Severe Anxiety

My wife has similar responsibilities, where she is making time-sensitive statements about public issues, and something that she finds a relief is to have someone who double-checks her work. She needs this external point-of-view so she can stop questioning herself.
Hopefully you can find someone whose opinion you can trust, and who can speak with some authority about the issues and people you're writing about.

thanks htbfy - I definitely value a robust consultative/editorial process and seek that whenever I can (it is not always available to me unfortunately) - i do think that partially reduces my anxiety simply by giving me an "out" - ie "I do not have sole responsibility for these decisions" - which might be a bit of a weaselly response? have found anxiety is very good at perpetuating itself in sneaky ways. ideally I would like to feel like a grown-up who can stand behind their decisions, or feel comfortable with the possibility of criticism.

but yeah I think my most recent meltdown was definitely caused by lack of opportunity to consult with colleagues, so that's a really good reminder of how important that is, thanks

i also think it is definitely exacerbated by the nature of the work, and particularly by changing discussions around representation

i feel that a lot recently. also coming to terms with being middle-aged! yesterday I was in a meeting for a project where my work is mostly volunteer, and most of the others involved were younger (mostly people in their late 20s) and non-white, and I was providing my expertise on a topic and saying what I thought priorities should be, and what would/wouldn't work ... and today, after talking to a colleague who was at that meeting, I decided, I am going to step back and let the younger POC lead and manage the process ... even if things don't work out. Maybe they spend way too long (in my mind) discussing visioning and "how we work together" and getting on the same page about how a wheel functions and the best way to design the wheel ... and maybe they make some bad judgment calls that I wouldn't have made, but ... I still can remember being in my late 20s in meetings with ... people who were probably the same age I am now ... about similar things, and I knew more than the middle-aged people gave me credit for/assumed I did, and I felt like the purpose was for me (and my peers) to lead the work and if we made mistakes or didn't do things "the best way" ... then that's just the way it goes. This was the arts/community-building and not life or death type stuff.

yeah have definitely found it’s a good strategy to get outta the way of younger people generally - either by inviting them to take the lead, or building mutually beneficial relationships - but there are increasingly frequent moments when i feel like surrendering to irrelevancy and going off to grow potatoes!

but there are increasingly frequent moments when i feel like surrendering to irrelevancy and going off to grow potatoes!

don't you mean "write a book" ? ... i still feel like there are worthwhile things that white middle-aged people with our professional backgrounds can do that aren't growing potatoes or the cringeworthy efforts of various boomers

* worthwhile things within our areas of experience or related to them?

also - i think just1n3 gave really good ideas re the in-the-moment anxiety stuff!

thanks for being so generous with your thoughts and time SH - yeah definitely gonna try those tips - sour candy probably more practical than ice in an office environment! also i guess trying to do some more work with my breathing. interrupting the spiral feels pretty crucial, cos once the mind is flooded with those thoughts/chemicals it feels almost impossible to de-escalate, especially if there are stress factors flying around everywhere.

it feels almost impossible to de-escalate, especially if there are stress factors flying around everywhere.

that's a really good articulation of the feeling!

I got these Toxic Waste Hazardously Sour candies for my husband and they def work… but they might fuck up your mouth for a day or two