Homemade Jokes

My wife just got back from a trip to the part of the US with the lowest population density.

Alaska?

Yeah cool, I'm sure she'd be happy to tell you all about it.

how did the musician do when they tried to cover “kiss from a rose” in the style of the breeders?

they tried their best but they just couldnt Seal the Deal

lol

what's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Alive!

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Tuesday, November 10, 2020 5:16 AM (one month ago) bookmarkflaglink

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher morning!

haha

I don't want to just sit here, I want to be part of a movement, my bowels said.

What is the pornography connoisseur's motto?
"vidi, vini, dormivi"

Skeeter: Say Peter, how many Black male vocal groups can you name?
Peter: Well Skeeter now that I think about it four, tops.

(to someone talking about their impostor syndrome) : "You're not even a real impostor"

^ it's too obvious and probably old but in my mind I thought of it myself (I'm having impostor syndrome about it now, lol)

https://i.imgur.com/AOFXNNq.png

"Santa, where do babies come from?"

"Well, Timmy, it's like this. You dash her, you dance her, you prance with that vixen. You com in it, you cupe in it, you don her and blitz in."

wow well done haha

i don't know. i find it a little rude, off in some way too.

santa's lying about how he gets all those toys out, he'd definitely lie to timmy and say "holiday wishes" and "traditional marriage" or some shit before winking and flying off.

how does santa get all those toys out?

global capitalist exploitation

(i irl lol'd at the fgti santa fwiw)

Q: Why did the Grim Reaper return his Amazon order?

A: Wrong scythe

Did you hear that Pharrell and Chad Hugo are trying to help their kids get started in the music business?
It's a real case of Nepotunism.

Hearing that 1980s popular music group ABC are calling for a national lockdown on the grounds that tiers are not enough.

Meanwhile Tuxedo Moon are reported as saying they believe zoos should remain open in the evenings.

Some Radio 4 topical comedy level content there.

My lols are dry

Folks, I'm no antivaxer or conspiracy theorist, but I'm a little concerned about Bill Gates' involvement in the COVID vaccine. What if it automatically reformats our DNA?

will we need a patch every month?

My wife doesn't want me to get the vaccine. She says, "I like you better in a mask."

The other day, I thought I had Covid. I got dressed up for my wife and she said, "You have no taste."

I had some Covid symptoms the other day. I asked my doctor, "Are you worried?" He said, "Yeah, there's a chance you'll survive."

^ makes me want to try the veal

what did james murphy call his home security setup of dogs with lights strapped to their heads?

the LED houndsystem

I think I might be immune to Covid. Every time my wife sees me naked, she says, "You have an antibody."

This lockdown's been tough on us. My wife redecorated the bedroom — she put up a "Keep 6 feet apart" sign.

Work's been tough, too. I asked my boss if I could work remotely. He said, "Not even close."

you are inching closer to a tight borscht-belt five

Keep it up, you might be able to put together a whole set

lol xp

Sometimes I feel like my wife isn't even listening to me anymore during our conversations. In fact, I suspect she has me on mute.

I hear you. I’m so ugly, I tried to Facetime my wife — she thought it was a butt dial.

I’m too ugly for Zoom, too. Every time I call someone, they complain about my webcam. That it’s on.

wakka wakka wakka

You're right. This pandemic's no joke. A friend asked if I can handle social distancing. I said, "I'm married, ain't I?"

take my wife... mask

Using reconciliation to get the bigger package? Sounds like when I sleep with my ex!

Reach around the aisle

and continuing the "jokes overheard in p-town" theme:

I started a substack. Come by tonight and I'll add you to the pile!

Tried putting some bits of those CGYOOMH films into a Prophet 2000 sampler and all that came out was silence. Those Curtis filters work really well!

So you've heard Linkin Park, but have you ever heard my Instagram band, Linkin Bio?

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"cos u don't wash ur ass"

And Neanderthal said unto the Lord,

Fuck washing an ass

what do you call it when you point and laugh at someone else's climate disaster? no-shade-enfreude

Donna Summer went to a bar one night in the 70s, hoping to meet a nice man. She met a dashing, peculiar man in a trenchcoat. He seemed sweet, but something was off about him that she couldn't put her finger on. After a few dates, her heart was broken when the man removed his trenchcoat and revealed he was not a man at all, but four eels stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat.

Her heart was broken. She felt so deceived. She stopped dating for a while. Her friend was worried about her and invited her out to go to a bar a few months later.

She talked to a few guys, but didn't really hit it off. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a dashing man wearing a trenchcoat. She started to get up, and her friend smiled, but Donna then hesitated and sat back down, laughing to herself.
"Donna, why didn't you go talk to that man?", he asked. "You two might have hit it off!"
Donna replied - "This time, I know it's four eels."

I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy

— joshh O))) (@JNalv) February 20, 2013

Terrific joke

lol ledge yesterday I spent all day wondering why my 'joek' felt so derivative and a friend shared that with me and I remembered I'd seen it years earlier.