I'm sad

I'm feeling like my own worst enemy at the moment, perpetuating the very things that are making me feel so depressed, but somehow that's easier than making a break away from them.

It's like I can't make changes at a sensible point, but have to let things slide all the way into a dreadful crisis where something cracks right at the very bottom of it all.

Ooh I'd love to wake up six months later: I so badly want to avoid my driving exam, I get mad crazy anxiety attacks just thinking about setting a date. My friend advised me to take some herbs (no, not weed) like Valeriaan but I'm afraid nothing will help me to relax. Also I think I'm doing way too fucking much which is tiring me the fuck out and results in me feeling very MEH (and in the long run will result in burn out yet again).

I'm feeling like my own worst enemy at the moment, perpetuating the very things that are making me feel so depresse

You just spoke my mind, man. I'm going through some extremely grave crises of faith and self-worth at the moment for reasons I don't wanna go into (though its partly just to do with aging, I guess). I've also had poor health and its all my fault, and I'm just fed up with feeling like everything is a battle instead of a beauty.

'm just fed up with feeling like everything is a battle instead of a beauty.

Goddamnit, this.

I'm feeling like my own worst enemy at the moment

Feeling this too atm.

and me too.

I'd say "fuck you DC", since I've been feeling this way since I moved to this town a few months ago, or "fuck you job" for the same reason, but in the end I have to say "fuck you getting older and having all my friends spread out across the country", because that's really what it is. All of my closest friends are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

Ah the close friends being thousands of miles away sucks Z S. I've dealt with that for years now and it's just really tough. I'm sort of used to it but it still sucks. I'm sorry you're experiencing that too.

Damn. We're all feeling this, too. Its to the point where one of my family or friends says "I miss you," and I'm reduced to a sad ball of bummer.

Ugh.

I'm just tired of always being unwell, and... other stuff.

long time sad bastard here; won't go into details except to say not being able to get health insurance is pretty uncool

anyway, here's a photo of pears shaped like buddhas (kinda cheered me up)

http://whatimg.com/images/54652288986724905949.jpg

damn pear buddhas

http://whatimg.com/images/54652288986724905949.jpg

fuck it i give up

what is it the time of year to mope? i have this sadness thing too.
you skel: this?
http://mutateweb.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/buddhapears.jpg

in the end I have to say "fuck you getting older and having all my friends spread out across the country", because that's really what it is. All of my closest friends are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

yeah :(

yeah ;_;

also, newsflash, taking care of a depressed person for 15 years is a good way to become one.

Hugs all round, my sombre peeps x

multiple xpost: that's them, but i had a different pic! thx!

i'm sad that i may have to change my display name already

there we go

I'm going through some extremely grave crises of faith and self-worth . . . (partly just to do with aging, I guess).

I understand. I've felt the same way, on-and-off, since I turned 40 last year.

Yeah I'm 38, and starting to feel less healthy and... I dont know. With it? It doesn't help I have a much younger partner. It sometimes just makes me even more self conscious. Oh well, bed, lie in it, etc.

I'm finding that procrastination + laziness + low self-esteem all just happily feed on each other and leave me in this constant state of feeling like shit/beating myself up/can't be arsed to fix it. My sister wants to get Skype with a videocam so we can talk more often, the video cam my nephews can see me and not forget who I am...but I have told so many friends that I won't do videocam...and this is so shit, but the reason is I don't want everyone to stare at me and see how badly i've let myself go. And I should just say fuck it, who cares, but I do care...but I'll still happily sit on my arse and feel like I've earned the right to do sweet FA...and I'm just sad. Because I don't really talk about this to anyone. Years are literally whizzing by me and...gah. This is the sad thread, not the whine thread. I need to shut up.

n the end I have to say "fuck you getting older and having all my friends spread out across the country", because that's really what it is. All of my closest friends are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

yeah :(

― holosystolic murmur and the thrill (gbx), Friday, September 25, 2009 8:33 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

yeah x2 :o(

its a bummer :(

and you forget how hard it is to make new friends. i mean, it took me my whole life to gather up the excellent group of friends that I left behind...it's taken 7 years to establish that there's one chick I work with who is actually an actual captial F friend. My husband has seen many many great floods of tears from me over the fact that so many people are so superficially nice but not actually friendly. It's like reliving my childhood all over again.

stop bummin me out

xpost

for real. Only instead of 7 years it's only taken a few months.

Be a nazi about friends.

And a kitty cat too.

sorry...again, don't really talk about this much so it comes in a big flood.

this will sound like a cheesy 'make lemonade' 180, but the thing I have found in the past 6 months that really, really makes that distance between me and my friends so much less is, dare I say it, Facebook. My brother and sister are both on there, and some of my best friends in the world, who sometimes late at night I can chat back and forth with on FB and kind of 'find myself' again. i also managed to find the phone number of my oldest and best friend who moved...we ended up doing a party line together with another super-close friend, and honestly, that 45 minutes was like I'd jumped in a teleporter and been whisked back home. You just have to find a way to have those moments with the people you miss, to remember not only them but who YOU were before you left them, and hone in on that to get yourself out of the sads. I mean, if distance from your friends/homesickness is really bringing you down.

Z S, being in a city people become really competitive about friends, don't they? And it's like, if you like someone and have a lot in common with you, they might not give a shit because they say to themselves, "I've got millions of people to choose from. I don't need this guy." And so: superficial friendships.

That's good. Your prior two posts struck a nerve with me, so I'm glad you came back to report some good times, too. Things will be okay. There are (usually) many reasons to be hopeful.

(xp to VG)

(Sorry; Re-read my post and didn't mean to come off condescending (if that's how it sounded). I should have said, "I hope things will be okay.")

A girl I once loved is now pregnant with her new boyfriend. I should be happy for her right. I'm not. Not at all. I've been upset about it for a week now. I will see her on aim, and think, I'll send her this new album I just found, or tell her about this or that. But No She's pregnant!

Have you talked to her at all since you found out? I mean, did you find out from her?

xpost No, you came through loud and clear :)

And xxpost: yeah Z S, bamquern is 100% otm. It took me a long time to realize that I was 100% more needy in the friendship department than the people I was trying to be friends with, and they would break plans like it ain't no thang and I would lose my shit. For a long time I didn't lose my shit at them, just lost it on my own or ranting to my husband on the drive home from work. But I found that it can help to tell people that's where you're at. I mean, you should only tell the people you think can take that info and do something good with it...hard to do it succinctly though, and the tip is not to come across like a total Dr Phil basketcase, but I found once the key people I was trying to connect with KNEW where I was at, they were easier to...befriend. I guess.

Of all things she could've done, getting pregnant? It's so final, so life changing. And includes me in absolutely no way.

Yeah, I don't know...I'm in the "more the merrier" school of friend accumulation, and right now things are not so merry.
sadtrombone.com

The big thing affecting my lack of real friends right now is that most of the people I work with are 20 years older than me or more. And all I do is go to work, pretty much, so that's where my pool of potential friends is at for now. And of course I don't mind hanging ten with people older than me, but there is a sort of gap that makes things difficult.

Well, a new situation might mean a different approach. I had a lot of friends back in Australia, quite comfy circle. Now I have a circle of two: my husband and this other girl I've gotten tight with. The thing is not to focus on the lack. Focus on the quality. Dont' try to recreate your circle, because you will undo yourself with sadness and disappointment going that route.

yeah, missing my friends too :( it's hard when you're no longer sharing a house/working with cool people/etc.. oh, and i feel like i'm kinda cynical about ppl too, like "gahh is this person gonna be worth the effort or are they just gonna be a douche" because my friends and me have a great understanding of each, of our particular kind of friendship, in which we don't get catty if we take ages to get back to each other, or are too busy with stuff to hang out. so i accept i have made little effort to make new friends, but i just wish i could have all my current ones here with me.

the other thing that gives me the sadz: the feeling that my life is my boring job and that everything else is marginal.

The other big factor is that for my entire life I made friends by meeting people through good friends that I already had. That worked for a long time, until I went to grad school, and now moved to DC. In both cases I know absolutely no one. Turns out I'm not so good at making friends "cold". Don't get me wrong, I'm doing what I can; I'm making an effort to try to hang out with the one new dude at work who isn't a nervous wreck or uptight as hell. But all I really want is to be sitting around my house and then someone just drops by and hangs out. Or vice versa. That level of casualness is totally missing now. It sucks to have to make "friend dates".

as a side note good LORD Smokey Robinson looks insane now.

I was gonna xpost but I guess this applies to you too, just1n3:

Accept the 'surface' friends as they come, take what enjoyment they give you and let yourself not require anything more than that of them. That'll help some of the loneliness. The trick is to focus on what you do have, and what you are getting, than only seeing what's missing. I'm sure you're still seeing dotted outlines of the spaces where your friends should be, I know I did that for a long time...but you know that they would not want you to replace them. They still want to be friends too. So now you get new, different, other friends. Not as many. Not as quickly. But you'll get em.

I work for a major oil company, that just about narrows my friends at work to zero. These are good ole boys who hunt, drive big trucks, and dip chewing tobacco. I don't know how I cope with it. All of my friends are in austin or new york, while I'm, working in the south, soon to be Georgia. I try to go out to these run down honky tonks, but really I can't talk to these people about anything serious. My friend that is now pregnant was the gem I found amongst all of the duds. Red wine, my records, and movies help to some extent. And there lilly my cat.

Last, depressing point I'll make - Over and over the past few months I've had this horrible feeling about going to grad school and getting a "real" job. I honestly don't care about money at all. I was way happier back in the day when I was working as a sales clerk at a crappy cd store for $7 an hour and kickin' it every night with all my best friends. Then I went to grad school and accumulated so much debt that now I HAVE to work a "real" job that I hate. The nagging horrible feeling has been "I made a terrible mistake and now I can't turn back"

My real job has removed me completely from everything I loved. The money is great, but I can;t tell if I'm living. I understand exactly what you mean. I chose this work for the money and out of and nagging feeling that I needed to grow up and get a real job. But I was much happier djing and working odd jods.

I chose my field of study because I thought I'd be able to make a real, positive difference in people's lives, and knowing that I might have to make some horrible trade-offs (moving far away from friends, having to wear dress shoes every day and be in meetings and pretend that I'm serious about everything when I'm just a goofball for the most part), but that it would be worth it. But then I didn't manage to land a job that is satisfying....WHOOPS

xpost to vegemitegrrrl - yeah, I hear you about making friends, eventually. I know I will with time. The tough part is trying not to lose my mind in the meantime!

Well, look, on the job thing.... I left my family and friends to get married, and took the first job I could find because I was going to get deported without one. That was my 'transition' job...til I got something that I really wanted to do. Reality is, I'm still doing that 'transition' job, 7 years later.

It's not always a bad situation. It feels bad, it feels like you're letting your team down, but if you can make some scratch and maybe get to do some things you enjoy, or find something outside of work to feed the talents you may have left 'dangling'...that can be a good way around it. If you're 100% hating it, you can do something else. It's not easy, and changing direction's often a big undertaking...but you're not always as trapped as you feel. You just have to stop staring at the walls and find a window. or something. ugh. I should write greeting cards, sheesh.

I don't hate my job, I enjoy the actual work part of it. It's my surroundings that get me down from time to time. Though recently I've been thinking of going back to school.