offering his services to clean the bogs himself! No chance, best left to those who earn in 6 months what he was probably paid to dribble out this bilge.

yeah I was thinking exactly the same tbh - "I'd make sure the toilet cleaners did a proper job" is not exactly "he never misses". But I realised he was a lickspittle that day he gave some barrister arsehole free reign to slur Hillsborough victims on 5 live.

The King is BACK pic.twitter.com/xvBtldmunB

— Badger Meinhof (@Badger5000) October 27, 2022

sad to discover Chiles has never seen The Jerk

https://theap.substack.com/p/the-honourable-schoolboy

The one time Adrian Chiles says something moderately serious, they take the piss out of him with the photo... pic.twitter.com/OA3GZvdw1a

— David Andress (@ProfDaveAndress) March 2, 2023

Another classic has dropped

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/15/i-have-a-naked-lookalike-and-he-is-making-a-fortune-on-onlyfans-adrian-chiles

Incredible development

https://t.co/Uxx5zi26Qc pic.twitter.com/nx8tg3jBnQ

— stephen (@stepheniscowboy) March 19, 2023

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/adrian-chiles-guardian-column-interview.html

Your columns have this cult appeal. People really love them. Has that surprised you?

Well, it does surprise me, but I’m always thinking people are half taking the piss, just because it can be so pooterish.

What a blessed human being. I reread the straight razor shave and nostril wax one regularly.