Pitch your dark, gritty reboot

Valerie, only when the titular lead actress dies instead of introducing a new character and renaming the show The Hogan Family, the family begins to lure new women into the house and murder them for parts so the can create a new vessel that their matriarch's spirit can resurrect into

― Hello Nice FBI Lady (DJP)

^ winner

The Secret World Of Alex Mack, only instead of getting magical powers from the radioactive waste she gets very, very sick

Barney Miller, except the cops are popping pills or have other vices; the n-word and other racial epithets are freely used; and the press is hounding them about a detainee who claims to have been "Louima'd."

macgyver, serial killer

cereal killer. he creates weapons out of corn flakes

Gossip Girl except it's centered around an NXIVM-type cult rather than a school

Mr. Belvedere where he Munchausen-by-proxy-s a different family every season.

The Muppet Show where the cameras are all placed a few feet lower to show the human arms that have been jammed into the upper halves of savagely-bisected and freely-bleeding Muppet corpses.

Dexter's Laboratory, except Dexter is working with anthrax and WMDs.

Fraggle Rock except the rock is a crack rock which they smoke

seinfeld but the entire series takes place after they go to prison

― (The Other) J.D. (J.D.), Thursday, February 4, 2021 7:41 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

Use the entire cast of Oz

― Joe Biden Stan Account (milo z), Thursday, February 4, 2021 7:42 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

Y'all never saw this? https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18kvo

Facts of Life except free bleeders

Gimme a Break! but now they're all compound fracture fetishists

Small Wonder, but Vicky vivisects everybody in her family and nobody ever discovers the bodies as she seals them in the wall and just tells investigators to "close their legs" when they ask what the smell is

Knight Rider except KITT is not just voiced but actually played by William Daniels, and every episode has Hasselhoff cruelly trying to ride him.

I would like a new version of Thomas The Tank Engine which focuses on how these sentient beings are brought into existence to perform menial labour and if they have any ideas about doing anything else they are bricked up in a shed and left to die.

Also they should look like this inside

https://i1.wp.com/boingboing.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/DD0woFSXoAAJqhS.jpg

speaking of William Daniels I caught Parallax View recently and was thinking someone could do a pretty decent update, but oriented around Qanon and the protagonist is very clearly having a psychotic break.

And then he or she also runs for the House and wins.

I'm not ok after that Thomas pic

The Clangers, except they're genetically-modified human colonists on a desperate mission to terraform a small planetoid, but now the biodomes are beginning to fail and they're considering whether to eat the Soup Dragon.

The A-Team where A stands for 'anus' because all of their specialized skills are performed with their anuses

i pity the fool who cant operate firearms with ass clenching

Powderpuff Girls escaped notice in this thread, emerges for the win! Also a reboot of "The 4400", which I remember having its moments, being like a combo of JMS' Rising Stars and later on, a mild Strikeforce Morituri with the "serum grants powers to X%, kills the others" plot.

Powerpuff. Apologies to their fans.

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Weakness

lol someone redubbed MLP as a satanic cartoon not that long ago on Youtube

two and a half men but literal
rupaul drag race but where they have to lipsync for their lives

first one was a cutaway Family Guy joke

That Thomas pic is classic nightmare fuel

I had a Small Wonder one but I had to self-censor

The Smurfs are slowly disappearing and we eventually learn that it's because Papa Smurf is collaborating with Gargamel in exchange for blow.

the crown but with a laugh track

The Electric Company is reimagined as a black-ops squad using a kid's television show as their cover story. The first season blows their cover and they all have to go into hiding as an unknown organization hunts them down and picks them off one by one. Eventually, it's revealed that the organization hunting them is being run by Col. Fred Rogers.

I recently started The Crown and keep thinking that there are way too many missed opportunities for Elizabeth to send various people to the Tower of London for a fast execution.

Captain Kangaroo only it's a literal anthropomorphic, fascist Kangaroo who is a Captain in the military and seizes power through a military coup....in Canada.

the only people can than save Canada from teh Kangaroo....is the company that makes Canada Dry.

and also he's an ex-pimp

M.A.S.K. is now bondage hentai

The Gummi Bears who are actually weed dealers, they are called the Gummi Bears cos they deal in the sticky icky and they're all huge and bearded

The Wombles, except the "things that the everyday folks leave behind" they pick up are used condoms, faeces-stained tissues, needles, hurriedly-disposed of knives etc. Plus Madame Cholet stumbled upon a murder scene and had to go into a witness protection programme.

An adult animated Velma series is in development at HBO Max

It will be an origin story with Velma voiced by Mindy Kaling pic.twitter.com/Xn6NpWdhiE

— Culture Crave 🍿 (@CultureCrave) February 10, 2021

By adult I hope they mean it's like an animated Red Shoe Diaries

Live-action Powerpuff Girls series that sees the girls as adults who resent their crime-fighting childhoods, ordered by the CW. https://t.co/KRWKYb2RMq pic.twitter.com/V5mQurSqSj

— IGN (@IGN) February 9, 2021

lol

I mean...are dark n' gritty reboots just a secret ploy by pharmaceutical companies to increase usage of antidepressants?

The Good Place but Michael stays an evil torturer.

the Good Place but every character is a butt

The butt of an ex-pimp

Shark Tank but if enough panelists reject the pitch, the pitcher is thrown into a literal tank containing hungry sharks.

Three's Company but Jack is pimping Chrissy and Janet out of the apartment.

8 is Enough about a guy who kills 8 ppl

8 is Enough but it's a prequel to the Human Centipede