I'm sad

(Wait, Robert Smith discussion was on the other thread. Sorry if joke falls flat, then. It's that kind of day.)

Not trying to be insulting about "girl thing," and not joking. If I cry my eyes out about anything, it's usually music or writing or something external that reaches in somehow. And that's not really "sad" as I understand it. It's extreme, but it's not exactly sadness. I'm present for that emotion. The worst is when I'm not there anymore.

I don't exactly know how, but I think girls have a different relationship to crying altogether.

Dunno, Kate. For me, I did the crying thing for a while, and then I hung out at that bbq and the next day I felt immensely tired of being so boring, so boring that I was boring myself. And it seemed really self-centered and I wanted to be able to look around and actually see things besides my sadness. From that point on, I got better pretty fast, I guess.

Weeping is usually either cathartic or it takes enough out of me physically/emotionally that it either leaves me kind of zoned out or asleep. I cannot even conceive of crying all day.

Neither can I conceive of it, until it happens. It's unstoppable, and will not be stemmed. And then I end up sleeping for several hours afterwards, like this afternoon.

Laurel, where can one find these life-affirming 7 year olds? That sounds awesome and they seem sadly lacking in my life.

Yeah, many of the 7 year olds I know make involuntarily think of reasons to support retroactive abortion.

I skip the crying, I guess, and go right for the sleeping. I know it's an unhappy sleeping when I don't want anyone next to me during it, not even the cat.

I wish I could skip the crying. My eyes look like two pissholes in the snow.

Fetal position or semi-fetal?

xpost

What a lurid image, Kate.

Hey k8 I have done that too. Draining as all fuck, and when I'm feeling in that kind of away anything can prompt it. "I hope you don't cry yourself to sleep again tonight." *cue sobbing for three hours*

That hasn't happened in a while (over a year & a half, I think?), mainly bcz I am making sure to take really good care of myself AND I am finally on meds that work for me. But, yeah, I'd go through weeks of that at a time. Worst was when it'd happen at work or escuela.

Like eventually it's like 'dry heaves' but with sobbing.

Fetal position or semi-fetal?

Heh, it's true. You can't just lay on your back, no matter how many blankets, because what you really want is to disappear. So you have to curl up as tight as you can stand.

Like eventually it's like 'dry heaves' but with sobbing.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

you run out of tears, but you don't run out of cry.

I don't know how to do that. Making cry out of nothing at all.

Oh wow - I just popped on before going and and man . . . thanks folks. I really just wanted to post that panda pic and vent about being sad but ya'll are pretty great.

Laurel - I would <3 to hang out with that little girl right about now.

Nath - I don't know but hopefully a solution will be reached soon.

I can't really go into details but this is really a situation specific sadness and things are being worked out so hopefully it'll all be good again soon.

Again - thx so much - I'm not quite as sad right in this moment and I haven't even left the apt!

Outside is always a better place. Or at least a different one.

Kate, plz refrain from describing your eyes as pissholes in the snow, because even though I really don't want to, I end up thinking about peeing on your face. This is not my fault.

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a pisshole in the snow
Never knowing
What to pee on
Or if 'snow' meant 'blow'

What a decidedly odd direction this thread has taken

And I would like to know you
or at least a 7 year old kid
your BBQ burned out long before
your something something rhyming with "kid"

Sorry, it's a phrase I picked up from my plain-speaking Midlands pals, it just seemed really evocative of exactly how crap one feels when one's eyes look like that.

No, I get it. The less said about this, the better.

Unless my peeing on you would make you less sad, in which case I could only be a gentleman.

Whereas I rather like its earthiness and yet its gripping concision.

Stinging, one might say. Stinging concision.

Hey, sometimes you're the urine and sometimes you're the snow.

Pretty much the only time I wasn't crying or working on not crying was when I woke up in the morning and before I remembered how sad I was. And then the chest pain would start and then the crying, and I would do everything in my day operating through a screen of tears. On the subway, at work -- I stopped trying to hide it, actually. Would just keep working, but with my eyes streaming. Lasted...a couple of weeks? A month? God, was that boring. Breaking and maiming of the psyche, yes, but ultimately just really really boring.

It's really hard not to read hostility into a messageboard where a frank confession of soul-crushing depression and its unpleasant physical effects leads to a string of rather not-very-nice sexual banter. Like, does no one have an idea of what's appropriate behaviour or not?

But hey, it moves sadness into anger quite effectively, really.

Bits of this thread made me smile, specifically:

And I would like to know you
or at least a 7 year old kid
your BBQ burned out long before
your something something rhyming with "kid"

.. which is nice.

It's funny really, Tues I was somewhat bouncy, yesterday I was a bit 'unbouncy', but then I get home and I have a couple of "7yearoldkids", or one 11 and one 9, who were dressing for Ascot (without actually going), and all was well again.

Re: hostility and appropriate behavior

Nobody here is trying to offend or hurt you. You're seeing these things because you're looking for them. Please try to stop, you'll be a lot happier in life.

Sorry :-( (please don't be angry now someone tries to help)

Wow. So someone starts talking about pissing on my face, and it's *my* problem if I think that's somewhat offensive?

OK, I really don't belong in this place any more.

Ok. Really sorry now.

Hi, Kate. Have you met our friend Kenan? He is occasionally shockingly inappropriate; it's kind of his "thing". Either let him know it's a problem, at which point he'll probably apologize very nicely, or just move on and chalk one up to it taking all kinds.

Oh my. I haven't been back to this thread in too long.

Kate, I'm really sorry! Laurel is totally right (btw, thank you for kind-of defending me, Laurel, or at least as much as much as I deserve). I was just idly amusing myself, and I never meant for it to be at your expense. I mean, I don't know you at all. In fact, from what I do know about you, I'm kind of fond of you. And I swear I don't make a habit of peeing on people that I'm fond of. Picking on them a bit, maybe, but I meant no harm, I really didn't.

(And really... pissholes in the snow? That's disgusting.)

Let us now continue with our sad program, already in progress.

I don't expect answers, but I am interested in why girls are able to cry all day, and I can only cry at Carmen or Dylan.

Why? Because we're sad.

Wow. So someone starts talking about pissing on my face, and it's *my* problem if I think that's somewhat offensive?

I'm positivel y sure he doesn't mean it that way!

Go on Kate accept this MEGA HUGGELZ from a Belgian waffle girl. ;-)

Yeah I feel bad, Kate. My strategies for lightening the mood are perhaps illustrative of why I should stay off any thread called "I'm sad" or anything like it."

I am very sorry if I hurt your feelings. And I know I said it before, but I always liked you.

You can wear my letterman jacket, if you want...

Oh fuck it, there's no way I'm not going to stop being a giant asshole. I think most people have realized this way before me.

good job, kenan

Eat me.

No, it's OK, Kenan. I didn't understand that you were trying to be lighthearted to break a mood.

One of the worst things about hardcore depression is that you lose your ability to see humour in everything. The world really gets reduced down to this black and white flatness, where everyone is either with you or against you - usually against you.

I managed to not cry for most of the day yesterday, and then collapsed into bawling on the bus home, and stayed that way for the rest of the evening.

Today it's completely gone, like it was never there to start with. Maybe it's cathartic or something.

Kate, for me it helps realizing it will get better. This state isn't eternal. Also, it's not bad to cry. You should not feel guilty for crying.

i don't cry when i'm depressed -- that's when i'm the least emotional. the breakdowns happen when i'm a collection of raw nerves -- like when i haven't slept and i'm exhausted and anxious.

^

I have various "hues" of depression. When I'm so far into my depression, then I usually don't cry anymore. I guess I don't cry because I can't imagine a different state of mind. At one point death seemed "understandable".

At one point death seemed "understandable".

It seems like a serious downer, and yet I really hope I get ot the point before I die.

I'm too old to be depressed, I have family to take care of, but we had a death in the family and I can't get out of bed sometimes. Not the same as being depressed and not understanding why, but I hate myself for not getting out of bed in the morning.

It took me changing my gender to understand that Kenan is right about women and crying. Certainly men can and do cry, but you'd be surprised how much crying is linked to hormonal changes. There are actually chemical reasons why girls can suddenly feel like crying for no particular reason at all and there are also chemical reasons why a boy can feel sad but somehow, strangely unable to translate that into crying. It doesn't even have anything to do with societal pressure on them not to cry. I've been on both sides of the fence and I continue to be.

Not the same as being depressed and not understanding why, but I hate myself for not getting out of bed in the morning.

This could be a sign of depression. Not necessarily, obv., but it's possible. How to Diagnose Clinical Depression Symptoms("Hopelessness is one of the major depression symptoms. This is the feeling that there is no point in getting out of bed in the morning.").