Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

anyway i’ll stop this now but it’s giving me a great deal of pleasure. (that’s me not voodoo chiles)

Music is a shortcut to joy. And it hurts

I think it's useful to categorize the columns.

The Adventures of Adrian Chiles, aged 53¾
I put my own makeup on for the first time - and saw my face in a whole new light.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life: grow a lemon tree.
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking. Here's how to do it.
I panic-bought a dartboard – turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine.
You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know.
Seven weeks in, what have I learned from my new life as a dog person?
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly – until the warning light flashed.
I have made a thing of great beauty. And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains. How do snails get up to the fourth floor?
My lockdown baking obsession got out of control – luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion?
Ranch dressing improves everything. So I tried to improve ranch dressing
What will I do when travel restrictions lift? Complete my odyssey to all 270 London tube stations.

Watercooler Chiles
Have you seen Tatler's new rules of poshness? I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There are two new Covid-fighting drugs I haven't heard much about - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Video games are good for your mental health? Not if you play like me.

That's nice, Adrian
With the kids locked down and not on the town, I've never slept so soundly.
My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Searching for solace in lockdown? I found it in a chore I used to hate.
What speed reading has taught me about taking my time.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness? A bargain bag of beauty.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix: what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
I used to hate it when businesses got too chummy. Then I met Alan the delivery driver.
I'm glad to be back in church – even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
I’ve always been hot on hand hygiene – I even dried them in the oven.
I know I’ve been lucky, but lockdown has made my life much simpler.

I think this has may have been said before, Adrian
Computers I can live with, but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Shopping is a whole new world now I have to wear a mask.
If dishwasher-loading was a sport, my dad would be world champion.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - is technology making me stupider?

Introspective Adrian
Never mind machines getting cleverer - is technology making me stupider?
My obsession with West Brom has gone too far
It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me.
I am the world's nicest driver - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on, I'm dreading it...
Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
First it was sourdough, now it's a puppy - I am a lockdown cliché.

Angry Adrian
I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

In honour of the winner, I read the full the column.

“I have now embarked on a structured new regime. I resolved to try to hit every number from one to 20 in fewer than 60 darts. I am proud to tell you that in less than two weeks I have managed to do it using a mere 54 darts.”

An Olympic champion at dishwasher loading, but only silver in the Pooterish column race

World champion, rather

I have a lung condition that means actual belly laughs make me have coughing fits.

Chileswriter near killed me.

omg i am exceedingly sorry!

Feel like they bured the lede here: 'I have been idly wondering what the difference is between shallots and onions for a good 30 years' would have been a great headline.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/17/hamlet-small-village-grandad-generation-google-lockdown

I think Chiles is doing it on purpose now:

Isn't it irenic? It's time to bring back beautiful words we have lost

The lexicographer and etymologist Susie Dent tells me it comes from Eirene, the Greek goddess of peace, who also gives us the name Irene. What a pity, then, that you don’t hear of many Irenes these days. I’m sure my nan knew an Irene, but that’s about it in my life. I searched a list of 50 famous Irenes and hadn’t heard of any of them. However, I’m so glad I looked, because I came across the quite fabulously named actor and director Irene Miracle.

definitely doing it on purpose, yes

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/apr/22/gadgets-should-make-life-easier-so-why-cant-i-turn-on-this-no-touch-tap

It must cause resentment that he's paid for this blather?

I saw that headline and immediately thought of here.

It takes almost as much effort to update chileswriter (tm) as he puts into the columns.

to us mere mortals, frustration at getting a tap to work would be a momentary annoyance, forgotten within five minutes, maximum. to The Chad Chiles, it's worth £5000. makes you think.

The surprising truth about Brexit Britain – the wild garlic smelled lovely, but I didn’t want to die there

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/apr/28/looking-for-a-plastic-free-way-to-discard-dog-poo-i-have-the-answer

fantastic thread. glad to be made aware of this human milquetoast. like jean teasdale of the onion transformed into a middle aged english man.

I want to be this guy’s friend

Adrian Chiles is a Guardian columnist

I always hated Adrian Chiles based solely on his stint as Match of the Day 2 host, but i have to say as this thread has continued i have more and more time for him. The dealbreaker was the immaculate first two paragraphs of the how to deal with dog shite column followed by the start of the third:
"Then I heard from a despairing farmer on my radio show. "

like jean teasdale of the onion transformed into a middle aged english man.

lock ilx

I resolved to heed this call, but, on my next country walk, when the moment came, I could find no means of picking it up. There wasn’t a large leaf in sight.

Adrian mate, flick it with a stick.

I really think it's only a matter of time until Adrian Chiles writes a 'whatever happened to white dog-shite?' column in the Guardian.

tbf if he was writing for the telegraph hed suggest quotas prioritised brown dogshite

"Why we need an inspiring team talk to get us through the pandemic" - Adrian Chiles

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/13/why-we-need-an-inspiring-team-talk-to-get-us-through-the-pandemic

He's started channelling his inner David Brent.

I really think it's only a matter of time until Adrian Chiles writes a 'whatever happened to white dog-shite?' column in the Guardian.

Saw some the other day and thought of Adrian Chiles.

xp
someone should finish off the heading for him, it's just slapdash bottom-tier Chiles!

every time you think he can't top his last column, and every time

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/26/an-ear-and-nostril-waxing-is-exquisitely-painful-but-just-what-i-needed

haha omg that picture

Hmm, they don't put those "you should pay us money so we can keep doing our valuable journalism" banners under his articles huh

that's a wonderful column, perfect little dose of memoir, this man is my hero

Lol just came here to post this

Of course:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/jun/17/my-number-one-fear-in-life-being-boring

Amazing, beautiful.

next time he has a studio audience I hope they can organise themselves to all start yawning at him

breathtaking

It’s one of many reasons I can’t throw parties: one yawn from anyone and I want to throw everyone out.

go on

Thought this revive would be about Edwin Poots

For fans of Adrian Chiles, be sure not to miss his Antipodean counterpart: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/jun/18/my-microwave-door-got-stuck-with-food-inside-and-then-it-started-to-develop-a-malevolent-vibe

https://i.imgur.com/XFkgiYv.jpg

poll options not as enticingly phrased, but 3 Dec is a strong winner

i'm enjoying the laundry horror show tbqf

huge gratitude to this thread for introducing me to 'pooterish,' a perfect word

Chiles def. needs a Lupin Pooter figure to spark off; maybe the student son of his partner. Invent him if he doesn't exist: a columnist's goldmine.

this has definitely been a rookie of the year thread candidate

it's been a real joy to get to know Adrian

I hope one day he finds this thread and sees the joy he has brought.

I'm expecting ledge to end up being interviewed by Adrian Chiles about this.

― Wrote For Lunch (Tom D.), Friday, 5 March 2021 12:14 (three months ago) bookmarkflaglink

I'm still assiduously updating the chileswriter but I've refrained from going public with it.