Why I hate the Daily Mail, as distilled into one edition

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I have never snorted instant coffee! I've only ever rubbed it on my gums!

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Thursday, 22 September 2005 09:12 (eighteen years ago) link

Even if Larkin did resemble Bilko, according to all reliable evidence, he was, shall we say, very well equipped...

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 22 September 2005 09:16 (eighteen years ago) link

i remember a colleague snorting vodka at a Melody Maker All Star Xmas Cocktails competition years ago. it made him weep, and sarah cracknell laughed at him.

― foxy boxer (stevie), Thursday, 22 September 2005 11:50 (eighteen years ago) link

I have snorted instant coffee. And I would gladly do it again.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:04 (eighteen years ago) link

another heartwarming thread about a british newspaper. i love you all

― j/k, Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:32 (eighteen years ago) link

anyone who turns down free cocaine is not fit to be a parent

― Ward Fowler (Ward Fowler), Thursday, 22 September 2005 13:58 (eighteen years ago) link

p46-47: the "disturbing truth" about the white British women who have sex with black men in the Gambia.

What is the disturbing truth then?

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 22 September 2005 14:18 (eighteen years ago) link

BLACK MEN HAVE ENORMOUS PENISES

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 22 September 2005 14:25 (eighteen years ago) link

I snorted aspirin.

― suckling pig at a rave (alix), Thursday, 22 September 2005 14:27 (eighteen years ago) link

did it hurt?

― g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 22 September 2005 14:27 (eighteen years ago) link

BLACK MEN HAVE ENORMOUS PENISES
I can see how that would disturb anyone white enough to get as far as page 46 of the Mail :-)

I thought it would be more along the lines of dirrty women importing BADAIDS to the home counties.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 22 September 2005 14:28 (eighteen years ago) link

Jeremy Kane once snorted a pixie stick.

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Thursday, 22 September 2005 14:30 (eighteen years ago) link

I once snorted pepper. It was a stupid thing to do.

Steve-O snorting wasabi on the Jackass movie was even more stupid and also brilliant.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 22 September 2005 14:33 (eighteen years ago) link

The only thing I've ever put up my nose is my finger.

Oh, and a miniature snooker ball when I was about three. I had to go to hospital to have it removed.

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:31 (eighteen years ago) link

What's in today's Daily Mail then?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:41 (eighteen years ago) link

Ooh I once got the wee bit out of the top of a bic pen stuck up my nose and my uncle made me sniff pepper and I sneezed it into the fire.

I have had pepper up my nose too many times.

xpost

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:42 (eighteen years ago) link

Hands up who's tried snuff!!!

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:46 (eighteen years ago) link

WHAT'S IN TODAY'S DAILY MAIL THEN?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:47 (eighteen years ago) link

Snuff were a terrible band. Steven Wells liked them IIRC.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:47 (eighteen years ago) link

I haven't seen it but I'd hazard a guess that it's a mixture of pieces on how foreigners are out to get us and crackpot mysticism.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:49 (eighteen years ago) link

Snuff, oh god yes, "ironic" "punk" covers of pop songs by infinitely more talented artists.

― Don King of the Mountain (noodle vague), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:49 (eighteen years ago) link

What's in today's Daily Mail then?

Why oh why... tut tut... tsk tsk... you'll never believe what she's done now... don't look now but a whole family of them have moved in next door... etc etc etc

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:51 (eighteen years ago) link

Is Baz Bamigboye still in it on Fridays?

― Don King of the Mountain (noodle vague), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:52 (eighteen years ago) link

I was just thinking it might be an idea to make this a rolling Daily Mail thread with daily updates of idiocy, but then that would arguably only perpetuate the Beezlebub that is Associated Newspapers.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:02 (eighteen years ago) link

A better idea would be to hang around outside the mail's offices dressed in albanian national costume, and carrying a bucket of soapy water and a yellow sponge. When the writers & execs drive out of the car park, splash the soapy water on their windscreens and laugh at their apoplectic faces.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:06 (eighteen years ago) link

It's High Street Ken, Norm; no one would notice.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:07 (eighteen years ago) link

Pity! The image of M Phillips seething in the back of an XJ6 as someone slathers soapy water over here windscreen is mightily pleasing.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:13 (eighteen years ago) link

Someone from Associated Newspapers looked at my blog the other day.

Personally, I appreciate the effort that's gone into their associated.co.uk homepage.

(and, yes, I did check that that domain is actually registered to Associated Newspapers)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:29 (eighteen years ago) link

.... so Melanie Phillips has her own blog after all

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:30 (eighteen years ago) link

In the Mail today:

Our MRSA Shame; Only we Asians can tear down the segregation wall, writes an attractive Asian female with full-length pic; Legal aid for travellers in battles with planners — little help for embattled homeowners as Labour changes the rules; Nurse gave girl a contraceptive jab at McDonalds; Conker boy, 12, is killed in plunge on to railings; A munching menace — dog-sized deer puts our birds in peril; What's your daughter drinking tonight? One middle-class girl's haunting account of how the binge-drinking culture that afflicts countless teenagers nearly cost her life; The 'Chav' children feared by teachers; Mother's £6,500 bonus for having a third baby; South Africa siezes white-owned farm; Women lured with loans to have a facelift; Labour's policies broke up our family...

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:31 (eighteen years ago) link

And everyone was stunned into silence...

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:24 (eighteen years ago) link

A munching menace — dog-sized deer puts our birds in peril

Tell me more!

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:25 (eighteen years ago) link

That'll be Pere David's Deer, I'll be bound.

― Don King of the Mountain (noodle vague), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:36 (eighteen years ago) link

Apparentlt Muntjac deer have bred voraciously and are now taking over the great British countryside. And they eat bark and tender shoots of young saplings, which in years to come could mean a lack of trees and hence a lack of nesting sites for birds.

First item in the fact box next to the article: said deer is not native to the UK, and was shipped over from Asia before growing rapidly to outnumber good-old British deer...

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:36 (eighteen years ago) link

At this point, the word un-fucking-believable springs to mind.

― Don King of the Mountain (noodle vague), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:41 (eighteen years ago) link

said deer is not native to the UK

Your average Daily Mail reader probably thinks the English countryside is unchanged since the island was uninhabited, of course. Rabbits aren't native to the UK, are they?

(not to mention all the bloody big animals we'd have tramping around if it wasn't for those pesky Mesolithic people hunting them to extinction)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:47 (eighteen years ago) link

Anglo-Saxons?

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:48 (eighteen years ago) link

Nah, *long* before then. Although a lot of the species - including rabbits, I think - were brought over by the Romans, only about 300 years before the Anglo-Saxons came along.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:52 (eighteen years ago) link

No what I meant was that the Angles and the Saxons were scarely "native to the UK"

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:53 (eighteen years ago) link

Well, yes, that's a good point. It's only about 1500 years since the English invaded.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:55 (eighteen years ago) link

Normans brought Rabbits (Bloody french)

― Ed (dali), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:56 (eighteen years ago) link

What was it the Romans brought, then? Oak trees? Dormice? Something like that.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:57 (eighteen years ago) link

Vespas.

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:58 (eighteen years ago) link

Romans brought Dormice. Oak trees were sacred to the druids so I assume they're native. I wish the Romans had introduced elephants or something, just for a daft laugh.

― Don King of the Mountain (noodle vague), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:58 (eighteen years ago) link

Syphilis

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:59 (eighteen years ago) link

I know sessile oaks - the short gnarly ones you get in North Wales - are native, but I've got a feeling the other ones might not be.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:59 (eighteen years ago) link

Incidentally, Britain did *have* elephants before the last ice age, in pretty much the same climate as now. The theory as to why we don't any more is that as the ice retreated any elephants heading north out of Africa were quickly hunted down and eaten (those pesky Mesolithic people again), so they never made it back this far north.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 12:01 (eighteen years ago) link

Plane trees! That's what the Romans brought that lots of people think are natives.

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Friday, 23 September 2005 12:06 (eighteen years ago) link

MESOLITHIC PEOPLE BE HUNGRY

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 23 September 2005 12:12 (eighteen years ago) link

Did you see the thing about the Hobbit People on Horizon last night? Talking about how somewhere (Siberian island, was it?) there was a race of pygmy mammoths small enough to keep in your flat?

I *WANT* ONE!!!

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Friday, 23 September 2005 12:15 (eighteen years ago) link

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