Homemade Jokes

Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?

Triteraflops

Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.

"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"

Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???

No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]

i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it

actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke

q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
a: a letter of marque

That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .

Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?
A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.

What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?

Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness

Your Gods so omnipresent...

"How omnipresent is he?!?"

Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house

I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...

No one could understand it  when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

Lol H.P.

xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!

For your respects neando, have another.

Have you heard how poor the Christians are?

"How poor are they?!?"

The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!

If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume

who was Christian Vander's favourite grunge artist?
Curt Kobaiian

There used to be a secret penis hidden in Rembrandt's The Night Watch until he was ordered to paint over it by its central figure.
He was Banninck Cocq

My son said last night right before bed, "I'm going to be like the Republicans and GO P."

Hardly a new one I'm sure but he was happy to have come up with it

I think that’s original to your son actually

What do you call an astrophysicist with a BDSM daddy fetish in your front lawn?

Kneel de grass, tie son

oh my god

knock knock
who's there?
ewan
ewan who?
ewan your mate can both fuck off

Lol at "GO P" ... that's great!

Lol doorag,
Reminds me of this YouTube great

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMh5VFdpShQ

This is for people wanting to get any easy junk joke on someone

You: So what are you putting in your coffee these days?
A: *Answer doesn't matter*
You: Yeah, I've been trying to watch my weight these days - you know about those sugar substitutes?
A: *Answer doesn't matter*
You: There's this new one I've been using that removed the sucrose from sugar. So they call it UGAR.
A: UGAR?
You: As in you gargle on *insert whatever you want*

"I'm just back from a birdwatching holiday in Bordeaux."
"Sauternes?"
"No, just a load of gulls."

Have you seen the Jennifer Love Hewitt teen movie about road tripping across England?

Kent Ardsley Wight

They say Dublin is growing fast.

But you know what city is growing even faster?

Quadruplin

thats good stuff

Sometimes when I go to the gym, I see Eddie Vedder there, working out with a few of his buddies. They were there last week, and I guess Eddie must have been trying to break his Personal Record for the bench press, the way he was grunting and growling and straining himself.

Well, he got through one rep, but then there must have been some miscommunication with the guys who were spotting him about whether he wanted to keep going. One of the guys turned away for a second, right as Eddie lost his grip on the bar, and it came crashing down on top of him. Fortunately he wasn't injured, but he jumped up real angry and yelled "Don't maul me, spotter!"

idgi, but then I don’t know any Pearl Jam song except “Jeremy”

Did you see Eddie Abbew joined Metallica on stage?

He sang "EGGS TO-NIGHT! IT'S YOUR DI-EEEET"

Q: What did little Antony Kiedis say when he went to the zoo and all the monkeys were gone?
A: Gibbon away, gibbon away, gibbon away now.

that's good but gibbon's are apes, not monkeys

oof

i heard he set a world record in sex crimes.

oh, diddy?

What's the opposite of Richard Scarry?

https://i.ibb.co/W0646Wt/MV5-BMj-Ew-Mzgy-NTI0-MF5-BMl5-Ban-Bn-Xk-Ft-ZTYw-MTQ0-OTI4-V1-1.jpg

Baaaahahahhaa

So I was in my glassblowing workshop, eh? And I was getting ready to make some Pyrex, when I realized I was out of raw materials. So I went down to the glassmaker's supply shop, but when I went to pay for my stuff, I was a loonie short, and that hoser wouldn't sell it to me. But I got a buddy who also blows glass, so I went to his house. When he opened the door, I asked him, "Can I borrow silicate?"

I was beside myself when I heard that not only was Van Morrison a huge fan of classic 80s rap, but that he was reconvening his original band to cover some of the classics of the era! But as thrilled as I was to learn about it, I was just as deflated to find out that it was a one off and they're not releasing the recordings. Now I'll never know what it sounded like... I guess Them's The Breaks

Nice

which French philosopher is also a liminal closure?
Jacques Dooridoor

Them's The Breaks could be the crossword answer for "Van Morrison Covering A Kurtis Blow Classic?"

i guess that's the joke...

indeed but perhaps it is better as a crossword clue than a joke. hmm...

cashier at the bodega got me real good with one today. can't confirm that it's homemade, but it did come free with a pack of cigarettes

cashier: you hear about that famous actress? somebody tried to kill her this morning. can't remember her name, think it was Reese something.

me: Witherspoon?

cashier: no, no, with a knife

Amazing

Q. What do you call a camel that's lost its humps?
A. Humphrey

Came up with that one while drifting off to sleep last night and woke myself up

excellent

Their first recipe was so good, they never had to make a provoltwo.

I make dumb little jokes in the dairy aisle with punchlines like, provolonely or the provolone gunman, but this has those beat by a mile.

what happened when the pope started to lose his faith as a result of a difficult lung infection? he had a respiritual crisis.