AGING PARENTS

(so I muddled the timeline a bit there, but it goes - folks moved from NY to Ft Myers, FL in the early 70s, by the 80s had moved to Central Florida, stayed here until 2009, when they moved to Raleigh, NC (trying to start over after bankruptcy...ha), then came back here in 2015 (whereas my bro and I have been rooted to the spot since we were born here). The hospital I was born at is 5 minutes away from my apt lol.

Mom for whatever reason, known only to her, frequently throws away plungers. today she plugged the toilet up and as I got ready to get the plunger, she told me "oh I don't think I have one anymore", and when I asked why the fuck she threw it away, she kept saying "it was in the wastebasket!" after the last time I unplugged the toilet (because...I had put it in there temporarily while I was cleaning the floor last time? and you have no autonomy to take it out of the wastebasket?)

so anyway she gets another one, but I'm in meetings, and she is terrible at using it, and instead of her waiting for me to do it (even though we have another working toilet), she tries to unplug it, overflows the toilet, doesn't know how to shut the water off, so I had to interrupt my meeting and run in and show her while she's wailing and moaning.

the folks also didn't have a plunger during Hurricane Maria in 2017 when dad plugged it up and I came over to keep them company.

wtf.

tomorrow is D-day, mom's lung surgery. dad is still here because he's failed a swallow study. I am off of work for the next week, my brother is off the next two days and most evenings. we're all in.

anxious but stoic at the moment. stress gave me a migraine yesterday but today I'm more in take action and conquer mode.

going to be a wreck until I hear mom's out of surgery tomorrow but thankful my bro will be with her (I'll be with dad).

Best of luck, Neanderthal.

thanks!

Good luck to you and your mother.

good luck with everything, Neanderthal!

Keeping you and your folks in mind - hoping for best possible outcomes all around.

Echoing all that indeed.

luv 2 ur momz, and i totally probably don't mean that in a lewd way

good luck

Mama Neanderthal: 1
Tumor: 0

Game
Set
Match.

SUCK IT TUMOR

:)

(everything went well)

Yay!

Great!

excellent news!!

Dad passed his swallow test. He's eating his first meal since Friday.

Next up physical therapy (inpatient)

Mom will be home Thursday

Also dad's butthole is working again

Congrats, man... stressful stuff to deal with

Watch this space. ARGH.

Xpost honestly the surgery being over is a huge weight off. Dad being in the hospital is a more "business as usual" thing heh.

NEANDO CLANDO BACK ON TOP, WOOT WOOT

& good luck suzy, with whatever aging parents chicanery life is winding up to pitch at you

Roxor!

thumbs up to the working butthole (among other things)

that was what we actually brought him in for, and yet not what's keeping him there, lol. as usual.

spent 10 hours with him today, my mom STILL doesnt have an actual room so I couldn't see her (my brother did). we're going to call in a few minutes.

Mom is home but in a lot of pain, as expected, and temporarily on oxygen (for about 2 weeks). dad had a rehab facility lined up and then they claimed they were out of network (even though it appeared to the coordinator that they were), so now we're lining up a second place.

my brother and I have tag-teamed, but he's at work again - however, and you know I don't say this lightly, he really stepped up this week. until dad's in rehab facility, I'm alternating between being around to help mom and being with dad in the hospital (mostly to make sure he eats). will be much easier when the transition is complete. there's more contact with other people in a rehab facility.

she should improve in a week or so. my anxiety will go down significantly when dad gets to rehab facility.

dad's at rehab. of course, the moment I give my brother a compliment, he dips right back into the stuff that frustrates me.

yesterday was exhausting, bro couldn't come by, so I had to take care of mom, visit dad in the hospital and make sure he ate lunch and dinner, and was driving back and forth between the two. dad didn't get transferred to his rehab facility until 9:30 and it's 25 minutes away, and I had to follow and sign some paperwork and give all the info needed. (even called back when I remembered a few extra things).

he shows up today after work as he promises, to get dad's bag of clothes, and it had rained, so he insisted he needed to not only change clothes, but throw his wet clothes in the washer AND wait for them to dry. we weren't sure of visiting hours and couldn't find it online, so mom called (since my bro kept refusing to, saying 'i'll find out when I get there'), and it closes at 5 (it's 3 pm when he arrived). I told him "dude just leave your wet clothes and get them tomorrow, go now", and he just wouldn't (cos he also wanted to spend time w/ mom - ok, fair, but our house doesn't close at 5 pm).

I had to go out and do an errand for mom, picking up groceries, and I got back at 4 and my bro was STILL HERE. so he only got there a half hour before close, and he's literally pinging me question after question and panicking about every random thing ("oh dad's not talking, I think he's mad - he had a stroke, bro, he often does this). "oh the nurse was rude", well then TELL HER THAT, jfc, you're there, not me!

this was supposed to be MY break today, and instead, he's getting me more worked up than if I had gone by myself. I can't even so much as turn a television show on.

it's not the biggest thing in the world but I'm tired of him doing pointless stuff like demanding his clothes be dried before he goes, like WHY do you have to wait for your clothes to dry when you brought a change of clothes and you're going to be here tomorrow?

and half the time his concerns turn out to be overstated, and that's saying a lot coming from me, but it's doing nothing to alleviate my worry about sending him here. but we need him to get the physical therapy and if he comes home now....I frankly have no idea how the fuck I could take care of both him and my mother at the same time.

the surgery my mom had was NOT the one we were told she was getting (she was supposed to have video-assisted thoracic surgery, but she had a thoracotomy), so the recovery is longer and a little more severe than what we were told it would be.

taking care of mom isn't that difficult really, I just have to do things for her and make sure to help get her into bed, but she is capable of most other things. but I'm just very tired and didn't expect I'd have to have another "c'mon bro" convo with my brother this weekend, after all the great stuff he did during the week.

Has anyone here ever had to exercise power of attorney over a parent? The good news is my mother granted me POA when she had her will drawn up several years ago. The bad news is I have no idea how to exercise it, or what to do once the process has begun.

hmm, we're juuuuust going through that w/ dad now. I found this, not sure if this helps: https://www.avvo.com/legal-guides/ugc/managing-someones-affairs-under-a-power-of-attorney

xp soon

You will likely need to assemble documentation that the individual does not have capacity for decision-making (two doctors’ letters usually does the trick) unless the POA does not require an incapacity. Then you need to go to each of the orgs (bank, Social Security, etc) with the documentation, your ID, and request whatever it is you need. It can still be a real pain in the ass. If there is some $ to throw at the problem, a meeting with an elder law atty can be worthwhile. Let me know if you need referrals.

I like the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s “Managing Someone Else’s Money” guides.

https://www.consumerfinance.gov/consumer-tools/managing-someone-elses-money/

Qunicie OTM about having an attorney walk you through the process -- requirements for declaration of incapacity can differ state-to-state and even county-to-county. Unless there are some wrinkles here that I'm not aware of, you shouldn't need an elder law specialist per se; any atty who works with estates/trusts/wills will be fine.

My advice from personal experience: I know this process can be emotional/painful, but it is better to get started too early than too late. When we got into my mom's financial/medical statements, we found that she had given out her credit card number to pretty much anyone who called her on the phone and asked for it; we were on the phone for about a week cancelling recurring charges where she had signed up for one thing or another. We also found her Medicare number in the wild; insurers will cold-call the elderly and go into the 'we can save you money on your supplemental insurance, just give us your Medicare number, tell us that you have no preexisting conditions, and we'll do the rest!' spiel. And then there's the durable medical equipment (braces, etc.) fraudsters. And then the pitches for genetic testing for cancer, etc. We didn't incur any serious losses, but unfortunately there are a good number of predators out there.

definitely do this before a major election ... I have an elderly client (through a friend who has POA), and before he got the POA, the client had donated thousands of dollars to campaign fundraisers who called her on the phone.

I may have some Aging Parent stuff to share but might have to wait until light of day or afterwards.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. The good news is my mother seems to be still sharp enough to avoid scams (she gripes about wanting to get rid of her land line because she gets so many robocalls). The bad news is that a doctor probably would not find her incapable. (She probably COULD improve her living situation herself, but for whatever reason she DOESN'T do so.)

A neighbor contacted my sister because of a pest problem. I hope the neighbor will report this to the county, because this might light a fire under her.

I saw a reference to "geriatric social workers." Does this sound like the sort of person to help negotiate a solution between my mother, my sister, and myself? (I was already considering looking for a two-bedroom place in order to take in my mother, even though my sister has repeatedly said we'd drive each other crazy in no time.)

what type of pests? ... I don't know where your mother lives, but in general, I would not be eager for this to be reported to authorities, because it might lead to problems you really don't want to have.

Geriatric care managers. In MoCo, I like Suzy Murphy at the group formerly known as Deborah Levy Associates.

https://care-manager.com/

Also Amy Silver: http://eldercareopts.com/?page_id=15

I live in a neckbeard nest, and I was able to get my roach problem down to a normal level without having to do too much cleaning. Just bring the exterminators in.

those Harris Roach Pills always severely reduced the problem for me when I inherited an infested apartment (ugh), exterminators took care of the rest.

might not eradicate them, but will prevent massive, overwhelming infestation, the type that gets neighbors grousing.

Roach TABS, not pills, lawdie i'm tired

https://care-manager.com/

Also Amy Silver: http://eldercareopts.com/?page_id=15

― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Wednesday, July 6, 2022 12:04 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

Thanks for the links. Do you know anything about Iona House (https://www.iona.org/services/iona-care-management/)? Another source recommended them to me.

is the problem roaches or something else ...? Several years back the house next to my building was owned/occupied by an elderly woman with dementia and she had a rodent problem, and vector control was called (probably by a neighbor) ... basically, if your mom owns her home, and there is an official complaint to code enforcement, that goes on the property history. If the plan for her care involves selling the house and having her move in with you, your sister, or into an assisted living facility, it will be harder to sell the property and/or you wouldn't be able to get as good a price for it with that code violation/complaint on the record. ... If you are potentially struggling with the cost of her care, then it would be in your best interest to get as good a price as possible for the house, so you could use that money for your mom's care ... which, as many of y'all know already, can be expensive af.

xp I know them well, since I work for them :). Ask for Lisa in community care management, she is excellent.

dad fell in his assisted living facility. bruises on his head. nobody has any fucking clue what happened, "I had just checked on him".

he looked very down the last few days, and he used to get out of his chair/bed etc when he wanted to get up or find a remote or something, but he hadn't done that in over a year as he was not strong enough to stand on his own anymore.

well, we think he did again. and I think it's because his roommate was stressing him out. I just ignored him, but he'd constantly swear at the nurses, and ask me and my brother to use our phones/take him down the street. we just tuned him out, but I guess dad couldn't, and I feel bad that I didn't try to get him moved then. I didn't think there were any rooms and the other guy is wheelchair bound and also can't stand so I viewed him as inert. but the last few days he started moving his wheelchair onto dad's side of the room.

so now I get to go to a new hospital that's 30 mins away and figure out if he's ok and figure out if we can send him back to assisted living afterwards for the remainder of his 'free' Medicare days, and if so, can we get him a new room. I told mom "fuck it, let's just bring him back after the hospital clears him", and she keeps shutting it down, saying she can't take care of him during her recovery and that I can't either, but I have more wellness leave available and certainly could do so if I had to . I think she's afraid my life will suck or something...newsflash, mom, it already does. I fantasize daily about driving into the ocean. or carbon monoxiding myself in a garage. I don't do it simply because too many people need me at this point. there is nothing driving me to wake up in the morning besides that at the moment.

(all of this will pass - home health is moving along and we're at the next phase of getting Medicaid approval. and mom will be fully recovered in 2 months. but right now, this is unbearable).

Xposts -- J.Lu, good sign that your mom is scam-suspicious. We tried to convince my mom to not even pick up the phone if she didn't recognize the caller ID, but she pointed out to us that she was from the generation where if the phone rang, you answered it (which I sort of get, but if history shows you that 90% of callers want your credit card number. . ,) and truth be told I think part of it was she was lonely and didn't mind that there was a voice on the other end. Once it was clear that too many scammers had her land line number, we tried to move her to a flip-phone cell, but keeping it charged was a challenge, and then when 2G service ended, they sent her a touch-screen phone, and that was beyond her. Shortly after we moved her out of the house, I was there for a few hours waiting on a repairman and her land line rang about thirty times. . .

Xpost Neanderthal -- hope home health/Medicaid/recovery moves quickly for you and your folks.

Thanks Jeff.

It's unfortunately a little more serious than we thought. C2 fracture in spine. :(

I just returned to work from a week off and already have to go back out tomorrow.

The stress of being a caregiver is one thing. The thought of dad being depressed enough that he would summon the strength to stand on his own so he could leave the facility just broke my heart. We visited him daily but he looked miserable. Our reasoning for sending him there was because the phys therapist recommended rehab but also respite, and because my mother is out of commission due to her recovery.

Just keep thinking if we had brought him home instead, this wouldn't have happened. The thought that he could be in danger depending on how serious it is, is doing things to my head. Dad and I cried together as he squeezed my hand.

My brother managed to make my mom cry because he started insinuating that maybe if she visited him, he would have had better morale, making her feel guilty. I had to rebuke him for that.

If he hadn't gotten so constipated and had more swallowing difficulty, we never would have brought him to the hospital or assisted living, and I would have taken care of him solo as originally planned.

Right now I'm regulating my emotions to not let them overtake me, because I HAVE to be together, but letting myself experience them when I need to.

I need lots of weed

no stenosis or dissection of artery. thank god.

I need lots of weed

The few times I tried weed I never got anything out of it. But if it works for you, great. I'd been trying to stop drinking, because my sleep has been awful. (Didn't help that I interpreted pandemic self-care as watching a silent movie and drinking whiskey.)