abysmal real names

... implies the existence of Jr, poor kid

Wolfe­schlegel­stein­hausen­berger­dorff claimed that his great-grandfather composed the surname in the 19th century, when German Jews were obliged to take a second name.[24] In some printings of the above-noted AP wire story, Wolfe­schlegel­stein­hausen­berger­dorff himself provided the following explanation of his prodigious surname:[25]

It tells a story of a wolf-killer, a resident of a stonehouse in a village, whose ancestors were conscientious shepherds whose sheep were well fed and carefully guarded against attack by ferocious enemies and whose ancestors 1,200,000 years before the first earth man, in a space ship made with tungsten and seven iridium motors and using light as a source of power, started a long journey across interstellar space, searching for a star around which was an inhabitable planet where they could establish a new race of intelligent mankind and where they would live long, happy lives and be free from attack by other intelligentsia from the outer space from whence they came.

we're in the wrong "real names" thread!

I met Abbie Downton the other day

At a drag show?

Christopher Hollister Trump-Retchin

Madison Brengle

Rookie of the year in Syracuse AA-ball back in 2016 but never developed any pop in his bat. Starting to think seriously about that dealership in Tampa his former hitting coach has been bugging him about, says he can name it Brengle Chevy if he wants.

Madison Brengle is in fact a female tennis player who's been accused of match-fixing. So you're not too far off

I knew a Brengle family growing up, they were insane evangelical Christians, parents got divorced after father had affair. Both kids were very handsome and totally nuts.

chick drewrey

You’ve gotta love Mississippi politics. #Bilbo #VoteSnuffy #msleg #mspol pic.twitter.com/ZdhKm4sJFM

— J. Robertson (@JRobertsonMS) October 14, 2020

marissa hiney

"The big money is the chemistry between the two of them, the combination between the two of them. Look at the day after he picked her, money went gaga, went crazy,” said Dick Harpootlian, a longtime Biden friend and donor.

aw, that’s harsh. I’ll give you Dick, but Harpootliyan is just a nice Armenian name that indicates his ancestors were from the Ottoman town of Harput.

I dunno. You can say that, but it make me envision alien poot harpoons.

that would make it a cool name tho

Br@y V W33tman

Cool name or silver age comic villain?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dickson_Despommier

The middle initial is just gratuitous though...

Poor little mite.

https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/midlands-news/birthday-card-plea-oscar-jealous-19246362

Gentry Stein

I just cannot be mature and professional when reading this paper
https://i.imgur.com/7PkLrxb.png

"Big" Don Abernathy

"Gabb" Don Abernebbthy

Nobody knows what that’s even in reference to.

Lol

assert (MatthewK) - Now I've got the Shel Silverstein song "I'm Being Eaten by a Boa Constrictor" stuck in my head.

My oldest granddaughter Christie Nicklaus – my son Jack’s 2nd-oldest child – just married Todger Strunk. What a beautiful wedding and an even more beautiful couple! They look like they were made for each other. Barbara and I wish them happiness and love for an eternity! @CNStrunk pic.twitter.com/lfiVBuPheu

— Jack Nicklaus (@jacknicklaus) December 14, 2020

So abysmal it's gone viral, but perhaps slightly too colourful and prurient for this thread's true purpose

The surname really makes it though.

strunk so white

Motherfuckers wanna fine em

Police have launched a manhunt for a 28-year-old wanted on suspicion of the murder of a pensioner in Essex.

Essex police are trying to find Leighton Snook after 83-year-old Donald Ralph was found dead at his home in the village of Aldham, near Colchester, just after 1pm on Tuesday.

not as flamboyant as most entries here but I just saw a reference to one Mike Michael and come on

(and sorry he's too old for his parents to be Broadcast fans)

Obviously not really fair to highlight names that are only abysmal in English, but nonetheless...

Dylan Cretin

Surely the accent aigu's absence makes it alright (not).

Jadran Duncumb

Flavia Piggins

atm I work with someone that has the last name H00fard, and I feel like a middle-schooler as I quietly snicker every time I read her name.

We've had a Fr4nk Buzz4rd at work for a few months. No relation to the Frank Chickens as far as I know.

I'm a bit torn on this: for now it feels maybe a bit "poor kid", but it would be awesome if she went on to kick absolutely everybody's butt.

V3lva L33 Sh3rman

Found in the cemetery yesterday: Fanny Mass

sure that wasn't the cause of death accidentally written on the tombstone?

it occurred to me, yes

Théotime Langlois de Swarte

Tanguy de Williencourt

Proof positive that the French Revolution has yet to complete its mission.

Together they've just released an album devoted to Proust-adjacent fin-de-siècle works for violin and piano.

in a 'too much time on ilx' moment, my company apparently has a Rh0nd@ Butt.

Quite a common surname on the Indian subcontinent.

it was more the Rh0nda (ilx meme) combined with that name that I took notice of, as it's not that weird for someone to have a last name "Butt" or "Butts"

Don't know that meme tbh.

Casey Horny