does anyone hate themself?

aawww, that's seriously one of the sweetest things I've ever read on here! I blame hstencil.

''but i think i have lowered my expectations of life so much, and have narrowed myself so much, there is little to feel.''

that's kind of applies for me as well.

I've always been known for putting my foot in my mouth so don't I'll ever be able to completely change. But I have vowed to be more consicous of it so I can avoid feeling stupid.

In the meantime, I'm my own worse enemy and am wrecking my self-esteem from the inside out.

:(

(I want to emphasise that I don't think this ALL the time, it seems to come and go and random. At the moment I think I'm brill and so is everyone else, probably partly cos of my new hair, but a fortnight ago I was feeling terrible. I reckon it's got something to do with cake.)

But, y'know what? I have so many things that I can be happy about. Witty repartee on ILX being one of them!

I can be thankful for running water and electricity if I choose to compare myself to Darfur. I have learned that my despair doesn't solve anything.

I have really amazing cousins, who have been excellent with communicating about deaths/funerals/aunts and mothers. I have the chance to talk with my Aunt Alice, and my mother, as Alice goes through the chemo. I don't have insurance, but I have a car. My primary relationship seems to keep weathering all of the rocky stuff, and we might go bowling together, tonight!

The substitute teaching has really made me have a different perspective. It's as cheesy as "Everything I Ever Needed To Know I learned In Kindergarten..." - I mean, the same rules apply!
I got weepy yesterday, after subbing, because of this one boy who always sits near my desk (not mine, but the big teacher desk), takes a crayon and draws a huge graph, and basically writes a 28 panel comic. For some reason, all of the hope in the world was made resonant by his artistic impulse.

Winter can be a bummer. I'm happier with long days and blooming things. Most of the kids were drawing sunshine and flowers yesterday. With the blue sky as a line across the top, and the green grass as a line across the bottom. And flowers, all in a row.

I hope this post makes sense.

depression is a bitch but fortunately i'm not really feeling depressed now. it seems when depression lifts this nasty little voice in my head awakens and tries to bring me down again. bastard!

it's faulty thinking, most self-esteem problems are, and I hope to beat it into submission.

The nasty little voice IS the depression. Knocking on your door. I want to send you a big stick for the beating it into submission part!

Another very simple, and logical thing is exercise. I'm not always so great at leaving the house if I feel blue, yet one vigorous walk down the street almost always lifts my spirits.

Beating depression into submission via martial arts has worked for a few friends of mine!
I imagine you wielding a stick against the depression, in a woman warrior outfit.

ah yes my depression never truly leaves. although it's much more quiet these days.

(i'm usually sam but misery is just fine as well. see above.)

Yes, it does. And to me it sounds like a fairish amount of what you are feeling is not so much depression as grief.

Depression is a hard thing to sort out. It can be caused by just plain chemical imbalances in your brain, in which case, no amount of 'perspective' is going to make you more hopeful. You will need a doctor to help you decide if you require some sort of anti-depressant drugs or similar therapy to climb out of that hole.

Depression can also be a temporary side effect of just coping with horrid situations. Luckily, this second sort is easier to wrestle with and ghet past. In this second circumstance the difference between sadness/grief and depression is that if you are feeling genuinely sad, then you are feeling something. This can tip over into depression when you start to supress and avoid feeling your grief, and you just go numb and stop feeling much of anything.

Usually, going numb in the face of grief or sadness is founded on one's sense that, either the grief is too big to face, or that if you stop to notice how you feel it will incapacitate you, or prevent you from carrying out your pressing responsibilities. This is a decent sort of coping skill, but it is hard to shut off. The "cure" is to make sure you identify, or set aside, times when you are allowed to feel like shit, to cry, to shake, to claw at your face, or whatever acts express your feelings most pungently.

Believe me, I know about this second kind of depression and it feels like an endless mountain of pain you are condemned to dig through. But, it is not endless, and the only real way forward is to go through. It is a hundred times easier to go through this if you have some emotional support from friends or family.

Good luck. Don't give up.

Would you like to go any farther with this? if you like to make yourself feel good by making a nasty, one line comment in reference to a long post, go right ahead. I hope your day was made brighter by being an asshole.

it can often be a good to think of how unfortunate we are even in the worst of times. It can help to give you some perspective.

I have a perverse genius for doing the wrong thing. Why shouldn't I hate myself?

Self-loathing and self-disgust seem to be more common than self-hatred. But then there's that whole, nasty thing about self-harming that I can't really wrap my head around, either.

I hate myself all of the time. It comes from growing up in a military family. Self-hatred prepares you for confrontation with thine enemy.

it's easy to be to weak to survive and too weak to kill yourself

@tree_bro
I feel like shit and i hate myself <-- CAN ANYBODY RELATE TO THIS??? ANYBODY/??? ON THE INTERNET?????

I hate who I am around certain people.

99% of my current anger issues come from the feeling that id like to kick my own ass

what is 1% from?

his ass

Lol

i wrote this down in a word document after a bad experience with w33d a couple years ago

our relationship with ourselves is unbearably, cloyingly close so of course it leads to resentment, even disgust. the solution is to focus on things outside the self but this can only be a distraction. in a deep, primordial sense i'm not sure people can ever really unproblematically love themselves the way they can love other people.

i'm not sure if i fully believe this anymore but i do know that i resent people who report liberating having liberating insights after taking drugs

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