AGING PARENTS

Oh hello panic attacks; you've come around again. (Familiarity in this case has bred contempt.) Hoping that tomorrow I will see my mother and we will get constructive work done.

j.lu, sorry you are going through this. Wishing you the best - try to focus on maintaining yourself - you'll be in a much better space to help others.

think we've reached shit/fan time

my mom emailed me tonight saying that she wouldn't make thanksgiving because she didn't feel comfortable making the drive. (fair.) i replied that she needn't drive as four days ago i had discussed with her and purchased a train itinerary that was sent to every single email account of hers i'm aware of. and that if she couldn't remember that, it was a problem

then we spoke for 20 minutes on the phone while she searched for emails -- she did actually find the most recent one, but avoided mentioning that 'it was a problem' when she read it to me -- and again and again misconstrued the departure times. basically there's no way she makes that train trip without someone physically positioning her at each of the key points

i don't even know where she'll end up, but she can't stay in hordeopolis. and i guess i'll get to sort it

my aunt fell and hurt her arm last night and i can’t get her to just sit down and stop doing things

i insisted on doing the dishes. she is doing the dishes

i can understand why my cousins are so frustrated with and worried about her lol

My 79-year-old mother came for a visit a few weeks ago. I have to say she's doing great. She's happy in her life, very active, in some ways in better physical shape than she was, say, 10 years ago. I'm trying really hard to focus on how well she's doing and not on how little time she may have left. (I do take encouragement from the fact that her father was very hard to kill; despite abusing his body for decades, he made it to nearly 90.)

Back to ER we go with dad. Mostly precautionary - he's had a nasty bout of diarrhea for weeks that subsided but returned. We think it might be a blockage of stool, as when there's a mass of stool, sometimes a paradoxical bout of diarrhea occurs so the body can get feces out from behind the blockage.

It sucks but my current mood day = this is nothing.

Hope things are okay with yr dad!

thanks tabes. he's home. he's constipated but not enough to keep him there, they gave him a prescription for Glycolax and Augmentin for his UTI, and he's home. twice we've changed him only for him to shit his new diaper before we got him stood up (not his fault at all....poor guy).

things have been pretty smooth lately but now I have to deal w/ mom's frequent freakouts, no matter how much I offer to take off of her plate (nevermind my own blood pressure, which lately sits around 140/100, which I'm addressing w/ the doctor today).

hospital were a bunch of shitheads and I think we're done going to this one. I was there from 6:30 pm - 3:30 am with a little break in between, and he still hadn't been seen by a doc, patients spilling into hallways, only one doctor in the ER.

Yes, take care of yourself too, man! Hope you can find a good way to get yr BP into a more
manageable place, tho obviously you have a lot on yr plate and some of that stress might be out of yr control. Be gentle with yrself!

Reading this thread and steeling myself. My parents and in-laws are all between the ages of 74 and 78, all still living at their own homes etc (and heck my father-in-law is still working), but multiple signs of looming issues. My siblings and I talk about our parents a lot (I live farthest away, so I rely on them for updates), and we all know that a crisis point can come at any time but for now there's not much to do except wait to see what it is. I have so many friends with parents in various stages of decline and assisted living (and of course many whose parents have already died). So it's like, my wife and I feel lucky right now to still have all of our parents in moderately good health, but we know it's not a sustainable situation. We can't even really plan anything, because things could go so many different directions that there's no way to prepare except a general awareness that things will change.

xpost thanks tabes. I successfully got a new prescription today.

unfortunately we took dad back to the ER. dad's diarrhea has been like non-stop, like Old Faithful erupting, copious amounts. since they've confirmed he's impacted, clearly the diarrhea is his body's way of trying to get feces out around the stool, which means its bad. we can't do an enema easily in our house and that's probably what he needs.

we went to a better hospital though. waiting now.

Sorry to hear. I had a small bowel obstruction recently and it was...just ungodly painful

sorry to hear that, i can imagine. and dad in his limited capacity did indicate he's in some kind of pain.

once again they're trying to discharge him. I'm finding this very weird since in the past, when we had a similar scenario, he was admitted for a few days to treat that and his UTI, so I can only surmise they want to free up the bed.

mom, though, pushed back (and did a good job) and asked if they could keep him to observe, and wanted the doctor to talk to her, because the amount of diarrhea he's having is beyond anything we've ever seen w/ him before, and it's been happening for two weeks. i guess they want to push the medication angle but we couldn't even administer any before he started going ridiculous amounts again.

it also boils down to my mother is having freakouts every time he goes that much, and neither her nor I can clean him up by myself when he's like that (usually it takes two nurses to clean him up at most facilities). I can't listen to mom screaming/freaking out every time, esp when I'm working or leading a class, and it's a two person job, and my brother is about to be out of the country. so I'm hoping they just help us by keeping him a few days or sending him to a facility while he 'heals' so that we can get him back when his bowels are normal.

part of the problem is also no doctors really explaining well what's going on so that's why talking to them will help.

Jeez Neanderthal, I'm sorry. Everything I hear about trying to get access to hospital care these days is quasi-nightmarish. And we're really just at the leading edge of baby boomers needing this level of care, I'm afraid this system is going to just break down.

It was horrible 30 years ago, it's unrecognizable now.

Hospital killed my grandpa in the 90s, I guess at least they haven't done that

I'm at my wit's end.

this morning, my mother went down there and a bunch of nice doctors explained dad's situation (mild impaction) and that they'd give him an enema to clear it, and then if that was enough, they'd send him home. and that'd stop the 'diarrhea', which is really feces escaping around the impaction.

nothing happened with that all day, and after I left for day, my mother calls later, and is told he's being discharged, and oh you silly goose why would we give him an enema, he has diarrhea?

I called back and pointed out (again) that the doctors had told us this and was told another nurse had said this was likely a 'mistake' and intended for another patient, which first of all WHAT THE FUCK, THAT'S NOT OK, second of all, come on, the description by the doctor completely matched my dad's situation, they were clearly talking about him and not another patient. and I pointed out to the nurse this wasn't 'diarrhea', this was an impaction that feces were leaking around, and she sat there dumbfounded. she was nice and suggested calling case management in the morning.

I already filed complaints with both Advents with the AHCA for Florida, and basically accused the latter of fraud, stating if there was no enema being administered, why the fuck did they let him stay there all day and rack up charges, when all we asked them for was an overnight observation?

It's probably a mistake but my week off has been fucking ruined with all of this shit. now i get to wake up early and fight another battle.

like this isn't a small amount of diarrhea and my mom and I are being whiny babies, like this is food poisoning levels of diarrhea. I don't mean to be graphic, so I'll hide the text, but he had feces completely smeared across his penis, testicles, leg, everywhere, which is why he has a UTI, and we'd clean him up only for him to go again before we even stood him up, and we'd have to change the diaper a SECOND time. and then he'd go again. he's going every fifteen fucking minutes. this isn't an infant, this is a 170 pound man. we're not built for this, and it can't be good for him to keep getting UTIs and getting dehydrated. not to mention he was in physical discomfort.

they want us to fix the problem with a stool softener, which historically has never worked on dad. we gave him Miralax for weeks once and he still didn't shit, and that lead to a hospital visit.

what doesn't help is cleaning him up is a two person job due to his lack of mobility and weight, and my mom is at the point of freaking out every time he has diarrhea and it's a massive effort to calm her and myself down. we don't have a nurse anymore as we had to release her so mom could get paid 15 hours/week for caretaking. she's in a lot of pain with nerve issues. I can't do this by myself. my brother is about to leave the country for weeks.

we may have to look into another week of respite care, but idk how long that would take for approval.

but maybe it's all a mistake and they'll enema him tomorrow

jeez dude, that's a lot for you all to bear. your poor dad! and mom! and you as well :( wtf at that hospital, damn

a two person job, and my brother is about to be out of the country

at least it's good to potentially infer from this that your brother has been helping out more lately, after the previous few years? strength to you for dealing with each member of the immediate family, let alone all at once

dad's home. they gave him an enema. the nurse was wrong.

quite 'hilariously', there's no reference to the enema in the discharge paperwork, and all of the discharge instructions are clearly written from the perspective of him having like, traditional diarrhea, and not obstructive diarrhea, and neither nurse that discharged him seemed aware that he had one.

how do we know he had one? well, cos mom walked in while it was happening, and they told her that's what they were doing.

meanwhile, the doctor's notes referencing enema are clear and appear multiple times on their website, so how the nurse didn't see them, I don't know.

I have an open complaint where I'll detail all of this but right now dad just being home and doing ok is enough for me.

Stuff's much calmer now with dad home. He's not "going" much, which is always the issue after he has an enema it seems, possibly long term.

Financially, I'm being leveraged to the brink and I'm worried. Mom got through the entire application process to be paid as a caretaker a month ago practically, only for the last piece (training us how to record the time), went nowhere.

Case manager was alarmed to hear we hadn't heard back and went on an all out harassment campaign, only to finally hear from them today, and set up an appointment. The contact was apparently sick and apparently they have two employees or some shit.

Mom in the interim has borrowed about $400-$500 from me in a manner of weeks and still owes me something like $400 from before.

I make 70k a year, but I got reckless with my credit/debt, somewhat out of helping her, but also self destructive behavior a year or two ago, including a 2k gambling loss. In one year I've lost something like 8k and have no idea how.

Very worried about getting backed into a corner and having to file bankruptcy myself. Not there yet AND if I no longer have to lend money I could possibly reverse it in time.

Not the greatest feeling when my bank account is getting lighter and I haven't even bought a single Christmas gift.

My brother just went to England and Italy so now he's cash short (and got engaged) so I assume he will cease helping.

I told mom this in interest of honesty but was careful to tell her it wasn't her fault.

(don't get it twisted, I'm not broke or anywhere near. But losing money that fast could put me there quickly of I don't stop the bleeding)

N can I ask what program this is where your mom can get paid as a caretaker? This has some relevance to my in-laws’ situation.

it's through Medicaid through Florida. there was a lengthy application process, several forms, we had to get fingerprinted, etc, but it apparently will pay $15/hour for up to 15 hours a week at first.

not sure if it varies by state (quincie?).

Thanks- I’m in FL too.

oh cool! yeah then...you can probably use the same process. i'll have to see where mom found the info on how to do it

Awesome- many thanks! My webmail works.

Yep, varies by state. Good work on getting enrolled!

as if everything being terrible weren't enough, i have been informed this morning that there is a raccoon living in the basement of my childhood home where my mom now lives alone. i have tried everything imaginable to get her to consider leaving. i feel like i am in a nightmare?!

Oh, so sorry.

we had raccoons in the attic when i was small, they can be scary beasties! would her local animal control division be any help? not with the larger issue of her wanting to stay alone, of course -- i wish there was some way to make the people we care about do what's best for them (she says, while not doing what's best for her)

i'm really sorry, ll. <3

she called animal control, i staved off the freakout as well as i could after losing my morning to it
she is going to need to get comfortable with accepting other people's help bc i cannot and will not manage my way through this situation alone

Seems really good that *she* called animal control; some are past that, one way or another.
Animal control should also give advice on blocking access---I don't have a basement, but the critter man (private contractor, by the job or membership) told me to cut back greenery to keep 'em out of attic, which I did, also he put metal over some cracks in wood trim etc.---no prob since, so worth it.

Really sorry that you had to deal with that, LL

Raccoons (heart) chimneys, so if you have a fireplace, you may need a chimney cap to keep the raccoons out. Any chimney cleaner can install one, or if you're not afraid of heights, you can buy one at the local home store and install it yourself.

although bear in mind that many, many brain injuries are the product of people thinking they are safer up ladders than they actually are!

Im guessing the flue has been closed since the 80s — my mom found a broken window and assumes that’s how it got in. It and whoever else has set up house in the basement.

I agree that it’s good that she called — when she cooperates w me, things genuinely get better. When she fights me or resists my help (when she knows I’m right) it inflames my nervous system really badly and doesn’t help her situation either.

Yeah, was thinking it might be one of those little windows I associate with basements: just a little break or crack in a little pane can be enough for a critter to squeeze or push through, even with bars over the window, so I'm told (not actually having a basement, as I said). Would try to make sure about the flue, whenever feasible, as well.

my spouse and i have been trying to get her parents to relocate or reconfigure their current living situation. single floor preferred but it's been all pushback. they have a narrow staircase to the bedroom/bathroom, no reliable help within immediate driving distance, etc.....

The guy is coming to place the traps and close off the window this morning. I asked her to request that he look around the house for any other signs of animal activity as well. I mean he’s there, might as well take a looksie.

The envy I have for people whose parents are so well adjusted & resourced that they take care of their own welfare without protest is completely off the charts. I’ve always had family envy but hearing folks talk about how their parents are downsizing of their own volition and taking. care of their business without incident — such a fortunate bunch.

Embarrassing to admit this but I’m certain I’m not alone in feeling this way. I don’t wish them any harm obvs I’m just quietly envious.

I'm sorry LL, good luck with the guy!

The reality of aging parents hit us really hard this winter so far. At one point between Christmas and New Year's Day, three of our four parents were in the hospital. Thankfully my MIL has fully recovered from her serious RSV, but my FIL passed away from pneumonia and my father is still recovering a brain bleed (that has also uncovered other health concerns which he has withheld from us for over a decade!). It has been a lot to process and I still don't think I've done so, we've been in react and survive mode for many weeks now.

To LL's point, my FIL was an eccentric artist, a wonderful guy, but he squirreled himself away in his three-story house and would not be budged to move elsewhere, no matter how hard my wife tried. We expected a mess (literal, emotional and figurative) when he passed, but it has been so much harder than expected - none of his wishes were written down, no will, no instructions and an absolutely packed three-story house to deal with. It's going to be a long process, but it has certainly motivated my wife and I to not do this to our son.

fuck i'm in a spot. My mother lives in south dakota (i'm in the bay area) and has stage 4 cancer, which is mostly in her liver now and adrenal gland (started in lungs but seemed to clear up there). She's been on chemo for two years at this point, long past the point she was supposed to have died; and she's still kind of ambulatory and functional. we have almost no family left in the area because they've all died (native american and most people still in that area kicked off from diabetes in their 60's; she's 72 now). I have her 82 year old best friend watching after her (she's built like a tank and very healthy); my sister and I have been switching off going up there for a while but I had a nervous breakdown this winter and didn't go up for a few months (I got laid off from my second job in 12 months in october and am still looking for work; I support a wife and a teenager).

I've got a dinwdling savings and am desperately trying to find work as an engineering director/manager but obv the industry is on fire and it's been really tough. Add to that now having to go back to Rapid City for at least the next week and take my mom's keys away since she insists on driving, but she keeps getting lost and is driving recklessly now according to my sister and friend. Her grey matter is deteriorating as a result of the chemo and possibly just because she's dying. She will not leave her home permanently, we tried to move her to my sister's in Washington and she refused; I can try to convince her to come to my place though we barely have room but it wouldn't be forever. Or I can go up there and take a huge loan on her house to pay for someone to stay with her; or I can basically fucking move there indefinitely, abandon my family back here, look for work while there, make sure she doesn't kill herself, and make sure my wife sends me weed in the mail so I don't fucking lose my mind entirely.

Just venting.

AKM, I'm sorry; best wishes to you, your mom, and your family. Agree that the first priority is getting the car keys. If your family has the resources, and if your mom would consider the idea, I would try to convince her to temporarily move to a care facility in Rapid City, be it assisted living or hospice care -- this would get her out of immediate danger and would give you/your sister a few weeks to clear your heads and evaluate your options. This sounds bad, but don't be afraid to be opportunistic here -- in our case, my mom (dementia) had landed in the ER after inadvertently overdosing on meds; the doctors basically refused to discharge her anywhere except to a care facility, so this gave us the chance we needed to get her into a safe place while we found a place she could go medium-term. Also, given the cognitive decline, you should know whether your mom has set out who would make her health care/financial decisions if she isn't capable and the steps necessary under SD law to get a declaration of incapacity so that you/your sister could quickly take the reins if necessary. Good luck; keep us posted.

Thanks JW. Yea all things I’m considering. I’m lucky she owns her home so we can potentially use that equity, I just wish I knew how long this was going to go on. I believe we are already named as decoders on medical care but def don’t have power of attorney, that’ll be really fun so sort out.

These old people are so attached to their freedom. I get it but they get to a point where they seem to have no idea how much that freedom becomes a source of pain for their families. Someone throw me off a bridge when I get older. By which I mean
Before my next birthday when I turn 51.

Very sorry akm.