Let's all laugh at the Universal Dark Universe

Apparently Tom Cruise is still enough to sell a movie in many international markets. I realized today I haven't seen a Tom Cruise movie since Collateral.

They're still churning out new Cruise franchises somehow, or attempting to. You'd think he'd be content with Mission Impossible, but no, we end up with way-too-short Jack Reacher and monster hunter Mummy films

imo the mission impossible movies are fine, although they're definitely to the point where they're remaking the same film with different locations and directors now

The Mummy could be the biggest hit of the summer or the biggest flop and I don't think I would know either way.

Apparently Tom Cruise is still enough to sell a movie in many international markets. I realized today I haven't seen a Tom Cruise movie since Collateral.

Edge of Tomorrow is great, and tons of fun. As are the last two Mission Impossible movies.

otm about Edge of Tomorrow, even if they couldn't market it

The movie did well worldwide but the US opening weekend was bad news. The rest of the Dark Universe might wind up going the proposed route of the Warcraft sequel and get a theatrical release only in those overseas countries where it did well. Probably not since this Universal, but I have a hard time imagining that The Bride of Frankenstein (2019) is the one that's finally going to get this ill-planned party started.

Boutella and Michael Shannon are starring in Fahrenheit 451. So the chances of me seeing The Mummy are fading away.

tbh the biggest problem with The Mummy may have been that Alex Kurtzman is a total hack.

Did this get posted? I thought it was pretty funny:

http://crookedscoreboard.com/the-pitch-meeting-for-the-mummy/

Ha I noticed this thread and only just remembered that I saw this. I haven't really thought about it at all. It's a complete nothing movie.

The Red Letter review is pretty good. They more or less just dismiss the movie as "pathetic," and then talk about the cynicism of this whole enterprise.

Arguably, the main reason that the classic Universal monsters have remained in the public consciousness is their iconic appearances (to the extent that Universal fought against Hammer replicating the likenesses of the monsters for their own films). I mean, you may not remember anything about The Invisible Man but you probably know what he looks like. Utilizing those iconic visages in SOME fashion seems like the biggest no-brainer if they absolutely have to make this a thing, so making the Mummy just some hot chick seems to be missing the point (or one of a number of points, rather).

you may not remember anything about The Invisible Man but you probably know what he looks like.

Yes, he looks exactly like this:

Exactly.

Like, that's the only thing that makes these creatures a distinctly Universal property rather than just a gaggle of public domain characters that literally anyone can make a movie of.

RLM opined that these properties would work well as low-budget scare fests, which is probably true, but just not broad enough to attract general/international audiences.

good interview with Jake Johnson about working with Cruise
https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/nation/jake-johnson-the-mummy-interview-spoilers

dunno that it makes me want to see it any more than I did before tho

I know his (reputation). He does his own stunts.

Ha, this is not the first facet of his reputation that would fly to mind.

the main reason that the classic Universal monsters have remained in the public consciousness is their iconic appearances

this is absolutely otm and it's also partially the reason why these things are doomed to fail - the designs of those original universal monster movies are so fantastic that they inspired decades of terrible ripoffs and homages and parodies that universal has effectively painted themselves into a corner

you can't reinvent them because then you're squandering the potential of those indelible screen representations of the stories, but then you can't do them faithfully because every single one of them is now a knackered, wheezing cliche in the popular imagination

I could be convinced to shell out money to see Frankenberry vs. the Fruit Brute.

We have scarier monsters now. They're called Republicans AMIR--*bullet exits skull*

Phantom of the Opera but with grime

Roadman of the Opera

I'm trying to think of a body of water that is hipper and fresher than the Black Lagoon. The Creature from the Limo Hot Tub, maybe?

but then you can't do them faithfully because every single one of them is now a knackered, wheezing cliche in the popular imagination

― cast your vote for fully automated gay space luxury communism (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 13 June 2017 16:58

Don't think that's a real obstacle. As long as the story isn't too cliched.

I wonder how much claim universal has over the monster likenesses now, or even a few decades ago? Can't imagine them being able to sue anyone easily.

I could be convinced to shell out money to see Frankenberry vs. the Fruit Brute.

The untold story of Count Chocula, loosely based on Vlad the Impaler.

the untold story of vlad the impaler, loosely based on count chocula

I would like to see a Count Chocula film played completely straight. The full origin story of how Chocula, once a man, became a creature of the night with an unquenchable thirst for chocolate. Very grim, very dark. Like 98% cacao dark.

Budget for 98% cacao prohibitive. Plus, not enough dark chocolate consumption in China.

The Ottomans want to impose their Turkish delights on Christendom. That's a movie.

sold

I would like to see a Count Chocula film played completely straight. The full origin story of how Chocula, once a man, became a creature of the night with an unquenchable thirst for chocolate. Very grim, very dark. Like 98% cacao dark.

we live in a world where riverdale exists so

It would have been really easy to make a scary Mummy movie. Like, a found footage trapped in a tomb movie (I'm sure it's been done). Or basically, It Follows, but a Mummy.

but then you can't do them faithfully because every single one of them is now a knackered, wheezing cliche in the popular imagination

― cast your vote for fully automated gay space luxury communism (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 13 June 2017 16:58

And King Kong or Godzilla isn't? (In theory, any remake can be done well. In practice, Sturgeon's Law is in full effect.)

The Ottomans want to impose their Turkish delights on Christendom. That's a movie.

― jmm, Tuesday, June 13, 2017 1:05 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You are Steve Bannon and I claim my five pounds.

yes, you're describing this movie:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pyramid_(film)

xposts

The Mummy has never had much luck against Wonder Woman:

https://scontent.fman2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/19113862_10154552632520143_1903104110016641603_n.jpg?oh=daa4003f66518272ab6557a133bc3927&oe=59DAD3C4

^image nicked from the Facebook page of film critic John Charles

you can't do them faithfully because every single one of them is now a knackered, wheezing cliche in the popular imagination

no, this is the kind of thinking that has resulted in so many forgettable re-imaginings that imo the original designs are novel again. if they went full-on og Frankenstein w slightly updated take on the classic look, they could make it work. look at Monster Squad, they brought back all the classic monsters and made them work, even the mummy was made creepy again w the trapped in that closet. they just need people who can write a decent movie.

It's always been frustrating because I'm all about the classic/gothic horror aesthetic, it's probably 80% of the reason I like horror but there's really not that many good scripts in the films. And whenever there's a return to it, the stories are usually hackneyed. There's no reason you have to keep using those plots.

Whomp whomp

https://io9.gizmodo.com/apparently-the-new-bride-of-frankenstein-has-nothing-t-1819120817

As the story notes, it's likely going the deep prequel route instead...but is it?

The Dark Universe is dead, long live (to quote Variety) “a fresh strategy for the Universal monsters properties, bringing creative directors with distinctive visions to the classic characters.”

https://io9.gizmodo.com/a-new-invisible-man-film-rises-as-the-dark-universe-die-1832124202

Aw, does this mean we'll never get to see Seth Rogen as Lou Costello?

Can't wait to consume the fresh content generated by the Universal Synergisticdiversificationverse!

That shitty promo photo for this will never not be funny

Johnny Depp was the actor originally expected to play the Invisible Man, and though he is not thought to be part of this movie, Variety’s sources suggest it could happen in the future. The same goes for actors like Javier Bardem and even Cruise’s character: They could appear in future movies, but it’s not definite. For now, the idea is to encourage individual filmmakers to make great movies, and see what happens.

they will not appear in future movies

https://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2017/05/31/31-universal-monsterverse-dark-universe.w700.h700.jpg

Ah yes, all your faves - there’s the mummy of course, and the Dracula, and the wolf man, and that must be the Frankenstein sitting down there, and who’s that on the end? Oh, how could I forget, the black lagoon!

Oh no wait it’s five checked-out randos. Can’t fucking wait for them to cross over with each other.

Russell Crowe with the expression of a man who's come home to see an uncut lawn and a terrified son

That photo was edited together, iirc. Can't you just feel the chemistry?

I watched The Mummy and it's remarkable how they took a plot that was about 3/4 of a movie and then slapped half of a different film into the middle of it and still somehow only came out with less than a single complete work