shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

xp finally, a whiskey pod to entice the future drinker who used to make tide pod memes

Sarah York

Guys I don’t know how to tell you this. Teens are gonna put these in their butts.


Local Idiot

Teens? I'm 37.

mmm lukewarm whiskey with gelatin

seaweed based rather than gelatin, i thought, assuming they are the same as the capsules they handed out during the marathon.

but you've still got a mouth full of seaweed and whisky.

( https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/london-marathon-edible-water-bottle-capsules-a8889796.html )

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/oct/21/drill-rapper-rico-racks-jailed-and-banned-from-rapping-certain-words

As part of his sentence, he was given a criminal behaviour order for five years. It prevents him from rapping words such as bandoe (a house used for drug dealing and consumption), trapping (dealing), and connect (a drugs contact). He is also banned from saying whipping, a slang term used for driving that has also been used to refer to drug preparation.

New York arm-wrestling legend and his mom arrested for selling ‘Apricots From God’ as bogus cancer cure. https://t.co/pwy2h39FMo

— Jeanne Whalen (@JeanneWhalen) October 24, 2019

Is...is everyone at The Athletic OK? Correct me if I’m wrong but it appears they have sent someone to Ireland to talk to someone who can’t remember taking a throw in. At what point do we stage an intervention? pic.twitter.com/40QMRRCPNn

— Daley (@DaleyAFC) October 24, 2019

actual piece is paywalled but these excerpts are certainly tantalising

Guy makes dating app that features just one guy -- himself

https://i.imgur.com/CGpdynW.jpg

I'm the assistant manager of my regional bathroom

Angry Mob Of Lawyers Attacks Hospital, Causing Deaths Of 3 Patients

Members of the mob, dressed primarily in dark suits, white shirts and black ties, and armed with sticks, beat hospital employees, damaged hospital equipment and smashed the doors of emergency theaters. Some fired gunshots, torched hospital and police vehicles and blocked the entry of arriving ambulances.

Cripes

Conservative radio host wishes for a ‘nice school shooting’ to distract from impeachment

“Given the history of school violence that has plagued our community, 710 KNUS confirms that an inappropriate comment was made on the Chuck & Julie show by co-host Chuck Bonniwell,” the station said Wednesday evening. “A programming decision was made to end the program immediately.”

The Colorado Times Recorder was the first to report Bonniwell’s remark.

KNUS said it will fill the newly empty time slot with former Trump administration official Sebastian Gorka’s “America First” show.

The station is in the middle of an internal investigation over social media posts made on the Russian social media site VK. A user on that site with the same name as a KNUS producer, Kirk Widlund, posted pro-Nazi material that was uncovered by a local antifascist group.

Widlund has denied ever using the site. KNUS manager Brian Taylor declined to comment on the matter to TPM last Friday.

cool then

no knus is good knus

Prominent lawyer Jolyon Maugham clubs fox to death while wearing kimono

Flat Earth FC: the football club who represent a conspiracy theory

https://preview.redd.it/uzpb2xho16231.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=e26812c9bd3990e62eb0a0635f266692bd3bc573

NASA FIXES MARS LANDER BY TELLING IT TO HIT ITSELF WITH A SHOVEL
https://futurism.com/the-byte/nasa-mars-lander-hit-itself-shovel

Lol literally the most Jared Leto thing ever: ‪https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jared-leto-emerges-12-day-meditation-retreat-find-mind-blowing-coronavirus-pandemic-1285065‬

That’s kind of an ethical dilemma for the meditation guide leader! Do you break the silence, several days in, to let the participants know?

(imo YES of course you do)

Was it Big Brother in Germany that didn't tell them? Is that still the case? They may be the safest people on the planet.

they told them

https://static01.nyt.com/images/2020/03/17/arts/17virus-bigbrother1/17virus-bigbrother1-jumbo.jpg

Ha I remember USA Big Brother when 9/11 happened

I think they only decided to tell them because one of contestants relatives died

Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device https://t.co/wNZ8bWV3hA

— Guardian Australia (@GuardianAus) March 30, 2020

lol even that picture looks like an Onion stock photo

https://i.imgur.com/3fclv8u.jpg

https://ny.eater.com/2020/3/31/21200948/ardyn-doomsday-dinner-party-coronavirus-nyc

Ardyn’s menu of Japanese hamachi, wagyu ribeye steak, and heritage chicken for $150 to $165 per person with a minimum four-person order, delivered to diners while wearing bunny masks.The catch: Customers must then finishing cooking — and assemble, however artfully they can — the meals themselves in their own homes.

sure

Purge, party of four.

ITT shit that looks like an Onion article and really is:

https://local.theonion.com/man-just-buying-one-of-every-cleaning-product-in-case-t-1842493766

haha!

https://variety.com/2020/film/news/tom-hanks-coronavirus-blood-research-vaccine-1234589978/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJMEPHNjHE0

in other news, the world's last surviving "inside edition" tv show is surviving covid-19! we'll show you how, on tonight's "inside edition"

"the owner may have some tips to help other businesses"
um, suuuuuurrrre.

peep that text mode UI tho

Axl Rose and U.S. Treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin feud on Twitter

Matt Lauer: Why Ronan Farrow Is Indeed Too Good to Be True (Opinion) https://t.co/j3Hzdnhz1v

— Mediaite (@Mediaite) May 19, 2020

mmmm nah

https://pitchfork.com/news/jay-z-puts-a-fiona-apple-song-on-new-playlist/

https://www.pedestrian.tv/tech-gaming/security-robot-given-the-gift-of-intelligence-chooses-to-drown-itself/

Marvin, is that you?

https://pagesix.com/2020/04/24/eminem-donates-moms-spaghetti-to-detroit-hospital-workers

David Lynch ends daily weather report by recalling dream about being a dying German soldier on D-Day
https://news.avclub.com/david-lynch-ends-daily-weather-report-by-recalling-drea-1843952285

JK Rowling recalls 'amazing' moment she met her idol Morrissey

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/nov/27/jk-rowling-moment-met-morrissey-harry-potter-interview-robert-galbraith?CMP=share_btn_fb

music? she just liked his ideas on social values

I wish both she and her work would vanish altogether.

From the Washington Post:

https://i.imgur.com/wx3B8GL.png