Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

kate did you end up texting that girl?

yeah we're doing brunch tomorrow

she's bringing me a pothos

i got a brown thumb but i figure hell with it, i got plant hangers in my apartment

she also has sourdough starter that's over 100 years old

hell yeah

met an insanely hot marxist poet from glasgow tonight

I would love to meet an insanely hot Marxist poet from anywhere.

um hellllooo

In Montreal for a bit. Everything about this city is queer-coded. I'm staying in an industrial-space-turned-artist-loft, a very Philadelphia ca. 2005 place, these places don't exist in Toronto any more. Last night there were two (2) DIY shows in my building. I went to both. I also saw a harp improv set down the street. Was hoping to see scott's son's band around the corner but ran out of time. I had a bagel this morning, with chicken cheese and pesto on it. The bagel was perfect, the cheese was perfect, the chicken was meat plucked off a roasted bird. But: the tomato and lettuce were on the sandwich while it was getting warmed, so there was hot lettuce on the sandwich. My chin got slapped in the face with flaming hot lettuce. "When's the last time I was subjected to hot lettuce?" I asked myself, while noting that all the elements of the sandwich were a cut above anything I could expect in other places. Montreal is where my heart is, I love it here. I wish I still lived here.

Slap it back!

Mmmmm. That was nice. I mean uh. Other than a little hair-pulling nothing went on but we are _definitely_ gonna talk further.

hey so this thread kinda fell off my radar which i regret, a lot of times i feel like i'm thread-killing particularly when i make a long post haha.

you're very sweet, I appreciate it <3

some threads need to die! not this one though, I should focus my energies elsewhere.

srsly posting is all or nothing with me lately, can't seem to find the balance

I really enjoyed reading about the Greater Portland Polycule! it felt like talking to someone in a coffee shop in the middle of the night, I wish the internet was still like that. It sounds like you're ready for a change (glad you had a sweet date!)

i don't know if it helps but i feel like when it comes to looking for intimacy i get treated like a gay dude a lot. like it doesn't matter that i pass, the second someone finds out people's brains just go "dude". not even consciously, it's not even, like, a question of whether someone's individually "transphobic", we were all programmed that fucking much to think "trans woman" = "dude looks like a lady".

well, no, that doesn't make me feel better.
the reason it sucks - just makes me feel it will be simpler and easier not to reckon with this, just keep the autopilot running. believe me, I do not need any added incentive to do that

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPLBPOIP1xI

well, no, that doesn't make me feel better.
the reason it sucks - just makes me feel it will be simpler and easier not to reckon with this, just keep the autopilot running. believe me, I do not need any added incentive to do that

― Deflatormouse, Sunday, May 19, 2024 6:40 PM (yesterday)

i mean in a lot of ways it _is_ simpler and easier to not reckon with it, even someone like me who has a fuckton of privilege, passing and otherwise. it's tough. i've had to go through a lot.

i don't _regret_ it, though. the things i've done were hard and they hurt, and i'm not happy. and my life isn't amazing. and i don't really know that things will get better for me. and i don't regret it. not just that i'm... it's not even that i'm _proud_ of what i've done, although i certainly am proud of it. i'm happy _that_ i've done the things i've done, that i've made the decisions i've made. i'm happy that i transitioned, i'm happy that i left my ex-wife, all of these things that seemed like the stupidest things ever at the time. i didn't get what i wanted, what i hoped for out of them, but i got things i didn't expect, _good_ things i didn't expect. i got all the bad things i expected from transition and more. all of the good things i got... i didn't expect any of them. and it's not like they were _so_ good that i couldn't even imagine them. it's more that they were good, and i couldn't have imagined them happening.

i didn't transition because i _wanted_ to. i didn't leave my ex-wife because i _wanted_ to. i did those things because i was more afraid _not_ to. because of what i'd felt, because i had this experience that things could be different than i'd ever known. and the alternative was, i don't know, keep on doing what i'm doing and wait to die. that was _simple_ i guess but it wasn't easy.

i was talking with my friend, we're talking about food. and nearly all of us have a disordered relationship with food to some extent, either the skinny twinks who can't eat or the ones like me and my friend who eat whenever we're stressed, which is always. one of the things i've had to learn is how to listen to my body. i got up and i had breakfast and i was still hungry and i listened to my body and my body said "i need green vegetables", so i took a thing of asparagus out of the freezer and heated it up and ate a bag of asparagus, right there. and that's not the way i was taught to eat, but it's me giving my body what it needs.

i couldn't _do_ that before transition. i was taught to _ignore_ my body and i worked really hard to ignore my body. whatever i needed to do so i wouldn't hear it screaming. i don't know if you saw _i saw the tv glow_ but it was important to me to see it. it's been five years and i _mostly_ don't regret what i did, but sometimes i forget why. and i saw that movie and it reminded me why, it reminded me how it _felt_. like you look at me these days, i'm a sad person, i have sad eyes, i'm in a lot of pain. but it's _nothing_ like the kind of pain owen has in the film. the pain i felt for all that time.

like to be clear. i'm not saying this to try and _convince_ or _persuade_ you of anything because i don't need to. you know what you _need_ to know. you're going to do what you _need_ to do. i don't know what that is, but you _do_.

i hadn't heard "(don't like) the way we live now" before. it was a good song! everything reminds me of a song, including other songs. it reminded me of "it's all right (the way that you live)" by the velvet underground.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOZAXCdQ4ps

i didn't get what i wanted, what i hoped for out of them, but i got things i didn't expect, _good_ things i didn't expect. i got all the bad things i expected from transition and more. all of the good things i got... i didn't expect any of them. and it's not like they were _so_ good that i couldn't even imagine them. it's more that they were good, and i couldn't have imagined them happening.

that's the way all my life decisions go, I guess. the one good thing about and agonizing over little choices, doing oracle readings for whether I should buy a pint of milk or not (not literally but ykwim)- the message is much clearer now on the big, life changing decisions. Nothing is ever what I expect it to be anyway. The kind of transition that appeals to me is one with no end point. The destination is always a let down, and sometimes nothing much happens along the way either, but usually the process is the good part.

i was taught to _ignore_ my body and i worked really hard to ignore my body.

totally. I've often felt like a disembodied aura or something. and taken the attitude that my body "doesn't count".

you know what you _need_ to know. you're going to do what you _need_ to do. i don't know what that is, but you _do_.

that's the thing, I actually have no idea what to do with this.
maybe I will. but I'm still figuring out how to be with it, I'm not up to the part of knowing what to do.
writing that out, I see how this is 'still kicking the can' after I decided not to do that

The Flare song is okay, it's a little twee, I can relate to the general feeling of 'dating sucks now'
The Velvet Underground song is much better, of course.

that's the way all my life decisions go, I guess. the one good thing about and agonizing over little choices, doing oracle readings for whether I should buy a pint of milk or not (not literally but ykwim)- the message is much clearer now on the big, life changing decisions. Nothing is ever what I expect it to be anyway. The kind of transition that appeals to me is one with no end point. The destination is always a let down, and sometimes nothing much happens along the way either, but usually the process is the good part.

haha do you know the game "milk inside of a bag of milk inside of a bag of milk"? it's about the difficulty of doing these mundane-seeming things. they're not, they're often not as mundane as we make them out to be.

totally. I've often felt like a disembodied aura or something. and taken the attitude that my body "doesn't count".

oh yeah i used to be like that so much. and now it's like... it took a long time to get there, but my body feels like _my body_. having a body, even a body that's getting old and breaking down like mine is, it feels so amazing.

that's the thing, I actually have no idea what to do with this.
maybe I will. but I'm still figuring out how to be with it, I'm not up to the part of knowing what to do.
writing that out, I see how this is 'still kicking the can' after I decided not to do that

i don't want to get philosophical, but knowing you don't know is... for me, it was kind of necessary. it was just not being committed to any particular narrative, any particular way of being, just thinking, well, i can try this and see if it works. looking at it as this totalizing _thing_ is just overwhelming, it seems impossible. there's a good likelihood that the things one is doing might lead to particular outcomes, but it's not something one needs to _aim_ for. that's what a lot of people get wrong about so-called "detransition" - if one decides one isn't "trans", it's not a bad thing, i've never thought of it as a _bad_ thing. you try something, and you learn from it, and maybe you move on to something else. as long as someone doesn't say "well because it wasn't right for me _nobody_ should do it", i think it's a good thing.

even, like... you say it's "kicking the can" and... for me, i felt like there was a rush, there was pressure, but it was all coming from inside. i did kind of speedrun transition. two years and everything had changed, i was "done" with everything. for some people taking some time and letting it kind of sink in is what's necessary. most change is invisible, i've found. i've spent long periods of time in which i did "nothing" - i feel like that's what was necessary for me. it's still necessary for me. i spend a lot of time doing "nothing" because _being in and of itself_ is something... i feel like it's discouraged.

ahhhh that's me getting philosophical, it's 4 am, don't mind me, i get this way at 4 am.

anyway i liked the flare song. i thought it was good. :)

i was talking in the _i saw the tv glow_ thread about my friend who's having her orchi right now. (y'all should see that film if you haven't, btw. fantastic film. alfred i know you've seen it.)

and talking to her i... ok, here's what i mean, deflatormouse, when i say "you know what you need to do". you know the thing you're most afraid of doing in the _entire fucking world_? i don't mean dying. i mean the thing that scares you more than death itself. that's the thing you need to do. simple, right? simple.

-

there are so many things that are swirling in my head right now, this vortex of transness in my head. the new black dresses album, which i seem to have heard before lj, or at least lj hasn't talked about it. it's the first one i'm connecting with. i don't know if they've changed or if i've changed enough that they make sense to me now. there's so few trans stories from the perspective of where i am now. how i feel about it now. because it's not like i escaped a horror movie into some other kind of movie. i'm just in a different horror movie. i prefer this horror movie but it's still a horror movie. if schoenbrun makes that "different perspective" on _i saw the tv glow_ it would still be a horror movie i think, it wouldn't be a romantic comedy or whatever. it's not anybody's fault, our lives being a horror movie, but it is a horror movie, i want to be very clear about that. i feel like LAUGHINGFISH is clear about that. god, it's the joker again, isn't it? that famous marshall rogers/steve engelhart run on 'tec.

i also watched the new philosophy tube video where she talks to her past self. it's something a lot of us do, have these conversations. it's interesting because of how _angry_ Before Abigail is at Abigail. my conversations with Before Me don't go like that. Before Me isn't so much angry as confused. "how are you me? you look like a girl. you _sound_ like a girl." it used to be that past me would be confused at how hot i was. now they're more "wow, you're old". which is a shock, but less of a shock than future me being hot.

the thing about those conversations is that i never have any answers to the questions Before Me has. we live in different worlds. Before Me isn't _capable_ of understanding who I am. it's like talking to an older relative who's senile and doesn't recognize you, doesn't know who you are.

i think it's ok if they don't understand.

ok, here's what i mean, deflatormouse, when i say "you know what you need to do". you know the thing you're most afraid of doing in the _entire fucking world_? i don't mean dying. i mean the thing that scares you more than death itself. that's the thing you need to do. simple, right? simple.

huh well, ok, that sounds like the premise of a horror movie.
I think the things I fear most are actually very sensible things to be afraid of and really best avoided, but I think I know what you mean.

haha do you know the game "milk inside of a bag of milk inside of a bag of milk"? it's about the difficulty of doing these mundane-seeming things. they're not, they're often not as mundane as we make them out to be.

that's a very good point,

i did kind of speedrun transition. two years and everything had changed, i was "done" with everything. for some people taking some time and letting it kind of sink in is what's necessary. most change is invisible, i've found. i've spent long periods of time in which i did "nothing"

um, I think this is mostly going on internally, so far. my thing is I like to spend a lot of time alone- like it's seems okay for me to keep it to myself pretty much, because I mostly keep to myself. it hasn't really got past the stage of being "inner work". except that if someone refers to me as a man, I will correct them, politely but firmly.

ahhhh that's me getting philosophical, it's 4 am, don't mind me, i get this way at 4 am.

I believe it was bevis and butthead who said "if nothing sucks, how can everything be cool?"

huh well, ok, that sounds like the premise of a horror movie.

― Deflatormouse

lol ok it kind of was a horror movie, that _i saw the tv glow_ film i saw last weekend, it hit pretty hard. anyway it was one scene in particular from that movie that made me think of it in those terms. and there are, like, a lot of different ways of looking at it, that's just one framing. it's all about the particular lens one adopts. to me, i feel like that's why i'm inconsistent a lot of the time, i try to shift around and look at things from different angles. there are upsides and downsides to that approach.

um, I think this is mostly going on internally, so far. my thing is I like to spend a lot of time alone- like it's seems okay for me to keep it to myself pretty much, because I mostly keep to myself. it hasn't really got past the stage of being "inner work". except that if someone refers to me as a man, I will correct them, politely but firmly.

what i call "transition" is a good example of looking at things from different angles - from one angle i had an egg crack and "speedran" transition, but from another angle i spent four years questioning and doing all kinds of things, some of which didn't necessarily have anything to do with gender overtly. i grieved my dad, processed some of my abuse trauma, moved across the country, completely overhauled my philosophical and political view of the world, all of these things and more were things that went into me processing gender stuff. the philosophy tube video i watched yesterday about judith butler, thorn said gender isn't something that can be considered in isolation. there are so many different things that go into it.

doing the work i think was really good for me... i see some people go out and get all the surgeries and sometimes they don't get what they're hoping for. for me a lot of it is internal. it's really basic serenity prayer stuff, honestly - i change the things i can and accept the things i either can't change or don't need to change (because i am, really, pretty change-averse). the thing that drives me nuts is when "gender critical" people say "why can't you just accept yourself for who you are?" and _that's what i'm fucking doing_, that's what i've _been_ doing. literally just learning to love myself for who i am. it really grinds my gears when someone who clearly can't or won't accept me for who i am tries to say that _i'm_ not accepting _myself_. i just think that's a really rude thing to say.

when i hear what you're saying, to me it sounds like it _has_ got past the stage of inner work, because you're correcting people when they say you're a man. like, here's another angle, there _isn't really such a thing_ as "transition". my goal wasn't to become a "real woman", it was just to do stuff that worked for me. it just happens that what worked for me means that i look, act, and sound like a pretty ordinary middle-aged white woman, albeit one who's freaky in the sheets. that honestly _wasn't_ my goal and it bothered me for a while. i'm being true to myself by doing that, though. this is who i am. this is what works for me.

cuz again getting back to judith butler gender _is_ a social construct to some extent. that doesn't mean that i'm inauthentic, but to me like the two important things are to recognize myself for who i am _and_ to be recognized by others for who i am, and those two are interrelated. god, i was terrified to tell anybody outside of the internet about my gender stuff, and it is a risk. i've known people, the first time they tell someone they trust they turn out to be a transphobe and that's rough. my experience was a lot better. i started telling people and they didn't just accept me, they were like "whoa that's super awesome!" i'd never considered that being trans might be something people would think is "super awesome". i mean i think that now, it is super awesome, even though at the same time it's kind of normal, it's just me being an ordinary person. depends on which angle you're looking at it from.

like you don't have to be or do anything you're not comfortable with. it's just trying out things to see what works. and it sounds like that's what you're doing!

I believe it was bevis and butthead who said "if nothing sucks, how can everything be cool?"

― Deflatormouse

wasn't it tegan and sara who said "everything is awesome"?

i listened to the first half of the black dresses album, it's really great. the preview track struck me as surprisingly nostalgic (for idk that emo/bamboozle fest era) which is not something i usually get from this kind of 'internet hypergarbage' or whatever imago calls it.

i watched the florida project (2017) recently and all the trap songs in it sounded very nostalgic to me, which is kinda funny.

here's another angle, there _isn't really such a thing_ as "transition". my goal wasn't to become a "real woman", it was just to do stuff that worked for me.

this is how i think of it actually

albeit one who's freaky in the sheets

lol

but from another angle i spent four years questioning and doing all kinds of things, some of which didn't necessarily have anything to do with gender overtly.

yeah exactly, i think once you get to the egg cracking part there is stuff that's been going on "in the background" for a very long time which led to it.

i'd like to read more about how gender shouldn't be considered in isolation; i'll look for that YT video, or do you have a link?

lol ok it kind of was a horror movie, that _i saw the tv glow_ film i saw last weekend, it hit pretty hard.

ooh got it, it's a movie. for some reason i thought it was a series, now it makes sense.

oh philosophy tube has some great videos, the specific one i'm talking about is this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVilpxowsUQ

her videos are wall to wall great, tho

ok can i just step in to say how utterly adorable awkward girls are, awkward girls talking about their special interests make me melt every time

i'm seeing her again on monday

awesome ♥️

oh philosophy tube has some great videos, the specific one i'm talking about is this one:

thanks! i love her 😍

Watched the first half of that video with a professor friend (and a personal friend of Butler) and it was GREAT. The professor: “so far, she’s gotten everything exactly right!”

Had a nice moment this morning. A particular thing came up that requires some consultation (that is, I need to discuss it with a friend and/or a family member-- it's nothing weird or dark, just a professional opportunity that I need to evaluate), and after going through my mental rolodex and auditing all the possible people to speak to, which included (actually!) paying a consultant-friend for a proper review, I realised that my boyfriend would actually be the individual to provide the wisest and most astute assessment, and I had a full-body wash of dopamine affection for the guy and our relationship <3

that sounds so luvly

meanwhile i've discovered a new ice cream combo i love

i'm really hesitant about this signing up for other apps thing

like all i've ever really done is grindr but people are like do tinder or hinge

i just don't know, i mean i'm not really up for being clever - sometimes i fucking HATE clever shit

also i seriously am like Medusa with pictures i don't know what's wrong with me but i just can't do it

but honestly i'm fucking bored of not getting laid this year i mean - i'm no grandma - i just like, can't be working and doing drugs and drinking coffee all the time, it's just, not gonna cut it

whatever, as if it means anything i mean we're basically all just giant ants with feelings

'night

I had vanilla + whipped cream for the first time on a dessert a few weeks ago and my mind was blown. The harshness of the frozen cream in tandem with the softness of the whipped. The nutritionorexic part of me always sees those fatty dairies as "a rare treat" and never as something you'd want to stack. "You've never had a sundae? a banana split?" No! I haven't! Sundaes seem needlessly decadent and I don't like bananas

Good morning!

o god don't get me started on banana cream pie

like 4am after the gay bar sitting at the diner by myself banana cream pie

dunno if it's my proudest moment or the moment i became unresolvable

good morning Alfred

not getting laid this year i mean - i'm no grandma - i just like, can't be working and doing drugs and drinking coffee all the time, it's just, not gonna cut it

Can relate! Without all the coffee.

hung out on Monday with a friend. she's gotten back to doing grindr hookups after some time off for health-related reasons. it's been really positive for her.

i forget sometimes that there are people who actually want sex for its own sake, and not because they want to feel loved and attractive. i wish i was like that. my QPP was telling me that i overcomplicate things and i said do i, or am i just complicated? i feel like i'm complicated.

i want to feel physically attractive, but the most common way people express physical attraction is, you know, sex. if i want physical intimacy, i gotta find someone i'm attracted to, figure out if they're attracted to me, figure out if i can deal with whatever drama they got going on, and also we have to be kink compatible _and_ they have to be ok with an intimate relationship that doesn't require sex. oh, also, i don't feel safe in kink-centered social spaces (for what i want to be clear are _very good reasons_).

i hate being asexual.

"Sex for its own sake" has never been my thing, and I've found myself incompatible with individuals who find it to be their thing. I was derisively painted by a former boyfriend as being some kind of "demisexual" or whatever, but that's not the case at all. I can't fuck unless I feel safe, and I don't feel safe unless the potential fucker is somebody I know and trust. This isn't to say I haven't _ever_ had sex with a stranger, but there's always been a feeling of dissociation accompanying it, like I'm forcing my cognitive brain to surrender to, well, something else... or it feels like I'm taking myself up on a dare.

I need to know I can have Negronis or mocktails with my potential fuckmate.

i agree but would also posit that there are many kinds of intimacy. like we don't have to be talking flowers and cotton candy. i'm learning to lean into the side thing at least. apparently there are a few of us out there.

my big decision this year is if my summer fling is going to be a furry guy with some meat on his bones and brown hair, or a younger twink type

i'm practicing making big decisions in 2024

"Sex for its own sake" has never been my thing, and I've found myself incompatible with individuals who find it to be their thing. I was derisively painted by a former boyfriend as being some kind of "demisexual" or whatever, but that's not the case at all. I can't fuck unless I feel safe, and I don't feel safe unless the potential fucker is somebody I know and trust. This isn't to say I haven't _ever_ had sex with a stranger, but there's always been a feeling of dissociation accompanying it, like I'm forcing my cognitive brain to surrender to, well, something else... or it feels like I'm taking myself up on a dare.

― frociaggine e figaggine (flamboyant goon tie included)

yeah that's kind of how i feel

"demisexual" to me i don't know what that means

if that's meaningful to other people sure, but only wanting to be intimate with people i trust and like... i don't see there being anything wrong with that?

---

ok real gay shit here

there's this manga i read a while back, last year maybe, called "bokura no hentai" and thinking about it still fucks me up

it's about three kids who meet on a crossdressing forum

one of them isn't important for the purposes of what i'm talking about

one is just a trans girl and doesn't know where else to meet people like her

that's why i read the manga, there's not a lot of actual trans representation in manga

and she's an interesting character, but fundamentally i'm not _like_ her. her gender identity is pretty simple and uncomplicated. she's a girl, she's always known she's a girl, her mom is accepting and affirming. she has to deal with bullying at school and stuff but ultimately she gets on puberty blockers and transitions.

nah the character i relate to is the third one

he dresses as a girl because he wants boys to like him

the boys he gets with are fucked up and ashamed and treat him like shit

and that matters

his arc is him trying to figure out sexuality vs. gender

and at the end of the story he comes to accept his sexuality, does a play where he dresses as a woman but after the show confidently comes out to the people around him as a gay man

except it's not really that simple

except one of the other people he knows from the forum notes that he's a lot happier, more confident, more outgoing when he dresses as a woman

and then there's a question of the kind of guys he was into

he was sexually abused as a kid by a neighbor boy who encourged him to dress as a girl

in the epilogue he finds the strength to tell his mom what that boy did to him

and his mom doesn't believe him, she says "no, not him, he was a good kid"

and he goes out and does the same thing he always does

he goes to a bar dressed as a girl and picks up a guy and the guy takes him back to his place and ties him up and fucks him and humiliates him and tells him how disgusting he is, that he's not a real woman

i'm sure y'all know the narrative that comes with those kinds of experiences

and i also hope y'all know how bullshit that narrative is

that guy isn't gay because he was abused

that guy doesn't dress as a girl because his abuser encouraged him to dress as a girl

wanting to be fucked by guys, whatever one's gender identity, is normal. dressing as a girl, whatever one's gender identity, is normal.

being abused _isn't_ normal.

this is the fucked up thing about abuse, in my experience

things that are normal and healthy to desire get all mixed up with stuff that's awful and _feels_ awful

one gets exactly what one wants but in this awful, awful way

---

i wasn't sexually abused when i was young. i was emotionally and physically abused. i wasn't sexually abused.

unless you count spending much of my childhood watching a kids' tv show where a huge part of the "humor" was making boys wear dresses and humiliating them for it. unless you count the porn catalogs my dad got in the mail, the ones my mom made fun of him for while showing us the catalogs. the porn was like all the other porn of that type. sissy fetish. humiliation. nothing worse or more shameful than an AMAB being _feminine_ and _submissive_.

opinions differ, i guess, on whether or not that's a form of sexual abuse.

it's really complicated. there's part of me that thinks that being hurt and degraded and humiliated is what i deserve. i've had that belief reinforced over and over again for much of my life.

it's complicated because wanting to submit isn't fundamentally _bad_ or _wrong_ or _unhealthy_. it doesn't make me inferior in any way. it certainly doesn't make me any less of a woman. there are all different kinds of women who want all different kinds of things.

when i started questioning my gender, it was the scariest fucking thing in the world. i was afraid of being rejected, of being shamed, of being humiliated, of being _hurt_.

that wasn't my experience, though

people celebrated me, people affirmed me, people were proud of me, said i was brave, for doing this thing i was so scared of doing

when it comes to expressing my sexual desires, that... hasn't been my experience

nobody thinks i'm "brave" for wanting to be hunted, for wanting to be prey

i wish i could be like other girls. i wish i could be happy finding someone on grindr and having hot sex with them and feeling good about the sex, good about myself. unashamed. that's not what i _desire_, though. i don't do that because it's not what i _desire_.

i want to feel like what i want is normal, as much as i feel like my being a girl is normal (which is to say, completely). i want to feel like i deserve to have my desires met in a healthy way, as much as i deserve to be able to out in public wearing a dress without people calling me a "faggot", without bigots accusing me of subjecting them to my "fetish". i'm not subjecting anyone to "my fetish" by going out in public wearing a dress. i am a faggot, and i'm proud of being a faggot, and that's normal. it's nothing to do with them. there's nothing wrong with wanting to suck dick. there's nothing wrong with wanting to be hunted down and made to submit by someone who genuinely _respects me_ and _values me_.

being genuinely hurt and degraded and abused just seems so much _easier_. it feels _normal_. i don't... not only do i not have a lot of positive experiences, i don't have a lot of positive role models. the people who are most like me, the people i'm most attracted to, are other hurt, desperate, traumatized people, doing what we know best. re-enacting the cycle of abuse on each other.

i have a really hard time believing there's genuinely nothing wrong with me. it's a real struggle for me. i know there's nothing wrong with me, but sometimes it's hard to not _want_ to be different.

most of all i'm afraid. i've never stopped being afraid. i transitioned when i was more afraid of _not_ transitioning than i was of transitioning.

i'm more afraid of asking for what i want than i am of being "forever alone". i've tried to experiment, to try things, like i did with gender presentation. the more i try, the more i'm hurt. the more afraid i get of my own desires.