Canceling Ellen and the NFL: QUEER FALL of 2019

<3

I was at an extremely posh fundraising dinner as a kind of adjunct because I was DJing at the party afterwards and was seated at a table with four rich but extremely nice people I'd never met and who didn't all know each other either. I was sitting beside a mid 50s woman who'd moved from Malta to Glasgow a decade or so earlier to Marry a Glaswegian. I asked her, for the table conversation rather than one-to-one, if she missed the Sun and she explained that it was the hardest thing about it and went on "... I just make up for it by getting as much Vitamin D as I can get, I take Vitamin D daily and I'll take it in any form".

The more she talked about it the more I couldn't hold it in and lept up from the table and ran to the toilets. It was a bit awkward when I returned but I guess them thinking that I was going to shit myself and had to make it to the look IMMEDIATELY was less embarrassing than the other option, that I was pissing myselg laughing in a cubicle.

no apologies for emo post, but i'll tell you one thing:

i think i'm going to start doing really sad, brooding guitar covers of Erasure songs.

i'm pretty sure Erasure made me gay.

i need to figure out the next sad brooding chapter of music in my life as well
i think it's about to hit
as my keyboard is broken
and i've officially hit the rock bottom of my breakup
not insofar as missing him is concerned but the other stuff like
family, friends, money, taking care of myself, wondering if i'll self-destruct
so i definitely see some whiskey soaked nights of banging on my backup keyboard in my imminent future

My experience with breakups are that the hardest part of it is reformatting the brain, erasing the subroutines of "giving care" and "receiving care" from the single person, so that one can build new synaptic "care" subroutines relating only to oneself (or to a new partner if one exists).

I find myself not desiring a re-genesis of my relationships with my exes so much as I'm missing "the good period"-- I miss when we loved each other, I miss when that care felt unconditional and uncoloured by latter-day emotional mismanagement. I feel this way with my ex-ltr, when I visit him in Montreal, and see how he's completely redecorated, and has a new friend circle, and he clearly desires for a second chance with me, but we both know it's more a feeling of the lack of each other than that it's a good idea. I feel this way with my recent ex, and see how he's completely moved on and is seeing new people, and I clearly desire a second chance with him, but I know it is, again, missing the people that we both were years ago; we are not those people any longer.

wow, yeah there it is. lol. i have realized all this in a detritus of redecorating myself. thanks for putting it in perspective. i refuse to let it get me down, but it did for a minute.

My fuckbuddy and I, idk, there are palpable feelings of "love" just oozing out of every pore between us, it is very nice. I had a post-coital babble last night that went like, "you get to ask me to make three big favours. Big life changey sorts of things. The first you can ask me any time. The second you can ask me in the event that we're having a fight and I'm in the wrong and you have no other choice to get through to me about it. The third is something you can ask of me after we've agreed to end our relationship." I don't know where this came from but I think it has a certain poetic niceness. What better way to express affection to somebody than to say "you can boss me around when it is required"

I'm somewhat giddy in anticipation at the possibility that we might have a fight a couple years from now and he might order me to shave my head and move to Ecuador and I WILL DO EXACTLY THAT

lol. i like it. kind of like a game. in my amorphous state this weekend a fb of mine took me out for the day and took me for a ride on a motor bike and i really appreciated that.

i guess the funny part about going through the process you described is that after the first night we decided to separate and save for only one other occasion, this has all seemed easy AF. and then all of a sudden i looked around and realized it's not just the loss, it's everything else. i think i've caught myself just in time, here's hoping.

anyway sorry to be so self-indulgent today. would love to hear how people who are not going through a major life event are doing :P

My niece is learning how to go poopoo in the potty.

very assimilationist of her

that is a big step

@ surm, I keep a journal and any time I feel a "wow I miss him" moment, I make sure that I follow up this feeling with a consultation of the many distressed journal entries I made over the months leading up to the breakup. I don't look at the photos of us from the first couple years-- those are happy, and thus are dangerous. Remember the bad times at the present! not in a "shit fuck what an asshole" sort of way but in a "thank god that's over" sort of way.

I am pleased to report tho that both my ex-ltr and my recent ex are getting along really fucking well these days. I had cocktails with the ex-ltr this past weekend and it was sassy and fun. I just went over to the recent ex's house and played piano for him and we cuddled our dog. I made him tea and he brought me dim sum from lunch he had with his mom. We hugged goodbye and he ruffled my hair. Breakups can be fucking gorgeous.

:) thank you for all your words
that sounds really nice the way that's panned out
and yeah it's really not that i miss being with him, more how my life is shaking out
but i guess it's all kind of in the same boat as you articulated and clearly understand

good morning
i went to the bar last night and met someone on grindr (lol)
he took me back to his hotel
he was cute but i hadn't like been out in a while so the making out at the bar part felt weird
but like whatever, we came, we saw, we conquered
what's up errebody?

they go to your place usually?

that's right, but i love hotels

The problem with inviting guys to your place is when to ask them to leave vs waiting for them to leae.

OMG I KNOW

like get out

my fb is pretty good about that, and i know i shdn't linger past 2-3 hrs

no i definitely don't
kinda like it when they ask me to spend the night tho
i may be too aggressive with the spooning

at least I can leave if I'm at his place.

I rarely spend the night.

i'm still trying to figure out that thing when someone shows up at your door and they are not what you expected
like usually i just go with it which feels unfair to my body
i just never have the heart to be like, i can't

I have kind of accepted it as a trade-off for having your meal delivered.

I don't do anon hookups very often but when I do, I enjoy smiling widely afterward and saying, cheerily "It was nice meeting you! That was very fun! Time for you to leave, now."

My last hookup was with a hammered longtime friend, so I felt guilty about subjecting him to my punishing before-dawn wakeup habits.

i thought at first u meant "subjecting him to your punishing" like you have a bdsm thing

if he'd seen me glaring at him while he snored past 7:30 a.m. you'd be right.

lol

this is the best ilx thread.

<3

Every part of his body fits perfectly into the corresponding part of my body and vice versa
The same for our personality traits
And the sex is making my head spin

amazing. so rare to find that!!! my fb down the street who i told you guys made me dinner a few weeks ago took me to the new Wegman's last weekend (lol) on one of those Revel motor bikes. it was my first ride on a motor bike! and i was holding onto him the whole time scared for my life
tonight he wants to take me to Spa Castle, where apparently the men get very free. this is a new thing for me, should i go???

omg. so i just agreed to go to one of those bathhouses tonight. i'm terrified. i'm not even a naked person. and supposedly people get it on in there!!!

can confirm, as someone who uh, may or may not have participated in that sort of thing before :x

ok but like, is it fun?? i'm freaking out. what if i look like an idiot!

i guess we can lock the gay TMI thread if surm follows through tomorrow

I've done that twice. The first time was highly personal. A really cute man took me by the hand and led me to a room and the sex was terrific. Reasonably good first introduction. The second time was highly anonymous. There was a pile of men just kind of fucking and sucking each other in a darkened space. I was doing a thing to a very enthusiastic bottom and I started to lose my erection; I couldn't help but think I was wasting my time, and wished I was at home playing my violin. I looked around and thought, somewhat spitefully, "don't these people have better things to do? I certainly do." So I left. And I went home and played my violin. Anon sex is not for me.

The good thing about those situations is that it feels like the structures of body capitalism are somewhat defanged. It feels as if age and race and physical fitness and dick size and bottom-roundness and height and so on are all kind of less important. There is an equalizing feeling to the environment that is appealing. But, like, mostly I just wanted to leave, and/or strike up a conversation with someone.

Other friends I have are super into it, even to a point of addiction. That said, I have been told myself that I am a lesbian in a gay man's body. This may be true.

this is terrifying

no, it's the best ilx thread.

:) apparently there's a bar there so i will need to drown my anxiety i think

Yerac, happy to have you here!

It was slightly terrifying to me, too. I was out for dinner the next night with a gay couple (who were squarer than I anticipated) and I joked that I'd picked up eight distinct STIs at the sex club the night before. "Can't wait to get home to get 'em all checked out!" They were not amused, and I was later told this comment soured the mood of the dinner party. Ennh. Whatever. I did feel somewhat "what if?" afterward but I came back 100% clean. I don't think I'll ever go into that environment again unless a partner desires for it. I myself would probably enjoy an audience in that scenario, but sex-with-anons has been tried and vetoed.

I did hook-up with a distant acquaintance about a month ago. He asked me afterward "so, do you have any STIs I should know about" and I said "I get cold sores" and he said "lol stop bragging" and I laughed, that's a disarmingly nice response.

Dan Savage makes me feel insane when I read his column. Why don't people like him again? I can't put my finger on what rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's his "DTMFA" response to any minor transgressive sexual misstep? or resolvable issue? Maybe it's the fact that he always sides with the promiscué over they-who-feel-insecure-about-their-partner's-sexual-proclivities? Maybe I'm not just a lesbian but a prude lesbian at that.

my one bathhouse experience was very fun, but it took some patience

There are probably numerous reasons to dislike Savage, but I just got weary of his combative tone all the time. I haven’t read him in years.

Did the bathhouse thing a few times each in Toronto and Detroit, each time with my boyfriend-at-the-time plus once with a friend. The Toronto one was more like fgti’s second experience—lots going on but I wasn’t comfortable with that sorta thing yet, and we mostly just walked around and observed. The Detroit one was far more low key and the few times we went we were able to actually strike up convos with people before/after doing anything, or in some cases just talk without anything happening at all. I remember talking to an attractive older man for a quite a while; I was into him but we never ended up doing anything because I didn’t think my bf would be into it (I never bothered to ask him later, because the moment had passed anyway).

um i LOVE bathhouses / sex clubs and i'm eagerly awaiting a precis from surm.

i had the slowest sex i've ever had at a bathhouse. like everything was slow-motion. it was with an older gentleman who had an ex-biker / willie nelson vibe. it was really hot!

Thanks luv enjoy!

I’m going to smoke up and have sex for hours with a perfect man and tell him I love him afterward and cuddle him all night with the messy results all around us and make him breakfast in the morning while listening to Debussy

Speaking of Franch composers I extremely practiced the Franck sonata today in the hopes that we might one day play it together