Dave: MadTV (November 25, 1995)
Dave: Hi. Uhh, yeah, I'm Dave Foley, and I just wanted to talk to you, not just as a middle-rung celebrity, but also as a Canadian who has recently moved to your country.
Now I've been surprised to find how little Americans seem to know about Canada. Now granted, there are many similarities between our two nations but there are also many subtle differences that give us our unique Canadian identity. For example, in Canada everyone hates Barbara Streisand. But here she seems to be quite popular.
And there are other differences too. I mean, we don't have states; we have provinces. Umm, we use the metric system. Canadians and Americans both love football, but in Canada the game is played slightly differently. The field is a different size for one thing, The CFL field is 17 miles long and 6 feet wide. So understandably, games are a little longer. In fact, the 1949 Gray Cup game is still in progress.
Many Americans believe that our national anthem is "Oh Canada" simply because we enjoy singing it before hockey games. But in fact, our anthem is "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace.
Our systems of government differ somewhat in that America is a Republic with a President, a Congress, and a Senate. In Canada we are ruled by a small boy with supernatural powers... of whom we are all very fond.
Now in the U.S. when a mommy and daddy love each other, they perform bipolar sexual intercourse and make a baby. Canadians, however, are a breed of hermaphrodites who reproduce by means of auto-insemination, thus eliminating the need for sex. This also explains why we don't really have a film industry.
And of course, how can we discuss Canada without discussing the weather. Yes, it is cold in Canada. It is very, very cold, are ya HAPPY now?? Yes, the average year-round temperature is 275 degrees below zero, but that is CELCIUS. Now can we talk about something else??
Like for example, the fact that our atmosphere is pure sulpher dioxide which is, of course, incapable of sustaining life, LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT. Or the fact that we only have gravity for 6 hours out of each day and spend the rest of our time desparately clinging to trees to avoid being spun into the endless abyss of space.
Yes, all this is true, but at least we have universal health care.
Thank you for your time.
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 01:27 (twenty years ago) link
― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:09 (twenty years ago) link
― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:10 (twenty years ago) link
― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:30 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:33 (twenty years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:39 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:42 (twenty years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:45 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:59 (twenty years ago) link
― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 03:00 (twenty years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 03:06 (twenty years ago) link
― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 03:06 (twenty years ago) link
― anthony easton (anthony), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 03:18 (twenty years ago) link
― A Nairn (moretap), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 04:22 (twenty years ago) link
― Sengai, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 04:52 (twenty years ago) link
― latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:00 (twenty years ago) link
― LC, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:06 (twenty years ago) link
― Casuistry (Chris P), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:12 (twenty years ago) link
― sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:18 (twenty years ago) link
ok I can't find it. I'll just mention these instead:
Dave Foley w/ Breasts "Danny? Do these look new? Stop Staring Danny."
Scott Thompson wants his wife Kevin to pay more attention to his nipples, she doesn't want to because he pees from them, Scott says "Honey, I pee through my penis" Kevin starts to disgustedly wash his mouth out with water.
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:28 (twenty years ago) link
― sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:31 (twenty years ago) link
Also, "Here's to [Bob?] and ritual murder!"
― sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:32 (twenty years ago) link
oh, yeah..
Touch Bellini!
― daria g (daria g), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:34 (twenty years ago) link
― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:37 (twenty years ago) link
--Buddy C0le on Vice
― daria g (daria g), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 05:38 (twenty years ago) link
Dave: Sorry, no can do! Although I'd love to! [turns towards Mark] Oh sure Nina, I experimented with homosexuality in college, but then who didn't? Oh! And I drank human blood! There, I said it and I feel better for having said it!
Buddy doing the Wizard of Oz routine with Tammy and the Tammy video, that's priceless.
Segragation...in the nation...and dance
Tammy Tammy! What do you think of abortion?
um, never on the first date?
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 06:35 (twenty years ago) link
the flying pig one
girl drink drunk
bobby terence vs the devil
gavin eating the goldfish
the one where kevin leans back in his chair and is knocked unconscious...
they're all so so so so so good... roll on season 2 DVDs!!
― stevie (stevie), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 09:39 (twenty years ago) link
― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 10:38 (twenty years ago) link
― Speedy (Speedy Gonzalas), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 10:54 (twenty years ago) link
― Speedy (Speedy Gonzalas), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 11:10 (twenty years ago) link
"His wife did it."
"EEEEVILLLL!"
― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:20 (twenty years ago) link
― earlnash, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:42 (twenty years ago) link
― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:45 (twenty years ago) link
― Al (sitcom), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:55 (twenty years ago) link
― Al (sitcom), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:56 (twenty years ago) link
― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:56 (twenty years ago) link
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:57 (twenty years ago) link
― Al (sitcom), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:59 (twenty years ago) link
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 14:59 (twenty years ago) link
― Al (sitcom), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:02 (twenty years ago) link
beautiful.
― the angry cowboy (dick), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:02 (twenty years ago) link
I hate the swiss.
― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:03 (twenty years ago) link
he has!
― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:04 (twenty years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:11 (twenty years ago) link
"if I'm the air traffic controller around here, then you're grounded, mister!"
― Al (sitcom), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:12 (twenty years ago) link
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:14 (twenty years ago) link
Dave: Bruce has something that he'd like to say to everyone. Go ahead, Bruce.
Bruce: Hi.
Dave: Go on, Bruce.
Dave: Just do it, Bruce. Come on. [The two of them argue slightly]
Bruce: OK, you asked me. . .
Dave: Well, just do it. . .
Bruce: Fine. I'll do it . . .
Dave: Just go.
Bruce: Dave Foley, ladies and gentlemen.
[applause]
Dave: No, just do it, Bruce. You're wasting a lot of time. Bruce McCulloch would like to say something.
Bruce: I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. [laughter] I didn't realize it was such a hideous disease.
[more laughter. Dave looks bewildered]
Dave: [angry] I suppose you think that makes it, OK? 'I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. . .' you don't even sound like you mean it, Bruce.
Bruce: Dave, you asked me to apologize and that's just what I did.
Dave: I'm sorry. Well, in rehearsal you sounded like you meant it, it sounded like you were actually remorseful about what you had done, but this was pretty, pretty lame, Bruce. I think you should apologize like you really mean it.
Bruce: [hurt] Fine, David. I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll . . .
Dave: . . . and?
Bruce: and I won't do it again.
Dave: Thank you, Bruce.
― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:30 (twenty years ago) link
"oh no, time to clean up the country!"
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:31 (twenty years ago) link
"In the darkness...in the blackness..."
― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:31 (twenty years ago) link
― Al (sitcom), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:32 (twenty years ago) link