AGING PARENTS

rooting for ya dude

same, Neando.

thanks buddies.

his appeal was approved :)

skilled nursing for a few weeks which buys us time to think about next options if he doesn't improve back to his previous baseline. I don't think the LTC option would be a quick approval so he probably will have to come home.

in the meantime, the facility is less than 10 minutes away from us, making visits a lot easier (hospital is 30 away)

great news for now.

yep yep!

Sad update: my dad passed toward the end of May. It was inevitable obviously and I felt peace knowing he was finally at peace. I have a lot of things to say about this but nothing I am willing to share on a public message board.

aw I'm very sorry to hear that, and no need to expand further beyond what you're comfortable with.

<3

thank you. the service will be later this summer, looming over my head and sucking up all the air in the room until then.

So sorry to hear that, LL. You have my deepest condolences.

My condolences, LL. It's always hard to lose those we love.

my condolences, LL.

I know Medicare per se doesn't cover, wondering about Medicare Advantage and other supplemental plans

that's what I meant by medicare part b actually

Sorry for your loss, LL.

Sad update: my dad passed toward the end of May. It was inevitable obviously and I felt peace knowing he was finally at peace. I have a lot of things to say about this but nothing I am willing to share on a public message board.

Sending heartfelt condolences, LL. May his memory always be a blessing.

Yes, totally feeling relating to your whole post, LL, my condolences as well.

thanks folks. father's day has typically been fraught for me and this one feels extra hard. I am trying to remember that i have ok days as well as bad days and to give myself the freedom to feel how i feel.

so sorry, LL, best wishes to you and yours

Hope you get to feel from peace soon.

father's day has typically been fraught for me and this one feels extra hard.

you're not alone. several of the worst days of my entire life fell on father's day. this will be my first one since my daughter died. not sure how I'll be feeling tbh.

O shit Aimless, did not know about that! So sorry.

I remember hearing you talk about your daughter Aimless, and very sorry you have to go through that this year :(

dad has pneumonia. because of course he does. and he probably had it for days and the hospital didn't notice as they were just waiting for approval to transfer him and not checking for these things.

already on antibiotics. this skilled nursing place is on it.

My mom went on a river cruise in Germany and Austria this week and didn't catch Covid, so that's good news. She'll be home tomorrow.

Sent this article about late-night TV animal guy Jack Hanna, who now has Alzheimer's, to my mom, because Hanna apparently lives in the town I moved to back in March. She replied telling me that there's a history of Alzheimer's in the family — her grandfather and her uncle both had it. But no sign of it in her, yet, so that's good.

so Aetna wants to basically release dad from the skilled nursing facility. we're appealing but we're starting the application for ICP (Institutional Care Program) to put him in a facility full-time.

it's sad but it's time. we are overmatched caring for him here, and mom and I took both emotional and physical tolls over the last three years that I don't think we're able to sustain.

the place he's at now, which we like, also has a bed available, but I don't know how long this application process will take.

I'm dealing with the usual feeling guilty for doing it as I promised dad when he went to the hospital three weeks ago he'd be back with us in no time. but then I remember the ugly moment two months ago when both mom and I, physically and emotionally at a breaking point, screamed at each other and know that this would likely happen again, esp since he's in a diminished state and has lost a lot of weight.

guilt doesn't help anybody and we have visited him every day for the last three weeks (all three of us, brother included), and we shower him with love.

Jesus, man. Hang in there. You're doing heroic work.

I understand the guilt. Your dad deserves the best, most loving care. But that can't alter the fact that you and your mom can't deliver that standard of care by yourselves without doing yourselves serious mental and physical harm. Which is not an outcome that helps any of you. Sometimes painful choices are the only ones available and you need to go with the least harmful, knowing in advance whatever you do will have painful consequences. What you're choosing for him is still a pure reflection of your love for your dad, even though it doesn't feel like it because we like to think that love isn't supposed to hurt that much.

Absolutely agree, Aimless. We just got my mother-in-law moved to a care facility. There is no way any of us can care for her, it's beyond our capabilities. To acknowledge that is not weakness, it's compassion.

lucked out, the application is pretty much identical to the one we got approved for, so I filled it out much the same way with updated details, and it is now submitted. hoping that we can keep him where he's at as they've done a wonderful job w/ him at the new place.

here's hoping it resolves rapidly and for the best

thanks!

so naturally my brother is trying to push back on this idea. It took every bit of restraint for me not to write back "So glad you are comfortable telling us how dad should be cared for when it's not you that has to fucking do it - go on and tell Mom and I what we should be doing different, then, while you live your life unimpeded!"

but I didn't, and this morning I wrote a much calmer but long message basically telling him that Mom and I have been in over our heads for a while and it's caused us physical and mental strain, and that it's far better for him to be in a place with equipment and trained professionals rather than two civilians who barely know what they're doing.

everybody has been suggesting institutional care and we've dismissed it simply because we didn't think we could afford it, and now we realize we can thanks to the Community Spouse provision of ICP.

I had this chat w/ him mostly because I don't want him getting mom mega upset today when they talk, as I'm going out of town for the day and won't be here to jump in and tell him to fuck off. she already broke down crying on Wednesday as she thinks dad doesn't know who we are anymore (I don't think that's the case, but I can understand why she thinks that - he's non-responsive lately).

mom and I agreed anyway that our bro's opinion on this gets significantly less weight than ours because he's not actively participating in the care. that was my stipulation from day 1 - he deserves to be included on what we're doing, but he doesn't get to override our decision (and technically it's mom's decision as his POA)

Kepro denied our appeal. Reconsideration request sent, which is end of the line.

which means if denied paying for room and board at this skilled nursing facility falls to us come Monday. sigh. of course this latest development happens as I get ready to see the Misfits.

i'm just gonna forget about it and enjoy myself as I've done all I can do tonight.

Should keep him LTC as “Medicaid Pending.”

That's what I was wondering because I had read that!

That's what mom and I are gonna figure out today.

Thanks Quincie

we're visiting today to make them aware he's now Medicaid-Pending (Access Florida has received teh application and has it officially as pending).

thanking the lord this is a much easier process than the LTC application/wait list process.

ICP vs LTC, so many acronyms, so confusing

facility is helping us w/ the application. I had alraedy submitted it but of course they ask you for a sea of supporting documentation. which we seem to have already gathered! thankfully we kept it all together after last time.

my mom naturally neglected to tell me she had a CD account AND gave me the wrong info on her life insurance as having no cash value, but fortunately the combined assets are well below the limits.

last time we applied they picked up on all of the Zelle payments I sent my mother thinking it was income but I pointed out to them that this isn't 'income' this was me sending money for rent/bills that mom pays and they said that was ok.

One year out from my mother’s passing and still plenty to think about. That’s all I will say.

i always just assumed if anyone came to live with me it would have been my mom and not what i have now which is my dad because mom lived right and my dad lives on candy, lemon soda, and cereal and has never ever exercised. and i can't help but think about what it would have been like the other way around. my mom got the alzheimer's and had to go live in a facility after she started visiting the neighbors late at night and my dad is 88 and still lives on candy and lemon soda and cereal. he's got god and the people in his family like his mom who lived to be 100+ on his side.
and i'll tell you what it would have been like the other way around. if my mom lived with me my kitchen would be IMMACULATE every day. so, that's my WHAT IF.
and i love my dad but my dad...and this is no exaggeration...doesn't know how to do ANYTHING. i don't think...and again this is not hyperbole...i don't think my dad has EVER made a pot of coffee. for real. i don't think he knows how to do it. my mom did it and then when she couldn't do it he would go to the convenience store or the coffee shop. i don't think i have ever seen my father do dishes. i have never seen him cut a vegetable in my life. he has never cooked a meal in his life. unless heating a can of ravioli on the stove counts. he basically lived at home until he got married and he never lifted a finger at his childhood home and only did stuff in a disgruntled boy way if my mom yelled at him long enough. he would mow the lawn. trim the hedges. he DOES know how to eat candy and read the Wall Street Journal and watch Blue Bloods though. And read crime novels. He is very good at these things. he worked a lot. that's his excuse. i don't know what his excuse is for the last 20 years. i didn't see him much when i was a kid. he travelled a lot. my mom did EVERYTHING. which, in the end, is why he lives with us. him at home alone was a sad sight and only getting sadder.
he never taught me how to do anything. But he did give me my love of jazz. so, all is good.

was that too mean? just felt like venting. this is a support group, right?

beth parker started this thread!! that's how old it is. i love beth. i hope to see her someday soon. maria saw her not long ago.

ya dude vent away.

my mom for the first time ever was "watching the kids" while i worked, since i am alone with them for a bit. it took less than an hour for them to literally almost kill her. my best guess is they accidentally ran into her while she was getting some water and bowled her over. she's not been in the best shape since surviving a stroke and the kids are supposed to know the "rules" about playing with grandma (no jumping on her, don't ask to play tag etc). but having to *firmly* remind them of her limitations while she was in earshot kinda felt crappy... but man when i came down the steps and saw her on her side in the hallway, soaked, with my three year old on top of her screaming like a banshee i thought she was fucking dead.
i was literally dialling 911 when she waved me off insisting she was fine.

scary!

it felt good to vent. i do love my dad. i like having him with us! i like feeding him. he has eaten more salad in a year than he has probably ever eaten. he still gets his candy and soda in but we sneak food in there somehow. i try to be patient. we have laughed a lot. we have watched a lot of american football. we both miss my mom.

kinda prosaic, but i beg you all to try to secure as many of their websites/accounts/passwords as you can while you can. especially the email stuff, of course. trying to get access to shit like credit cards/gmail/amazon without it is a fucking nightmare

Scott, we ran into a lot of similar issues when my Dad passed away and my (pre-dementia) Mom had to suddenly start trying to make sense of monthly financial statements, talking to people at the bank, and learning to hang up on callers who began with 'we believe your Windows OS has been compromised. . .' Most people my age (62) and younger have lived alone at some point and thus have a little experience in all parts of running a household, but like your folks my parents went right from their parents' home at 22 (Dad) and 19 (Mom) into the marriage, at which point the traditional division-of-labor immediately started. My wife and I joke that if my mom had predeceased my dad, we'd have had to teach my dad how to shop for groceries and turn on the stove.

So DCF approved my dad's Medicaid application! For at-home care. When we applied for ICP (institutional care) benefits. I'm at a loss as to how they fucked this up. These are separate options on the application, not even similarly named, and I checked, and we chose the right one.

So we talked on the phone, and they tried to tell me the nursing home/I submitted the wrong application, that we requested at-home care and not ICP. I pushed back twice saying we chose the Medical assistance for person in nursing home option, which even the nursing home (who submits these daily) said was the right one. And then I found the initial response letter from them which acknowledges that the application is for a nursing home, tells us they can't choose one for dad, but that we need a nursing home placement form filled out (which the skilled nursing facility did fill out and send back).

after pushing back a few times (politely), the lady said she was going to recode the form and re-send it internally.

the nursing home said this "happens all the time" to them. but my main concern is, if we resubmit, then the benefits probably won't go back retroactive to when he was first admitted, meaning we'd be on the hook. so I'm working with someone there now to make sure that doesn't happen.

really just fucking sick of their ineptitude. we had a similar issue when we applied for home health, where they wrote back to say my mother was denied for Medicaid (when she hadn't even applied for it), and the Senior REsource Alliance had also failed to provide timely documentation to them despite us having contacted our case manager there four times with the requested information.

I should have known - they kept asking us to verify two bank accounts that we didn't include on the application, that were from the original application in 2021 for home health, and I couldn't figure out why or where they got that from. seems like they were looking at the wrong packet.