Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise Flick of 2020

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He surely had the sway to jettison most of the tired baggage and turn this into a full-on McQuarrie 'not actually Mission: Impossible...but let's be honest, basically M:I in every way that counts' film. But instead he chose to give the director of Oblivion another shot.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 16:53 (four years ago) link

There could be an entire season of On Cinema at the Cinema based on just this list. I can already hear Gregg Turkington lamenting the lack of Jack Nicholson in Impractical Jokers: The Movie.

blatherskite, Monday, 6 January 2020 17:50 (four years ago) link

The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard asks the question, 'Did you like The Hitman's Wife? Did you like The Bodyguard? Well, how about both of those worlds, on screen together.' And it really is the best of both worlds, although sadly they weren't able to get Whitney Houston to return to her role. This is the kind of cinematic mash-up I hope we see more of from Hollywood, and something film buffs have been clamoring for. Like many other Hobbit-heads, I know I'd like to see as many films as possible featuring my hero, Bilbo Baggins. So that's why I've started a petition for a crossover which is a remake of the first Christian Bale Batman movie, but better because it takes place in Middle Earth. Please go to the VFA website and add your signature to the growing list of people demanding Batman Baggins.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:01 (four years ago) link

The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard is actually set in the same cinematic universe as The Wife, not to be a pedant about it

the public eating of beans (Sparkle Motion), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:03 (four years ago) link

xp I give your post five bags of popcorn and a Whitney Houston cassette single.

blatherskite, Monday, 6 January 2020 18:07 (four years ago) link

The Hitman, The Thief, His Wife & Her Bodyguard

☮️ (peace, man), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:12 (four years ago) link

But which one of them eats a dead man's penis at the end, is the real question

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:20 (four years ago) link

where are my fellow Croodheads

frogbs, Monday, 6 January 2020 18:26 (four years ago) link

thats my pick for oscar

american bradass (BradNelson), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:30 (four years ago) link

As much amused as I am by the "eh, fuck it"-ness of simply adding a 2 to a film's name, wish more of them would go for the cheesy title. Why settle for A Quiet Place: Part II when you could go with A Quiet Place: Listen Harder or Sequels are Golden? Although I suppose studios have run out of titles for something like Fast & Furious by now:

The franchise isn’t slowing down anytime soon. Fast 10 is already in the works; Hobbs & Shaw looks destined for sequels; an animated series is coming to Netflix; and Diesel previously revealed that a female spin-off is being planned. And for all those Ludacris and Tyrese fans, Morgan tells EW that they have a “fun idea” for a Tej and Roman spin-off.

blatherskite, Monday, 6 January 2020 18:37 (four years ago) link

As much amused as I am by the "eh, fuck it"-ness of simply adding a 2 to a film's name, wish more of them would go for the cheesy title.

You are gonna love next year's "Do a Little More"

Guayaquil (eephus!), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:42 (four years ago) link

Peter Rabbit 2: You Fucking Deserve This

totally unnecessary bewbz of exploitation (DJP), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:49 (four years ago) link

How Peter got his powers

papa stank (Neanderthal), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:52 (four years ago) link

Poochie-fying Beatrix Potter is such a truly hateful endeavor. That honestly might get my vote.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 18:58 (four years ago) link

I just assume, based on the soiled fruits of their labors, that many of the people producing entertainment for children are among the biggest misanthropes walking the earth.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 19:03 (four years ago) link

One would assume IP is purchased to capitalize on the name recognition, but like, are there many parents who still read Beatrix Potter to their kids? Are people going to see it specifically because it's Peter Rabbit, rather than just a kid's movie with talking animals? That puzzles me about Hollywood's determination to constantly remake Doctor Doolittle. What public is clamoring for an adaptation to will do it justice? Surely if anyone knows Doolittle these days, it's as a property that reliably turns out awful, not as a children's book series.

blatherskite, Monday, 6 January 2020 19:15 (four years ago) link

People, particularly upper-middle class and wealthy educated people, still read to their kids.

totally unnecessary bewbz of exploitation (DJP), Monday, 6 January 2020 19:21 (four years ago) link

I'm not crazy about Disney having rights to Winnie the Pooh but at least it keeps, like, Illumination or Dreamworks from creating adaptations that would inevitably focus heavily on the Pooh.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 19:30 (four years ago) link

Christopher Robin: Why do they call you Pooh?
Winnie: Whyncha pull mah finger and find out, m'broham?!
Tigger: (starts rapping about Domino's Pizza)

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 19:31 (four years ago) link

kids movies are especially lucrative in the streaming era since kids between say 3 and 6 really do just wanna watch the same things over and over and over again.

for example my 5 year old son absolutely loves Stuart Little and wants to watch it every single day (at least, the first 15-30 minutes of it). all because my Mom showed it to him while she was babysitting once. so I would imagine that's part of the decision, right? some grandma remembers reading Peter Rabbit to her kids and knows there's a movie out there, so that's what she's gonna show them, and then they're hooked. you wouldn't believe how popular these things are. there are like, Arabic versions of Stuart Little on YouTube that are put through crazy filters and have audio that doesn't sync up, all to fool the copyright detectors, which rack up like a million views a week.

frogbs, Monday, 6 January 2020 19:38 (four years ago) link

I had to rewatch the Disney Winnie the Pooh over Christmas as my nephew loves it, and I’m reminded of just how jarringly wrong it is. The characterisations and voices are so wrong, and why did they add in the gopher?

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Monday, 6 January 2020 19:41 (four years ago) link

At least it isn’t 3D, I presume peter rabbit will be 3D

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Monday, 6 January 2020 19:41 (four years ago) link

i feel like peter rabbit is one of those things where most people experience it as "name recognition" but if pressed wouldn't actually know what it is or why they know it, same w/"puss in boots" etc.

warn me about a lurking rake (One Eye Open), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:08 (four years ago) link

I know nothing about these "Hitman's etc" movies but I hope they just make more sequels and just add an extra person for every movie:

The Hitman's Wife's Daughter's Bodyguard
The Hitman's Wife's Daughter's Gardener's Bodyguard
The Hitman's Wife's Daughter's Gardener's Bodyguard's Mailman
etc.

silverfish, Monday, 6 January 2020 20:14 (four years ago) link

Whyncha pull mah finger and find out, m'broham?!

Dying at this, by the way.

A perfect transcript of a routine post (Dan Peterson), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:16 (four years ago) link

xpost If they did that and each successive movie focused on the mundane activities of the titular character while the real action took place somewhere off in the distance or just out of frame, leaving the audience to piece together the putative plot based on scant and intermittent information, that is a movie franchise I would wholeheartedly champion.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:18 (four years ago) link

i feel like peter rabbit is one of those things where most people experience it as "name recognition" but if pressed wouldn't actually know what it is or why they know it, same w/"puss in boots" etc.

― warn me about a lurking rake (One Eye Open), Tuesday, January 7, 2020 7:08 AM (nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Not sure if this is universal but both of those resonate pretty strongly as a Brit. I could give you a plot synopsis of either one as a much loved children’s book and one as a panto staple.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:21 (four years ago) link

xp

oh that would be so good

kind of similar to an idea I had years ago about making a movie which would be some kind of serious family drama, but at the same time there would be some kind of Avengers style superhero fights happening all around the city but you'd only get bits of this here and there when a TV is left on or whatever.

silverfish, Monday, 6 January 2020 20:26 (four years ago) link

there was a movie called Big Man Japan that was kinda like that

frogbs, Monday, 6 January 2020 20:33 (four years ago) link

movie focused on the mundane activities of the titular character while the real action took place somewhere off in the distance or just out of frame, leaving the audience to piece together the putative plot based on scant and intermittent information, that is a movie franchise I would wholeheartedly champion.

so basically Twin Peaks: The Return

the public eating of beans (Sparkle Motion), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:36 (four years ago) link

Yes, like what Lynch would probably do if given a job directing, I dunno, the next Jack Reacher.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:39 (four years ago) link

'Wait, was that Tom Cruise who just rappelled from the top of a football stadium in the background of that shot where a bald Laura Dern hatched from a glowing egg?'

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:42 (four years ago) link

From the OPs wiki list, I'm vaguely interested in The Turning, First Cow, Saint Maud, The Woman in the Window, Tenet, Last Night in Soho, Deep Water, and Dune. Pleased to see Ana de Armas and Anya Taylor-Joy are keeping busy (3+ films each), though I'll take a hard pass on most of their roles. A24 please save us.

With so many tedious options, hard to choose which will be worst. I'll give it to Mulan, as Disney live-action remakes are among the most dispiriting things about the modern studio era.

Now We Know (Sanpaku), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:45 (four years ago) link

Which reminds me of something that's missing from the list: Jungle Cruise! Just when we thought the era of Disney turning their theme park rides into movies was over. Can't wait for Carousel of Progress!

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:51 (four years ago) link

Well, I guess it doesn't technically fit the thread purview, but you better believe I'll pitch a fit if Jungle Cruise 4: Jungle in the Bunghole is omitted from the 2029 poll.

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Monday, 6 January 2020 20:53 (four years ago) link

I always wanted to see a movie from the POV of the guy who owns the fruit stand that gets wrecked in the big car chase. Just a regular day at work interrupted by a moment of inexplicable chaos, then having to clean it all up, not knowing what the hell just happened.

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Tuesday, 7 January 2020 22:45 (four years ago) link

Ronin are Fuckin Cunts (2023). I'd see it.
https://youtu.be/mvMVfICBC-U?t=199

Now We Know (Sanpaku), Tuesday, 7 January 2020 23:05 (four years ago) link

Sean Bean's labour of love

papa stank (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 7 January 2020 23:14 (four years ago) link

lolling at Jungle In The Bunghole tbh

Although I suppose studios have run out of titles for something like Fast & Furious by now:

The franchise isn’t slowing down anytime soon. Fast 10 is already in the works;

Fast Ten: Zip Fastener

He surely had the sway to jettison most of the tired baggage and turn this into a full-on McQuarrie 'not actually Mission: Impossible...but let's be honest, basically M:I in every way that counts' film. But instead he chose to give the director of Oblivion another shot.

Mission Impossibles aren't things that McQuarrie wants to make, and he's already making a third & fourth back to back, so a second-and-a-halfth wouldn't really be necessary. He just can't get any of his own projects funded, and decided to stop doing studio rewrite jobs in 2005, approx. nine seconds before his first meeting with Cruise. He's said every time he finishes a $300-750million-making movie for a studio he pitches his own scripts, gets turned down, and says yes to whatever gig Cruise is offering him next, because they collaborate well. Whatever Maverick is (idk) is obviously what Cruise wanted to do with it, not something Cruise has been tricked into.

don't care didn't ask still clappin (sic), Tuesday, 7 January 2020 23:27 (four years ago) link

Maverick is about how Scientology can help the Navy

papa stank (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 7 January 2020 23:44 (four years ago) link

Go faster. Aim higher. Get clear.

don't care didn't ask still clappin (sic), Wednesday, 8 January 2020 00:00 (four years ago) link

Just for the record, McQuarrie is credited as a writer on Top Gun 2: Another Gun That's On Top of the Gun That Was Formerly On Top

Drive Like a Demon From Steakhouse to Steakhouse (Old Lunch), Wednesday, 8 January 2020 01:06 (four years ago) link

says yes to whatever gig Cruise is offering him next, because they collaborate well

He's a producer on it, too.

don't care didn't ask still clappin (sic), Wednesday, 8 January 2020 01:13 (four years ago) link

I'm sure most of these will be bad but this was a surprisingly easy vote for "Bad Boys For Life" to me.

justfanoe (Greg Fanoe), Wednesday, 8 January 2020 15:50 (four years ago) link

^ turns out this is not by Bay by the way

don't care didn't ask still clappin (sic), Wednesday, 8 January 2020 21:28 (four years ago) link

Mulan, between the director of Whale Rider and the trailer's indications that it will not be a musical with a wisecracking dragon sidekick, has a good chance of being the best movie on this list! be a bummer if it is indeed really good but nobody goes because of their experience of these other disney remakes. less of a bummer if that brings an end to that project, but c'mon, that's not gonna happen til they run out of viable properties for it (which might actually happen soon enough).

recently rewatched the original Freaky Friday and THAT is something that should basically be remade for every generation of teenagers: great premise, but no particular incidents or characters or songs that you'd "have" to include and inevitably ruin.

tempted to vote for New Mutants out of tradition but there's a lot of dreck here. Ghostbusters looks particularly awful but it's at the disadvantage of its unappealing trailer already being out. i gotta think about this one.

Doctor Casino, Thursday, 9 January 2020 02:16 (four years ago) link

How many more of these remakes are they going to make? Hercules I guess, Pocahontas too.

Frederik B, Thursday, 9 January 2020 09:16 (four years ago) link

Next up apparently are Peter Pan, The Sword in the Stone, Pinocchio and The Little Mermaid as well as some live action spin offs like Cruella, Tink and Rose Red

groovypanda, Thursday, 9 January 2020 12:29 (four years ago) link


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