God bless the goddamn Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/report_90_of_waking_hours_spent?utm_source=a-section

It's not funny because it's true

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/awful_article_large.article_large.jpg

"Wow, this is going to look really candid since I'm always hanging out by scaffolding," says the terrible human being.

And this headline: 60-Year-Old Hippie Pitied By 40-Year-Old Punk (link). "According to nearby sources, both the 60-year-old hippie and the 40-year-old punk were later pitied by a 30-year-old raver sitting barefoot in the grass."

Not brand new, but omg funny.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_slog_through_40_000

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/gap_unveils_new_for_kids_by_kids

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/obama_axes_pentagon_plan_to_build?utm_source=a-section

Well then.

!

It's so good. Love the goddamn Onion.

amazing!

http://www.theonion.com/content/themes/onion/home/elements/4530/middle_china_warning.png
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/son_its_time_we_have_a_talk

Yao Ming, who at 28 will soon be the only active player ever to be inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame, learned to play basketball when he was 3 years old after finding an untamed cobra in the mountains, a cobra of ancient legend whose very breath was poisonous. The cobra was taller than a full-grown tree, and beat Yao in one-on-one basketball competition every day for 19 straight years. Then, the very night before their final game, Yao prayed deeply to his ancestors and ingested more than 20 pounds of Yu Wan Mei fish by-products, and behold! Yao grew three feet while he slept.

Yao beat the cobra 11-0 the following morning, beheaded it with a great spear, fashioned a graceful sailing vessel from its colossal body, and rode this vessel across the Pacific Ocean to play professional basketball in the United States. There, Yao Ming became leader of the Rockets after receiving the Mandate of Heaven from previous team captain Hakeem Olajuwon.

It is worth repeating, sources confirmed, that Tracy McGrady should always pass the ball to Yao Ming.

when these guys do dumb, it is so so beautiful

...and then he swallowed the ocean.

the Yu Wan Mei spin-off site is quite something too

http://www.yuwanmei.com/img/yuwanmei_device_large.jpg

Code 41-Virtue-00B

This is kind of a step up for The Onion, I think -- instead of just parodying dumb-ass Americans, they're throwing some poo in a direction that no one else seems to be throwing it. "Hey, guys, let's not forget. China is still pretty fucking evil."

They should do way more themed issues.

Pretty dark, you guys.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_still_searching_for?utm_source=a-section

The sheer amount of LOL in this whole project is incredible. (scroll down for the subsidiaries: http://www.yuwanmei.com/products )

For some reason "Hu-Hu Poisonous Treats" just cracked me up.

the spoken ad at the end of the "Workers Protest Over-Ventilation Of U.S. Factories" radio bit!

Do not remove the Loyalty Bracelet.

I love the comments for an article on their Shawn Johnson Put Down After Breaking Leg video:
http://blogs.suntimes.com/sportsprose/2009/06/onions_shawn_johnson_dead_vide.html

loool "I AM CONFUSED.... IS SHE DEAD OR NOT?"

"Wow, this is going to look really candid since I'm always hanging out by scaffolding," says the terrible human being.

This picture is killing me.

That woman-missing video is like the cherry on the icing

Funniest racist jokes I've read in literally days!

^new ILE handle, thanks mods

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/american_children_like_me_are

:)

It's not a coincidence that the Missing Woman story is set in Grand Rapids, MI. I'm just sayin'.

have to say I don't find the china stuff hilarious, it is good but I prefer regular onion. I love the onion.

anyone capable of translating 'yu wan mei'?

'you want me'

i was hoping for better than that :(

my chinese ex told me that "yu wan mei" = "fish meal carbon"

and that the text running along the bottom of the andy rooney video is basically total gibberish

the only thing about this that is a bit sad is that they're trying to make #fishtime a trending topic on Twitter and it doesn't seem to be working. Pretty crap tag imo. Also wrt that stuff that was in the media earlier this week, or last week, about them being in a bit of trouble this might be like an attention grabbing gambit and that's sad. Some quality material though and nice for a change from usual stuff.

There's even a site for the parent company: http://www.yuwanmei.com/

鱼完美 = yú wán měi

鱼 = fish
完美 = perfect

fishy perfection!

a chinese translation blog entry about this used the title "Putting the 洋 in 洋蔥," which is... funny

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Sino_American.jpg

Okay I gotta give 'em this -- go to the home page and click on the Op-Ed link for this piece:

"The Internet Allows For A Free Exchange Of Unmitigated Information

Dana Lechter"

I was waiting for these

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyChinaIssue.jpg

i love this one

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyHSReunion.jpg

TV Listings »

2009 World Series Of Poker

ESPN

10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

The Vietnamese guy with the upside-down sunglasses won't show his cards, drawing a passive-aggressive rant from the fat Lebanese guy with the headphones.

Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

Ha! I just linked this on Facebook, right before I clicked on this thread. Big lol.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Malpractice.jpg