Pitch your dark, gritty reboot

that was just the spinoff

Teletubbies -- but they live underground because an asteroid hit the earth and it is actually a desolate wasteland. The only reliable source of protein are young animals and children which they lure in with their bright costumes and playful manner. Half of each episode is a cooking show.

lol

*a cooking show where the four Teletubbies compete to make the most delicious dish out of whatever protein source has ventured their way.

Making the Band - Diddy is unstable and kills a band member an episode, last person standing gets solo deal

we already have the Dark Teletubbies credits footage

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98lOJGTe1M0

oh and each episode there is a celebrity judge

Shark Tank - billionaires travel to an island in the Caribbean where they feed a child to sharks

not if the Teletubbies get it first!!

Shart Tank - buncha people fed laxatives and forbidden from pooping, first who touches cloth loses

Real Sex - exactly the same but now you have to see all those suburban swingers in 4K

also there are three GAPING ANAL specials

rugrats except the characters are actual rats who live under your rug

Care Bears Today!: Now the only thing these Bears Care about is accruing Instagram followers. Just constant, affectless conversations about branding generating content as they putt about in their cloud car.

Scooby Doo - Scooby is a human in a polyamorous puppy-play BDSM relationship with everyone else in the van.

Name That Choon, it's Name That Tune but all the tunes have been replaced by choons

Loveboat but just mostly diarrhea instead of hooking up

Love In The Time Of Norovirus

instead of? these things aren't mutually exclusive

feel like i'm zoolander to will's hansel in a walk-off. way to duplicate, then elaborate.

Making the Band - Diddy is unstable and kills a band member an episode, last person standing gets solo deal

― he said that you son of a bitch (Neanderthal), Thursday, February 4, 2021 10:40 PM (twenty-five minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

more like unmaking the band

mr rogers neighborhood has been gentrified to unaffordability, so presbyterian rev. fred rogers is now living in the church he used minister to and trying to find peace

ok no one’s going to like this but think Lolita except it’s BJ & the Bear.

Casper trying to solve his own brutal murder (which we see in copious and extremely graphic flashbacks)

otoh,, lipstick on a chimp= never not funny

(picnic, mauling)

Welcome Back, Kotter but the Sweat Hogs are all the children of millionaire gentrifiers.

JEOPARDY! but it's Trebek's corpse

wheel of fortune but they crush you under the wheel if you fail to solve the puzzle

Supermarket Sweep except there's no groceries and just apex predators

The Partridge Family but the kids are The Shaggs and Shirley Jones is Austin Wiggin. They are forced to be in a pop group. Locked in the garage to write and rehearse and made to perform in front of hostile audiences who ridicule them.

Valerie, only when the titular lead actress dies instead of introducing a new character and renaming the show The Hogan Family, the family begins to lure new women into the house and murder them for parts so the can create a new vessel that their matriarch's spirit can resurrect into

― Hello Nice FBI Lady (DJP)

^ winner

The Secret World Of Alex Mack, only instead of getting magical powers from the radioactive waste she gets very, very sick

Barney Miller, except the cops are popping pills or have other vices; the n-word and other racial epithets are freely used; and the press is hounding them about a detainee who claims to have been "Louima'd."

macgyver, serial killer

cereal killer. he creates weapons out of corn flakes

Gossip Girl except it's centered around an NXIVM-type cult rather than a school

Mr. Belvedere where he Munchausen-by-proxy-s a different family every season.

The Muppet Show where the cameras are all placed a few feet lower to show the human arms that have been jammed into the upper halves of savagely-bisected and freely-bleeding Muppet corpses.

Dexter's Laboratory, except Dexter is working with anthrax and WMDs.

Fraggle Rock except the rock is a crack rock which they smoke

seinfeld but the entire series takes place after they go to prison

― (The Other) J.D. (J.D.), Thursday, February 4, 2021 7:41 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

Use the entire cast of Oz

― Joe Biden Stan Account (milo z), Thursday, February 4, 2021 7:42 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

Y'all never saw this? https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18kvo

Facts of Life except free bleeders

Gimme a Break! but now they're all compound fracture fetishists

Small Wonder, but Vicky vivisects everybody in her family and nobody ever discovers the bodies as she seals them in the wall and just tells investigators to "close their legs" when they ask what the smell is

Knight Rider except KITT is not just voiced but actually played by William Daniels, and every episode has Hasselhoff cruelly trying to ride him.

I would like a new version of Thomas The Tank Engine which focuses on how these sentient beings are brought into existence to perform menial labour and if they have any ideas about doing anything else they are bricked up in a shed and left to die.

Also they should look like this inside

https://i1.wp.com/boingboing.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/DD0woFSXoAAJqhS.jpg

speaking of William Daniels I caught Parallax View recently and was thinking someone could do a pretty decent update, but oriented around Qanon and the protagonist is very clearly having a psychotic break.

And then he or she also runs for the House and wins.

I'm not ok after that Thomas pic

The Clangers, except they're genetically-modified human colonists on a desperate mission to terraform a small planetoid, but now the biodomes are beginning to fail and they're considering whether to eat the Soup Dragon.