mayo: the devil's condiment

one most certainly could not, without the earth falling off its axis!

Mayochup is where it's at.

Best Non-Fiction Writing 2022

One could, but why would one?

so i'm making a sandwich, right? quick & practical, who doesn't love a sandwich.

i don't mind a little mayo on my 'wich, but last time i only used a dab & consequently my sangwidge was unacceptably dry, so this time i'm laying down the mayonnaise with a free hand. as i do so, i amuse myself by envisioning wafer-thins wisps of bread laden with snowy drifts of mayo, inches thick -- wouldn't that be a laugh, i chortle, unaware of the horror to come.

with my bread generously slathered, i retrieve cheese from the fridge & center a single perfect slice on my foundational lubed-up bread, just so. next up, the meat. but what's this? my vegan luncheon meat alternative has vanished! someone* must have polished it off without telling me.

well, all is not lost. i reach into the veggie drawer for that lovely tomato i saw just the other day and, oh. it's squishy. hm.

with a familiar sense of creeping resignation, i poke around for the head of romaine lettuce which has, naturally, been whittled down to a nub and returned to its receptacle on the bottom shelf.

i stand & close the refrigerator door. on the counter, triumphant, is my cheese & mayonnaise sandwich.

* you know who you are

maybe i should just assemble all my ingredients *before* i start cooking

Eugh!!

I have rarely been so nauseous as the day I found out there was a product called Hair Mayonnaise.

thanks for sharing!

it’s positively childish to be anything less than enthusiastic about mayo

xp
That's right up there with Body Butter.

we'll look i'm not going to get into it but putting mayonnaise in your hair is perfectly legit, and if for some reason you object to your hair smelling strongly of mayonnaise then you can add essential oils to taste

body butter is the real enemy

it’s positively childish to be anything less than enthusiastic about mayo

― brimstead, Wednesday, April 19, 2023 1:32 PM (twenty-five minutes ago)

this is not the first time i have seen this accusation leveled at mayo-haters, of which i am one.
i have truly never felt so harshly judged for such an inconsequential and personal choice. absurd. less absurd in this thread than the other one (because it's about like/dislike the devil's condiment)but absurd nevertheless.

I was being sarcastic!! Read my posts itt!!

I got inappropriately mad in the uncool food opinions thread when flopson said not liking ketchup was childish lol

oh right! i apologize -- i think i thought you were the same person (my bad!!)

i was also insppropriately angry about that hence my pissy post above.

i still think mayo is gross and will never voluntarily eat it. when i was a kid. my mom refused to eat anything with peanuts or rootbeer. she had no rational reason other than these two foodstuffs nauseated her. i can't imagine anyone calling her childish for having culinary aversion to comon foodstuffs. why shit on mayo haters?!

oops *common

i stand & close the refrigerator door. on the counter, triumphant, is my cheese & mayonnaise sandwich.

fwiw a cheese-and-mayo sandwich has been my dad's go-to lunch for decades, probably ever since he became vegetarian in the early '70s. I consequently grew up eating and appreciating them as well, though having good cheese is pretty crucial. These days I jazz it up with lettuce, onions and pickles, but as a base, cheese and mayo is delicious.

(literally just had a cheese sammy for lunch today — aged English cheddar lightly melted on a good baguette, with a dollop of Kewpie mayo, lettuce, onion and bread-and-butter pickle. 10/10, would eat again)

Sounds amazing.

In my experience, picky people tend to deny it and claim that they like everything except one or two things but the more time you spend with them the more you find little exceptions that end up meaning that they have a hard time ordering in restaurants unless they’ve ordered the dish before or else they have to quiz the waiter at length before ordering (usually including special instructions).

So, I'll say that I think eggs and milk are among the weirdest things human beings eat. Think about it: Another animal's breastmilk and unfertilized (sometimes!) eggs. And the things we have to do to get a steady supply of these things is both unnatural and sometimes horrific. And, mayo is unfertilized egg of a chicken whipped furiously with oil.

Yet, I love milk and eggs. And I love mayo. But I acknowledge that it is objectively, well... it should at least be considered a delicacy. A member of my immediate family who lives in the midwest, eats a lot of casseroles made with canned vegetables, and pretty much every meal is built around ground beef, thinks raw fish is some kind of exotic delicacy which she'd never have the courage to try, yet dumps 1/8 a jar of mayonnaise on her medium rare hamburgers without any acknowledgement of just how weird and gross mayo is on its surface. Not to mention a big side of deviled eggs with pretty much any special meal!

I guess I see it both ways. I hate food shaming on both ends. The picky and those extremely intolerant of others' possibly too sensitive disgust reflex. Food is too fun to be so negative about.

eggs are probably the favorite food of most creatures big enough to swallow them. they are ultra-nutritious and best of all they can't fight back! even snakes love eggs

the whole astrology thing with “picky eaters” is really absurd

hey guess what i just put mayonnaise in

a freakin', tofu marinade. and now i have these tofu slabs all just soaking up mayo for literally no reason. mayo tofu, yeah that's right.

(i mean it's not only mayonnaise. what do you think i am, some kind of lunatic? it's all like soy sauce and ginger and garlic whatever, pepper and i think paprika maybe, why not. and then a fat luscious glob of the devil's dick cheese)

i have no excuse. there wasn't any recipe that told me to do it, and i didn't use it as a substitute for anything else. i had this perfectly normal marinade all mixed up and i was scanning the fridge for, i don't know, inspiration or something. and then before i knew what was happening i was somehow whisking mayonnaise into it? is this how alien abductees feel?

it's fine, though. everything is fine. nothing matters. laws aren't real. mayo tofu.

How did it turn out?

i went a little heavy on the pepper, it turns out, but it was less of an abomination than i expected. 6/10, not especially mayo-y.

tofu zarandeado

having just googled zarandeado, daaaaamn

the mayo based zarandeado marinades could work well for tofu. Chef friend that taught me used mayo and chile morita. Highly recommend it!

egg, oil, vinegar - horrifying

Mayo is godly when used sparingly. It's the only industrial condiment we use, and it goes in exactly four meals: 1. Belgian fries that are already cooked in beef fat but hey decadence, 2. Homemade burgers because fuck ketchup, 3. Avo toast + cucumber + hard-boiled egg 4. wraps with beans stew + avo + salad + coriander. My beloved adds an unlikely 5. Bolognaise and I don't judge (silently I do). I wish I had the mayo from Woolies, it was the best.

mayo + fries an all-time luxe indulgence, mmmm

i still remember the first time i tried them together: 13 yrs old, family trip in mendocino, some crispy chicken shack. don't recall how the fries came to be doused with mayonnaise, maybe it was a dare or something, but that first taste was like hold on, this isn't disgusting? my mouth is loving this, wtf? good times, man, good times!

my lad has finally come over to the veggie side, so (ironically) i'm about to go ham on some tofu recipes and am most grateful to you, Sufjan Grafton, for this zarandeado revelation. maybe try it on some hearts of palm, all flaky and whatnot.

might as well throw some mayo into my next batch of lentil bolognaise, too. will report back if i die 🫡

guess who used watery mayonnaise instead of an egg wash on some pasties IT WAS ME AHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN NEVER BE STOPPED

worked well btw -- pasties cooked up crisp & shiny & golden brown, the edges stayed sealed, no noticeable mayo flavor

yesterday i bought a big tub of hellman's. today i baked some potato slices (had parboiled yesterday) with olive oil, garlic, s&p

served with mayo and heinz

by big tub i just mean the normal size

I've lived in my apartment for ten years and I guarantee there's been no mayo in here since I've been present, unless a guest had some in a pocket or purse

you're saying you're a Miracle Whip guy?

Our local diner serves their fries with a side of chipotle mayo for dipping. It is truly the perfect complement. However, one struggles to find a good store-bought alternative for home consumption. I tried the Hellman's Organic Chipotle Mayo, but it seems too mayonaissey. Something is missing that I can't put my finger on. Hellman's also sells a Spicy Ancho Chipotle Sauce, but its only available in gallon jugs. Maybe that's for the restaurant market. I wish they would offer a consumer size version.

the answer is because it's store bought. just make your own!

I would if I knew what to put in it to make it taste like the restaurant version! I notice the gallon sauce has tomato paste in it in addition to the mayo and chipotle. Maybe I should try adding a bit of that. Just mayo + chipotle doesn't do it.

think this might be the weekend I finally make fresh mayonnaise

Basic mayo is great for mixing in hot sauces, garlic/spices, etc

Making aioli is tricky. I made it once with an olive oil that was so strong-tasting that it ruined the mix. It was pain to make and was such a disappointment. Other friends have made better versions of it, but I have always felt indifferent to their versions too.

I like store-bought mayonnaise better - Hellmans, Kewpie, Duke's, even Kraft

We call Hellman's 'Best Foods' out west

A good Cannonball Run remake might see some lovable rogues trying to smuggle Best Foods east of the Mississippi

yes. Buy canned chipotles in adobo and blend with store mayo.

I disagree. Canned chipotles in adobo are so out there that I have no idea how to use them. They are big thick slabs of dried jalapenos in a very intense sauce. They are definitely not meant as a sauce for dipping fries

never, ever make aïoli with olive oil. always a neutral oil like canola otherwise it will be gross

when it comes to canned chipotles in adobo, just some of the liquid they're packed in will suffice to fold in with store mayo, and that way you wouldn't need a blender