Goodparents/Shitparents ~~~ Goodrelationships/Shitrelationships

I voted for my own circumstances but the actual answer is the long one, Trevor

it really is, Trevor

whilst fullly accepting the good/shit binary as opposed poles, i wd say there are lots of difficult to define degrees inbetween the two

Trevor

I didn't even visit my dad when he was dying last year or go to his funeral, but it was a Shitparent/Shitson feedback loop or something.

Sure, in between, but say u had to tick a box you'd know whether you had one or tother gan dabht

i'd feel probly compelled to vote goodparents/shitrelationships tbh but my parents' goodness may've left me feeling unsatisfied in a whole bunch of ways

too old to blame anybody else for my own fuckery tho

The patriarchy

well that's not blaming anybody

What if you have one very good and one very shit?

Hey you're the pope I think you don't get a total free pass bud xp

XP

Parents or relationships?

I presume Tom meant a one shitparent/one goodparent combo.

Blame the #goodparent for staying

my parents made mistakes (like all parents) but they were present and good and i have a really good relationship with my wife (who also had v involved and concerned parents - tho sometimes erred on the side of too protective).

NB THIS IS A FLIPPANT THREAD UNHAPPY FAMILIES ARE TRAGIC AND I SYMPATHISE

i have good parents and my parents have a very good relationship. i notice that i emulate my father in how i behave in a relationship - am happiest when spending time with my SO and that relationship is by far the most important and intimate relationship in my life, i go out with pals sometimes but am overall not particularly social, preferring to spend time with my SO. the problem with that is that generally that can be kind of boring for an SO and they generally want a less codependent relationship, want me to have more interests and friends. ho hum.

god that's a depressing paragraph to reflect on

it's not crazy that ppl would use the relationship they spent the most time observing as a child as a model for their own

Unless they were judging it

but their judgement is still framed/contextualized by that relationship - you need to have an alternative to judge it against or else you'll end up replicating the dynamic in an attempt to escape it. (not 100% but i think that lots of kids who say "my parent's had a shitty relationship" recapitulate it). one data point: both my sets of grandparents had terrible marriages (one of them ended in a divorce once the kids grew up) and my parents are still married and have a great relationship -- however they had a terrible relationship when they married and my childhood was marred by constant fighting and anger. but they worked it out over time and they're v chill now and seem to love each other dearly.

I think it's perfectly common to use other relationships as models if the primary one you witness is selfevidently damaging and corrosive, sure you can suggest that the pattern replicates on either crest of the copy/avoid wave but tbrr that's just more likely because people in a lot of relationships are bad at it like people are bad at everything else

My parents were good parents. Maybe, in the case of my dad, an exceptionally good parent. But in an unstated, ill-defined way I became aware, even as a child, that I was not the kid they wanted. As a teenager I chalked it up to different perspectives on the world. In my twenties I tried to minimize/pretend the difference didn’t exist. Now in my (upper) thirties I’m understanding that there are irreducible philosophical diffferences between us, and that their outlook on ... everything ... is profoundly disturbing to me. My sibling, who is a divorced single parent who has only recently found stable work and struggles with anger-management concerns, depends on them for everything and is (ironically) much more of the kid they desired.

My parents were good parents, but they had a terrible relationship, although largely unknown to us kids -- they did their best to hide it. But they weren't obviously loving or caring about each other, either. Eventually the shitness of their relationship was easily sensed by us and became impossible to ignore until they split up. But my wife and I have a great relationship, so who knows?

It is important in thread context to explore the trickledown to one's own relationship just a friendly note

I had at least one good parent (who was also mentally ill) and my parents had a terrible relationship (especially post-divorce). Oddly this had a sort of an inverse effect on me...I was always interested in relationships and have a very good one, but basically zero interest in having kids.

NB THIS IS A FLIPPANT THREAD UNHAPPY FAMILIES ARE TRAGIC AND I SYMPATHISE

really fucked this one up m8

Snap, cept my dud was the mentally ill one unforch xp

boy did I get lucky

lads

dads

depressed dads?

Okay – I am following up. Parents, see above. Current relationship? Marriage, longstanding and profoundly good and loving and... but I didn't begin seeking a partner until I was ~ 10 years out of my folks' house, because of fear of replicating the atmosphere under which I'd grown up.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

my parents had a shotgun wedding pretty much after my dad got my mum pregnant at 16 (he was 20), they were divorced when I was 4, my dad was shit, my mum was in a reasonably range of good, I turned out shit.

I was effectively my mum's carer for a couple of years in the 80's. It sucks going through shit like that when you are a teenager. But it made me a stronger person, and more capable to deal with my current situation of the last 5 years. My dad was shit as well, an absolute worthless non-entity to the grave.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

Well that's the last time I allow the sensible option in one of my crank polls

Goodparents/Shitrelationships

2 other people, fistbump

although i should probably retract my vote because i'm not sure i have a shitrelationship with either of them. just a cordial, friendly, completely fake one that is based on an idea of how a theoretical relationship might have worked in an alternate universe if we had things in common, like we're playing roles in a production that only plays out every several months or so

it's tough for me to categorize that as good, though, which is why I think you'll find it's actually a good deal more complicated than that, Trevor

Wait

This arose from a discussion about whether yr parents relationship directed whether you yourself would tend to have good/bad relationships

Is that how everyone read it?

I ask because apparently I have a rep as being idk obtuse bytimes around here

oh, i'm sure it's probably just me. i didn't see the prior discussion and i don't know who trevor is! i'm sure trevor is very nice.

there are no good people

Trevor is as Trevor does

Loads of good people.

Admittedly they don't live up to the high standards of the internet but

there are lots of people who do good things.

2 other people, fistbump

sup g

Blame the #goodparent for staying

― Gary Synaesthesia (darraghmac), Wednesday, 1 November 2017 17:04 (three months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Could develop this into a #thinkpiece quite easily