Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

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All of these were written for The Guardian within the last 12 months. But which is the most pooterish?

Poll Results

OptionVotes
I panic-bought a dartboard – turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player. 4
If dishwasher-loading was a sport, my dad would be world champion. 3
I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one. 3
Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth? 2
You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know. 2
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine. 1
Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on, I'm dreading it... 1
My lockdown baking obsession got out of control – luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich. 1
I am the world's nicest driver - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah. 1
My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path. 1
Never mind machines getting cleverer - is technology making me stupider? 1
My obsession with West Brom has gone too far. 1
Ranch dressing improves everything. So I tried to improve ranch dressing 1
It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me. 1
Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion? 1
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life: grow a lemon tree. 1
I'm glad to be back in church – even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water. 0
I know I’ve been lucky, but lockdown has made my life much simpler. 0
I have made a thing of great beauty. And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease. 0
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains. How do snails get up to the fourth floor? 0
What will I do when travel restrictions lift? Complete my odyssey to all 270 London tube stations. 0
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix: what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss? 0
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking. Here's how to do it. 0
Shopping is a whole new world now I have to wear a mask. 0
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness? A bargain bag of beauty. 0
Seven weeks in, what have I learned from my new life as a dog person? 0
With the kids locked down and not on the town, I've never slept so soundly. 0
What speed reading has taught me about taking my time. 0
There are two new Covid-fighting drugs I haven't heard much about - is it because they are unpronounceable? 0
Searching for solace in lockdown? I found it in a chore I used to hate. 0
First it was sourdough, now it's a puppy - I am a lockdown cliché. 0
Video games are good for your mental health? Not if you play like me. 0
I put my own makeup on for the first time - and saw my face in a whole new light. 0
Computers I can live with, but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart. 0
I used to hate it when businesses got too chummy. Then I met Alan the delivery driver. 0
Have you seen Tatler's new rules of poshness? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. 0
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly – until the warning light flashed. 0
I’ve always been hot on hand hygiene – I even dried them in the oven. 0


mike t-diva, Thursday, 4 March 2021 11:58 (one year ago) link

"You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know." just for the mental imagery of it.

calzino, Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:13 (one year ago) link

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute, but it seems so bizarre in the context of the guardian website - who on earth is reading these headlines and then actively clicking through for the article?

soref, Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:27 (one year ago) link

Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?

Cocteau Twinks (jed_), Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:33 (one year ago) link

Yeah, that's the one I went for.

He's said to be in a relationship with Katharine Viner, editor of The Guardian, which might explain the column inches.

mike t-diva, Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:38 (one year ago) link

Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion?

Daniel_Rf, Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:38 (one year ago) link

xp

oo-er missus fnnarr fnnarr!

calzino, Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:43 (one year ago) link

smh at

It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me.

this man's job is to interview people on tv and radio!

Bastard Lakes (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:47 (one year ago) link

I mean the dartboard one defies expansion so i went for that

beware the ídes of mairt (darraghmac), Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:47 (one year ago) link

Torn between I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine and I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one.

Alba, Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:52 (one year ago) link

Which is worse: letting Adrian Chiles write the paper vs letting MI5 write the paper

hiroyoshi tins in (Sgt. Biscuits), Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:53 (one year ago) link

These are like the opposite of clickbait, so mundane you couldn't possibly want to know more than what the headline makes obvious. Video games aren't satisfying if you're not good at playing video games. Who would've thunk it? Dartboards aren't that much fun if you're not good at throwing darts. Let's read the entire column and learn why...

Lee626, Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:53 (one year ago) link

When the curiosity gap becomes an unfathomably vast chasm

hiroyoshi tins in (Sgt. Biscuits), Thursday, 4 March 2021 12:55 (one year ago) link

he might be a secret MI5 operative, like when he climbs a tree he's not looking for conkers he's spying on Aaron Bastani or something.

calzino, Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:00 (one year ago) link

Chapter Seven: In which my obsession with West Browmich Albion goes too far!

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1811189628/pooter_400x400.jpg

mahb, Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:27 (one year ago) link

These are all works of art in their own right, but I can’t ever look at the teeth cleaning one without laughing (100% success rate), so that.

scampless, rattled and puce (gyac), Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:30 (one year ago) link

I find that one actually touches on something vaguely interesting about the mind

Alba, Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:32 (one year ago) link

Very very difficult choice, but it’s the dishwasher one for me.

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited). Can’t believe he hasn’t written about it yet.

crisp, Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:38 (one year ago) link

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited).

Would 100% vote for this.

Portsmouth Bubblejet, Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:46 (one year ago) link

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute,

Physical G2 still exists and has to be filled!

Alba, Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:46 (one year ago) link

if chiles wrote every non-guest column in that paper it would be an improvement

no (Left), Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:52 (one year ago) link

has it really been more than a year since he didn't want brits to have to resort to fanny?

no (Left), Thursday, 4 March 2021 13:53 (one year ago) link

i was thinking about the impossible platonic perfection of our Adrian's blokeishness only this morning when i heard him on the radio for a minute, and can only conclude that somehow, in some sense, he has become a bit, destroyer of worlds

The Scampo Fell to Earth (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 4 March 2021 14:19 (one year ago) link

He wont end well

beware the ídes of mairt (darraghmac), Thursday, 4 March 2021 14:21 (one year ago) link

he's already beyond ending, he's the universal unconscious

The Scampo Fell to Earth (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 4 March 2021 14:22 (one year ago) link

These all each perfectly map to an "and thats ok/and heres why" entry

Chilesbot grows

beware the ídes of mairt (darraghmac), Thursday, 4 March 2021 14:24 (one year ago) link

It's gotta be 'My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.' One for the Real England thread.

pomenitul, Thursday, 4 March 2021 14:26 (one year ago) link

My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - my dad would be world champion.
I'm glad to be back in church - and I should know.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix - is it because they are unpronounceable?
You’re never too old to climb a tree - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - grow a lemon tree.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life - grow a lemon tree.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations - A bargain bag of beauty.
I panic-bought a dartboard - even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
You’re never too old to climb a tree - So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking - I found it in a chore I used to hate.
Searching for solace in lockdown - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
With the kids locked down and not on the town - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Seven weeks in - A bargain bag of beauty.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
Searching for solace in lockdown - Here's how to do it.
What will I do when travel restrictions lift - until the warning light flashed.
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Lockdown has slowed me down - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Searching for solace in lockdown - but lockdown has made my life much simpler.
I am the world's nicest driver - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.

ledge, Thursday, 4 March 2021 14:44 (one year ago) link

Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on - turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.

Ah looks like a Ross Barkley one got in there by mistake

hiroyoshi tins in (Sgt. Biscuits), Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:12 (one year ago) link

omg ledge

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:16 (one year ago) link

Dishwasher Dad all day long for me, Clive

ukania west (Bananaman Begins), Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:18 (one year ago) link

Chileswriter is oddly addictive, thanx ledge.

mike t-diva, Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:28 (one year ago) link

It makes a handy display name generator.

Ranch dressing improves everything - I'm dreading it... (ledge), Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:42 (one year ago) link

I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.

The Scampo Fell to Earth (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:43 (one year ago) link

What is it like to be a Adrian Chiles

hiroyoshi tins in (Sgt. Biscuits), Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:44 (one year ago) link

Looool

The Scampo Fell to Earth (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 4 March 2021 15:45 (one year ago) link

One must imagine Adrian Chiles happy

hiroyoshi tins in (Sgt. Biscuits), Thursday, 4 March 2021 16:00 (one year ago) link

lol

another vote for the dishwasher here

imago, Thursday, 4 March 2021 16:12 (one year ago) link

he should post on ILM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EVrYsq1XYAIFYyc?format=png&name=small

no (Left), Thursday, 4 March 2021 16:50 (one year ago) link

flashback to when some of us had a silent track called AAA by aaaa on our ipods.

Cocteau Twinks (jed_), Thursday, 4 March 2021 18:47 (one year ago) link

A Toby jug full of piss - Stewart Lee

mahb, Thursday, 4 March 2021 20:50 (one year ago) link

I've beefed up the chileswriter with graphics and all new genuine Chiles content.

Huge

beware the ídes of mairt (darraghmac), Friday, 5 March 2021 11:54 (one year ago) link

You see, the lockdown has its good points.

Wrote For Lunch (Tom D.), Friday, 5 March 2021 11:56 (one year ago) link

"Croatia has enchanting words for genitalia. Shame no one's asked for mine."

So many quotable though.

Wrote For Lunch (Tom D.), Friday, 5 March 2021 11:57 (one year ago) link

It doesn't matter how clever you are - That’s why I love Birmingham

mike t-diva, Friday, 5 March 2021 11:57 (one year ago) link

His Beatles Band book is good not bad! As is his Princess Margaret book. His PE parodies are variable, but this one works pretty well. Or maybe I was so thrilled to see it, that critical faculties were suspended...

mike t-diva, Thursday, 14 October 2021 17:08 (eleven months ago) link

Chiles is just getting started tbh.

This one is the odd one out. He is playing it straight and political.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/13/in-the-pandemic-27bn-worth-of-was-committed-why-arent-we-angrier

xyzzzz__, Thursday, 14 October 2021 17:22 (eleven months ago) link

Not that I've read any of it beyond the headlines. But I might read that one.

xyzzzz__, Thursday, 14 October 2021 17:22 (eleven months ago) link

two weeks pass...

https://www.gawker.com/media/adrian-chiles-does-not-miss

Chuck_Tatum, Thursday, 28 October 2021 20:50 (eleven months ago) link

Chiles is bad now.

xyzzzz__, Friday, 29 October 2021 09:15 (eleven months ago) link

He's baconed but hey I don't think it'll change him

maybe these baps are legends (Noodle Vague), Friday, 29 October 2021 09:27 (eleven months ago) link

one month passes...

The baconing continues: he's going to be on the Taskmaster end of year special.

Daniel_Rf, Sunday, 5 December 2021 12:00 (nine months ago) link

along with "Claudia Winkleman, Paralympian Jonnie Peacock, rapper, Lady Leshurr and former Conservative Cabinet Minister Baroness Sayeeda Warsi."

Daniel_Rf, Sunday, 5 December 2021 12:01 (nine months ago) link

soon hes gnna thanos the h8as, cant be me dustified

mark s, Sunday, 5 December 2021 12:02 (nine months ago) link

four weeks pass...

Would not have predicted Chiles as being the breakout star of the one-off New Year edition of Taskmaster

I think Adrian Chiles is acutely aware of how surreally mundane he is, and it makes him all the funnier for it. He's like a performance piece on how weird normality can be. #Taskmaster

— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) January 1, 2022

Portsmouth Bubblejet, Sunday, 2 January 2022 10:31 (eight months ago) link

I feel like seeing him consciously play up the surreally mundane thing just brings it to the point of curdling into schtick, it's only funny when you can at least half-believe it might be ingenuous

soref, Sunday, 2 January 2022 10:40 (eight months ago) link

Disagree in this one instance tho normally id probably cosign

Cant even say why, the man has a dull power

pandmac (darraghmac), Sunday, 2 January 2022 10:43 (eight months ago) link

maybe what makes Chiles surreal is that he's trying to tread this well trodden path of John Peel's Home Truths style 'self-consciously banal in a quirky way' vibe, but there's something *off* about it, so he comes across not as charming eccentric but as genuinely mental, in which case it was always a combination self-conscious and oblivious?

soref, Sunday, 2 January 2022 10:49 (eight months ago) link

Oh hes a genuine threat, its like seeing boris on HIGNFY in 2004 or whatever

pandmac (darraghmac), Sunday, 2 January 2022 11:44 (eight months ago) link

damn right! when he gave that right-wing QC free rein on his show to state blatant falsehoods about Hillsborough some might say that is part of his guileless persona - I just think it makes him a class A cunt tbh.

calzino, Sunday, 2 January 2022 12:07 (eight months ago) link

Tim Dowling seems to cornered the 'self-consciously banal in a quirky way' market in the Guardian. I'm astounded that he regularly gets 700 - 600 comments a column.

Luna Schlosser, Sunday, 2 January 2022 12:41 (eight months ago) link

it was the last thing I cared about, and the squirrel ruined it

it would probably work as a Chiles column heading but when you see Tim's insufferably smug looking byline pic you immediately feel he's trying too hard and fuck off!

calzino, Sunday, 2 January 2022 13:00 (eight months ago) link

one month passes...

Reader, I clicked

https://i.imgur.com/Ujcmqcf.jpg

Alba, Thursday, 24 February 2022 10:41 (seven months ago) link

Perfect.

Blu Ray Davies (Tom D.), Thursday, 24 February 2022 10:47 (seven months ago) link

Next week's column:

"Does anyone
have tips about
how to unblock
a toilet?
Adrian Chiles

Critique of the Goth Programme (Neil S), Thursday, 24 February 2022 10:49 (seven months ago) link

As someone who suffers from IBS I approve of comrade Chile's solidarity on this matter.

Daniel_Rf, Thursday, 24 February 2022 10:51 (seven months ago) link

I'm in Kyiv and awake at the darkest hour - do you need to use my toilet?

ledge, Thursday, 24 February 2022 10:59 (seven months ago) link

I have a question for Russian tank drivers...

Blu Ray Davies (Tom D.), Thursday, 24 February 2022 11:13 (seven months ago) link

Fascinating

a hoy hoy, Thursday, 24 February 2022 11:14 (seven months ago) link

having a good dump after a Chile

calzino, Thursday, 24 February 2022 11:22 (seven months ago) link

Piles of Chiles: The collected columns

Ward Fowler, Thursday, 24 February 2022 14:05 (seven months ago) link

one month passes...

Chiles has really excelled himself this time:

I have a urinal in my flat and it has changed my life – so why are people appalled?

Portsmouth Bubblejet, Thursday, 21 April 2022 09:25 (five months ago) link

tbf this is like the anti-pooter

mark s, Thursday, 21 April 2022 09:46 (five months ago) link

👑

xyzzzz__, Thursday, 21 April 2022 10:03 (five months ago) link

Undefeated. Undefeatable. pic.twitter.com/bukRbsWEEr

— Elvis Buñuelo (@Mr_Considerate) May 4, 2022

gyac, Wednesday, 4 May 2022 17:56 (four months ago) link

just getting into this guy, such a life

goole, Wednesday, 4 May 2022 19:15 (four months ago) link

not only did my mum have a favourite wooden spoon, but it was so chipped and ancient and gnarly that HER mum wd refer to it (with affection) as "e coli"

mark s, Wednesday, 4 May 2022 19:38 (four months ago) link

I've got one.

Was Hitler a Hobbit? (Tom D.), Wednesday, 4 May 2022 20:58 (four months ago) link

i do too, coincidentally the cheapest one we have. here's 8 paragraphs about it.

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Wednesday, 4 May 2022 21:18 (four months ago) link

I still haven't forgotten the time Chiles just sat there while some right-wing barrister cunt was talking barefaced lies about Hillsborough victims on his R5 show, and he didn't challenge him at all. When he's not being ingratiatingly Chiles he's just basically another BBC cunt.

I've got a stainless steel Prestige saucepan that is probably from the 1950's. It was given to my mum by my grandmother when she was still living in Ireland in the early 60's. It doesn't even look old, no dents, can still tighten the handle tight with a driver, the thread and screw still fine. It's more of a design miracle than any NASA project.

calzino, Wednesday, 4 May 2022 21:28 (four months ago) link

Kevin came bursting into my office this morning, asking if I'd read today's Chiles column... because "that's me, that's me, I have a favourite spoon too!"

(He doesn't read Private Eye, so knows nothing of the Me And My Spoon column.)

mike t-diva, Thursday, 5 May 2022 15:09 (four months ago) link

Gotta admit I kinda resent my wooden kitchen implements for having to be handwashed.

Daniel_Rf, Friday, 6 May 2022 09:37 (four months ago) link

tbh i dishwash my wooden spoons (all of which were my mum's before me and are decades old and in fine fettle)

(not e coli tho, my sister says that went on the bonfire when we closed up mum and dad's house: she was less of a fan than my grandma)

mark s, Friday, 6 May 2022 09:56 (four months ago) link

two months pass...

Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man pic.twitter.com/15HvMl1gM5

— HMP Groverhaus (@EssexFront) July 6, 2022

Portsmouth Bubblejet, Wednesday, 6 July 2022 16:58 (two months ago) link

"Many men can look good wearing a codpiece. I am not one of them."

immodesty blaise (jimbeaux), Wednesday, 6 July 2022 19:14 (two months ago) link

Wise words. I went one step further than Chiles and downloaded a fauna-identifying app and deleted it as soon as it started aggressively prompting me for bank details before I'd even tried it out.

calzino, Wednesday, 6 July 2022 19:46 (two months ago) link

I downloaded a couple of mushroom identification apps but they completely failed to tell me the one thing I wanted to know about mushrooms

Sudden Birdnet Thus (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Wednesday, 6 July 2022 19:51 (two months ago) link

it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

calzino, Wednesday, 6 July 2022 20:14 (two months ago) link

"yes, it's definitely a pebble"

boxedjoy, Wednesday, 6 July 2022 20:22 (two months ago) link

lol "it's a fucking cob"

calzino, Wednesday, 6 July 2022 20:29 (two months ago) link

I got a back-to-front West Brom tattoo - and I love it

Column doesn't say much more than the title so no real purpose in linking to it.

calzino at 9:14 6 Jul 22
it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!
fair enough, guess I do also want to know that

Sudden Birdnet Thus (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Thursday, 7 July 2022 14:55 (two months ago) link

two months pass...

Misread the last sentence as Adrian offering his services to clean the bogs himself! No chance, best left to those who earn in 6 months what he was probably paid to dribble out this bilge.

promised you a spiracle (Matt #2), Wednesday, 21 September 2022 20:20 (one week ago) link

yeah I was thinking exactly the same tbh - "I'd make sure the toilet cleaners did a proper job" is not exactly "he never misses". But I realised he was a lickspittle that day he gave some barrister arsehole free reign to slur Hillsborough victims on 5 live.

calzino, Wednesday, 21 September 2022 21:20 (one week ago) link


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