so there i was, fixing to scramble an egg, when i discovered i had no milk. nor cream, nor sour cream, nor creme fraiche, nor nothing. “but that’s terrible, cat! whatever did you do?” well i’m posting in this thread so you already know what i did: spat into the eye of G*d and scrambled an egg with mayonnaise. then cooked it. then ate it. it was fine but i can no longer be buried in consecrated ground.
― hundreds of millions of (cat), Thursday, 7 October 2021 05:11 (two years ago) link
It starts from desperation, but it'll end with you slathering mayo on pastrami sandwiches and licking the knife afterwards.
― nickn, Thursday, 7 October 2021 06:48 (two years ago) link
it will end with me shambling out into the street excreting mayo from every pore, slimetrail of mayo in my wake, feebly grasping at passers-by with my greasy mayo fingers while i weep fat mayonnaise tears
― hundreds of millions of (cat), Thursday, 7 October 2021 06:57 (two years ago) link
The road to hell is paved with BLTs.
― earlnash, Thursday, 7 October 2021 07:27 (two years ago) link
this is a safe space
well, at least it used to be
― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 7 October 2021 09:58 (two years ago) link
Whenever I'm eating it, I'm convinced leftover roast chicken and mayo is the best flavour combo there is.
― chap, Thursday, 7 October 2021 16:33 (two years ago) link
Yes! I discovered it eating some leftover Thanksgiving turkey on bread, and graduated to using it (a chili spiced version) on fish sandwiches. The key is to use it sparingly.
― nickn, Thursday, 7 October 2021 16:57 (two years ago) link
yeah I love leftover bird and mayo on a sandwich.
― 《Myst1kOblivi0n》 (jim in vancouver), Thursday, 7 October 2021 16:58 (two years ago) link
The key is to use it sparingly.
Lol I slather it on.
― chap, Friday, 8 October 2021 08:40 (two years ago) link
sandwich shop in Southampton used to do rolls with coronation chicken (mayo + curry powder) which was actually spicy and had halved grapes, absolute heaven.
― edited to reflect developments which occurred (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Friday, 8 October 2021 08:56 (two years ago) link
was convinced this revive was as a result of this god-tier tweet
To those asking why… They want us to put mayonnaise in our coffee. I won’t tolerate it. https://t.co/JbZUcHLjBc— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) October 7, 2021
― Critique of the Goth Programme (Neil S), Friday, 8 October 2021 09:10 (two years ago) link
long past time to ask dionne the viking question
― mark s, Friday, 8 October 2021 13:55 (two years ago) link
while i am grateful to have experienced that ground-breaking tweet, i am curious as to why dionne warwick was following a mayonnaise’s twitter in the first place
― hundreds of millions of (cat), Saturday, 9 October 2021 20:45 (two years ago) link
a quiet thursday evening, winds from the northwest at 5-10 mph, fire danger moderate. i am asked to conjure up my famous fridgehoarder pie (the debased step-nephew of shepherd’s/cottage/tamale pies, exclusive to those whose refrigerators groan with produce on the edge). i will oblige.
the amalgamated base laid in the baking tray, i turn to preparation of the mashed potato lid. a chance to finish off a half-empty bag of potato flakes; how prudent, how frugal, how virtuous.
the measure of potato flakes is sufficient.
boiling water i have in abundance, gods be praised.
the dregs of a carton of flaxmilk supply one third of the milk called for, cow juice the rest.
for the unctuous component, the last of a stick of butter and the scrapings from a jar of ghee yield … half … of what is needed.
what do i do. what do i do?! the olive oil is gone. we haven’t opened the new jar of coconut oil yet, and i can’t despoil a fresh grocery item for fridgehoarder pie, it goes against the entire ethos. i scan the pantry, i scan the fridge, i rifle through drawers, i come back to the fridge again and i see it. the old upside-down squeezie bottle of mayonnaise. down to just a few spoonfuls now, but enough for what i must do. forgive me.
― Toxoplasmosis Jones (cat), Friday, 8 April 2022 13:11 (two years ago) link
May God have mercy on your soul.
― nickn, Friday, 8 April 2022 16:03 (two years ago) link
my fridge clearing go-to is thai vegetable curry, and I am sure one could replace the the can of coconut cream with watered down mayo.
― Michael Flatley's (Sufjan Grafton), Friday, 8 April 2022 16:44 (two years ago) link
one most certainly could not, without the earth falling off its axis!
― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Friday, 8 April 2022 20:47 (two years ago) link
Mayochup is where it's at.
― immodesty blaise (jimbeaux), Friday, 8 April 2022 20:55 (two years ago) link
Best Non-Fiction Writing 2022
― change display name (Jordan), Friday, 8 April 2022 20:58 (two years ago) link
One could, but why would one?
― nickn, Friday, 8 April 2022 21:26 (two years ago) link
so i'm making a sandwich, right? quick & practical, who doesn't love a sandwich.
i don't mind a little mayo on my 'wich, but last time i only used a dab & consequently my sangwidge was unacceptably dry, so this time i'm laying down the mayonnaise with a free hand. as i do so, i amuse myself by envisioning wafer-thins wisps of bread laden with snowy drifts of mayo, inches thick -- wouldn't that be a laugh, i chortle, unaware of the horror to come.
with my bread generously slathered, i retrieve cheese from the fridge & center a single perfect slice on my foundational lubed-up bread, just so. next up, the meat. but what's this? my vegan luncheon meat alternative has vanished! someone* must have polished it off without telling me.
well, all is not lost. i reach into the veggie drawer for that lovely tomato i saw just the other day and, oh. it's squishy. hm.
with a familiar sense of creeping resignation, i poke around for the head of romaine lettuce which has, naturally, been whittled down to a nub and returned to its receptacle on the bottom shelf.
i stand & close the refrigerator door. on the counter, triumphant, is my cheese & mayonnaise sandwich.
* you know who you are
― forever & over (cat), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 16:01 (one year ago) link
maybe i should just assemble all my ingredients *before* i start cooking
― forever & over (cat), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 16:05 (one year ago) link
Eugh!!
I have rarely been so nauseous as the day I found out there was a product called Hair Mayonnaise.
― Hideous Lump, Wednesday, 19 April 2023 18:15 (one year ago) link
thanks for sharing!
― more difficult than I look (Aimless), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 18:21 (one year ago) link
it’s positively childish to be anything less than enthusiastic about mayo
― brimstead, Wednesday, 19 April 2023 18:32 (one year ago) link
xpThat's right up there with Body Butter.
― nickn, Wednesday, 19 April 2023 18:33 (one year ago) link
we'll look i'm not going to get into it but putting mayonnaise in your hair is perfectly legit, and if for some reason you object to your hair smelling strongly of mayonnaise then you can add essential oils to taste
― forever & over (cat), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 18:53 (one year ago) link
body butter is the real enemy
― brimstead, Wednesday, April 19, 2023 1:32 PM (twenty-five minutes ago)
this is not the first time i have seen this accusation leveled at mayo-haters, of which i am one. i have truly never felt so harshly judged for such an inconsequential and personal choice. absurd. less absurd in this thread than the other one (because it's about like/dislike the devil's condiment)but absurd nevertheless.
― Piggy Lepton (La Lechera), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 19:02 (one year ago) link
I was being sarcastic!! Read my posts itt!!
― brimstead, Wednesday, 19 April 2023 19:48 (one year ago) link
I got inappropriately mad in the uncool food opinions thread when flopson said not liking ketchup was childish lol
oh right! i apologize -- i think i thought you were the same person (my bad!!)
i was also insppropriately angry about that hence my pissy post above.
i still think mayo is gross and will never voluntarily eat it. when i was a kid. my mom refused to eat anything with peanuts or rootbeer. she had no rational reason other than these two foodstuffs nauseated her. i can't imagine anyone calling her childish for having culinary aversion to comon foodstuffs. why shit on mayo haters?!
― Piggy Lepton (La Lechera), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 19:56 (one year ago) link
oops *common
fwiw a cheese-and-mayo sandwich has been my dad's go-to lunch for decades, probably ever since he became vegetarian in the early '70s. I consequently grew up eating and appreciating them as well, though having good cheese is pretty crucial. These days I jazz it up with lettuce, onions and pickles, but as a base, cheese and mayo is delicious.
― a man often referred to in the news media as the Duke of Saxony (tipsy mothra), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 20:11 (one year ago) link
(literally just had a cheese sammy for lunch today — aged English cheddar lightly melted on a good baguette, with a dollop of Kewpie mayo, lettuce, onion and bread-and-butter pickle. 10/10, would eat again)
― a man often referred to in the news media as the Duke of Saxony (tipsy mothra), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 20:14 (one year ago) link
Sounds amazing.
― This machine bores fascism (PBKR), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 20:42 (one year ago) link
In my experience, picky people tend to deny it and claim that they like everything except one or two things but the more time you spend with them the more you find little exceptions that end up meaning that they have a hard time ordering in restaurants unless they’ve ordered the dish before or else they have to quiz the waiter at length before ordering (usually including special instructions).
― o. nate, Wednesday, 19 April 2023 20:53 (one year ago) link
So, I'll say that I think eggs and milk are among the weirdest things human beings eat. Think about it: Another animal's breastmilk and unfertilized (sometimes!) eggs. And the things we have to do to get a steady supply of these things is both unnatural and sometimes horrific. And, mayo is unfertilized egg of a chicken whipped furiously with oil.
Yet, I love milk and eggs. And I love mayo. But I acknowledge that it is objectively, well... it should at least be considered a delicacy. A member of my immediate family who lives in the midwest, eats a lot of casseroles made with canned vegetables, and pretty much every meal is built around ground beef, thinks raw fish is some kind of exotic delicacy which she'd never have the courage to try, yet dumps 1/8 a jar of mayonnaise on her medium rare hamburgers without any acknowledgement of just how weird and gross mayo is on its surface. Not to mention a big side of deviled eggs with pretty much any special meal!
I guess I see it both ways. I hate food shaming on both ends. The picky and those extremely intolerant of others' possibly too sensitive disgust reflex. Food is too fun to be so negative about.
― beard papa, Wednesday, 19 April 2023 23:16 (one year ago) link
eggs are probably the favorite food of most creatures big enough to swallow them. they are ultra-nutritious and best of all they can't fight back! even snakes love eggs
― more difficult than I look (Aimless), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 23:19 (one year ago) link
the whole astrology thing with “picky eaters” is really absurd
― brimstead, Wednesday, 19 April 2023 23:33 (one year ago) link
hey guess what i just put mayonnaise in
a freakin', tofu marinade. and now i have these tofu slabs all just soaking up mayo for literally no reason. mayo tofu, yeah that's right.
(i mean it's not only mayonnaise. what do you think i am, some kind of lunatic? it's all like soy sauce and ginger and garlic whatever, pepper and i think paprika maybe, why not. and then a fat luscious glob of the devil's dick cheese)
i have no excuse. there wasn't any recipe that told me to do it, and i didn't use it as a substitute for anything else. i had this perfectly normal marinade all mixed up and i was scanning the fridge for, i don't know, inspiration or something. and then before i knew what was happening i was somehow whisking mayonnaise into it? is this how alien abductees feel?
it's fine, though. everything is fine. nothing matters. laws aren't real. mayo tofu.
― Doom, Jr. (cat), Monday, 24 July 2023 11:35 (ten months ago) link
How did it turn out?
― o. nate, Monday, 24 July 2023 23:06 (ten months ago) link
i went a little heavy on the pepper, it turns out, but it was less of an abomination than i expected. 6/10, not especially mayo-y.
― Doom, Jr. (cat), Tuesday, 25 July 2023 00:58 (ten months ago) link
tofu zarandeado
― New No-No Bettencourt (Sufjan Grafton), Tuesday, 25 July 2023 01:26 (ten months ago) link
having just googled zarandeado, daaaaamn
― Doom, Jr. (cat), Tuesday, 25 July 2023 01:35 (ten months ago) link
the mayo based zarandeado marinades could work well for tofu. Chef friend that taught me used mayo and chile morita. Highly recommend it!
― New No-No Bettencourt (Sufjan Grafton), Tuesday, 25 July 2023 05:01 (ten months ago) link
egg, oil, vinegar - horrifying
― Western® with Bacon Flavor, Tuesday, 25 July 2023 06:06 (ten months ago) link
Mayo is godly when used sparingly. It's the only industrial condiment we use, and it goes in exactly four meals: 1. Belgian fries that are already cooked in beef fat but hey decadence, 2. Homemade burgers because fuck ketchup, 3. Avo toast + cucumber + hard-boiled egg 4. wraps with beans stew + avo + salad + coriander. My beloved adds an unlikely 5. Bolognaise and I don't judge (silently I do). I wish I had the mayo from Woolies, it was the best.
― Nabozo, Tuesday, 25 July 2023 07:04 (ten months ago) link
mayo + fries an all-time luxe indulgence, mmmm
i still remember the first time i tried them together: 13 yrs old, family trip in mendocino, some crispy chicken shack. don't recall how the fries came to be doused with mayonnaise, maybe it was a dare or something, but that first taste was like hold on, this isn't disgusting? my mouth is loving this, wtf? good times, man, good times!
my lad has finally come over to the veggie side, so (ironically) i'm about to go ham on some tofu recipes and am most grateful to you, Sufjan Grafton, for this zarandeado revelation. maybe try it on some hearts of palm, all flaky and whatnot.
might as well throw some mayo into my next batch of lentil bolognaise, too. will report back if i die 🫡
― Doom, Jr. (cat), Tuesday, 25 July 2023 08:37 (ten months ago) link
guess who used watery mayonnaise instead of an egg wash on some pasties IT WAS ME AHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN NEVER BE STOPPED
― the wind beneath my wang (cat), Friday, 15 September 2023 22:08 (eight months ago) link