This is the inevitable thread for ILxors in their forties

OK Curtains

Reapr, surely

All this stuff about being alone / single when in senior years is a lot of worry about nothing. We have no idea what we’ll be like by then.

Yup. Worry in general is not just useless but counterproductive. Obv we humans are predisposed to do it, and it can be very tough to break free from it.
I used to worry about "who'll take care of me when I'm old??", but I have an odd way of squashing that and getting comfort: if things get really bleak, I'll just kill myself. Problem solved! I'm not joking. I'd have had a good run, if things go downhill and there's no possibility they'll turn around, adios johnny bravo. I think that way about other things too. "What if my Crohn's gets a lot worse and I'm in constant pain? Eh just leave the mortal coil, pain is gone. I'm not suicidal or depressed in the least. To me, it's just being logical/practical. So much grief is caused by stressing about possible hardships or pains or losses. Idk that was a big weight of my mind.

xp Your Million Dollar Idea for Today

Especially one where Ned has very long grey hair

If I can rock David Sylvian's current look somehow (minus the beard) I'll be content.

I had a vasectomy a few weeks ago, and realised, as I was were waiting in the room beforehand with my wife, after seeing the doctor but before the anaesthetist, that this was the first and best of these occasions: waiting for something medical, but we know what it's for, we've chosen to come, and it'll make out lives better. The rest will suck more (but hopefully be a long while off)

_Especially one where Ned has very long grey hair_


If I can rock David Sylvian's current look somehow (minus the beard) I'll be content.

Having kids has been the most remarkable, most difficult thing I've done. It's so close and totalising that it's impossible to articulate, really - a bit like trying to articulate homeostasis or something. I've either not had the chance to consider the alone/together dichotomy or they're not quite old enough for it to have entered my consciousness yet. The way things are going in the UK, they'll still be living at home by the time I do one, anyway.

As for the walking stuff discussed up thread, I'd be fucked without it. Now the kids are that bit older and I have a job with extended holidays, on top of day walks when I can, I've taken to long 2 or 3 day walks on my own. I'm doing the Pilgrim's Way in bits (halfway to Canterbury) and nearly finished the South Downs Way. I was walking the Quantocks last April, pursuing Coleridge, and there was a moment coming out of a mist into a view of the sea when I thought, well, my 40s might just be the best bit so far.

ok i'm grudgingly inspired by that, chinaski

I consider kids so transformative that I'm practically a different person. Or some sort of strange hybrid. That is, I could be the exact same person I was, but now I have kids, which makes me a totally different person, very close to the person I used to be and yet so utterly, completely linked to these other (increasingly older and more mature) people I helped create that current me is an entirely new fusion of identities and responsibilities. Because of that there's been a bit of a struggle with personal growth and change and whatnot over the years, but my pre-kids mentality is so distant and fading at this point that I'm OK recognizing my current self as probably the happiest and most content I have ever been, despite natural ups and doubts. No doubt in part because I can see in real time and over time the effect (direct and indirect) I have on my kids. It's like being a parallel voyager in some time travel movie, watching others grow up dramatically even as I grow more imperceptibly at the exact same rate.

I used to wonder about what year I'd die. Then I decided on the season. My birthday's in November, so in order to avoid everyone adding a year to my age when they do the math with the dates, I decided that it would have to be in December.

Eventually, I realized that I'll die on a Wednesday morning. Maybe a Thursday afternoon. Either way, it's going to be a day just like any other.

I don't expect my kids to take care of me. My grandmother lived nearly alone for the last ten years of her life, losing a little bit of her mental health. My dad would drive over there to the adjoining state every month, and just between us talking here, I think he sometimes made it worse.

I like my kids. Heck, I even love them. I hope to see them around when I'm older, but I don't particularly want my adult son helping me use the bathroom or anything.

many good posts :)

I am 48, so on the tail end of this thread topic.

My body rebels from time to time, but nothing too serious so far.

While I have children and find them extremely engaging, I hope they have better plans than "taking care of me" as I age.

I have lots of parents and I don't "take care" of them. We've talked about it, and all agree that they will take care of themselves until they can't, then they will use their own fucking money to pay professionals to do it for them.

I intend to do the same. (Subject, of course, to the possibility that my later years will be some sort of apocalyptic hellscape. In which case, by all means, leave me to die. I'm only endangering the survival of the group. If you need to eat my flesh or use my bones as primitive clubs, I am cool with that. I've had a good run.)

I'm gonna be 48 in December. Married since I was 21 and she was 20, so got the "more than half our lives" thing well covered. No kids — it almost happened once, almost 20 years ago now and basically by accident, but it didn't stick and honestly I'm glad; neither of us has had anything like a steady career for quite a while and if I'd had to deal with that kind of uncertainty with a kid or kids to support I'd probably have stroked out. The real glue in our relationship is that we love each other and hate everyone else. That's all you need, I find.

My mom's a little past 70 and healthier than me, and I can't be sure but I feel like she's got a fair amount of money — she goes on multiple foreign trips each year now (she's currently in the Mediterranean and is planning a trip to China). My dad's dead, as are both of my wife's parents. I'm still kinda hoping/planning to figure out a way to move to a country with a functioning health care system before I get old and sick(er — I'm diabetic).

I don't particularly want my adult son helping me use the bathroom or anything.

ofc not, but you'll take what you get. In the last year of my mom's life, the 92nd year to be precise, her mental acuity was ebbing and her ability to track her own needs and ask for appropriate help wasn't very good. When I visited, I would sneak in health-related questions among the pleasant chit-chat. One time it resulted in my assisting the resident nurse in administering her an enema, and the truth is that because of my daughter's disabilities this was no big deal for me.

Your mileage may vary, but get used to the idea of verging on helplessness and accept that matters like getting an enema with limited privacy is not the indignity you now think it would be. Accepting help is OK when you need it and can't help yourself. Don't get all picky about it.

Aimless otm <3

hadn't really thought about such things -- i'm an only child, never needed company -- until spending a weekend in hospital a couple years ago

my roommate was in his late 70s and basically had everything wrong with him -- i knew it all because they went through it every time a new doctor came on duty. he was born in greece during the war, and his children and grandchildren spoke greek when they visited him

i was just there with weird cellulitis and basically taking all the possible antibiotics in order. i knew i would survive. but otoh i didn't really have anyone to tell, or who would care about me, even if it didn't mean visiting. and that is pretty fucking stark.

(as an aside, nurses are the most incredible people ever. every single one of them)

I've met enough nurse by now to know exactly what you mean. Sadly, I've now met so many nurse that I have run into some of the rare exceptions. But those few did not work at hospitals, which pay well, train well, and set high standards.

I'm married to a maternity nurse and agree they are all extraordinary.

Does anyone worry about morbidity? I increasingly find myself thinking about big picture and scheme-of-a-life things and can't decide if I've always been like it or if I'm entering a new Prospero 'every third thought is my grave' type phase. For instance, tied to the nurse conversation, I wonder about the minute-to-minute intensity of that chosen life and how, at the end of all things, a nurse must surely look back with a glow of 'I did what I could'. That might just be projection.

I do wonder if I'm just unconsciously preparing myself for the death of my and my wife's parents - all four of whom are still alive and well into their 70s. Fwiw, I'd happily administer an enema if that's what's necessary.

Well that’s one way to take your mind off it, I guess

Hahaha. Morbidity survival kit: enema, blue chew, hip flask, the Book of Disquiet, the complete works of Lester Young, my slippers.

i have an increasingly frequent morning awareness of my own mortality, yes.

was talking about it just last night in fact.

partly my dad dying young-ish, partly a natural emotional inclination that way, and partly reading the wrong philosophy at the wrong age.

two or three times in my life i have been sitting in a chair and been overwhelmed by a fear of death - almost sensory, like vertigo, and totally paralysing. lasted each time for about ten minutes.

I had that in my mid thirties - for me it was fatherhood which made it grow in my mind. Sporadically overwhelming for a couple of years and then receded - I’m just glad to be alive and will accept it when it comes.

that should have read “increasingly frequent awareness”. it didn’t happen in the morning. that just tends to bring an awareness of the agony of being still alive.

i should add that i don’t fear death itself. not particularly looking forward to it, but don’t fear it. is the not being. tremendously egotistical i know but there it is.

absolutely - and it’s the one subject you can’t not be egocentric about!

I find myself less morbid of late, honestly. I used to think a lot about death, but now... I don't know, I guess it's a cliche, but I'm busy being born. We'll see how I feel if/when ("if" because some people do just die suddenly in their sleep) I have to deal with it on a practical level.

I was contacted as a bone marrow match a few weeks ago, and in a couple of weeks I will be (surgically) donating marrow to a young girl I don't know. At every one of my appointments leading up to the procedure I've been told/reminded of the potential for complications, including, given the use of general anesthesia, my death (however remote). This hasn't really given me any pause, because all sorts of things can go wrong to and for any of us on any given day, but I have been thinking of the recipient. I know what her illness is, and without a marrow transplant she will likely die. There is a chance, leading up to the transplant, that she could die. There is still a chance, after the transplant, that she could die. And there is a very good chance that if I back out, she will die. Without a doubt this experience has made me think about a lot of things, but mostly about how thankful I am to have made it this far, how thankful I am to (hopefully) have a lot more ahead of me, how scared I would be if it was my child in dire need of a transplant, and how grateful I would be (and what I would do) to significantly extend their life.

(I've also learned that being 44 puts me on the "young" end of the donor spectrum, albeit at the upper end of "young.")

rush otm, and good on you Josh!

yeah Josh big ups

Found out recently an old friend's daughter has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It doesn't hit me as personally hard as it does the friends of mine with kids, but I know that seeing something like that happen to your child is one of the absolute worst things you can go through. It also makes me think of the Captain Beefheart song "Bill's Corpse"; it does seem like the only time we get together these days is when something awful happens. Well, you know, I did deactivate my Facebook account.

And yeah it's a good thing you are doing Josh.

I hope medical advances will keep advancing - its the best use of technology

absolutely! at this point, i am just wondering how many of the cancers I am going to get in the next ten years or so

I meant to say at the time: that's an amazing gesture, Josh. I hope it all goes well.

xp

I'll keep you all informed. Procedure is ... Tuesday.

Good luck Josh. Did I miss the backstory of what led you to donate?

wrt nurses, yes they are the best. My generalization is that nowadays nurses choose their profession because they truly love helping others while doctors do it for the ca$h. (of course there are many many fantastic, caring docs)

It was just a donor drive back in 2013. Got my cheek swabbed and forgot all about it.

I just now joined the donor registry because I was "Inspired by a donor story" (you have to say why).

Ah. Well, specifically, our synagogue had a drive because a family member of a temple member needed a marrow transfer.

Update, if anyone wants it. I've been in the hospital since about 6:30 this morning. Marrow harvest went well, my marrow is on its way to the recipient. I'm just hanging out here for the all clear, Waiting for my hemoglobin levels, waiting for a little bit of bleeding to stop, waiting to pee again. Literally hanging out, too; hospital gowns do little for the ego.

good on you for volunteering; hope you have games on your phone
they're basically all that make life worthwhile

Hope the glow of righteous, selfless action exceeds any pain - what a fantastic and life changing thing to do. Huge respect.

The PACU where I've been stuck has so many video game like noises going on anyway, I did think it would be hilarious if i comically added to the din. Honk!

I actually did overhear a nurse talking about her pet duck, which was highly entertaining.

http://themotionpictures.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/ybyl.png

pics or it didn't happen.

Just kidding. well done and take care!

hello. i'm new here

fuck, i remember my uncle, and various friends of my parents, turning 40. i'm not their age.

Welcome. It's not all bad. I find I only feel my age when I remember how old my kids are.

I used to belong here, but now, y’know ...

...you can’t find the 50s thread?