Homemade Jokes

We were in the middle of a discussion about whether the plays of Shakespeare were *really* written by Shakespeare, when I pointed out I had no tools to prune my roses.

It was a non-secateur!

Indeed, and a rose by any other name would smell as sheath

So I found myself sitting on the edge of my roof, inside a golf ball. Gutter percher!

How do pigeons change their government?

They have a coo!

Hray!

I was served a kebab in the Sultan of Egypt's palace. It looked like it contained only meat.

Summoning the chef, I asked "Is Saladin here?"

Q: Do you like Sea Change?
A: (thinking it's the album by Beck) Yes!
Q: (opens wide to reveal a mouthful of coins) See? Change!

Sounds like someone's on a sea change diet.

sea change in the conference room

A kid is trying to teach a classmate how to alter the grade on his report card.

"Change the C you wish to B"

ooh that's good

"looking forward to herring from you soon" - tell-tale signs your work correspondent is actually an Arctic gull

On the Pixies' Doolittle track No.13 Baby, there's a lyric about a "tattood tit, say number 13" - this implies the existence of a tattood tit with the number 12, dozen tit?

What is it with these feminists always complaining about "the male gays"? So much for the tolerant left.

Lol

A man was having a relationship with a woman, until one night, he was caught cheating. She immediately dumped him, and placed a curse on him - if he had sex with anybody, as soon as he threw away the contraceptive, they would disappear in a puff of smoke.
After coming home from his job as a circus clown, he found his girlfriend looking puzzled at a photo album. In it were pictures of his ex that had placed the curse.

"Who is this - you've never told me about her?", she asked.

The man frowned and told her the whole backstory, sobbing due to his guilt.

The woman laughed and said "Why are you worried? We've been having sex for weeks, and used contraceptives every time, and I haven't disappeared yet!"

The man sighed and said "Yeah, but one of those kids from the circus will probably throw away their balloon animal soon".

What did the 0 say to the 8?

'Nice belt.'

airlines order livery for their planes from specialised companies that deliver, but when they want to remove it again that's also delivery.

Like they always say, find you a good hepatologist who delivers.

My husband went on holiday with an evil spirit from Native American mythology

Wendigo?

Eight weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him and I’m worried sick

What does Thom Yorke crave when he's hankering for an English snack?

He wants a perfect butty.

crepe

weird dough

What happened to Willie Dixon after spending the evening in over a dozen pubs?

The twelve bar blues.

Why do melons never marry?

Because they cantaloupe.

!

Why did the thieves want to steal a file cabinet?

They were organized criminals.

melon joke is brilliant

This joke was just told to me by a colleague I'm working with, referencing another one of our colleagues with whom we are struggling, professionally-creatively:

A man goes in for a therapy appointment. The therapist asks how it's going. The man says, "I'm having a hard time at work. Everyone is incompetent. They don't do what I ask. They are telling me they need time that I cannot give them. I ask for work from them and they come back with results that aren't what I'm asking for."

The therapist says, "let's try an exercise." The therapist produces a series of photographs. The first photograph is a photo of a winter landscape, snow and wind and ice. "What season do you see here?" asks the therapist. "It is summer," says the man.

The therapist produces another photograph. It shows some people caught in a blizzard, trudging through the snow. "What season do you see here?" asks the therapist. "It is summer, clearly," says the man.

The therapist produces another photograph. A mountain chalet has been buried in an avalanche, and people are attempting to dig their way out. "What season is this?" asks the therapist. "It's summer again," says the man.

The therapist is perplexed. "Are you sure it is summer? There is snow on the ground, people are bundled up in winter jackets." "I know," says the man, "it's just a really shitty summer."

lmao

Is a millinerian trying to get their hat right for the impending apocalypse?

A guy orders an Edvard Grieg recording from Discogs, but he ends up leaving negative feedback. It wasn't in Peer Gynt condition.

I've decide to open a nursery to sell plants, but I don't have enough yet, I need to do that thing to produce more of them, y'know, that thing?

Propagate?

Yes, our security's excellent!

I was in the pub and this fella I knew came in, walked over to say hello, but just stood there when there was a perfectly good chair in front of him. So I said

"As the works foreman said to the apprentice at the Factory Records pressing plant....

Don't stand on Ceremony!"

The Rubáiyát of Victor Kiam. Worst poem ever.

A sheep walks into a pub.
The landlord says, "You can't come in here, you're baa'd"

Do you guys know where focaccia bread got its name?

So one day, this kid from a little Italian village goes to school with his lunch sack.

When it's time for lunch, he opens the sack and pulls out some salami, some cheese and some olives.

The teacher looks down at him and says " Whatsamada?! You focaccia bread?!"

That reminds me of another story about that same kid. He was always getting into food-related mix-ups. One time he came home from the market with ingredients for his family's Christmas dinner. His mother says, "Are you crazy? Why'd you get 2 geese?! We can't afford this!" "I got an extra one like you asked, mama," says the kid. "You told me to get some onions, garlic, broccoli, and a spare-a goose!"

https://www.christart.com/images/clipart/1834/asparagus.png

[this is one of my most groanworthy homemade jokes]

I'll atone with another one I've been developing:

What do Chubby Checker and M. Night Shyamalan have in common?

A: They both grew up in greater Philadelphia

A sheep walks into a pub.
The landlord says, "You can't come in here, you're baa'd"

― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Thursday, October 19, 2023 8:26 AM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

He should've known he was bleaty-sixed

I'll atone with another one I've been developing:

What do Chubby Checker and M. Night Shyamalan have in common?

A: They both grew up in greater Philadelphia

― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, October 19, 2023 11:49 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

this is incredible

very very delayed lol ... but that's fucking amazing

omg I just now got it, lol

Holy shit, same.

I am lost

Lol, same!

Actually I don’t get it.

come on baby
just do the
Greater Philadelphia

^^^ and once you've worked that out, which admittedly took me far too long, the fact that they both actually did grow up near Philly (which is probably not common knowledge?) is incredible.

The joke is that both Chubby and M. Knight like to dance the Watusi

Oh god right okay now I see. I was wracking my brain for any admittedly poor knowledge of Philadelphia. Even looked up "Philadelphia twist" which according to Urban Dictionary is a type of handjob lol