shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

a former Netflix creative director just raised $1.6 million for a startup that sells "straight edge" water in tall boy cans and their tagline is "nothing's better than water at murdering your thirst"https://t.co/KJI6Dx0tWd pic.twitter.com/dXBva5A0uP

— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) May 7, 2019

I'd buy that.

Is there an inverse for this thread? Because I was 100 percent sure this was actually a real article/quote.

John Bolton: ‘An Attack On Two Saudi Oil Tankers Is An Attack On All Americans’ https://t.co/Dgny7ss6pJ pic.twitter.com/nvxyCtNCVh

— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 15, 2019

hahaha i thought the same when i saw it just now

Looks like we've come full circle:

https://babylonbee.com

"I'm sorry, I know we're trying to worship the King of Kings here, but am I the only one around here who knows the difference between 'its' and 'it's'?" he said after shouting for the worship band to stop the song. "Does anyone else in this freaking church have any freaking idea where an apostrophe is supposed to go? ANYONE!?!?"

from one of the few non-abortion stories

the one about Jesus writing OWN THE LIBS in the sand was pretty good, I'll give 'em that.

It's just the word "models," but this one made me go 'WTF does Kendall Jenner know?' for a second:

So Far, Models Are Predicting a Trump Victory in 2020

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D7sj6GmWsAA30Ez.jpg

talk to transformer foreign policy

I hear a gram of American freedom costs you two family members

US energy department rebrands fossil fuels as 'molecules of freedom'

Oh, shit, you beat me to this...

EVERYTHING

This

Trump and Macron's symbolic friendship tree 'has died'

and this

Milo Yiannopoulos named marshal for 'Straight Pride' parade

I think it's a sign of how ridiculous things have gotten that neither of those stories struck me as particularly absurd or onion-esque when I read about them earlier.

Justin Bieber challenges Tom Cruise to a fight

not gonna lie i would def pirate a pay-per-view stream of that match

Fraser Anning candidate who is robot sex expert given Queen's birthday honour

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/jun/11/fraser-anning-candidate-given-queens-birthday-honour

"Eating giant crab legs for YouTube has made her a millionaire, she says."

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/11/style/youtube-mukbang-bloveslife-bethany-gaskin.html

For Trayce's story, some context: Fraser Anning is an Australian Nazi

Yes sorry I meant to add context as to who he was but got distracted. Also I should have pasted his photo, good god.

If anyone LOOKED like a Nazi who wanted to fuck robots...

The Onion a month ago pic.twitter.com/LTdVtwD42f

— Doug Hageman (@DougHageman) June 14, 2019

shit that is an onion article ...

got another capitalism greatest hit. i will give you one hundred thousand dollars if you can guess the brand by the end pic.twitter.com/bwfJJLabg4

— Ryan Simmons (@rysimmons) June 27, 2019

lol, i thought that was the superbowl cotton ad; ending cracked me up

hahahaha wut

omg

dark
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/31/business/jeffrey-epstein-eugenics.html

Jeffrey E. Epstein, the wealthy financier and accused sex trafficker, had an unusual dream: He hoped to seed the human race with his DNA by impregnating women at his vast New Mexico ranch.

Jeffrey Eugenides

Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, county coroner is forced to confirm https://t.co/5aHIFFVfcR

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) August 25, 2019

They should have gone full-Onion with this one, e.g. "The suspect, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the two-time Oscar and three-time Golden Globe-winning star of such films as Argo and Batman v. Superman, is believed to be in his mid to late 20s."

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2019/09/11/ben-affleck-look-alike-wanted-after-milton-lcbo-theft.html

Newsweek abases itself, again:

Massive Semen Explosion after Blaze Hits Bull Artificial Insemination Facility, Firefighters Forced to Dodge 'Projectiles'

bullkake

Ugh. Don't you hate it when that happens?

lol I was thinking "What does Glenn Beck have to do with this now?"

Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman Aaron Thomas said the loss of 100 cryogenic cylinders of cattle semen will be a "huge blow" for the farmers.

i have questions about australian farmers' bull-milking methods

reminds me, what do you call a field full of masturbating cows?

beef stroganoff

lol

This wearable chair could change how we work and travel pic.twitter.com/KO8QoUcrut

— Tech Insider (@techinsider) September 18, 2019

i dunno man for a music festival i might be willing to suffer the indignity

Not sure why that video is 3 minutes long.

Man gets on bus, but can't use the bus seats because he has tech equiv of a shooting stick strapped to his arse.

man is used to have chair strapped to his legs, sits down while not wearing them, breaks his assbone, sues, profit.

can't wait until businesses require employees to bring their own chairs to work

Kids having to bring their own chairs to school - can see that happening under a Tory government <----- trenchant social commentary

https://slate.com/technology/2019/09/the-infinite-scream-twitter-account-stopped-screaming-to-talk-impeachment.html

No ice. No stirrer. No glass. We're redefining how whisky can be enjoyed. Introducing The Glenlivet Capsule Collection #noglassrequired pic.twitter.com/F4MGErsfZM

— The Glenlivet (@TheGlenlivet) October 2, 2019

Justin Bieber defends buying designer kittens
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-49944571

"Justin Bieber has told animal rights group Peta to "suck it" after it criticised him for buying designer kittens rather than re-homing cats from a shelter. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the singer spent $35,000 (£28,000) on a pair of Savannah cats named Sushi and Tuna. ...

Sushi and Tuna are not the Canadian star's first exotic pets. In 2013 Justin was given a Capuchin monkey called OG Mally, which he tried to take on tour to Germany. The monkey was confiscated from him and donated to a German zoo."

I learn from another report that Bieber's monkey hasn't fared very well in the Zoo. "He still has issues speaking the Capuchin language. He still tries to imitate human speech. He sometimes makes weird scratchy sounds which are not typical for Capuchins. That’s why we think he still tries to talk to humans. ... he was taken away from his mother and natural family way too early. He did not learn to be a monkey."

You know, that raises a question. What if Superman's capsule had landed in the jungles of Paraguay, and he had been raised by capuchin monkeys instead of Ma and Pa Kent? He would be Tarzan, but with extraordinary powers. Instead of fighting General Zod he probably wouldn't give a toss about him - what would he care if the human race is enslaved by a bunch of Kryptonian fascists? - unless of course they tried to cut down the jungles, in which case he would be very upset.

Could Superman breed with monkeys? I know there's a comic where Superman landed in the Soviet Union - Superman: Red Son - but what if he landed in the jungle? What if he landed in the oceans, and was raised by dolphins? What if his capsule crashed into Jupiter instead and he was raised by space whales or floating gas creatures? The mind boggles.

xp finally, a whiskey pod to entice the future drinker who used to make tide pod memes