Posts you had second thought about and decided not to post - put them here

i love the idea of taking adhd drugs because i love drugs. i wish i didn't love stuff so much.

i will say this. when i hear from people taking ozempic they all lost as much weight as i did when i stopped eating sugar. i ate everything else. just no sugar. and i ate fruit. which seems safer than taking some unknown pill but its can be really hard for people to do it. i did it for one solid year. it got easier. but stress/holidays put me back on the sugar train. and i gained most of the weight back.

if you start taking dexedrine your posts here might get a little long. :)

i love the idea of taking adhd drugs because i love drugs. i wish i didn't love stuff so much.

i will say this. when i hear from people taking ozempic they all lost as much weight as i did when i stopped eating sugar. i ate everything else. just no sugar. and i ate fruit. which seems safer than taking some unknown pill but its can be really hard for people to do it. i did it for one solid year. it got easier. but stress/holidays put me back on the sugar train. and i gained most of the weight back.

― scott seward

like that's the thing it's STRESS. i'm on a lot of meds and the trade-off is that i don't drink and i don't do drugs, the meds are one of the main ways i personally deal with the stress. and i do other things as well, i try to exercise, take care of myself, eat healthy, cut out the gluten, and life is still fucking stressful, and that has effects on people. overeating isn't the most healthy way of managing that stress, but it's not necessarily the least healthy way in a lot of cases either.

i fucking hate that i'm on ADHD drugs (right now i'm on adderall) because they _are_ addictive, they _are_ a drug of abuse, and i do have a history of drug dependence. with me it was benzos. i have a lot of anxiety, and in about 2003 i had a "nervous breakdown" or whatever and they put me on benzos, and didn't tell me about the withdrawal syndrome, and it nearly fucking killed me. i don't love taking drugs. i wish i didn't have to take adderall, but i gotta function at my horrible shitty job and adderall gives me the ability to function. i'd prefer to not have to conform to the meaningless requirements of my horrible shitty job, but that's not a choice i have right now. i take enough adderall to be able to function at the bare minimum level. and maybe i should aim higher. maybe i should be, like, you know, maybe i could be _happy_, maybe i could _enjoy_ life, maybe i wouldn't struggle every day to function. but i don't, because my real addiction isn't food or drugs or anything like that. my real addiction is suffering. i'm working on healing from that addiction, but it's fucking hard.

what was that you were saying about my posts maybe getting a little long?

Or running at midnight

― sarahell

like, what, _alone_? jesus god, my panic disorder is bad enough. when i wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep i write haha

figuring out what you have to do to get by/survive IS friggin' stressful. one day at a time. which is so stupid. but there ya go. one day at a time. its all you can do. BUT, if you do find something healthy/not terrible that makes things better...?? do that a lot! unfortunately for me it means watching a lot of t.v. i'm really good at it. but it calms me down. what can i say? and i don't want drugs in my life anymore.

Drugs are fun! (I don't like pills though).

My mom doesn’t remember… and I kinda wanna say, “Mom, you remember Mrs Schmidt’s address from 40 years ago, you really don’t remember how menopause affected your digestive system? You don’t have alzheimers mom wtf”

_Or running at midnight

― sarahell_


like, what, _alone_? jesus god, my panic disorder is bad enough. when i wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep i write haha

tennis is a conversation boring

otm

Porn

was steve albini the punk rock rudy van gelder?

It all goes back to the lizard Alfred knows

this is the dumbest argument to end in profanity that i can think of today

i regret my previous post.

It's sort of ironic, or maybe just absurd, that someone might actually need to try harder to be a try-hard.

Look at me everyone, I’m so jaded that I’m not bothered by a guy with a conviction for reproducing violent CSAM!

i'm dancing on his grave, alright...

...to all the sick jams he laid down!!

lol

i don't give a fuck about (person). there are people i care about who have, in the distant past, done Bad Things. that they have done Bad Things doesn't mean I don't care about them. i won't tell you, ever, who they are or what those Bad Things are, except to say that... not only are those things horrifying to me, i don't remotely understand why _anybody_ would do those things.

if someone wants to think i'm a Bad Person because i care about certain specific people who have done Bad Things, i radically accept that.

"but given that you kinda haven't ever acknowledged me or other gay or queer posters on this board"

i still wish i knew what this meant. its been bugging me. i don't want to feel like i've been excluding or ignoring people. have i been? i don't always know who is queer or even who is who on here. i don't remember everyone's story. is that terrible? it kinda becomes one person to me. the ilx person. i think i respond to people if they ask me a question or start a conversation with me. i can be rude though maybe. when i post its to everyone! not anyone in particular.

maybe i should just let it go. but it makes it sound like i ignore all the queer people! that's so sad that someone thinks that! maybe the word "acknowledged" means something that i'm not getting.

scott, I wasn't at all insulted because I thought (a) you HAD interacted with many of us queer posters (b) as I like to point out, repeatedly (I guess I'm a minority), I don't assume the worst of any poster, especially those who've been here for 20+ years.

Alfred otm. I've been trying to figure out peoples' stories here for years and years and still haven't, so it's not terrible imo. You're fine. I'm gay and have only had good impressions of you

At the top of the Boards page you can see the number of posts you've made (as your current login). Mine now number 43,000 give or take a few. Scott likely has at least 30,000. Seems improbable that none of them contain acknowledgements of ilx's many gay or queer posters.

I would've laughed had you posted that image after I'd declared an interest in being a cop, but I accept a healthy amount of ribbing from people I know well.

i just picked one of the first goofy costumes i saw. you know what's funny in retrospect? i almost picked a sexy lady cop picture but then i thought what if that poster is a woman i better not in case they think i'm being rude...

anyway i apologize again.

this is me:

*You have posted 79,852 messages*

and believe you me there are plenty i wish i could take back.

Sexy Halloween costumes are an evergreen joke IMO though none will ever top the "sexy Ebola nurse" I saw circa 2014.

i also stand by this poll from 16 years ago. for the record.

Yer Fave Gayz 4Ever Poll!

i still wish i knew what this meant. its been bugging me. i don't want to feel like i've been excluding or ignoring people. have i been? i don't always know who is queer or even who is who on here. i don't remember everyone's story. is that terrible? it kinda becomes one person to me. the ilx person. i think i respond to people if they ask me a question or start a conversation with me. i can be rude though maybe. when i post its to everyone! not anyone in particular.

― scott seward

scott, you may not know this, because i pretty much never talk about it on ilx, but i am in fact queer - a transgender woman, to be specific. i don't really feel like you've excluded or ignored me.

there is no official Queer Position on things like this, but speaking only for myself, i didn't think of your joke as "hostile".

i definitely know that you are a transgender woman, kate! i admire and enjoy your posts and i always learn something from them.

I'm shocked to see that under Boards I've already made 10,476 posts! I don't think of myself as having been a frequent poster, and am pretty sure people here don't really know me

My thought is that the number of posts it takes for other people to feel like they really know you depends on how much you open up. Some of you have been good about being open and showing who you are, flaws and all, and that pleases me so much.

I want to open up more, but have been mostly too timid in my life. I am recently not as much afraid to open up here, fuck it who cares? getting dunked on often for my dumb opinions feels like a pleasure

Negronis for everyone!

i've said a lot of things here that i have never said to anyone in my real life. very personal things. i feel safe here. i have no idea why. i don't know everybody. there are way less people than there used to be. maybe that's part of it. it feels calmer here now. i don't feel a lot of judgement though. and i feel support. and supported. i appreciate that more than any of you will ever know. which is one reason why i never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable if i can help it. i feel like i can argue with people and not have it be the end of the world. but i don't want to make jokes at anyone's expense. even if its unintentional i still feel bad. there are a few jokes that i made here years ago that i still really regret.

i would buy you all negronis for sure. i would have to settle for a mock negroni? is that even a thing?

don't know if there is such a thing

one of my best friends loves negronis, we have made them often together and I can appreciate them.

my favorite cocktail though is still a dry gin martini with olives

Map’s state is v red

You have posted 148,957 messages

Good lord!

5929 posts for me. Blimey, I'm pretty taciturn but I've been here the best part of 15 years.

I sure had a lot to way about the Eagles!

43,644

Woah

Roman Anthony gets on his horse (gyac) at 3:50 10 May 24

Look at me everyone, I’m so jaded that I’m not bothered by a guy with a conviction for reproducing violent CSAM!


I'm assuming this is directed at me, so let me day unequivocally fuck that Sotos guy, I've read enough of the stuff wrt Albini's association that I wouldn't touch a book with a 10 ft poll and frankly that's an incredibly shitty thing to say about someone.

Albini's association with him is the worst thing I've read about him by far, but in a time when I'm mourning someone who's work meant a very much to me, who obviously impacted a lot of people, and treated so many people, including friends of mine with incredible kindness, I'm not going to judge him based on the dumbest shit he said nearly 40 years ago, especially when he's the only edge lord type to even attempt to grow and recant who he was back then.

No it’s not directed at you. It was a direct response to the comment above you.

Above mine!

Honestly considering how frequently you need to make shitty posts about his shitty posts… idk maybe follow an ilx tradition and make a separate thread for pointing out his shitty posts, because your vendetta is tedious at this point

You could even poll them!!!

That’s a weird thing for someone who sent me a load of messages about their decade plus old grudge about said person to say. On the subject of tedious grudges, killfile me will you? Thanks.

Keep making your anger everyone else’s responsibility to deal with! Really kind of you