Canceling Ellen and the NFL: QUEER FALL of 2019

um
i had that butt shot last year
and i honestly felt i was dying
i was in bed for 10 hours
and then i watched "it follows"

hahaha it most certainly does

I was lying in bed with my buddy a few days ago, he's a professional classical pianist, and we were talking about our favourite piano music. I told him how much I loved the Ives "Concord Sonata" and he said he'd never heard it, but he'd check it out.

A couple days later (yesterday), I had a bad fight with my ex-bf (I'm moving out today, the fight was resolved last night, all is well), but my buddy knew I was having a hard time. To cheer me up he sent me a video of him at the piano. He'd learned the third movement of "Concord" in the intervening 36 hours and played it perfectly and I watched the video and started sobbing in the street.

LIKE WHAT A FUCKING NICE THING TO DO

<3 <3 <3 that is so incredibly sweet

fgti now makes two posters in this thread to be fucking a professional classic pianist

I didn't feel particularly badly about my station in love life until now. Thanks, thread.

Just kidding tho. Honestly, I've never been hurt so consistently and reliably than by trained musicians. (No offense intended.)

PS J0rdy I saw you on grindr the other day cuteface xxxx

it helps that i see mine about 3x a year and we keep it kinky

In 2005, I was fucking a painter.

A house painter.

When I was a painter I painted you well
Too bad I have to die
You brought the essentials, perversion appeal
And many lovers at one time

PS J0rdy I saw you on grindr the other day cuteface xxxx

― surm, Tuesday, November 5, 2019 4:26 PM (ten minutes ago)bookmarkflaglink

omg wait what! i do not have grindr

is someone using my picture to catfish...

wait WAHT. it looked...so much like you
like i was sure

if you see it again screenshot and send it to me... now im really curious

i sure will

hi

i have a date tonight with a 26 year old named Jacob. i like him a lot, he's nice and sweet in that way you really don't find often. authentic, awkward. it's really lovely. only thing is the first time we hung out i had to ask him to use my mouthwash. if this is a perpetual problem i might have to duck out.

where do you find these men? (be as general in your answer as you like)

Acquaintances, always, me. Rebound and I are getting attached in an apprehensive but real way, the sex is yes actually “the best of my life” and he is expressing the same both verbally and with his body language, what narrative is contained in the next twenty pages?

personally i’m excited to find out

fgti this is a very exciting time in a friendship, i’m happy for you

My ex and I broke up for many reasons but chief amongst them was a perceived “lack of sexual chemistry” on his end; I was resentful and annoyed that a life together was being thrown over for something that could be, you know, worked on?

But after [redacted] and [redacted, redacted] the other night and I was left babbling and hallucinating? I started crying a little, like, wow, he was right. We really didn’t have that chemistry and I guess I’d forgotten was truly amazing sex could do to a man, you know?

i had a similar realization after my break up!

my ex and i opened our relationship upon my insistence bcuz the sex really wasn't working for me, and i ended up having far more satisfying sex with other guys. in turn, it did make the sex w/ my ex better but i chalked the years of often unsatisfying sex up to simply what happens between two ppl in a relationship. but my relationships since then have taught me that in fact my ex and i just didn't have sexual chemistry, and that it could only be worked on to a very small extent, and that i was much better off in a sexually satisfying relationship. and, on the other hand, my ex used to say that he just didn't have that much of a sex drive, but i think he probably realizes now he just didn't like having sex w/ me that much.

there is no better physical high that i've felt than in the moments after an incredible orgasm. it's real!

Yeah. I reacted badly, both internally and externally, to certain of his comments. I couldn’t understand why he felt more attracted to “sex with anons” than sex with me. (Granted, he extremely crossed the line several times, sexting my friends, hooking up with his exes, and other stuff I won’t get into.)

It was destroying me! And when all the onus for our lack of chemistry was dumped on me? It fucking SUCKED. I’m glad I’m gone.

But we’re getting along great now as friends since I moved out and I’m remembering great sex and having my mind blown on the reg and I hope my ex is too

The key is to realize early in a relationship the limits of your sexual adventurousness with your lover before the extracurricular experimentation reminds you that it's too late to save the friendship. I don't know any queer couples who learned this early enough to save a coupledom that was doomed next year or in five years. Obviously, the older you are, the more likely the compromises.

Well yeah, I agree. Extracurricular stuff has to be done as a way of strengthening an already-strong relationship, not as a bandaid for a weak relationship. In my past experience, this was the case. With this relationship, it was not, and I was internalizing a lot of his activities as being “me needing to step up my game”, which of course, only made our sexual relationship even weaker.

I can’t really overstate how damaging a lot of the stuff he said and did really were to me :( but I’m recovering quickly, only took a few good fucks for me to walk away from it, self-esteem restored

...

A Few Good Fucks

I am still sad abt it gotta admit.. this issue aside it was a terrific relationship. Hoping that all the best parts of the relationship continue in a friendship? hoping that’s the case

the detritus of an intense relationship takes a long time to settle. i'm still going through it and even though i feel better than i have in a long, long time, there are some things that are deeply registered from the way years played out with my ex that i'm not sure i'll ever get over. you take the good with the bad.

i had a similar realization after my break up!

― J0rdan S., Saturday, November 9, 2019 5:47 PM (four days ago) bookmarkflaglink

same. hardcore. i never knew how much i needed sex.

same hardcore

and yes most folks i meet on grindr or scruff
it's been way too easy to do that living alone
i used to go out semi regularly to meet guys but...
i dunno

Bars

We were making up funny Joni song titles in the group chat and I've decided that it's very important that I write a song called "The Last Time I Saw Dick"

the last time i saw it was last night and let me tell you, it wasn't good

lol

surm, I congratulate for not stopping. I don't care enough about anything except George Eliot novels to want it every night.

listen, i'm not gonna let the fact that i have no abs stop me from getting my fill. but i will try to work on the abs this winter.

lol, i haven't had sex in so long all of this seems distant.

and of course now that my asshole is on my abdomen, it's not like i can just go out and fuck anyone. *sigh*

<3

I was at an extremely posh fundraising dinner as a kind of adjunct because I was DJing at the party afterwards and was seated at a table with four rich but extremely nice people I'd never met and who didn't all know each other either. I was sitting beside a mid 50s woman who'd moved from Malta to Glasgow a decade or so earlier to Marry a Glaswegian. I asked her, for the table conversation rather than one-to-one, if she missed the Sun and she explained that it was the hardest thing about it and went on "... I just make up for it by getting as much Vitamin D as I can get, I take Vitamin D daily and I'll take it in any form".

The more she talked about it the more I couldn't hold it in and lept up from the table and ran to the toilets. It was a bit awkward when I returned but I guess them thinking that I was going to shit myself and had to make it to the look IMMEDIATELY was less embarrassing than the other option, that I was pissing myselg laughing in a cubicle.

no apologies for emo post, but i'll tell you one thing:

i think i'm going to start doing really sad, brooding guitar covers of Erasure songs.

i'm pretty sure Erasure made me gay.

i need to figure out the next sad brooding chapter of music in my life as well
i think it's about to hit
as my keyboard is broken
and i've officially hit the rock bottom of my breakup
not insofar as missing him is concerned but the other stuff like
family, friends, money, taking care of myself, wondering if i'll self-destruct
so i definitely see some whiskey soaked nights of banging on my backup keyboard in my imminent future

My experience with breakups are that the hardest part of it is reformatting the brain, erasing the subroutines of "giving care" and "receiving care" from the single person, so that one can build new synaptic "care" subroutines relating only to oneself (or to a new partner if one exists).

I find myself not desiring a re-genesis of my relationships with my exes so much as I'm missing "the good period"-- I miss when we loved each other, I miss when that care felt unconditional and uncoloured by latter-day emotional mismanagement. I feel this way with my ex-ltr, when I visit him in Montreal, and see how he's completely redecorated, and has a new friend circle, and he clearly desires for a second chance with me, but we both know it's more a feeling of the lack of each other than that it's a good idea. I feel this way with my recent ex, and see how he's completely moved on and is seeing new people, and I clearly desire a second chance with him, but I know it is, again, missing the people that we both were years ago; we are not those people any longer.

wow, yeah there it is. lol. i have realized all this in a detritus of redecorating myself. thanks for putting it in perspective. i refuse to let it get me down, but it did for a minute.

My fuckbuddy and I, idk, there are palpable feelings of "love" just oozing out of every pore between us, it is very nice. I had a post-coital babble last night that went like, "you get to ask me to make three big favours. Big life changey sorts of things. The first you can ask me any time. The second you can ask me in the event that we're having a fight and I'm in the wrong and you have no other choice to get through to me about it. The third is something you can ask of me after we've agreed to end our relationship." I don't know where this came from but I think it has a certain poetic niceness. What better way to express affection to somebody than to say "you can boss me around when it is required"

I'm somewhat giddy in anticipation at the possibility that we might have a fight a couple years from now and he might order me to shave my head and move to Ecuador and I WILL DO EXACTLY THAT

lol. i like it. kind of like a game. in my amorphous state this weekend a fb of mine took me out for the day and took me for a ride on a motor bike and i really appreciated that.

i guess the funny part about going through the process you described is that after the first night we decided to separate and save for only one other occasion, this has all seemed easy AF. and then all of a sudden i looked around and realized it's not just the loss, it's everything else. i think i've caught myself just in time, here's hoping.

anyway sorry to be so self-indulgent today. would love to hear how people who are not going through a major life event are doing :P