God bless the goddamn Onion

i think theres just something inherently funny about subway. i cant explain it.

Did the 9/11 one originally have Jared?

no it was always that dude

There are amazing Jared posts like this one DATED MAY 2017
https://www.theonion.com/subway-drops-jared-fogle-as-spokesperson-1819579883

and:
https://www.theonion.com/no-one-in-prison-sure-how-jared-fogle-still-eating-subw-1825829806

Stephen Miller Enraged After Discovering Cantaloupe He’s Fucking From Mexico https://t.co/9IUvSBGQ76 pic.twitter.com/mkCAeBx4EN

— The Onion (@TheOnion) September 17, 2020

https://www.theonion.com/rudy-giuliani-tests-positive-for-slew-of-obscure-bat-di-1845255014

lmao

https://www.theonion.com/newly-elected-qanon-congresswoman-worried-she-selling-o-1845574440

https://www.theonion.com/d-c-police-lose-control-of-rioting-trump-supporters-af-1846002738

Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S. https://t.co/9OrohtoKAu pic.twitter.com/3oXoTfLbIE

— The Onion (@TheOnion) January 6, 2021

🐦[Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S. https://t.co/9OrohtoKAu🕸 pic.twitter.com/3oXoTfLbIE🕸
— The Onion (@TheOnion) January 6, 2021🕸]🐦

Lol. because I was working there back then!

jfc these folks do not pull any punches

Sympathetic Police Know What It’s Like To Have A Bad Day And Kill 8 People https://t.co/O6MCzgA4Ii pic.twitter.com/agbbcv3S1h

— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 17, 2021

Atlanta Police Rule Out Mass Shooting As Cause Of Death After Suspect Says He Didn’t Shoot Anyone https://t.co/0J5FzYSxtb pic.twitter.com/xTqhFme4eK

— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 17, 2021

https://entertainment.theonion.com/bugs-bunny-explains-how-lebron-helped-him-get-sober-for-1834816124

https://www.theonion.com/please-like-me-1848674003

https://www.theonion.com/louisiana-police-officer-plants-aborted-fetus-on-black-1848892165

Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman https://t.co/nngdJBrsN1 pic.twitter.com/t9ajmIhgmo

— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 26, 2022

they've been going hard lately

Texas Passes Mandatory 24-Hour Waiting Period Before Police Can Engage Active Shooters https://t.co/UVZeprK1vp pic.twitter.com/26vK7Ie4Pf

— The Onion (@TheOnion) June 3, 2022

https://www.theonion.com/unsettling-peta-ad-features-sobbing-burger-giving-man-b-1848956134

At the risk of outing myself as a snowflake who can't handle "edgy" humor: the new Kelly comic ('Pay Palm Bomb') is kinda gross & I'm not feeling it.

Seemed rather benign to me?

I guess what's tasteless about it is the reference to the famous photo of Phan Thi Kim Phuc, even if it is "ironic"? It's say it's too offensive to be funny, but not offensive enough to be "offensive".

lol fuck

Ok, that went past me.

But now in context with Kelly's commentary in the corner, it is a little much.

stuff like this is what makes it so brilliant though, it's a reflection of the mindset that causes people to show up wearing yellow Stars of David to city council meetings to protest vaccination requirements

Pay Palm... ok, ok.

why even draw the barrel then.

Kelly is another one of the Onion's self-deluded editorial characters. He's a bitter self-absorbed old fuck who's driven his family and friends away and treats everything that's even a slight inconvenience to him as if it's a major outrage.

if you're in the mood for livid sarcasm the homepage is pretty remarkable right now

Supreme Court Votes 5-4 To Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night

6-4 actually, Kavanaugh voted twice.

This is quite far down the page but oof

https://www.theonion.com/kavanaugh-thomas-champion-creating-better-future-for-n-1849106105

https://www.theonion.com/dying-polar-bear-has-to-admit-owning-a-private-jet-woul-1849435124

Oops, meant to post as a title:

Dying Polar Bear Has To Admit Owning A Private Jet Would Be Fucking Sick

So, @TheOnion filed an amicus brief before the Supreme Court in defense of parody under the First Amendment… and it’s exactly what you’d expect. https://t.co/1JFfSqUJFA pic.twitter.com/efapgFF7dx

— Anthony Michael Kreis (@AnthonyMKreis) October 3, 2022

Brett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare

I feel like this is one headline that will keep coming up again and again:

Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings https://t.co/TacilAGlyC pic.twitter.com/jUhmf2hRV9

— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 26, 2022

The Onion > ClickHole. I said it, fite me.

https://www.theonion.com/best-bios-from-the-conservatives-only-online-dating-sit-1849642523

I’m gonna go ahead and walk that back a lil bit.

It’s Women Of Color Visibility Month! And Even If It Isn’t, It Should Be, And Let’s Be Real, Are You Gonna Try To Argue It’s Not? https://t.co/mITLjGZEQa pic.twitter.com/SOkdExDIxf

— The Onion (@TheOnion) December 1, 2022

No the second one is good, whereas the first is just more evidence that they're better the shorter they are, and it keeps going past the point where you think it might loop back around to good - but it never does.

https://www.theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997

Boiling the piss of the right people.

It’s a source of wonder to me that this guy once made a living out of writing comedy. Now he’s… this. Transphobia rots the brain, kids. pic.twitter.com/DHmSxABvoo

— Paul Duane 🏳️‍⚧️ (@paulduanefilm) February 17, 2023

https://www.theonion.com/evangelical-leaders-announce-j-k-rowling-finally-bigot-1850129128

loll

A meme from somewhere that I saw on discord.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/886401332460793896/1081998660407136380/IMG_4542.png

https://www.theonion.com/texas-bans-consensual-sex-1848631845

https://www.theonion.com/j-k-rowling-announces-she-no-longer-transphobic-after-1850432981

kelly reaching the stars

https://www.instagram.com/p/CvIsExgu4RJ/

Is that on the Onion, or somewhere else publicly viewable?

https://www.theonion.com/curbed-emissions-1850673988

Kelly watch the stars

It’s great that through all the ownership and editorship changes of the Onion he is still there. Ward Sutton did a great cartoon (Ward’s Cleaver) under his real name for alt weeklies when those existed. And he went to my Alma Mater!