Homemade Jokes

I tried offering tours of the bazaar, but the market was too crowded. And my porcelain factory couldn't compete with China.

lol

Are you all making these up? These are suspiciously actually funny.

ILX0RS can be quite funny, despite what you may read on the EXCELSIOR! threads.

lol, p sure I mine up. I'm actually a pretty prolific dadjoke writer, to my kids' dismay. The day I posted those, I actually came up with dozens of other variations in a kind of coffee-fueled fugue state.

However it's not impossible I absorbed some of them from somewhere else a while back.

*p sure I *made* mine up

Others from the same streak:

My earthquake damage assessment company went into default
I lost my hairline restoration career to the recession
Scuba instruction business went under
Funeral parlor is dead
Tried day trading but I'm almost out of options
I lost my bowling alley after the strike
Barely keeping the lights on at my solar-powered chandelier store
Bungee jumping business fell off a cliff
Lost the cookware store in the pandemic
volcano purchase finance company went bankrupt
tried to get into the extra-tall fence and gate business, but the barriers to entry were too high
grain silo is barley surviving
lost a lot of money in shipwreck exploration, but it's a sunk cost
my tennis pro shop got smashed after I didn't pay into the protection racket. These guys really went over the line. It would have been a net loss either way, so I can't fault myself for having the balls to say no.

You can still shoehorn a 'love' into that last one

My boomerang company also fell off a cliff, because I totally forgot about it. But then it all came back to me.

What is the black bloc anarchist's favorite appetizer of olives and cheeses?

Antifapasto

Yngwie Malmsteen walked into a concert hall for sound check one night. As he practiced his stage banter, pontificating on why he was so much better than everyone else, he saw a man in a bunny costume, slumped over, covered in parasitic worms all over his face, yelling in pain..

Eschewing his trademark solipsism for one moment, he called out for help to free the man from the worms.

Yngwie held the man's hand, moved by his predicament. Nobody came.

About a half hour passed, and it looked like nobody would arrive. Finally, a sound engineer came in, ran over, and safely detached the worms from the man's face

Yngwie looked to the man and exclaimed "Now you've unleeched the fucking Furry!!"

They started an Olympics specifically for child carers— events include baby herding, extreme diaper changing, speed literacy teaching

It’s called the Au Pair Olympics

Stop making NFT's happen, they're not a thing.

My company put on a half-day workshop on imposter syndrome for all employees. After the first ten minutes I realised I didn't suffer from it, so spent the rest of the session feeling like I didn't deserve to be there.

you're not even a real imposter

Not a joke but a Cher song I just sang to my bf:

🎶 If I could turn back time
🎶 If I could find a way
🎶 I’d go back and murder Hitler
🎶 As a baybay

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0xSDrmGQvT6jFtKdohC17EvBa7D1pAkephNyQSaBKERJ9foknJfAu7K2SD4E1nSVjl&id=353080101704754&m_entstream_source=permalink&__tn__=-R

y'all gotta quit giving sic his batsignal

I didn't know what to leave out, sorry

everything after https://

ha!

ftr I don't really care but y'know how it be :)

Fwiw, fb links are tricky because you have to use the whole link, utm tags and all, to see the correct page.

Same thing with photo links too.

All part of their AOLesque "Internet – On the Internet!" style.

So yeah, ledge OTM. :-)

cartoon would be funnier if the second guy had a hitler moustache.

Which Fall album do tennis fans like most?

I Am Kyrgios, Oranj!

When Jay-Z got engaged, what was the headline in the paper?

FEYONCÉ!

I have a homemade Far Side cartoon joke in my head, called something like "Clown Cemetery", which shows a row of burial plots and gravestones, except each plot has a pair of long clown shoes poking out of the earth (because the clowns are buried in their clown shoes, but not deep enough underground, haha?)

(I assume some variation of this exists as a gag somewhere)

My wife and I started a shofar transportation business, but she kept getting the horn for the rabbi

you should post the clown cartoon to Drawing Practice: Give me a total of 100 ideas to draw to see if I get any better by the 100th drawing.

there's a Grimaldi park in Islington named because he's buried there (not sure about any other clowns)

'Twin casket-shaped installations made up of bronze floor tiles are designed to be walked on and react to the pressure of footfall by playing musical notes. The tiles are tuned so that it's possible to play "Hot Codlins", a song popularised by Grimaldi.'

i think the idea was that you dance on his (not-actual) grave and it plays a tune

something can be done with cemetery + "grave danger"

August 26, 1958 - April 5, 1924

"Oooh, someone has made a grave mistake!"

^^^hell yeah

I guess I never posted this but maybe it’s time to rack up the fps:

In traditional Judaism, there is a a well-known taboo against tattoos.

The actor Patrick Warburton is not Jewish.

Still there was something questionable about his decision to get several lines of Jewish scripture inked in Hebrew on his back: at best a lapse in judgement, at worst a deliberately sacrilegious provocation.

When rumours started to spread online of his dubious stamp, the kronk’s new groove star attempted to get ahead of the story and stave off cancellation by tweeting categorically that no such tattoo existed and the whole thing was an obvious fabrication, posting photos of a plausible blank back as proof.

Unfortunately for him, internet sleuths managed to track down the tattooist alleged to have done the job, and though he tried to hold out and deny it for his client’s sake, under immense pressure he finally broke down and sang like a canary:

”I did! I did! I did Torah Puddy tat!”

They say anecdotal evidence doesn't prove anything

But it worked pretty well for me today

Huh, I think I dreamed a (bad) joke/pun last night, a sausage marketed toward skiers called "slalomi." Just saying it is actually pretty funny, imo.

Don't dream it - be it. Skiers need snacks dude. Some pre-sliced meat in a package that can be easily opened and closed with gloves on?

Did you hear about the CEO of Patagonia?

He made a fortune fleecing yuppies.

Hear about him? I invested!

Genius

We were in the middle of a discussion about whether the plays of Shakespeare were *really* written by Shakespeare, when I pointed out I had no tools to prune my roses.

It was a non-secateur!

Indeed, and a rose by any other name would smell as sheath

So I found myself sitting on the edge of my roof, inside a golf ball. Gutter percher!

How do pigeons change their government?

They have a coo!

Hray!

I was served a kebab in the Sultan of Egypt's palace. It looked like it contained only meat.

Summoning the chef, I asked "Is Saladin here?"

Q: Do you like Sea Change?
A: (thinking it's the album by Beck) Yes!
Q: (opens wide to reveal a mouthful of coins) See? Change!

Sounds like someone's on a sea change diet.

sea change in the conference room

A kid is trying to teach a classmate how to alter the grade on his report card.

"Change the C you wish to B"