CONGRATULATIONS TOMBOT

quoth the raven

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/07/14/state-department-app.html

State Department apparat asks Clinton to let him use Firefox

Wow, that really IS a lame snipping of the actual answer for lol purposes

stupid fucking question to ask an appointee anyway. reminds me of the Q&A sessions from NSA where people would whine about parking and cafeteria food to Michael Hayden.

oh hey hi dere tom!

I start my fed job on Monday and if I don't get to use Firefox, heads are gonna roll

I should probably call Lisa Jackson and let her know that immediately

lol EPA

I had to start on a tuesday because nobody else is allowed to swear in the same day as the president.

Play Mad Libs with Tombot's professional correspondence:

Gentlemen,

The following quote from the below e-mail has me very confused:
"No one updated the (ACTIVITY) slide last night. I asked (FIRST NAME) about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The (PART OF A DAY) shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to (ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE). This leaves Mr. (LAST NAME) with 60 man-hours per shift under (ANOTHER ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE). Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the (COMPOUND NOUN) and the (NOUN), when on (DAY OF THE WEEK) nights, with roughly equivalent (ANOTHER NOUN) volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the (PART OF A DAY)shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

Needs more snark and particular pop references

that is the best passive aggressive note ever!
chain of command!

seriously though guys do I have to remind you of the mad libs, good clean fun on a bus ride, back in the day, young times, with a pencil and pretend-cleverness?

Gentlemen,

The following quote from the below e-mail has me very confused:
"No one updated the donut-makin' slide last night. I asked Ralfazon about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The lunch shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to Flibbertygibbeting. This leaves Mr. Starr with 60 man-hours per shift under Luger Cleaning. Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the Donkey Hater and the Quiche, when on Party nights, with roughly equivalent codpiece volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the lunch shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

ACTIVITY
FIRST NAME
PART OF A DAY
ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE
LAST NAME
ANOTHER ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE
COMPOUND NOUN
NOUN
DAY OF THE WEEK
ANOTHER NOUN
PART OF A DAY

Gentlemen,

The following quote from the below e-mail has me very confused:

"No one updated the jaywalking slide last night. I asked Berthold about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The early morning shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to Product Liaison. This leaves Mr. Patel with 60 man-hours per shift under Henchman. Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the charm bracelet and the crust, when on Monday nights, with roughly equivalent sweatshirt volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the late afternoon shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

"No one updated the doo doo slide last night. I asked Doo doo about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The doo doo shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to doo doo. This leaves Mr. Doo doo with 60 man-hours per shift under doo doo. Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the doo-doo and the doo doo, when on Doo doo nights, with roughly equivalent doo doo volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the doo doo shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

raise the doo doo up the doo doo

Is having a czar really like fighting a network with an org chart? http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2009/08/white-house-cyber-czar-resigns-good-riddance/. I get that the government doesn't control the internet in the same way they control FEMA's budget or whatever, but it seems like someone should be in charge to the extent that they do have any power.

I've actually made the comment several times that our intelligence community only really understands the "threat piece" insofar as it matches how they do business themselves, e.g. certain agencies are only really capable of comprehending the organizational model of the bad guys who already mimic them. So I have to agree with Tanji on that point, and I'm actually glad he points that out. To present a more oblique metaphor than is strictly necessary: Eliot Ness can fight Al Capone, but Eliot Ness cannot stop the greater menace of organized crime, nor can he stop the Torso Murderer.

A commander-in-chief is useful when the primary issue at hand is comprehensible and soluble from a policy perspective, which generally implies reform and preventative measures vice reactive catch-up nonsense. The position of "cyber czar" to date has always demanded a lot of the latter and never permitted much of the former. So in this regard, Tanji's suggestion of a solution (a guy who knows other guys, or whatever) is short-sighted and silly, because he doesn't recognize the real reason nobody in Washington or in the security industry wants this shitty job. One of my coworkers today suggested that Hathaway's desire for the position automatically disqualifies her, in a lovely real-life Catch-22.

To have any effect beyond being another irritating voice on the conference speakerphone, a cyber czar will have to have the kind of teeth to tell the major players (anti-virus companies, ISPs, platform vendors, etc.) that the US government is done with buying products that ship unsafe, that there is no longer going to be a marketplace for after-market bolt-on airbags and safety belts, and that there will be consequences for peering with criminal enterprises.

(Nevermind trying to encourage international law enforcement cooperation and making sure the local cops in china, korea and eastern europe know how to secure evidence that will hold up after extradition)

To my mind, the best option for a "cyber czar" at this point would be one of the RIAA's lawyers who already has a track record of putting service providers and software developers up against the wall and making ugly demands. And that still only works if congress ponies up and gives him or her the legislative muscle requisite to threaten people with. A seat at 1600 with no "Act" is going to be another waste of everyone's time.

Very interesting, thank you.

btw I have had beers with this dude and he and I basically end up on the same page every day

http://www.guerilla-ciso.com/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/07/AR2009080702805.html

lol

by "lol" I mean that I must refer you all to the office of public affairs for DHS at 202 282 8010 until what an official statement is made

I AM CURIOUS (RESIGNATION)

we're hiring again btw
http://bit.ly/7tRWgl

also my 1-year anniversary as a civil servant is this coming week. No longer a probie will I be! OTOH I'm going in Monday night for holiday overtime to do something that might help Haiti, or so I'm told.

I genuinely love my job. I never thought this could happen.

*applies for job*

*obtains much GS-14*

hey tom whats your take on this google/china thing

does it reveal fatal flaws in the cloud computing concept

also, i miss you

i love how max's brave facade just crumbled there

xo TB

MISSIN U

my take on the google china thing has changed daily since 1807 hrs last tuesday or whenever it flooded all the toilets

frankly after seven years of this business anybody who wants to play like reading somebody else's e-mail is evil/bad-ass shit is like a screamy homeless guy to me

I'm with the germans on this one (and btw US-CERT got there first in 2004)

yo Tombot, good to hear that you like being a govvie. I'm applying for some g5 positions right now.

(btw I am an Operating Thetan with +5 on any dice roll)

I'm with the germans on this one

From what era?

FIGHT THE POWER THAT IS TOMBOT

Hmmm... The IT Specialist position has "many vacancies." It would be nice to work with El Tomboto.

more like bates motel vacancy amirite, hi tom :)

DUDES

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/books/27book.html

MICHIKO KAKUTANI'S FUCKING BYLINE SHOWED UP IN MY WORK E-MAIL WHAT THE FUCK
SHOULD I REPLY-ALL WITH THE MCSWEENEY'S PIECE

declare cyberwar on the offices of the ny times

what mcsweeney's piece?

Think it's this one: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/1999/01/23michiko.html

One night Fred asked me if I was coming out with him and Peter for late night hot tuna grinders.

^greatest line

TOMBOT

DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT REVEAL YOURSELF AS INTERESTING AT WORK

THAT WAY LIES GREAT SADNESS

Blackouts hit New York, Los Angeles, Washington and more than 100 other American cities. Subways crash. Trains derail. Airplanes fall from the sky.

Gas pipelines explode. Chemical plants release clouds of toxic chlorine. Banks lose all their data. Weather and communication satellites spin out of their orbits.

JFK! BLOWN AWAY! WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!

I love that it's all "This may sound like a stupid Bruce Willis film with Bruce Willis in it, but I've just read it in a BOOK."

"This might sound like a takeoff on the 2007 Bruce Willis 'Die Hard' movie, a franchise which has graced the Sony Playstation 2 and the Microsoft Xbox, which has been compared with Justin Beiber in its hold on the American imagination, and which simply outmuscles rival films such as 2003's Bad Boys II starring Martin Lawrence and Will Smith (is this enough SEO juice yet?) (Ed: yes)"

I don't know that I can actually name 100 other american cities, anyway

I mean there's only 32 football teams

dammit I was about to start typing out 100 other US cities before realizing "wait, crazy OCD"