shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/local/arizona/2019/02/18/grand-canyon-tourists-exposed-radiation-safety-manager-says/2876435002/

Eh. You'd have to stand between the two cabinets for a year to get a dose higher than that of homes in Ramsar, Iran, which has a cancer incidence no higher than neighboring villages.

it was more about the comical hijinks of disposal

and the return of the empty buckets

On Bourbon Street, battle of Huge Ass Beers vs. Giant Ass Beer lands in New Orleans court

ugh, my bad

Son defends parents caught in college admissions scandal while smoking blunt

In her practice, Dr. Levine said, she regularly sees college freshmen who “have had to come home from Emory or Brown because they don’t have the minimal kinds of adult skills that one needs to be in college.”

One came home because there was a rat in the dorm room. Some didn’t like their roommates. Others said it was too much work, and they had never learned independent study skills. One didn’t like to eat food with sauce. Her whole life, her parents had helped her avoid sauce, calling friends before going to their houses for dinner. At college, she didn’t know how to cope with the cafeteria options — covered in sauce.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/16/style/snowplow-parenting-scandal.html

taste's very strange

At college, covered in sauce

cafeteria food... with club sauce

My son definitely doesn't like sauce on anything and it is very annoying. It looks like he's finally starting to get over it though now at age 10.

bigby's crushing declaration

1/ If Trump starts building his border wall, he can invoke something called a Declaration of Taking. It's like eminent domain on steroids. A court grants title to the land to the federal government. Bulldozers can roll the next day.

— ProPublica (@ProPublica) March 25, 2019

Declaration of Taking just sounds like something out of a D&D campaign.

Bags of holding are pretty central to the ruleset.

Taken 4: Declaration of Taking

somehow I've never noticed before that the first post in this 9-yr old thread is about Trump's Scottish golf course

life that looks like etc...

Now Tilda Swinton, who I don’t know and never heard of, has joined them.

Ivanka showing some her dad's takedown skills

wonder if anyone ever heard from this Tilda character after this golf-related stance

not exactly right for this thread but my god this reads like a clickhole article, right down to the guy's bio. i kept waiting for the twist

https://www.androidpolice.com/2015/09/25/jbl-xtreme-and-flip-3-review-competition-destroyed/

Rhino poacher trampled to death by elephant; remains eaten by lions

Better than they deserve tbqh

Haha, came to post that same story! How about this one:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/apr/06/sentencing-their-dog-to-death-how-the-anti-vax-movement-spread-to-pets

"Sam Kovac can’t say for sure what prompted it, but in the past few weeks the Sydney veterinarian has been faced with the same alarming, beguiling question over and over: “Will this vaccination give my dog autism?”

(Article would be funnier if it didn't involve dummies doing the wrong thing for their poor pets)

Cue Temple Grandin on the natural state of non-human mammals resembling human autism.

https://fox8.com/2019/04/11/florida-man-arrested-outside-olive-garden-after-eating-pasta-belligerently/

whither emily post?

However, before being placed in handcuffs officers gave Padgett a paper towel so he could wipe the pasta off his face.

wipe privilege

That's funny!

https://www.hs.fi/ulkomaat/art-2000006096630.html

This is a Finnish newspaper, but the headline translates to:

The beluga whale Norway thought to be a Russian spy is in fact a therapy whale for children

lol

just you and me
eat fudge banana swirl
just you and me
we'll travel round the world
just you and me
therapy whale

a former Netflix creative director just raised $1.6 million for a startup that sells "straight edge" water in tall boy cans and their tagline is "nothing's better than water at murdering your thirst"https://t.co/KJI6Dx0tWd pic.twitter.com/dXBva5A0uP

— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) May 7, 2019

I'd buy that.

Is there an inverse for this thread? Because I was 100 percent sure this was actually a real article/quote.

John Bolton: ‘An Attack On Two Saudi Oil Tankers Is An Attack On All Americans’ https://t.co/Dgny7ss6pJ pic.twitter.com/nvxyCtNCVh

— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 15, 2019

hahaha i thought the same when i saw it just now

Looks like we've come full circle:

https://babylonbee.com

"I'm sorry, I know we're trying to worship the King of Kings here, but am I the only one around here who knows the difference between 'its' and 'it's'?" he said after shouting for the worship band to stop the song. "Does anyone else in this freaking church have any freaking idea where an apostrophe is supposed to go? ANYONE!?!?"

from one of the few non-abortion stories

the one about Jesus writing OWN THE LIBS in the sand was pretty good, I'll give 'em that.

It's just the word "models," but this one made me go 'WTF does Kendall Jenner know?' for a second:

So Far, Models Are Predicting a Trump Victory in 2020

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D7sj6GmWsAA30Ez.jpg

talk to transformer foreign policy

I hear a gram of American freedom costs you two family members

US energy department rebrands fossil fuels as 'molecules of freedom'

Oh, shit, you beat me to this...

EVERYTHING

This

Trump and Macron's symbolic friendship tree 'has died'

and this

Milo Yiannopoulos named marshal for 'Straight Pride' parade

I think it's a sign of how ridiculous things have gotten that neither of those stories struck me as particularly absurd or onion-esque when I read about them earlier.

Justin Bieber challenges Tom Cruise to a fight

not gonna lie i would def pirate a pay-per-view stream of that match

Fraser Anning candidate who is robot sex expert given Queen's birthday honour

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/jun/11/fraser-anning-candidate-given-queens-birthday-honour

"Eating giant crab legs for YouTube has made her a millionaire, she says."

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/11/style/youtube-mukbang-bloveslife-bethany-gaskin.html